Dear, Helen Killer

Even your name is an affront to the plight of the disabled American. Helen Keller overcame insurmountable odds and showed us that we too can do anything we want–it all starts with a simple “WAH”. You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself for spreading hate, even if it’s out of humor. The R-word, which I will not spell out because I, unlike you, have class and sohpistication, belittles special-needs victims and disadvantaged Americans. The book you are holding in your picture represents what was wrong with society (and what is still wrong with it): ignorance and a lack of compassion and understanding of the special-needs sector. You would do better to recyle the book and your outdated use of the repugnant r-word.

I write this out of love…not only for those of us who are different and special in our own way, but for you too. My advice is to see life through the eyes of a disbaled American and reevaluate your views. Maybe post something inspirational now and then, like a story of triumph in the disabled community. Lastly, I advise you to change your name–Helen Killer is a reprehensible jab at the most incredible, sophisticated disabled American in the world.

With love and understading,
Benjamin G.

It all starts with a simple “WAH!”

UPDATE: Ben is a gorgeous, perfect troll. We’ve been had. I am overcome with admiration and hot-tard love.

I’ve been in the process of moving for quite a few weeks now, and in the process, a lot of things have been neglected. Like my fiance, for example, who has been eating Hot pockets since August.

We’ve also forgotten to go to our post office box for at least a month. So you can imagine the treasures that spilled forth when we finally broke in to that larder yesterday. Woolen balaclavas, paintings of penises dressed as Elvis Presley, edible things I wouldn’t dare eat and of course the book I’m holding in this picture, Crafts for Retarded.

This is an actual instructional book from 1964, which came to my attention a few months ago when someone sent me a photo of the dust jacket. Clearly I had to have it, for reasons I shouldn’t have to explain to you.

I found a copy on Amazon and ordered it, and forgot all about it until yesterday, when I saw it in my post office box. I’ve been scanning it hungrily through the slits in my woolen mask, and I have to say, it’s a stunner.

I counted at least 16 projects in this book that are Etsy staples, like this horse shit you people are so fond of. And I have to tell you, if you can find your particular specialty in a handbook of crafts for the retarded, you might want to rethink your inventory.

That being said, some of the projects in this book are incredibly difficult, requiring math and complex measurements. But maybe this is how we dealt with the disabled back then; we frustrated them until they got sleepy.

So let’s see if you can do any better.

I’m going to post a project from this book at 6:00 PM PDT. You submit photos of your finished projects by midnight tonight. Tomorrow I’ll post the winners (and I use that word loosely), and the top three will get fantastic prizes courtesy of some of my favorite Etsy sellers.

If you prefer not to craft, you can enter the other part of this competition, which is the hate mail I invariably get simply by using the word “retarded” in any context. So if you’d rather just send in your reflexive, indignant butthurt, I’ll post my favorites and then everyone can play.

See you at 6:00!