Say it With Tits (NSFW)
Taking your top off for no reason is the new duckface.
Nothing motivates me more to buy an unflattering pair of pants than a picture of some girl in dingy bra standing in a field.
Oh of course! I thought it meant “idiot with paint on her face wearing the same shitty bra as the girl in the field”, but my Mapudungun is a little rusty.
Here’s a great idea: put on your grandma’s panties and go take a picture in the woods with your tits hanging out. If you don’t sell the necklace, you can send the picture to your parents and see if they’ll pay a ransom.
When people are in the market for furniture, they like to see tits. Preferably more than one set. And they like to see suggestive BDSM imagery with lingerie and paddles. And maybe a little girl on girl action. I tried telling them that at Pottery Barn, but they asked me to leave.
November 16, 2010 at 10:12 am
I’m so jaded my first thought was, “it’s illegal to take a seal carcass off a California beach”.
November 16, 2010 at 10:13 am
Chair ? Really ? I thought they were selling the spank… :S
November 16, 2010 at 10:15 am
Wow. I was thinking somewhat nasty camel toe, but I think it is just a very bad tuck job. And either boobs or no boobs. Sagging nipple bags not so much.
November 16, 2010 at 10:15 am
If those High White Pants can, indeed, be worn as a whole bodysuit, I wish she’d give them to that poor crackwhore that just loosed herself from being handcuffed to that tree. She could at least pull them up enough to cover the tire tracks leaving evidence on her abdomen.
November 16, 2010 at 10:16 am
The seal vertebrae one didn’t have any tits.
April 14, 2012 at 12:59 am
and she/he looks like he/she is nodding out….
November 16, 2010 at 10:19 am
yeah…those tits aren’t working…
November 16, 2010 at 10:19 am
LOOK HOW INDIVIDUAL AND UNIQUE ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE
November 16, 2010 at 10:19 am
@Catish-if they are, model #2 has to get a bit more animated. No one is going to want to buy your paddle if you stand there looking like you took too much Ambien.
November 16, 2010 at 10:22 am
the last one is especially disturbing. i don’t think anyone is noticing the chair…
November 16, 2010 at 10:29 am
Hey, sex sells. I don’t see anything sexy here but it sells.
Mapudungun-just throw your beloved into the pit with a seal skull & let the juices flow.
November 16, 2010 at 10:30 am
So THIS is what everybody means when they say “Work on your photos!” in the forums… Anybody know a cracked out naked person I could borrow to model some children’s items?
I have some free time around 7:30. – HK
November 16, 2010 at 10:31 am
@Knitten-Kitten-your ambien comment had me lmao!
November 16, 2010 at 10:31 am
Somewhere here there is a Twilight reference, I can just feel it, werewolf, vampire, something…except for the last one, thats from Ikea’s new catalog I think.
November 16, 2010 at 10:33 am
The J-5 throat trinket one… did it get runover by a bicycle? what is on its stomach? I feel like it should be holding a cigarette in one of its hands. (I wasn’t sure of the sex of this androgynous creature.)
November 16, 2010 at 10:34 am
Thanks Hamoza! I was going to say quaaludes but I don’t think they make them anymore.
November 16, 2010 at 10:34 am
Huh? If that cowl is keeping her warm on a winter day, I’ll have to get one and stop wasting money on pants.
November 16, 2010 at 10:36 am
Photographers: don’t let random sexy cheap lingerie wearing paddle people just mess up your product photos. Shoo away the riff-raff before you get to work.
November 16, 2010 at 10:38 am
In the Hello Kitty thingy, it appears that girlfriend in the black bra is getting ready to deliver a well placed whack -a little lobotomy /decapitation anyone?
November 16, 2010 at 10:39 am
i’d like to address this 1 x 1…
1st up – leggings are $9.98 at wal-mart. in fact, you could get the unwashed bra, some decorative hay, AND the leggings for less than $25.00. so spare me the artistic ambiance
2nd off – the model maybe allergic to wool, since some strange rash has broken out on her forehead.
3rd off – what alley did you pull this beauty queen out of? and why did you dump her in the woods? her stomach looks like she’s been run over by a 10-speed…what the hell IS that? seal carcass? where? i was too busy looking for track marks.
and lastly, what chair?
people make me tired, sometimes.
November 16, 2010 at 10:39 am
The only way you’d ever get me to stand in a field in that first get-up, is if my house was on fire. And even then I’d have to think about it. And it would have to be during the middle of the night or a heavy fog.
November 16, 2010 at 10:46 am
Honestly, I have to give the first model props for managing to wear those pants without creating a camel toe that would render her bra a mere afterthought.
November 16, 2010 at 10:53 am
I blame American Apparel for all of this. ALL OF IT!!!
November 16, 2010 at 11:07 am
#3 may be auditioning as a fresh corpse on “The Walking Dead”.
November 16, 2010 at 11:12 am
rule # 1 in marketing: don’t upstage your product
‘cos what it LOOKS like you’re selling is illegal everywhere but Nevada
and even there it’s probably not a good idea to look so…well…drug addled
November 16, 2010 at 11:15 am
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November 16, 2010 at 11:17 am
@Nitebyrd-this post is scary enough without bringing zombies into it.
November 16, 2010 at 11:22 am
…and i doubt very much that seller/flasher # 2 is a native Mapudungun speaker.
(things are pretty bleak when a heterosexual male can look at a collection of topless female imagery and come away with that!)
November 16, 2010 at 11:22 am
If I’m going to spend $50 on a vinyl chair, I really hope that it comes with a complimentary package of Clorox wipes. Lord only knows what those people have done to that poor chair.
November 16, 2010 at 11:26 am
Hello Kitty Inspired Chair is such a cliche. Brunettes are always portrayed as the villains, while the blondes always get to wear the pasties.
November 16, 2010 at 11:28 am
number 3 scares me. and i made the mistake of looking through the shop. hairy armpits… scarification… meth face… *shudders*
November 16, 2010 at 11:36 am
Model #3 looks like she’s got run over by a mountain bike and got a couple flats.
November 16, 2010 at 11:42 am
Why are we looking for the new duckface? I’d like to know what is wrong with the ol……..
send help immediately! I almost finished writing that sentence!
November 16, 2010 at 11:45 am
First of all the girl in the first picture needs to eat a pizza – her bones are poking out. Secondly, I thought the picture in the woods was a boy – really I thought those were skinny boy nipples. And last but not least what in the hell is wrong with people???
November 16, 2010 at 11:57 am
My boobs are bigger than all of those boobs combined.
Do you think if I posed topless with my dolls, it would bring me more sales?
November 16, 2010 at 12:15 pm
OMG…little boy, are you hurt??? Oh, you’re a girl? Are you sure? Well are you hurt? No? Because it looks like you got run over by a mountain bike. Twice. Hmmm. Well, this is still pretty creepy so I think I’m going to call the cops just to be safe. Oh, you’re selling something? Seal vertebrae necklaces? Seriously? NO, I don’t want on, thanks, I have like, 5 at home.
November 16, 2010 at 12:15 pm
There’s a thin line between artistic and crap….they’ve crossed WAY WAY beyond it.
November 16, 2010 at 12:20 pm
I agree…the boy in the third pic looks kinda mad he has to wear seal bones…they throw off the dirt bike tire scars.
November 16, 2010 at 12:22 pm
#3 looks like she’s desperately trying to remember where she is and how she got there after her three day tequila and cough syrup bender.
November 16, 2010 at 12:24 pm
Did anyone else miss the word “seal” and think that “corpse” was referring to the dead human in the photo?
November 16, 2010 at 12:40 pm
#1 – A photo of the notorious “Nebraska Bra Bandit,” moments after the police finally caught up with her.
November 16, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Just went to check out #3′s shop. She has a T-shirt for sale that she describes thusly: “collide a scope of color and pattern. Looks amazing on Acid.” Someone please get the hipsters a dictionary. Please?
November 16, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Here’s how blase’ Regretsy has made me; my first thought with the last one was “Hey, there’s no hearts on the back of the chair, as described.”
November 16, 2010 at 12:55 pm
After looking at #3′s (sold) “seal” skull, I’m willing to bet a neighbor is missing a medium-sized dog.
November 16, 2010 at 1:19 pm
I would buy a photo of the hello kitty flogger and women on chair – it would go nicely with the photo of the Ikea chalk.
I could not for the life of me figure out what they were trying to sell in the Hello kitty photo. Even after reading the description.
November 16, 2010 at 1:43 pm
They’re selling a Hello Kitty CHAIR? I was hoping it was a set of pasties to go with my unicorn ones…
November 16, 2010 at 1:52 pm
Bahhhhhhh!
A promise of boobies and tits, and all I get for my trouble is inedible sad bags.
November 16, 2010 at 2:04 pm
There is such a laundry list of issues with number 3 I am stunned any of you are taking time to point out her petite frame. Her boobies are what nature gave her, what about everything that’s HER fault?
November 16, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Helen, that’s probably the best possibly thing to make me go to Pottery Barn…
November 16, 2010 at 2:30 pm
#47-Such as what looks like a swollen temple/jawbone area and the cracked-out look on her face? Betcha her pimp took that picture.
November 16, 2010 at 2:41 pm
God, #3 looks like an abuse victim. Swollen-mostly-shut eyes and a waffle grill burn (?) on her abdomen. This definitely does not inspire me to buy a spray-painted seal vertebra.
November 16, 2010 at 2:50 pm
for the white pants how much do you want to bet, that if you stain them in the right place you could sell it for more
November 16, 2010 at 3:04 pm
Wow, now women can have manboobs. What an age we live in!
November 16, 2010 at 3:14 pm
The girl in photo number three should be wearing a bra . . . for the bags around her eyes. Bust size: 32A, Eye size: 18C.
November 16, 2010 at 3:17 pm
Man. Can you imagine how much camel-toe you would have if you tried to actually wear leggings as a body suit?
And I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who had no clue what gender that seal bone creature is. I had to stare at her crotch, looking for a bulge, for an awkwardly long time before deciding it was a woman. Maybe.
November 16, 2010 at 3:20 pm
By the way, kids, the tread marks on her belly are African style scarification marks.
You can see a close-up of them on another of her items, but be warned, there are more tits (and this time she is squeezing them together with her arms):http://www.etsy.com/listing/55099009/golden-bone-collar-pendant
November 16, 2010 at 4:09 pm
I see no hearts on that chair. Was ‘hearts on the backside’ meant to refer to one of the models instead?
Also, [insert 'hearts on'/'hard on' pun here].
November 16, 2010 at 4:09 pm
So bonehead deprived some sea creature, seagull or vulture a good meal to make this crappy ‘jewelry’?
November 16, 2010 at 4:33 pm
The smallness of the breasts on #3 doesn’t bother me in the least. The fact the bags under her eyes are bigger than her breasts gives me the heebie-jeebies, however.
November 16, 2010 at 4:36 pm
I’m tempted to buy the seal bone jewelry but only if they spend the profits on a sandwich and some prozac for the model.
November 16, 2010 at 4:40 pm
the half comatose model with the bags under the eyes and the fish corpse needs:
A burger
A good nights sleep
and to get over her own pretensiousness
November 16, 2010 at 4:40 pm
I know there is so much wrong with these pictures, but… throat trinket??
November 16, 2010 at 4:42 pm
*peers at picture number 2*
Is it wrong that I’m more disturbed someone selling the item the allegedly made can’t tell knitting from crochet? Cause that is fucking crocheted.
November 16, 2010 at 4:44 pm
Those high waist pants look like my thermals. I hope that doesn’t make me a hipster because those things are warm.
November 16, 2010 at 4:52 pm
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November 16, 2010 at 5:05 pm
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November 16, 2010 at 5:11 pm
Meth, it’s a hell of a drug……..
November 16, 2010 at 5:20 pm
The people who think nudity should be allowed on the front page have obviously never seen picture #3.
November 16, 2010 at 5:23 pm
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November 16, 2010 at 5:29 pm
Thank you, thank you, Regretsy and HK. I’ve had the Cold From Hell for almost a week, I need to wash my hair, and this is the first day I’ve made it out of my pajamas in days.
But next to Pic #3, I feel beautiful.
(Sigh, tears, Miss America style wave to everyone)Thank you so much.
November 16, 2010 at 6:10 pm
Screw the Hello Kitty chair! The pasties in #4 would be the score! Depending on your age, you can use your hot pink pastied breast to scrub a pan or the Hello Kitty litter box. Wonder if they’d throw in the Hello Kitty litter scooper spanker too?
November 16, 2010 at 6:29 pm
Scowl
Cowl
Goodbye Titty
Hello Kitty
November 16, 2010 at 6:39 pm
#1 “perfect for all occasions?” okay. I’m buying these for my daughter’s red party.
#2 It’s crochet, dumbass.
#3 I can only hope that this acid-tripping-meth-addled-heroin-junkie crackhead watched the safe sex video with B.P. and sitch and will never, ever reproduce.
#4 I want those pasties. Do they come with underwire support?
November 16, 2010 at 7:26 pm
Some Thoughts:
The ‘white pants’ #1 is wearing look suspiciously like the ‘long-line panties’ they sell in the lingere section of women’s catalogs that help ‘smooth your silhouette and reduce tummy bulge” Just sayin’…
I’m still not convinced #3 is a woman/girl. A pre-op MtF who’s just gone on hormones, maybe?
As for #4-Stop trying to imitate Irvin Klaw photos. Bette Page could pull it off because she had class. You don’t.
Plus, she would’ve never in a million years worn those godawful pasties.
November 16, 2010 at 7:45 pm
I must have skimmed the third one and didn’t catch the word “seal” first time around.
I was certain that this was the corpse before cleaning and processing.
November 16, 2010 at 8:17 pm
And if it’s supposed to be a Hello Kitty-inspired chair, shouldn’t it have a bow sitting jauntily on the back? I’d prefer the bow sitting atop a silkscreened HUAC pic, though.
November 16, 2010 at 9:14 pm
from the scarification-looks-like-tracks shop:
“One of a kind, one size fits ALL collide a scope of color and pattern.
Looks amazing on Acid.”
COLLIDE A SCOPE… looks great on acid. hmm…. that is not all…
November 16, 2010 at 10:20 pm
first – the pink chair – my first thought was ew! I do NOT want a chair that has been subjected to whatever it is you’re going to do to it to get the pic.
second – the seal corpse girl – is she wearing…a maxi pad? No…maybe…I think she is??
I hate myself for even looking.
November 16, 2010 at 10:21 pm
two questions about three people.
what i really wanna know is:
1/ why are those first two girls wearing completely unnecessary underwires?
i mean, if you dont gotta mildly suffer why put yrself thru it?
2 / the one w/ the seal carcass i thought was a boy until i read the caption.
why is she wearing a golden plumber’s pipe fitting around her neck, glazed & compounded w/ rotting seal bone?
{ that was actually originally a statement but since i am too filled up w/ the blasé version of retro-terminal ennui to mention the chair, as a question it will have to do }.
November 17, 2010 at 2:06 am
I want the Hello Kitty spank-paddle. That is all.
November 17, 2010 at 3:19 am
All these “I wanna be indie and edgy” stuff takes away my faith in and my liking of the crafty world.
I am somehow disgusted :/
November 17, 2010 at 3:36 am
I thought I posted a comment here but can’t see it…
So forgive me is this is a double…
Anyway…
I wish I could translate for you from my language (which is not Mapudungun) the concept of “indie bimbiminkia”, the pics fit it perfectly.
Trying too hard, anyone?
November 17, 2010 at 4:03 am
C’mon, at least #3 has some consistency to her marketing photos… #4 clearly should be crediting another photographer on that shoot, without help I dare say this chair would never have made it to regretsy at all: http://www.etsy.com/listing/49025177/hello-kitty-inspired-chair – see image number 2, flip-flops et al.
November 17, 2010 at 5:55 am
#3 girl at first glance looks as if she has a garden spigot coming out of her chest. And I think it looks as if it has been dripping for a while.
November 17, 2010 at 7:33 am
@ themiki – A dictionary would make a lovely addition to the thesaurus that she has. Maybe because I’m thick, but after browsing her shop I had no idea there were so many ways to say “necklace”. (My favourite was “jugular cumpanion”)
November 17, 2010 at 7:50 am
From another one of the vertabra necklaces:
“Dragon Fly is a assemblage of bone and found antique jewelry.
The balls nestle so swell against the nooks in the vertebrae like ovaries.”
If you buy them all and assemble the spine, does it become an oracle that will tell you horrible thing happened in this woman’s childhood?
Incidentally, her scarring reminds me of candy buttons. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candy_Buttons
November 17, 2010 at 8:40 am
“Hey guys ! They’re over here !”
(Waves to direct the rest of the search team to the foundlings)
“We thought we’d lost ya ! The whole village is out looking for you !”
November 17, 2010 at 9:17 am
I wonder if the pants in photo #1 come in turtleneck.
November 17, 2010 at 9:49 am
Anyone see the handcuffs & chains attached to this sofa? http://www.etsy.com/listing/48977203/hello-kitty-inspired-sofa?ref=v1_other_2
November 17, 2010 at 9:58 am
I’m never going to get the image of #3 out of my head. Add some fake blood and I’d swear it was a crime-scene photo.
Sellers take note: Don’t use a model who looks as though she barfed in her own lap 1.5 seconds after you took the picture.
November 17, 2010 at 10:36 am
I love the fact that somewhere there is a kid searching on Etsy for Hello Kitty shit and they are going to get that picture burned into their brain forever!
I do not envy the parents of that child trying to explain what the fuck is going on in that picture!
November 17, 2010 at 8:40 pm
I didn’t know “saggy human cadaver” was spelled “seal corpse” damn spellchecker
November 17, 2010 at 10:09 pm
I’m an A&P student and was so excited that I recognized the seal vertebrae that it took a minute to register that one should never WEAR vertebrae as a necklace…especially vertebrae you found on a figgin dead animal washed up on the beach…
November 17, 2010 at 10:25 pm
I, too, would like to purchase the Hello Kitty paddle. Now I’m going to have to go on a perilous internet search for one. Gods only know what typing in ‘Hello Kitty’ and ‘paddle’ are going to get me.
November 18, 2010 at 10:55 am
Silly HK. That last photo clearly belongs in Pottery Barn Kids.
November 18, 2010 at 11:13 am
Regardless of the freak show selling it; buy #3 and you’ll be paying $25K to the feds if you get caught wearing it. It is against the law to own, buy or sell marine mammal parts without a permit.
November 18, 2010 at 3:34 pm
Ohmygawd… I went to corpse girl’s shop… Sadly, this piece of neck wear has sold, but she’s naked in every. single. picture… except the ones where she’s trying to sell collide a scope shirts, and even then she’s bra-less – helllooooo, pasties! I’m sure the unicorn pasties chick will gladly give you some!
And just as a side note – maybe you should get a new pimp, the squinty, just been backhanded, “do I have coke ring on my nostril” look isn’t doing you any justice.
November 18, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Yeah, blond, white girls really cannot pull off that scarification thing. At least she put it somewhere relatively discreet so she might still get a normal job 5 or 10 years from now when she gets some nutrition in her and comes to her senses.
November 18, 2010 at 5:52 pm
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November 19, 2010 at 2:32 pm
It is refreshing not to see a cowl with two big ol’ eyeballs in over sized glasses poking up from it, don’t you think?
November 20, 2010 at 3:17 pm
“Two vintage beads”…and they are hanging out for us all to see.
November 20, 2010 at 4:39 pm
The first model is great! I’d go so far as to say that she’s out standing in her field.
November 24, 2010 at 12:24 am
My Mormon roommate and I, in all seriousness, believe that in the 3rd photo, that woman is wearing Garments, which are sacred Mormon underwear. But that photo is not very sacred or Mormon…
November 26, 2010 at 2:27 pm
Someone in this universe… really needs to properly define the word “Pants.”
February 22, 2011 at 6:15 pm
At first I thought the third pic was a picture of a seal corpse. No wait, it is.