People ask me if I buy anything on Etsy. And when they ask me that, I laugh and laugh, and then I start to cry, because I have blown a fortune over there. After all, I spend at least 5 days a week looking at crap on Etsy, which means I am basically shopping all week. It’s not good.

Sometimes I see tweets go by where stupid girls with duckface avatars say things like, “OMG, get me off Etsy I am addicted LOL” and I think, fuck you. I’ve bought more shit since breakfast than you have all year. Go ask your mama if you can use her Paypal account, you sorry little weekender.

The end result of all this shopping is, of course, a house full of fuckery. I have crap in every room, mocking me like the ghost of dollars past. “Hey shit for brains”, it whispers, “I’m the down payment on that house you wanted!” And then I have another drink, and the voices get quiet again.

So the next time you wonder why Etsy lets me do what I do, just remember that I’m practically keeping them in business. Well, me and the Chinese resellers.

5. FAKE CHOCOLATE CAKE POSTCARD

This thing is incredible. It looks exactly like a piece of chocolate cake. I have no idea what it’s made of, but it’s perfect. And the idea of getting a piece of cake in your mailbox on your birthday is completely brilliant.

I sent this to my sister for her birthday last May, and she loved it. She took pictures of it at the laundromat.

4. STAR WARS CAKE PLATE SET

People submit this seller to me almost every day as a WTF feature, clearly unaware of the fact that I’ve bought so many of her pieces, I had to have a plate rack built in my kitchen.

But there you go. One man’s Regretsy is another’s obsession, and Beat Up Creations is one of mine. I love contrast, so the way she juxtaposes pop culture icons with traditional antique china really pleases me.

As much as I adore the Star Wars set, I really love the custom Judge Judy plate I had made a few months ago. She sits comfortably between Mr. Spock and Mr. T, as she probably does every day in the commissary.

3. FLEECE DOG CAFTAN

Someone posted this on the Regretsy Facebook page, and I bought it the moment I saw it. In fact, I’m wearing it right now.

Not only is it warm and cozy and very well made, it is easily the most hideous fucking thing I have ever seen in my life. I mean witheringly ugly. It virtually screams, I GIVE UP. The multi-colored pattern is great for hiding food stains, and it looks great with gray roots and a bottle of Motrin.

And it’s not just lounge wear! You can wear it around town and look just as chic. It’s perfect for running out to the liquor store for a bottle of Baileys and some lottery tickets.

I frequently check the seller’s store, but have yet to see anything as horrendous as this. She does claim to do custom work, so I’m keeping my eyes open for some “horses running in the surf” throws at the gas station.

2. HAND SCULPTED MINIATURE DOGS

For Christmas, my friend Diana had my dogs made in miniature by Anna Vanover. They are so amazingly detailed and accurate, right down to their little spots.

When I opened the box and saw how special and perfect they were, I decided to commission one for my best friend, whose dog Woody passed away during the summer. I sent pictures to Anna, including one with Woody sitting by some potted flowers. Within a day, she had finished the sculpture and mailed it, and he received the gift on Christmas eve. She even included the flowers.

1. BLESS THIS HOUSE CROSS STITCH

This is easily my favorite purchase of the year. It hangs in my kitchen, where visitors make the same pop-eyed, slack-jawed face I made when I first saw it.

Like everything in Steotch’s store, it is exquisitely executed and profoundly strange. And for my money, that’s Etsy at it’s best: well crafted and wildly creative objects you just can’t find anywhere else.

Well, until Anthropologie sees this.

I wonder if they get House in India.

It’s a Boxing Day miracle!

Yes, it’s a day late, but still one of my favorite things we’ve ever done here. Hope you enjoy it!

I am about to close my laptop and go to my mother’s house, where we are going to exchange shitty gifts and eat pizza.

It’s better than it sounds. The pizza was flown in from Chicago, and we are purposely exchanging the ugliest shit we could find. There will also be a lounge wear competition. The person with the most hideous outfit will win a prize my mother and I found at a thrift store. I can’t tell you what it is, but it is completely God awful. I’ll post a picture of it tomorrow.

And I’ll be posting something else tomorrow: a short holiday movie Bronc and I have been working on for you. It features some great voice-over people, including the incomparable Rob Paulsen, who you may know from Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain. It’s destined to be a Christmas classic.

Until, please enjoy what I perceive to be the most cringeworthy version of a Christmas song in the history of recorded sound.

UPDATE: IMPORTANT LEGAL THINGS

Dear “Designer”,

Thank you for mail bombing me on Christmas with a hissy fit over a typo. I have read all ten of your emails now, and have come to the conclusion that you did not get a Wii this year.

First let me apologize and say sincerely that I was not aware you were the author of the song, Let it Snow, from which you have taken this lyric. I always thought that was Sammy Cahn, but then, I don’t get to Arkansas much.

I also did not realize you held the copyright to this image! No wonder you have attorneys on both coasts.

However, I must take exception to your accusation of “deceiving the public”. I never took credit for your misspelling of “it”. I simply showed your card, which you put up for sale on a public web site, and offered my opinion.

I know it’s hard to think analytically when you’re stealing Mariah Carey lyrics, but it really is within the law to comment on work being sold to the public. You can even use a certain amount of the work in your criticism, which is why Roger Ebert has never been arrested.

We like to call it “Fair Use” out west, but the law may be different in your state, where people still pay for wives with livestock.

Normally I don’t remove posts that link to deleted items, because at that point it becomes completely anonymous, and no one can identify the seller. In this case, however, I am convinced you mean business by your copying and pasting of legal sounding things your dad forwarded to you so would shut the hell up on Christmas.

Happy new year… unless you own the rights to that, too.

HK