It is my personal belief that Cena’s testicles are quite shrunken due to steroid use. And since the concept is so specific I will have to decline due to not having the freedom of creative license. Well, that and I can’t draw at all.
The saddest part of this is, I’m not shocked by the request. I’m shocked that it’s written using proper grammar, and the poster knows the word “hirsute.”
Jimmie Walker, Texas Ranger
January 10, 2011 at 10:14 am
I was gonna do this painting for ya, but then I saw that a required material is “erotic sense of be.” I used up the last of mine a week ago when I painted the Undertaker nailing Jay Leno. Sorry, bud. I do have some “erotic sense of taste” left, but I have a feeling that wouldn’t fit the project.
If 1 inch is showing, that makes it a 33-inch penis. To paint this correctly, Daniel Tosh would have a visible lump in his throat.
If 1/2-inch is showing, that makes it nearly a 17-inch penis. Still, world-record material.
If 1/4-inch is showing, that makes it longer than 8 inches. Impressive, but at 1/4-inch showing on a painting, even at life-size, it would look like a full thrust.
With rampant steroid abuse in the body building world, the more accurate measurement would be about 4 inches. The balls would NOT be “enormous”. 97% thrust of a 4-inch penis would leave 1/8-inch showing. To get that close to another man, Cena would have to first break Tosh like a wishbone.
At least the ‘in Oil’ part does refer to the painting itself, and not something like the vat of melted Crisco which was the direction I was afraid that was going.
Thank you for providing the photos…
My first initial thought was that Daniel Tosh was a son of Peter Tosh(like a Marley) and I was highly suspect of the small-balled description of a Jamaican man.
Now it makes perfect sense.
@#39, suzyactiondoll, thank heavens I’m not the only one. Actually, I was seeing an older brother/kid brother thing going on, or even possibly twin brothers with one who had gone into bodybuilding and one who hadn’t. Which would have added an incest angle, just to make the whole thing that much more disturbing.
I soooo wish I painted.
Maybe I should try, just for the minuscule chance to meet Daniel Tosh in person.
Not that I’d mind $450.
I’ll need it to bail me out of jail, in the event that Daniel isn’t the type to look kindly upon strangers who randomly bunny hump his leg on first meeting. . .
This is totally a prank dreamed up by one of Tosh’s demented, stoner buddies. Only a comedy writer would come up with the phrase “the pleasure-pain evidence of man love”. He shoots! He scores!!
January 10, 2011 at 9:41 am
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January 10, 2011 at 9:42 am
God damn I wish I could paint…
January 10, 2011 at 9:43 am
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January 10, 2011 at 9:44 am
this reads like a 12-year-old’s badfic. made my day.
January 10, 2011 at 9:45 am
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January 10, 2011 at 9:45 am
Seriously? A Tosh request without vomit? That makes no sense.
Hold on, wait. No, I just vomited a bit.
January 10, 2011 at 9:47 am
…aaaaannnd…. we’re back!
decent price, but still asking for spec work.
However, some photoshop combining some gay porn photos and some headshots from the “interested parties” should do the trick.
I do wonder how the requester knows whose testicles are hirsute or not and also their size.
I mean, doesn’t taking steroids shrink ‘em up and make ‘em smooth?
January 10, 2011 at 9:49 am
And Red Riding Tosh said “My, what a big belt you have!”
And the Cena Wolf said “All the better to fuck you with, my dear! And you should see my gigantic hairy balls!”
January 10, 2011 at 9:50 am
I blame the publishers of The Secret for this.
January 10, 2011 at 9:50 am
Tosh.O-No!
January 10, 2011 at 9:51 am
This actually turned me on a little bit.
January 10, 2011 at 9:54 am
I’m betting it’s a stunt for Tosh’s show.
January 10, 2011 at 9:54 am
It is my personal belief that Cena’s testicles are quite shrunken due to steroid use. And since the concept is so specific I will have to decline due to not having the freedom of creative license. Well, that and I can’t draw at all.
January 10, 2011 at 9:55 am
I got John Cena mixed up with Michael Cera, so I was picturing a whole different painting.
January 10, 2011 at 9:58 am
That’s a mental image I’ll never be able to scrub from my poor poor brainmeats.
January 10, 2011 at 10:08 am
Sometimes I want to be famous.
And then I’m reminded why I don’t.
January 10, 2011 at 10:08 am
Ew. I now know WAY too much about this person’s fantasy life…
January 10, 2011 at 10:14 am
The saddest part of this is, I’m not shocked by the request. I’m shocked that it’s written using proper grammar, and the poster knows the word “hirsute.”
January 10, 2011 at 10:14 am
I was gonna do this painting for ya, but then I saw that a required material is “erotic sense of be.” I used up the last of mine a week ago when I painted the Undertaker nailing Jay Leno. Sorry, bud. I do have some “erotic sense of taste” left, but I have a feeling that wouldn’t fit the project.
January 10, 2011 at 10:15 am
Oh, shit on toast! I’ve got that exact thing but Cena’s only 93% inside of Tosh. There’s $450.00 down the crapper.
January 10, 2011 at 10:19 am
97% penetration? Do the math:
If 1 inch is showing, that makes it a 33-inch penis. To paint this correctly, Daniel Tosh would have a visible lump in his throat.
If 1/2-inch is showing, that makes it nearly a 17-inch penis. Still, world-record material.
If 1/4-inch is showing, that makes it longer than 8 inches. Impressive, but at 1/4-inch showing on a painting, even at life-size, it would look like a full thrust.
With rampant steroid abuse in the body building world, the more accurate measurement would be about 4 inches. The balls would NOT be “enormous”. 97% thrust of a 4-inch penis would leave 1/8-inch showing. To get that close to another man, Cena would have to first break Tosh like a wishbone.
January 10, 2011 at 10:20 am
Require link to actual posting. This is entirely do-able!
January 10, 2011 at 10:27 am
I can’t get past the phrase “lovingly nailed” and the pinpoint percentage amount of penetration to be depicted.
***** s h u d d e r *****
January 10, 2011 at 10:33 am
At least the ‘in Oil’ part does refer to the painting itself, and not something like the vat of melted Crisco which was the direction I was afraid that was going.
January 10, 2011 at 10:34 am
Que Cena Cena…
January 10, 2011 at 10:44 am
I don’t see any “Web Redemption” happening with this one.
January 10, 2011 at 10:46 am
All this talk of testicular size and level of hair has me singing AC/DC.
John Cena’s got the biggest balls of them all….
January 10, 2011 at 10:52 am
The requester sure got into his description. Almost as if it was a personal fantasy of his… OH MY GOD. Tosh uses Etsy?
January 10, 2011 at 10:53 am
Why do I have the feeling that Daniel Tosh is behind this alchemy request?
January 10, 2011 at 10:58 am
It disturbs me more than a little as to how much thought and detail this person has put into the request.
January 10, 2011 at 11:02 am
I melded the two names at first and wondered what kind of person had THAT BIG a John Tesh fixation.
January 10, 2011 at 11:13 am
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January 10, 2011 at 11:22 am
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January 10, 2011 at 11:24 am
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January 10, 2011 at 11:36 am
Thank you for providing the photos…
My first initial thought was that Daniel Tosh was a son of Peter Tosh(like a Marley) and I was highly suspect of the small-balled description of a Jamaican man.
Now it makes perfect sense.
January 10, 2011 at 11:41 am
I’m okay with this.
January 10, 2011 at 11:44 am
Thank God you’re back. And you brought manlove with you. Maybe I did survive December after all.
January 10, 2011 at 11:52 am
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January 10, 2011 at 12:00 pm
This is totally a member of Tosh’s staff. It will show up on an episode of his show.
January 10, 2011 at 12:08 pm
Does anyone else see a before/after Charles Atlas “they used to kick sand in my face…” ethos in the Tosh/Cena juxtaposition? (after/before actually)
…and being completely unaware of who Cena is, I too thought Cera, and wondered if geek porn is the new goetse.
January 10, 2011 at 12:39 pm
Can someone please pass the Brain Bleach.
January 10, 2011 at 12:41 pm
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January 10, 2011 at 12:52 pm
You had me at “small, hairless testicles”.
January 10, 2011 at 1:49 pm
@#39, suzyactiondoll, thank heavens I’m not the only one. Actually, I was seeing an older brother/kid brother thing going on, or even possibly twin brothers with one who had gone into bodybuilding and one who hadn’t. Which would have added an incest angle, just to make the whole thing that much more disturbing.
January 10, 2011 at 1:55 pm
naughty tosh made an alchemy request?
they do love ordering custom art in their office:
http://www.comedycentral.com/tosh.0/2009/07/30/sunday-with-daniel-and-barack/
January 10, 2011 at 2:04 pm
Ahh, bless. They’ve thought long and hard about that request, haven’t they… very hard… They really have a definite image in mind, don’t they?
January 10, 2011 at 2:06 pm
When you have to state “100% serious offer” maybe you should keep your requests to yourself.
January 10, 2011 at 2:06 pm
It’s really encouraging that Mr. Cena’s therapy is allowing him to blossom and get in touch with his fantasies.
January 10, 2011 at 5:15 pm
So, I wish I was good at portraits. I could use $450 right now. Although, on second thought, the street corner might be less dirty.
January 10, 2011 at 5:38 pm
I soooo wish I painted.
Maybe I should try, just for the minuscule chance to meet Daniel Tosh in person.
Not that I’d mind $450.
I’ll need it to bail me out of jail, in the event that Daniel isn’t the type to look kindly upon strangers who randomly bunny hump his leg on first meeting. . .
sigh.
January 10, 2011 at 6:10 pm
Terriwells-Want to make it even more disturbing? I’ve actually read several stories online with exactly that plot.
Rule 34 strikes again!
January 10, 2011 at 7:35 pm
I have no idea who either one of these men is. And having been on Regretsy long enough the description doesn’t bother me.
What shocks me is that someone on Alchemy is willing to spend $450 on a painting.
January 11, 2011 at 9:54 am
Badger-Let me guess, the brothers’ last name was Weasley, right?
January 11, 2011 at 7:02 pm
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January 12, 2011 at 12:20 am
I love that the photo of Daniel Tosh provided appears to approve heartily of this alchemy request. John Cena’s harder to read.
January 12, 2011 at 4:30 am
can i see a copy of this when it’s done?
January 12, 2011 at 6:13 am
$450.00 to get on Tosh.O?
Sounds pricey for 15 minutes of fame.
January 12, 2011 at 7:04 am
@#54 Nico – I’m fairly certain Daniel Tosh WOULD heartily approve of this request!
This cracks me up, and I agree with some of the other comments – I think Tosh (or a member of his staff) might have something to do with this.
January 12, 2011 at 7:35 am
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January 12, 2011 at 8:56 am
Um, since when would being “97% inside” be considered “mid-thrust”?
January 12, 2011 at 8:57 am
Though I must admit…reading the description got me kinda hard :p
January 12, 2011 at 9:00 am
This is totally a prank dreamed up by one of Tosh’s demented, stoner buddies. Only a comedy writer would come up with the phrase “the pleasure-pain evidence of man love”. He shoots! He scores!!
January 12, 2011 at 2:34 pm
I’m terribly confused by the familiarity that the author of the request displays with the ball size and hairiness of these gentlemen.
January 13, 2011 at 12:21 am
For a minute, just one minute, I was there.
January 13, 2011 at 1:20 pm
the posting is gone now, too bad, I was going to paint it
January 21, 2011 at 6:03 pm
Oh my god why are his thumbs so big?!
August 12, 2011 at 11:37 am
$450 for a WWF champion makes sense, but for Tosh?
Probably a better spent $450 would be for Obama/Clinton montage…. anyone agree?
Sam
August 22, 2011 at 5:09 pm
That would be awesome to see. A small price to pay!
November 2, 2011 at 9:28 pm
@#39, suzyactiondoll – I was thinking the same thing. Sorta puts an even weirder twist on it, if that were possible.