Why do I have the sneaky suspicion that this request is for Andy Dick so he can pick up young, stupid girls?
“Hi, I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. Why don’t you have a seat over there…”
In an interview with “People Magazine”, the Jonas Brothers revealed that they would prefer dating girls who don’t care about money. Sounds like even the Jonas Brothers realize this is gonna be a short ride.
JOE PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN
I don’t even know where to start – Full body suit? For a man or a woman to wear as Joe Jonas? No latex, extremely thin, realistic, washable and ONLY $150.00? I would love to see how someone other than a professional movie prosthetics designer comes up with this one at the stated price?
The weirdest part of that is that he thinks he’s going to get someone to make him a super-realistic skin suit for $150.
Allergic to latex, eh? OK people, get out your knitting needles (or crochet hooks, of course).
you know mamma always said, you can’t judge a jonas until you’ve walked around in his skin for a while…
Is he offering someone $150 to kill Joe Jonas and make a skin suit out of him? That’s what it sounds like.
And no latex? What am I supposed to make it out of? Unicorn hair and mithril? That’s gonna cost you more than $150, my friend.
I am not a better person for having read this.
I WOULD sell him my Joe Jonas suit, but it’s made out of latex.
Below the neck, what exactly would distinguish this from any other body suit? A freckle on a testicle?
I just threw up in my mouth.
“suit for intimate play”; “reinforced openings in the front and rear”
I’m not sure Joe Jonas would approve of you dressing up as him and then taking it in the backdoor. What about the purity pact?
also how are we supposed to know what Joe Jonas looks like naked? Why wouldn’t a mask work for this? So many questions with no reasonable answers, my head hurts.
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Why do I get the feeling the reinforced openings are for Joe Jonas cosplay?
Okay, this is not something you post to Alchemy. This is something you find a friend of a friend of a friend to do.
I’ve got a serious case of the creeps.
I share a zipcode with this person
Well, if it would hug my body like a Spanks and give me the firmness of my youth, I wouldn’t mind such a suit. But not to look like Joe Jonas. Joe Cocker, maybe …
Reinforced openings? What the fuck will you be doing?
Uh… strike that.
and strike that, too.
At least it’s not a request for a Kevin Jonas suit. That would be even worse.
#2 cecikierk- YES. That should SO win COTD.
Now an opening in the front- does this include a hole to leave the crotch totally exposed, or would they want the seller to try and replicate Joe Jonas’ penis, thus forcing the wearing to actually PEE through Joe Jonas’ hole? I am way overthinking this.
#17 Josh the reinforced opening is for his Bonus Jonas.
I’m picturing a full body version of one of Killer’s baclavas. The one with the stitced smile is a dead ringer for La Jonas
ewwww. All I can think of is Silence of the Lambs
There are days when I’m grateful simply for feeling like I’m a whole(albeit boring)person.
#12 hamosa. YES been there saw that…
Sure @ Stretch, I know you get around.
Was he a true redhead?
This is why I stopped leaving my house.
You know how when people don’t want to hear something they stick their fingers in their ears and say “la, la, la, la”?
Well, after reading this request I wish there was a visual equivalent of that.
I’m so glad they specified that the suit must be washable. And I have to think that a Pikachu butt plug would make a dandy accessory.
I’m just guessing that the washable rear opening is going to see alot more action than the front one o.O
(Jo Bros. make his giny tingle)
This post confused me, because i thought it was perhaps based on something the guy had seen in reality. So i got googling, and this is the closest i could find: http://www.femskin.com/indexFemSkinIII.htm (note price, and well….umm… general aesthetics)
I haven’t seen Silence of the Lambs. But I did see Men In Black. *shudder*
I have heard of Disney Character cosplay. I would get this to go with an Annette Funicello costume.
I have a Joe Jonas fat suit – will that do?
I have a Joe Lieberman suit – will that do?
I have a Josie and the Pussycats personal massage wand with sparkle cylinder – will that do?
I have a Michael Landon body suit made of paraffin-impregnated salmon skin that can be repurposed into a flotation device and possibly also Joe Jonas, or anyway Joe Jonas as a flotation device – will that do?
Somewhere in this person’s desk drawer is a restraining order.
You had me at “reinforced front and rear.”
..Can we bring the pikachu buttplugs back, please?
#28 sugartits – LOL for the giny tingle. I imagine Mr. Mouse will demand that a purity ring be included with the costume.
A listing that has left me speechless.
Mark this day on the calendar- Patty has been left speechless!
(except for that…
I’m POSITIVE that old Ed Gein of Plainfield would have been just the craftsman to have fashioned this garment, but the bounty on the bodies likely would have run a tad over $150.
A big thumbs up for working Ed Gein into the conversation!
How about a suit made of bacon? That’s latex-free.
“No hair is necessary as I already have had a custom wig made.”
What about a custom-made Joe Jonas merkin so when you’re all lubed up in Jonas juice you can get the full-on hairy hard-on effect? The one where you’re singing along to their music in half-lidded ecstasy violating yourself into Joe Jo ju-ju jubilation. Where the only sound you can hear over the 120 bleeding-ear-decibels of Camp Rock 3 blaring through your authentic Pedobear speakers is your own muffled voice crying for your unloving father inside your zip-up-the-back latex-free head mask (praying that as you rub yourself down in baby oil that you don’t, once again, accidentally put your hand under that custom wig to feel the zipper-pull of the Joe-suit before you feel the full-body shudder of NAMBLA-approved Joe-Jo joy, because the last time that happened the spell was broken and the love was more fizzle than jizzle and you tore the suit up in an impotent rage which is why you need yet another suit made).
@Bills, you should get at least $ 150.00 for that.
@40, the bacon suit?
I’m starting to worry that one day soon, when I tell people I have a store on Etsy, that they’ll look at me the way I look at the people who live in the (rumored) swingers housing development across town.
Thirty years from now, a skintight/reinforced-holes/realistic celebrity bodysuit is going to seem quaint and old-fashioned.
Also, this: http://www.theonion.com/video/justin-bieber-found-to-be-cleverly-disguised-51yea,18178/
A NICK Jonas suit, I could get excited about. Joe Jonas…not so much.
“The suit needs to be thin as I will want to wear clothes over it from time to time.”
Not all the time. Not even half the time. Most of the time, he’ll be going around in his Joe Jo birthday suit with his Joe Jo Johnson swinging free.
Extremely realistic is much more expensive than $150.
Would the requestor like a time machine for $300? Maybe throw in a vampire immortality spell for another $100?
BRB; adding to my list of all the creepy, freakish fetishes of which I’d have remained in blissful unawareness if it weren’t for the goddamn internet.
I don’t think this is a guy. I don’t think the request is even coming from a human. I think it’s an alien. They got the idea from Men In Black:
Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Joe Jonas suit. That sound like fun?
Bills KUDOS on the Joe Jonas fan fiction – so realistic its just like…
move over JOHN MALCOVITCH – this is BEING JOE JONAS
#29 Buzzkill, totally off topic but you should watch Silence of the Lambs. I didn’t watch it for years because I thought it was really gory. Turns out I’ve seen worse on “Bones”.
@46, start with this age-old caution “Get enough crazy people in a room together, and they’ll soon forget they’re crazy.”
Then think of the Internet as one big room.
I think someone needs to get a big virtual broom and sweep the cobwebs out of the corners of the Internet.
How about Joe Jonas as a nun? That would be worth at least $800.
@48, Count, fuck fuck fuck, I’m not trying to write fan fiction. Did I write Jonas Brothers fan fiction? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…
This listing has made me question my own sanity. People, can’t you see that *this* is the future? JoBros bodysuits, Pikachu buttplugs and crotcheted vagoos… We are obsolete. We no longer belong. We must simply give ourselves in to the Nothing.
@53, Purple Peacock, I’ll up you that and go one further:
Alchemy Request: Painting of Charles Bronson fighting all three Jonas Brothers sewn together as a human centipede with a Pikachu butt-plug tail in the last brother (order of brothers not important) while a T-Rex masturbates to a passing UFO.
(Well, maybe that was a bit more than “one further”.)
I’m going to need some extra Melatonin to get to sleep tonight.
Old Man Farnsworth the groundskeeper is really going all out on the disguise for his latest Scooby Doo crime.
I have a feeling that one day I will turn on CSI or Criminal Minds and see a story based on one of these damn alchemy requests.
And this request is why I hope I’m never in the dating scene again. “Hey baby, wanna come back to my place and do the nasty while listening to teeny bopper music?”
@55 Rob, that’s great! He’d have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky kids!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not anything like a super-Christian.
Even so, I’ve read enough of these types of things to make me think that, if this were the Old Testament, it would be the point where God would be winding up to put a whammy on the world. Probably deciding how he was going to trash it this time.
If it’s not a costume, what is it?
… like a leotard with nipples …
#58 – Kinda makes you wonder what all those guys outside Lot’s house in Nineva were wearing. . . . .
For $150, I’ll do it. Hand me the sharpies and strip’m off.
I could make a profit on this one:
I love you guys, and I want to come up with a completely hilarious “low ball” joke, but I think my blood sugar is too low. Ball. *sigh*
I wonder how big he wants those reinforced holes. You realy should be as specific as possible when it comes to non-costume openings. Some joker could put those holes anywhere. Hilarity could ensue. This guy’s just not using his head.
Did anyone see in very small print where the guy wrote, “It rubs the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again!” Yikes.
@61 I think you mean Sodom…their costumes had reinforced openings in the rear also.
#54, love it, except Charles Bronson must be a centaur with someone’s wife mounted on him. And don’t forget the glitter.
At Saturday’s Rally to Restore Sanity, there was a fellow who had a sign that read, “Repeal Rule 34″.
THIS SORT OF THING IS WHY.
True story: Annette Funicello is my grandfather’s goddaughter.
He could buy the vampire immortality spell on Ebay for under $50. Hell, $25 if he wasn’t too picky about the seller’s rating.
Whimsicle #45, you have something against swingers? I think I’d look at an Etsy seller with a much stranger expression than a swinger at this point.
Also yeah, Silence of the Lambs is not gory. Creepy, but not gory.
That’s odd. Why is Joe Jonas driving a 1986 white Econoline van with the windows tinted?
#74 Badger–seems like you started a run on vampire immortality spells on ebay. Only one available, and for $149–but with free shipping!
Where were we again?
I’d like an Ed Asner body suit. Made of nitrile. Blue nitrile.
Does anyone else feel the really, really urgent need to know whether this buyer is male, female, or male with his junk tucked in while he applies lipstick and “Goodbye Horses” plays?
No, seriously. I want to know if this buyer is a girl or a guy. It wouldn’t change the level of creepy, but it would change the *kind* of creepy.
@ 67 dscokween: you forgot about the reinforced holes. Wouldn’t want this alchemy-requester to be dissapointed with their Joe Jonas realistic non-latex body suit, would you?
I just heard my insides scream…
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