My Top Five Etsy Purchases of 2010
People ask me if I buy anything on Etsy. And when they ask me that, I laugh and laugh, and then I start to cry, because I have blown a fortune over there. After all, I spend at least 5 days a week looking at crap on Etsy, which means I am basically shopping all week. It’s not good.
Sometimes I see tweets go by where stupid girls with duckface avatars say things like, “OMG, get me off Etsy I am addicted LOL” and I think, fuck you. I’ve bought more shit since breakfast than you have all year. Go ask your mama if you can use her Paypal account, you sorry little weekender.
The end result of all this shopping is, of course, a house full of fuckery. I have crap in every room, mocking me like the ghost of dollars past. “Hey shit for brains”, it whispers, “I’m the down payment on that house you wanted!” And then I have another drink, and the voices get quiet again.
So the next time you wonder why Etsy lets me do what I do, just remember that I’m practically keeping them in business. Well, me and the Chinese resellers.
5. FAKE CHOCOLATE CAKE POSTCARD
This thing is incredible. It looks exactly like a piece of chocolate cake. I have no idea what it’s made of, but it’s perfect. And the idea of getting a piece of cake in your mailbox on your birthday is completely brilliant.
I sent this to my sister for her birthday last May, and she loved it. She took pictures of it at the laundromat.
4. STAR WARS CAKE PLATE SET
People submit this seller to me almost every day as a WTF feature, clearly unaware of the fact that I’ve bought so many of her pieces, I had to have a plate rack built in my kitchen.
But there you go. One man’s Regretsy is another’s obsession, and Beat Up Creations is one of mine. I love contrast, so the way she juxtaposes pop culture icons with traditional antique china really pleases me.
As much as I adore the Star Wars set, I really love the custom Judge Judy plate I had made a few months ago. She sits comfortably between Mr. Spock and Mr. T, as she probably does every day in the commissary.
3. FLEECE DOG CAFTAN
Someone posted this on the Regretsy Facebook page, and I bought it the moment I saw it. In fact, I’m wearing it right now.
Not only is it warm and cozy and very well made, it is easily the most hideous fucking thing I have ever seen in my life. I mean witheringly ugly. It virtually screams, I GIVE UP. The multi-colored pattern is great for hiding food stains, and it looks great with gray roots and a bottle of Motrin.
And it’s not just lounge wear! You can wear it around town and look just as chic. It’s perfect for running out to the liquor store for a bottle of Baileys and some lottery tickets.
I frequently check the seller’s store, but have yet to see anything as horrendous as this. She does claim to do custom work, so I’m keeping my eyes open for some “horses running in the surf” throws at the gas station.
2. HAND SCULPTED MINIATURE DOGS
For Christmas, my friend Diana had my dogs made in miniature by Anna Vanover. They are so amazingly detailed and accurate, right down to their little spots.
When I opened the box and saw how special and perfect they were, I decided to commission one for my best friend, whose dog Woody passed away during the summer. I sent pictures to Anna, including one with Woody sitting by some potted flowers. Within a day, she had finished the sculpture and mailed it, and he received the gift on Christmas eve. She even included the flowers.
1. BLESS THIS HOUSE CROSS STITCH
This is easily my favorite purchase of the year. It hangs in my kitchen, where visitors make the same pop-eyed, slack-jawed face I made when I first saw it.
Like everything in Steotch’s store, it is exquisitely executed and profoundly strange. And for my money, that’s Etsy at it’s best: well crafted and wildly creative objects you just can’t find anywhere else.
Well, until Anthropologie sees this.
I wonder if they get House in India.
December 31, 2010 at 9:46 am
I am in awe!
December 31, 2010 at 9:47 am
If I were a worse parent, I’d spend her college fund on fuckery. Dammit, where’s the file with my 401K information?
December 31, 2010 at 9:50 am
By the way, the kitten got into the box of tags I purchased via the Regretsy holiday store, and I’m finding “Whimsicle Fuckery” all over the house. I should have just hung the once I didn’t use on prezzies this year on the damn tree.
December 31, 2010 at 9:56 am
Hey April — we’re just glad you’re not jailed somewhere in Arkansas !!!
I know I’ve blown major bucks on etsy — but my gods woman, you’re almost at intervention stage!
But we wouldn’t have you any other way
Happy New Year and
Namaste, Bitches!
December 31, 2010 at 10:09 am
Da-yum woman those are mighty special. I had to run over and put the plates and the cross stitch in my faves. I just got a Christmas Card from a friend whose son is having a Star Wars Wedding – the whole family will be in costume. Those plates would be a great gift.
December 31, 2010 at 10:13 am
If that poncho-caftan thing had a hood, it would be the only piece of clothing one would ever need.
December 31, 2010 at 10:14 am
Regarding the fleece kaftan, (which I covet) does it look good with multple colors of dog hair?
December 31, 2010 at 10:27 am
I cannot afford this, so I am begging you to buy it for me:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/55405378/exhibit-awesome
December 31, 2010 at 10:32 am
I have spent many thousands of imaginary dollars on Etsy as I am looking for a job. Once I get one, and the rent is paid, cat food is bought, and the internet bill is taken care of, watch out. Thank you HK for a year of wonderful, whimsicle, fuckery.
December 31, 2010 at 10:37 am
i love this post. this is exactly how and why i love Regretsy. it’s about celebrating WHAT PEOPLE ARE FUCKING CAPABLE OF in almost all respects. The high, the low, the highlow, the hullo?, and the idontknow.
Regretsy has, in short, redefined the word “bash” to include all the word’s meanings all the time. It is the best party on the internet, in my book.
because of Regretsy I’ve looked at and bought a ton more etsy stuff in all kinds of taste and for all kinds of reasons than i ever would have otherwise, and have gotten a glimpse of the work of so many artists with and without air quotes than i would have otherwise. it’s been a game-changer and a life-saver for me in many, many ways. thank you for all of it.
December 31, 2010 at 10:55 am
Regretsy has made 2010 worth it. And believe me, it’s one of the few damn things that has made this horrible year worth it! At the risk of sounding all sloppy and sentimental … I love you guys.
December 31, 2010 at 11:27 am
The dog sculptures are FTW and dripping with Milk Bone awesomesauce. The artist even captured the whimbsicle tilt to Sully’s head that says ” I HAZ SPOTZ?!”
December 31, 2010 at 11:29 am
In a paralell universe, I would have received that Star Wars china set this Christmas (“how did you KNOW that I totally wanted this!”) instead of the Shark Steam mop vacuum from QVC, courtesy of my mother-in-law. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to drink so much and feel paranoia about my filthy floors.
I would love the caftan if it were done in furry, woodland creatures. And a few fairy fetuses scattered about…
December 31, 2010 at 11:47 am
My mother would fight you for that House cross stitch. She doesn’t read Regretsy, fortunately for both of us, because A: she fights dirty, and B: if she saw this she’d try to talk me into making one for her. I would see that face in my nightmares.
December 31, 2010 at 11:56 am
I am saving now to buy the Futurama sampler for next Christmas. Love.
December 31, 2010 at 12:11 pm
I have had that cake in my favourites for ages. So cool. Kaftan aside, you have impeccable taste, HK.
December 31, 2010 at 12:18 pm
Titters snickered, feelings cheered, shops favorited. Thanks ever so, Nize LAYdeeee, and Happeh New Yeah.
December 31, 2010 at 12:24 pm
#12 Haha I would have been thrilled to get the steam mop LOL I got a crappy, cheap purse from my mother-in-law
She knows me so well…
December 31, 2010 at 12:36 pm
Oh my holy withering Jesus. Thank you SO much for introducing me to Steotch. No way can I justify those kind of bones on a sampler, but I hope someone sees the beauty in the Life Day sampler and displays it proudly every holiday season.
Happy Fuckering in the New Year!
December 31, 2010 at 12:38 pm
Oh. Mah. Gawd. Steoch is my new hero. As in, I want to learn to cross-stitch just so I can make something 1/4 as fucking spectacular as that Xzibit one. They’re like internet memes…FOR MY PARENTS.
December 31, 2010 at 1:29 pm
The only thing that would have made that House portrait more glorious if the seller was at FAIRFIELD hills rather than Litchfield hills. Same general area… but Fairfield Hills is the old insane asylum.
December 31, 2010 at 2:33 pm
I adore Anna and her artwork…so precious
December 31, 2010 at 2:36 pm
That “Bless this House” piece makes me want to take up embroidery again. Brilliant!
December 31, 2010 at 2:53 pm
Where can I get a pattern for the “Bless This House” cross-stitch? That is fantastic!
March 17, 2011 at 2:16 pm
Try:
http://www.stitchyourphoto.com/
And upload this photo:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/photos-ak-snc1/v3856/71/102/16453049322/n16453049322_1624780_3454070.jpg?dl=1
It won’t look just like the Steoch one but it will make a wonderful cross-stitch!
December 31, 2010 at 4:02 pm
I *so* wish Steotch made kits. I’d set aside the sewing and the knitting to make one of those samplers. I’m coveting your House one. The thought of that in my Delft-themed country kitchen (and people’s responses) gives me fits of warped little giggles.
I’d never shopped on Etsy until I found Regretsy, then I started finding all sorts of stuff I *had* to have. When I signed up, and the prompt asked “Where did you hear about Etsy?” or some suchlike, I almost typed in “Regretsy.”
Also glad to hear you’re not in Arkansas. I was starting to wonder if there’d been an elopement to Vegas.
Happy New Year, everyone!
December 31, 2010 at 4:51 pm
I love the puppies, then again I’m very sentimental and would keep everything of my kids if I could. I also love House so I would so own a House cross stitch. I love Regretsy, though I stink at amusing everyone I still enjoy it all.
December 31, 2010 at 5:43 pm
I wonder if Outrageous Rags would consider doing a caftan with cats on it. I’d wear it to my therapist appointments, so she wouldn’t feel like she’s taking my money on false pretenses.
And I have so many relatives I would send the chocolate cake birthday postcard to…
December 31, 2010 at 7:40 pm
The link you provided to the artist who does those fabulous miniature dogs was to her website, not her Etsy page. Just curious, what’s her Etsy seller’s name so I can look her up there, too?
Thank you for finding so much stuff, amazing or otherwise, for us to goggle at and, all too often, run out and buy. You have made 2010 a great year — I can’t wait to see what fuckery you find for 2011!
January 1, 2011 at 1:36 am
That House cross stitch is going to give me giggle fits at the wrongest times.
January 1, 2011 at 2:00 am
Showed my husband “Bless This House.” He loved it as much as I did.
January 1, 2011 at 8:14 am
How could you possibly know about the pop-eyed, slack-jawed face *I* made? Did you also know about the teary eyes?
But seriously, I cracked at the Chinese resellers and haven’t recovered yet… ^^
January 1, 2011 at 9:17 am
HK it’s all your fault that I have just purchased my third Star Trek Enterprise altered plate.
http://ny-image1.etsy.com/il_fullxfull.186472777.jpg
January 1, 2011 at 10:41 am
Once I saw that fabulous cake postcard I had to order it for a friend. Won’t she be surprised!
January 1, 2011 at 10:52 am
Dog miniature artist – Original April picture
Original miniature painting of April Winchell in a dalmation furry outfit complete with fingerless “paws”. This painting is a signed one of a kind and will never be duplicated (thank God). http://www.etsy.com/listing/62321732/painting-of-april-winchell-plus-signed?ref=pr_faveitems
January 1, 2011 at 12:19 pm
So now I know who to blame for snatching up the House cross stitch before I could!
January 1, 2011 at 3:23 pm
If I had that House cross stitch I would line up my SIX SEASONS OF HOUSE ON DVD underneath it and begin to build my Altar. IT’S NEVER LUPUS! [Actually, it was once!]
January 1, 2011 at 4:39 pm
um, I think the caftan seller’s “las vegas” one is just as bad as the dog one.
January 1, 2011 at 6:31 pm
Love it, love it, love it, love it, love it.
Enabling at its best.
Thank you, Helen.
January 1, 2011 at 10:36 pm
Oh, and I meant to say I love those plates, too. No one would be surprised to see them in my house. Here’s my favorite picture I have framed and on my wall:
http://www.posters.ws/images/412289/american_scream.jpg
It’s so me.
January 2, 2011 at 1:44 am
House makes me want to stab myself in the face repeatedly, but that cross-stitch is pretty fuckin’ sweet.
January 2, 2011 at 5:58 am
HOW has the Zombie Contessa plate not been snatched up yet? http://www.etsy.com/listing/58072761/zombie-contessa-altered-antique-plate
I, for one, am still obsessed with pomegranite80, the Etsy donkey rescue lady. Some day I want to have a big enough house to have one room to myself dedicated to my “stuff”. I’m going to have shelves or a mini-house of some sort built then buy all of pom’s donkeys in one fell swoop. It’s for a good cause, they aren’t expensive, and I think they are just adorable in a weird, oddball sort of way.
January 2, 2011 at 8:22 am
The chocolate postcard is amazing. I wants it, my precious!
January 2, 2011 at 2:24 pm
So freeking funny…. life is SO much better with Regretsy…..
January 2, 2011 at 2:45 pm
i received a plate from beatupcreations as a gift for my recent wedding. it instantly became our 1st family heirloom!
January 2, 2011 at 6:08 pm
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January 2, 2011 at 6:11 pm
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January 2, 2011 at 8:16 pm
Now I’m gonna have to invest in those damn bifocals I need so I can do things like cross-stitch again. Shit.
January 2, 2011 at 8:50 pm
Haven’t bought anything from Etsy yet, but if they decide to make an all-shelties caftan it *must* come to work with me for casual Friday.
January 2, 2011 at 9:22 pm
Excellent way to cap off the fucktastic year. I can hardly wait to see what etsy will produce for our pleasure in 2011. Mwahaha! (evil Vincent Price laugh from Thriller.)
January 2, 2011 at 9:27 pm
Damnit woman… Because of you I now have amazing altered plates and whimsicle fuckery cross stiches on my wish list… Buh-bye house decorating budget… you’ve been replaced with Etsy…
January 2, 2011 at 11:22 pm
K so this is probably only the second time I’ve ever commented, but YE GODS, is it even necessary. It’s 3:30 in the morning, I’m scrolling slowly, smiling, enjoying the post, and I come across “Bless this house”, I start to think, “Why would HK ever want – BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”.
Ohmygod, Hugh Laurie in cross-stitch. I think I just woke my whole apartment complex.
That is easily the greatest thing I have seen all year so far (I mean, it’s been 2 days, you think SOMETHING would’ve been better! but no). Thank you so much for finding it, purchasing it, and subsequently sharing it.
January 2, 2011 at 11:28 pm
or EVER* necessary. Apparently I are tired.
January 3, 2011 at 3:34 am
3 days without a new posting, help, I am having withdrawal symptoms……………………………
January 3, 2011 at 11:15 am
I personally like the caftan from outrageousrags with the strategically placed orchid on the front.
January 3, 2011 at 11:16 am
er, I mean hibiscus…
January 5, 2011 at 1:15 pm
I love you! I also love steotch. What a great article to end the year with!!! <3
January 6, 2011 at 2:42 am
I love this article, & would probably definitely kill for that House cross-stitch & Star Wars plates sets. I’m not saying lock your doors or anything, but I will bribe you to write me into your will.
Also, to really complete the article, you should of included the prices. At least to make us feel better by saying, ‘Well, there’s that money saved!’
January 14, 2011 at 8:19 am
Please please please can someone give the etsy info for the miniature dogs? I’d love to have my two done!
Thanks!
The second picture – the one with woody and the flowers – links to Anna’s Etsy store.
January 14, 2011 at 6:07 pm
I love the miniatures! I’m definitely getting some of my pets.