Well to be fair, that is how it sounds when you don’t have any teeth.

I AM ALSO THANKFUL FOR THIS.

Every year around this time, people start counting their blessings, and taking stock of all the things they’re thankful for. I do it too, because I’m no different than any of you, except that I have no heart.

My list is long. Almost as long as the shopping list I’ll be taking to the liquor store in a few hours.

So before I black out, let me tell you a few things I’m grateful for this holiday season. And you might want to play the following MP3 while you’re reading it, to make it that much more poignant:

I’m thankful that I don’t have to fly anywhere, though I’m a little sad no one is feeling me up at the airport.

I’m thankful I ordered a deep fried turkey, and I don’t have to use that white thing in the kitchen with the knobs on it.

I’m thankful for my shredded left knee, for it has afforded me the ultimate holiday bounty; a Vicodin prescription and a temporary disability parking placard.

I’m thankful that with your support, and with the support of my advertisers, we’ve been able to raise over $30,000 for charity in the last eleven months.

I’m thankful that the McRib is back.

I’m thankful that you continue to buy my book, and that so many of you are using this Amazon link to do so (royalties for every book sold through that link are donated to charity, and Amazon throws in another 5%).

I’m thankful for email like this:

Dear April,

Last night I went on a date with a girl. It was our second time meeting. We went to the brand new art museum here in Charlotte. They had a piece called Hunger on display. She remarked that it looked like something from Etsy. I asked if she ever read Regretsy. She said “That’s whimsicle.” I said “Say what?”

I think I’m in love.

I’m thankful for the community of brilliantly funny assholes here, and that I see so many tweets like this:

I’m thankful that I can tell you to put sweaters on your legs and take pictures of yourselves, and you do. I’m thankful that there are now close to 60,000 people in our Facebook group, and many of them can spell. I’m thankful that we make each other laugh, and that you make this something I can wake up and do every day.

But most of all, I’m thankful that I’m not vegan.