Wow, I’m super bummed. I can, and DO, make really crappy stuff, but I’m so backed up with Eid orders right now, it’s just ridiculous. I give you permission to post this on Jalopnik.
I will give you the Christmas gift ideas for free, but you may not post them on Etsy, nor shall you distribute them to any daycare center, profit or non-profit:
– A lanyard in the shape of a snake
– A rubberband bracelet decorated with hearts drawn with a ballpoint pen
– An ashtray made from Sculpy
– A fascinator upcycled from a paperclip and some found pigeon feathers
– A googly-eyed paperweight made from an especially attractive rock
I promise you, none of these lovely handmade gifts will ever appear to be too advanced for your talents. Also? You may want to start saving popsicle sticks and doilies. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner!
What a naughty Alchemist, this violates the X-mas spirit in so many ways!
I think the requestor is afraid that Santa Claus would find him out if the post ended up here. I think a fitting punishment would be for all his future X-mas presents to be selected among other Regretsy-entries!
I’ve got 30 Star Trek Enterprise butt plugs that I was going to send to Michigan. How many do you need? I’ll replace the white running lights with red and green to make it all Christmasy like.
I’d bid on this. I have to get paid first before shipping out the items anyway, so nothing stops me from screen printing somewhere on it “not actually made by your asshole relative/friend, whatever the hell they want to make you believe”.
Dear Sir or Madam: I am writing on behalf of my client, Scrooge of Jefferson, NC (“Scrooge”)regarding your recent posting on Regretsy. We ask that you cease and desist the use of Scrooge’s Alchemy Request (“Request”) on your website. As you can see from Scrooge’s original Request (attached hereto as Exhibit A), he expressly states, “Also, I hereby do not give permission to have this request posted on Regretsy.” Your subsequent posting is in direct violation of this request. We ask that you delete this posting from your site within twenty-four (24) hours from the time of receipt of this letter. Failure to do so will result in my client using any legal remedies at his disposal to resolve this situation. Sincerely, Iman Attorney
P.S. Why yes, he only paid me $10 to write this. Why do you ask?
I love that people have no problems believing a request for a Star Trek butt plug, but someone who wants you to make their Christmas gifts for them is a fake. – HK
“I love that people have no problems believing a request for a Star Trek butt plug, but someone who wants you to make their Christmas gifts for them is a fake. – HK”
I dunno. There’s something fishy about the way the person made a point of mentioning Regretsy.
“I love that people have no problems believing a request for a Star Trek butt plug, but someone who wants you to make their Christmas gifts for them is a fake. – HK”
That’s because Star Trek sex toys have real world appeal. I’d bet that more than half of all Regretsians read that post and were all like, “I want a goddamn Enterprise in my ass, that’s a good idea.”
She/he could just put 10.00 in the search on Etsy’s homepage and get a whole bunch of stuff her cheap butt could choose from. But that’s too much work and she was not given permission to do that.
@ HK –
I dunno, HK. As a former Trekkie myself (original generation, thank you!) I can say I’ve been to the conventions and witnessed thereof many things (including the pornographic fandom mags) that made my eyes bleed. Starship buttplugs are well within the realm of possibility for those folks.
PLAN ‘A’:Post Alchemy request on etsy SPECIFICALLY deny permission to post it on regretsy. Sue Regretsy for MUCHO $$$$$…Buy good crap for everyone for Christmas…MOOOOWWHOOOOOOOHAHAHAHAHA
Man, if you’re going to be a grinch, have the balls to just be a grinch. Be up front about it, instead of accepting what might possibly be thoughtful gifts from other people, as you hand them little parcels of fuck-you-very-much.
I kind of feel bad for this person, because you know he’s got some crafty sister who had the whole “let’s *make* our gifts for Christmas this year–$10 limit per gift” conversation, which was very easy for her, since she’s been selling felt mustaches and super-sized cowls on Etsy for years, whereas he’s a daytrader who always buys for their parents from Hammacher-Schlemmer, and then at dinner, everyone’s still oohing and aahing about how great it’s going to be to have a towel warmer in the bedroom, and nobody even tries on the cardigans she knit from plarn.
well I don’t care what YOU think I’m gonna go put in my Alchemy request for a time traveling space go kart that runs on human excrement and you just watch ME get on Regretsy TOMORROW.
@#13 knittin-kitten, we indeed do have a Wal-Mart. (yes, I unfortunately share the very small town of Jefferson with this person.) And a Family Dollar. And hell, even a Dollar Tree AND a Dollar General. So Lawyer McLawyer pants needs to get in their car and just go the fuck on.
And now, here’s a rant I’ve bottling up for some time:
I know it’s bad Etsy-quette, but I really don’t understand the pissy attitude towards Regretsy. I’m getting ready to list some pieces, and if I got lucky enough to have them featured here, the first thing I’d do is shoot HK a “THANK YOU THANK YOU GOD THIS IS SAVING MY CHRISTMAS” email.
I don’t give two shits if you’re buying my work because you think it’s well-made, you’re into kitsch, you want to turn it into an effigy to burn, whatever. I just care that it sells because money is so much more important than any false notions of pride. Shit featured on Regretsy sells (and I’d assume that Alchemy requests featured on Regretsy get filled at a similar rate). To me, that’s a lot better than sitting on a bunch of unmoved pieces (or unfulfilled Alchemy requests) because you’re too good to interact with such rabble as us. I wish more Etsy members would get over themselves already.
November 18, 2010 at 9:34 am
I also do not give you permission to post this comment.
November 18, 2010 at 9:35 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 18, 2010 at 9:37 am
Whoa, whoa, whoa… She said ‘hereby’. That’s some of that fancy lawyerin’ speak.
You sure you want to post this?
November 18, 2010 at 9:40 am
I do not give you permission to laugh at me.
November 18, 2010 at 9:41 am
Some people will do ANYTHING to get on Regretsy.
Well done, sir or madam or fucktard. Well done.
November 18, 2010 at 9:45 am
If you don’t care what we think then why do you care if it’s posted on Regretsy?
November 18, 2010 at 9:46 am
Wow, I’m super bummed. I can, and DO, make really crappy stuff, but I’m so backed up with Eid orders right now, it’s just ridiculous. I give you permission to post this on Jalopnik.
November 18, 2010 at 9:46 am
Is not caring what someone may think more or less acceptance of it being posted on Regretsy? Semantics antics. Tomato tomoto.
November 18, 2010 at 9:49 am
that’s what i love about regretsy.
we never do what we’re told.
November 18, 2010 at 9:50 am
Why don’t you just crap into a paper bag that says, “IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, BITCHES!” and leave them flaming on your family members doorstep?
(I’m thinking this might be my sister. She’s kind of a bitch and always gives horrible, thoughtless gifts.)
November 18, 2010 at 9:51 am
I do give you permission to kiss my tushie!
Butt make it good , or else.
November 18, 2010 at 9:52 am
“I really don’t care what you make”
Somebody’s just begging for butt plugs.
November 18, 2010 at 9:53 am
There’s no Walmart near the requester? I’m sure they could find something to fit their requirements for under $10.
As for the last sentence, please. That last sentence is a blatant ‘pick me!’ ‘pick me!’ plea if ever I saw one.
November 18, 2010 at 9:57 am
I will give you the Christmas gift ideas for free, but you may not post them on Etsy, nor shall you distribute them to any daycare center, profit or non-profit:
– A lanyard in the shape of a snake
– A rubberband bracelet decorated with hearts drawn with a ballpoint pen
– An ashtray made from Sculpy
– A fascinator upcycled from a paperclip and some found pigeon feathers
– A googly-eyed paperweight made from an especially attractive rock
I promise you, none of these lovely handmade gifts will ever appear to be too advanced for your talents. Also? You may want to start saving popsicle sticks and doilies. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner!
November 18, 2010 at 9:59 am
Family Dollar has a banner outside saying: “WE HAVE $5 GIFTS!”
There, I just saved you five bucks per person.
But you don’t have my permission to use this idea. Find your own dollar store.
November 18, 2010 at 10:06 am
What a naughty Alchemist, this violates the X-mas spirit in so many ways!
I think the requestor is afraid that Santa Claus would find him out if the post ended up here. I think a fitting punishment would be for all his future X-mas presents to be selected among other Regretsy-entries!
November 18, 2010 at 10:08 am
I’ve got 30 Star Trek Enterprise butt plugs that I was going to send to Michigan. How many do you need? I’ll replace the white running lights with red and green to make it all Christmasy like.
November 18, 2010 at 10:10 am
@ #7 curlytopnola: and we always do what we’re told not to do. So there.
November 18, 2010 at 10:11 am
I’d bid on this. I have to get paid first before shipping out the items anyway, so nothing stops me from screen printing somewhere on it “not actually made by your asshole relative/friend, whatever the hell they want to make you believe”.
November 18, 2010 at 10:12 am
@ #8 KibblesNBits: Well, she can truthfully say that she made them, right?
November 18, 2010 at 10:15 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 18, 2010 at 10:15 am
I hate to say this, but I’m beginning to suspect this post was a set up and we’ve all just been served.
November 18, 2010 at 10:16 am
Could be worse, Miss Thang. You could find your request posted on 4chan.
(goes back to turning panda bear toys into Christmasy polar bears with a can of white Rustoleum)
November 18, 2010 at 10:16 am
Dear Sir or Madam: I am writing on behalf of my client, Scrooge of Jefferson, NC (“Scrooge”)regarding your recent posting on Regretsy. We ask that you cease and desist the use of Scrooge’s Alchemy Request (“Request”) on your website. As you can see from Scrooge’s original Request (attached hereto as Exhibit A), he expressly states, “Also, I hereby do not give permission to have this request posted on Regretsy.” Your subsequent posting is in direct violation of this request. We ask that you delete this posting from your site within twenty-four (24) hours from the time of receipt of this letter. Failure to do so will result in my client using any legal remedies at his disposal to resolve this situation. Sincerely, Iman Attorney
P.S. Why yes, he only paid me $10 to write this. Why do you ask?
November 18, 2010 at 10:17 am
Came to think of this Ikea TV ad. It could serve as inspiration for whoever wants to collect the $50.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMYgZCjHsWI
November 18, 2010 at 10:19 am
@Orlana, just put “MADE IN CHINA” on them.
November 18, 2010 at 10:25 am
Buttons and glue. You can do anything with buttons and glue. Add some glitter and you have shiny buttons! Ooh, shiny…
November 18, 2010 at 10:25 am
I was all set to negotiate five oil paintings for $10, until I got to the fourth sentence.
Now, she can go fuck herself.
(You have permission to post this.)
November 18, 2010 at 10:32 am
Oh, come on, people… Regretsy bait.
I love that people have no problems believing a request for a Star Trek butt plug, but someone who wants you to make their Christmas gifts for them is a fake. – HK
November 18, 2010 at 10:41 am
But she said “hereby” that’s, like, lawyer talk. You’re in trouble now, Killer!
November 18, 2010 at 10:44 am
“I love that people have no problems believing a request for a Star Trek butt plug, but someone who wants you to make their Christmas gifts for them is a fake. – HK”
I dunno. There’s something fishy about the way the person made a point of mentioning Regretsy.
November 18, 2010 at 10:47 am
Doesn’t care what i make, wants to take credit for someone else’s work doesn’t want things to be “too good” and is willing to pay only $10 per gift?
….must…not….use…my…powers…for…evil!
November 18, 2010 at 10:51 am
I can whip up a batch of festive tampon ghost earrings with lots of glitter and Midol eyes for this bitchy request.
November 18, 2010 at 10:53 am
Lumps of coal are cheap and look cute in those little furry stockings. How many do you need again?
November 18, 2010 at 11:06 am
“I love that people have no problems believing a request for a Star Trek butt plug, but someone who wants you to make their Christmas gifts for them is a fake. – HK”
That’s because Star Trek sex toys have real world appeal. I’d bet that more than half of all Regretsians read that post and were all like, “I want a goddamn Enterprise in my ass, that’s a good idea.”
November 18, 2010 at 11:13 am
DO NOT READ THIS COMMENT!
November 18, 2010 at 11:13 am
She/he could just put 10.00 in the search on Etsy’s homepage and get a whole bunch of stuff her cheap butt could choose from. But that’s too much work and she was not given permission to do that.
November 18, 2010 at 11:15 am
@ HK –
I dunno, HK. As a former Trekkie myself (original generation, thank you!) I can say I’ve been to the conventions and witnessed thereof many things (including the pornographic fandom mags) that made my eyes bleed. Starship buttplugs are well within the realm of possibility for those folks.
November 18, 2010 at 11:21 am
okay this NEEDS to be a tote bag for charity. And it needs to be under ten dollars…
And you need to send five of them to that requester.
November 18, 2010 at 11:50 am
Some Regretsy person really needs to bid on this and then post pictures of the hilarious results.
November 18, 2010 at 11:51 am
aen13 has the right idea! This needs it’s own tote bag!
November 18, 2010 at 11:51 am
PLAN ‘A’:Post Alchemy request on etsy SPECIFICALLY deny permission to post it on regretsy. Sue Regretsy for MUCHO $$$$$…Buy good crap for everyone for Christmas…MOOOOWWHOOOOOOOHAHAHAHAHA
November 18, 2010 at 12:21 pm
So the REQUEST isn’t permitted to be on Regretsy but she doesn’t say anything about the ITEMS created for her not being on Regretsy…
November 18, 2010 at 12:24 pm
NEEDS MOAR BUTTPLUGS.
You have permission to stick this in your merry pooper.
November 18, 2010 at 12:41 pm
I don’t care if this was Regretsy bait or not – these are even better than the “best comment thread” I read yesterday.
I can’t top any of these comments.
I think I need to put in an Alchemy request for hilarious comments for regretsy posts.
November 18, 2010 at 12:50 pm
[CENSORED]
November 18, 2010 at 1:34 pm
Karen Lynn Crozier wants us to make Christmas gifts for all her Facebook friends. Hooray!
November 18, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Sounds like that crazy Bellaboo lady.
November 18, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Man, if you’re going to be a grinch, have the balls to just be a grinch. Be up front about it, instead of accepting what might possibly be thoughtful gifts from other people, as you hand them little parcels of fuck-you-very-much.
November 18, 2010 at 2:38 pm
I kind of feel bad for this person, because you know he’s got some crafty sister who had the whole “let’s *make* our gifts for Christmas this year–$10 limit per gift” conversation, which was very easy for her, since she’s been selling felt mustaches and super-sized cowls on Etsy for years, whereas he’s a daytrader who always buys for their parents from Hammacher-Schlemmer, and then at dinner, everyone’s still oohing and aahing about how great it’s going to be to have a towel warmer in the bedroom, and nobody even tries on the cardigans she knit from plarn.
November 18, 2010 at 2:56 pm
Yeah, um I could give him some of this crap that I made in pottery class… but I guess it would look too well made.
November 18, 2010 at 3:51 pm
My, someone thinks they work for Larry H. Parker. Also, I hereby do say tough shit to you.
November 18, 2010 at 3:55 pm
if you do not care what is made you have forfeited your right to whine about any crap made for you.
November 18, 2010 at 4:34 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 18, 2010 at 4:34 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 18, 2010 at 11:05 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 18, 2010 at 11:08 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 19, 2010 at 2:16 am
I hereby do not give permission for people making requests whilst high.
November 19, 2010 at 8:58 am
well I don’t care what YOU think I’m gonna go put in my Alchemy request for a time traveling space go kart that runs on human excrement and you just watch ME get on Regretsy TOMORROW.
yeah.
November 19, 2010 at 12:39 pm
@#13 knittin-kitten, we indeed do have a Wal-Mart. (yes, I unfortunately share the very small town of Jefferson with this person.) And a Family Dollar. And hell, even a Dollar Tree AND a Dollar General. So Lawyer McLawyer pants needs to get in their car and just go the fuck on.
November 23, 2010 at 5:11 pm
LOLWHUT?
And now, here’s a rant I’ve bottling up for some time:
I know it’s bad Etsy-quette, but I really don’t understand the pissy attitude towards Regretsy. I’m getting ready to list some pieces, and if I got lucky enough to have them featured here, the first thing I’d do is shoot HK a “THANK YOU THANK YOU GOD THIS IS SAVING MY CHRISTMAS” email.
I don’t give two shits if you’re buying my work because you think it’s well-made, you’re into kitsch, you want to turn it into an effigy to burn, whatever. I just care that it sells because money is so much more important than any false notions of pride. Shit featured on Regretsy sells (and I’d assume that Alchemy requests featured on Regretsy get filled at a similar rate). To me, that’s a lot better than sitting on a bunch of unmoved pieces (or unfulfilled Alchemy requests) because you’re too good to interact with such rabble as us. I wish more Etsy members would get over themselves already.
November 24, 2010 at 6:04 pm
“I hereby blah blah blah want to sound like an important douche, cause I know this request is weak sauce.”
Whoops.