I like the life lesson this mother is teaching.
I’m filing this one away for later use.
I could come actually expire your beloved pet for $50, if that’s what you want.
wow, this kind of repeat customer is what really puts the restraining order in retail.
how ’bout making deadish-looking family members to really fuck up the poor kid….
“And that’s why you always leave a note!”
hey but at least she is open to new ideas. the kind that kicked off Clive Barker’s career.
Black Lab? Too bad it isn’t a dachshund with big tits. I know where he could get one.
Wow, my sister-in-law discovered Etsy.
Ok. For $50 you’re willing to emotionally scar a child. My child is 14, and I’d never do this. Now that the lesson is taught, what do you do with the fake disemboweled lab?
Well, given that the buyer is a sick fuck, I’m sure he’ll come up with all sorts of shenanigans.
Don’t worry, my son is almost 13 – so he can attend the therapy sessions all by himself.
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@2 Travelgrrl, here’s even better. Just go over to the guy’s house, do the deed, then go knock on the door and ask for the $50.
I’m curious what the dolls would look like after that masterpiece. I suppose that’s one way to teach your daughter not to get knocked up.
My husband keeps leaving lights on all over the house.
Budget = $10.00
Show me what you can do, crafters!
I knew my degree in Extreme Taxidermy would be profitable someday! If he throw in an extra $10, I’ll hide just out of line of sight and make coyote noises to really drive it home.
There’s a reason I’m so freaked out by dolls.
For $50.00, is it going to be needle-felted and have a little fuzzy minge “fascinator” on its cold, dead head? Just checking…
This is when requiring a license to have children would have come in handy.
Oops, just noticed this request is from a guy.
Honest mistake. I know plenty of gals named “Jake”!
I can get you the most realistic-looking dead dog – no problem!
Just let me get some gas in my car first.
#16 LeeLoo: Yes, like my sister-in-law!
This is what happens when kids can’t be spanked. I have to put a severed horse’s head in my kids’ bed to get him to do anything!
@14 o_rly, contact the requester to offer to do extra animals for $50 each. Coyote 1 has his snout buried in the entrails of their dog. Coyote 2 has a blood snout, standing at the corpse and looking at the house. Coyote 3, entrail hanging from bloody mouth, is in a threatening stance looking at the house as if it is about to charge.
Scene: Kitchen of home on the edge of the wilderness. Son is at the table eating breakfast. Mother is looking out the window near the sink.
Mother: *screams, point out of window.* Son! Did you leave the gate open?”
Son: *comes to window, screams*
It’s a great family image. I can see it in Norman Rockwell style with the son screaming and shitting his pants while Dad laughs in the corner.
My dog died on Saturday, so I’m probably a bit irrationally pissed, but this lady made me seethe with rage.
Oops, I too got the gender wrong. This *guy* made me seethe with rage. Okay.
For $50, you really can’t get any more than a mortally wounded Lhasa Apso or maybe two rabid raccoons. It really is a seller’s market in the children’s nightmare inspiration game.
It cost me almost $400 to teach my 14-year-old to stop taking her grandparents for granted.
Helena – HAHAHA!
Calculu – I’m awfully sorry about your dog. : (
#23 Wednesday, just curious… why are you against Kool-Aid? Or is it just the Kool-Aid man that you hate?
Singing the Dr. Demento Classic, “I’m looking over, my dead dog, Rover, who I hit with the Power Mower.”
I mean #24, sorry.
the requester could show the boy this alchemy request and teach him another valuable life lesson.
“Son, one, or more, of your parents are complete whack jobs.”
@Calculusgirl-I’m sorry about your dog too.
“…and that’s why you always leave a note.”
When I was three my dog, a Lhasa Apso named Dinky, was hit and killed by a car right in front of me. Needless to say, it was about as traumatizing as it could get. I can’t imagine anyone putting their child, regardless of age, through something like this.
The requester is cheaping out on the the request because he needs to put away some money for his immanent divorce.
I know who I’d be kicking to the curb if this travesty were played out at my house, and it wouldn’t be the black lab, that’s for sure.
Also, if I were the kid, I’d make sure I’d be the one to pick daddy’s nursing home when the time comes.
Calculusgirl, sorry for your loss.
I had a dog that kept getting out through a damaged gate. I didn’t repair it in time to keep it from getting hit by a car. Just imagine if my wife had had this bozo’s idea. I’d have fixed the gate, but I’d be divorced by now.
And y’all thought Joan Crawford was a bitch!
Is this Dr. Spock approved? Does anyone even know who Dr. Spock is anymore?
He’s the guy from Star Trek, right? :-p
How is a 13 year old not able to understand consequences?
My kids were well-versed in “actions= consequences” when they were much younger than 13.
I guess this is what ends up happening when a special snowflake gets coddled so much they don’t know right from wrong.
Dear Dumbass from Colleyville, Texas:
You missed their September 21 presentation. However, call the Hurst Animal Shelter at 817-743-4522 and see if you can bring your son in to get information on coyote control.
If you’re still interested in scaring your son for life, I’m sure they’ll provide you with photos of local coyote attacks.
Ohhh, so she wants the Free Range Laborador model?
Personally, I hope my country lab would open up a can of whoop ass on any coyote that would happen to wander in my yard. A lab that’s twice the weight of a scrawny coyote, probably fed designer dog food better do it’s job and protect the family, like Old Yeller.
Any other lab should just dress up as a wuss.
To LeeLooDallas with the husband who won’t do what Al Gore would do. Remove the light plate AND switch from the wall. When he walks into the darkened room and reaches for the switch, he will get the shit shocked out of him. When he gets out of the hospital, tell him that this will happen infrequently until he learns to turn the lights off. It works on the same principal as a dog and an electric fence.
thank God there are no bids on this!
I’m not sure I understand how keeping a pet inside a fence and within two acres of the house would prevent it from being killed by coyotes (that wouldn’t do a damn bit of good around here – maybe our coyotes are more desperate).
I’m so glad this made it on to Regretsy. It spawned a debate amongst friends a few days ago (on my facebook) regarding parenting in different socio-economic climates. People were quite politely called ignorant assholes and still even more politely told to shove it. It was great. I’m glad you ignoramuses have the same view I do. This brand of parenting is damaging… to children and crafters alike.
@44 CrossedPromise, I’m not sure how the following is acceptable in any stratum of society:
“Look, Son! Coyotes have disemboweled your dog!”
“OHDEARGODINHEAVENNONOTSPARKYMYDOGSPARKYOHWHYLORDWHYWAAAAAAAAA… SPARKY… WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
“Just kidding, Son. Now let this be a lesson to you. And go clean your shorts.”
If you *really* want a dead dog I can unstick one from the road for you, mate…
My daughter, who I was biking to school, watched a squirrel get hit by an SUV and flipped up in the air, only to land two feet in front of her. It twitched a few last times, all the while she screamed, and blood oozed out it’s ear as it died there. I answered(lied) a lot of questions for her- how old was he? (3, but that’s like 104 in squirrel years. Does he have a mom? (Yes, but she’s already in squirrel heaven, making him a nut sundae).
She’ll tell you now though- that’s what happens when you don’t look both ways before crossing the street.
this lady doesn’t deserve to have any pets .and a coyote is not much bigger than a fox and they’re scavengers. this ladys dog, a lab is 2 times the size of a coyote. anyone else see the disproportion?
I think this lady’s real concern should be cars, and her demented methods of parenting
#10WTFindeed yea. I think the kid is already in need of therapy BEFORE this incident. i don’t think this kid wants mommy in on these sessions anyways.
Why can’t she just buy a padlock for the gate?
On the other hand, I guarantee you that this won’t be as traumatic as ACTUALLY finding the dog run over in the street. Seriously? A thirteen-year-old who can’t learn to close a gate? Apparently stupidity runs in the family.
Better idea: Charge him five bucks every time he leaves the gate open. If that doesn’t teach him really quickly, then at least you’ll have it set aside for when that dog actually does get run over . . .
I’ll be a return customer – Grandma is going downhill fast and I want to do a practice run of the funeral with the kids. I’ll post pictures on flikr so you can enjoy too.
Dix, you have the best solution right there. Junior losing out on his allowance for a month or so would be a much better solution. And have much less psychological trauma associated with it.
And Bills, I’m sorry about your dog too.
persistent nagging is equally effective, less traumatic, and doesn’t cost you 50 bucks.
in a few months this kid is going to start the best justified case of teenage rebellion ever
and if your four year old lab can’t scare off coyotes, it is probably in traction and shouldn’t leave the house
I have another question…what in the world does he mean by “deadish”? Are there varying degrees of deadness to choose from, or am I missing something here? :C
This is all very sad and confusing.
How long do you keep up the Dog Is Dead Illusion? I am imagining a cremation and funeral before the dad picks Sparky back up from his brother’s house.
When I was in High School, my parents’ rule that my bike had to be locked in the garage often went unheeded. Once, my folks took my brand new 10-speed and hid it in the neighbor’s yard, telling me it was stolen. I freaked out while they died laughing.
“Sort of” the same thing. Only not.
Well, the same thing, sans lifelong trust issues and countless hours in therapy, Travelgrrl.
Now boys and girls today’s lesson is how to be a crappy parent who will emotionally scar his or her kid into becoming a serial killer.
Merry Christmas son. Now let’s watch your sister open her gift.
I can see this kid teaching his dad a “life lesson” to do with wrecking the family car and/or a staged break-in.
I think is where that bumper of ” My Lab is smarter than your Honor Roll Student” comes into play…
bumper sticker- opps
I don’t know why he is bothering with spending $50 on Etsy. I can guarantee you that if he calls animal control they have likely picked up some road kill that would fit his needs for free.
Here’s a thought. Stop being retarded. Ground your teenager and stop giving them any luxuries or allowance money. Offer freedom and heck – include that $50 you just saved as an incentive once he proves his responsibilities. Consequences should be real, not imaginary emotional fuckery. Fuck yah I’m judgmental.
I think this is awesome.
But then, my mother used to tell me there were giant, child-eating rats in the garage (to keep me away from dangerous stuff like gasoline) and that the oil spots in parking lots were children who had been run over (to keep me from running off).
Don’t worry, I don’t plan on reproducing myself.
this ad justifies every uncharitable thing I’ve ever said about Texas.
This is like a child therapist’s wet dream! This kid’s therapy will be paying for his new Mercedes…
“keep in mind my daughter loves dolls and stuffed toys”- good to know! maybe after jake finishes traumatizing his son with the “dead dog” doll, he can upcycle it into a new toy for his daughter
Where the fuck is J. Walter Weatherman when you need him?!?!?
fake dead dog $50.00
traumatizing your kid : PRICELESS
In some circles I’m known as the World’s Worst Mom for telling my kids that the ice-cream truck sold liver on a stick…they believed me for a few years & then one day my daughter (5years old) saw the pictures on the outside of the truck. I will never forget her reaction. “Heeeeeyyyyy. Wait a minute….”
One day I will have to pay for her therapy, I’m told. At least she won’t kill me in my sleep like this guy’s kid.
@45 BillsBayou Yeah, I’m on the side that this particular brand of parenting is fucked and that the lesson learned here will be resentment and a possible guro fetish.
Well, it’s good to know that failing to adequately parent your child for 13 years can be fixed neatly for the low, low price of only $50. In this economy, a bargain. *nods*
this lady doesn’t deserve to have any pets .and a coyote is not much bigger than a fox and they’re scavengers. this ladys dog, a lab is 2 times the size of a coyote. anyone else see the disproportion?”
…coyotes often do hunt in packs, like wolves. One animal may not be a problem, but you get a few together and they can do serious damage. They have been known to bring down elk and deer, as well as large dogs and livestock. Their ability to carry diseases is a serious threat to pets, and when they interbreed with dogs, the resulting offspring are less afraid of humans.
…of course there are less traumatizing ways to get the point across.
Eh, maybe I’m cold, but this didn’t really bother me that much. I’d be thankful if I thought my dog was dead and found out he wasn’t. Then again, I recently lost the best dog I’ve ever had.
The gore probably wouldn’t have bothered me either, but then again when I was little I used to watch various deer skinned after whatever relative/friend of the family was home from hunting.
This person lacks creativity and the ability to visualize. There’s some very good faux fur out there, and if it’s going to be seen from a distance, all he’d have to do is shred it a bit and place it over a lumpy form. Fake dead dog, very little work. Martha Stewart would be proud.
I think they need this person to just play the part of the dead dog:
#78 where did that picture come from?? You know what, don’t answer that.
My dad lives in the high desert in nevada, and various packs of wild things roam around since he lives in an area that was wild scrub miles from the city limit up until a few years ago.
Occasionally he sees teenagers and grown ups walking around putting up “pet missing” fliers and if they come to his door he tells em straight out stuff like
“Wow, that was a really cute Chihuahua. Coyotes probably ate him, these are like walking cheetos to coyotes. You should have kept him inside.”
I love my Dad.
There’s way too much self-righteous parenting advice in these comments, as if regretsy should be a valuable source of parenting information… and they all miss the point that this request is bloody hilarious
I think this is hilarious. A poor discipline plan that is sure to result in more amusement, resentment, and/or trauma than actual behavioral change, but hey, he’s a dad.
My husband thinks that if he tells our kids he will sell them back to the zoo (and actually went so far as to point out the “return counter” at the zoo–it was the coat check), they will behave.
Where would we be without a little trauma? My mom tortured me with passive-aggressive sighs. I’d have much rather found a dead dog, though preferably not until after the filched coffee.
Oh, and the kids are four and one. So yeah.
“I guess this is what ends up happening when a special snowflake gets coddled so much they don’t know right from wrong.”
Wow, your kids are perfect by the age of 13 and never forget homework and to shut the gate???
Amazing! Be sure to write a book so the rest of us can all have perfect children before adolescence.
I’m guessing this guy has tried other consequences, short of psychological trauma, and they haven’t worked.
In the immortal words of the New Yorker, “Christ, what an asshole.”
I find it disturbing that once he finds someone who can effectively craft a horrific model of a gruesomely dead dog, he wants that same person to make soft toys for his daughter to cuddle.
There is no logic to that.
And it brings to mind pictures of gruesome dolls.
Ruh roh, I thought it was brilliant.
Perhaps in about ten years I’ll find my face on the front cover of Time?
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