Calling all Craftards
I’ve been in the process of moving for quite a few weeks now, and in the process, a lot of things have been neglected. Like my fiance, for example, who has been eating Hot pockets since August.
We’ve also forgotten to go to our post office box for at least a month. So you can imagine the treasures that spilled forth when we finally broke in to that larder yesterday. Woolen balaclavas, paintings of penises dressed as Elvis Presley, edible things I wouldn’t dare eat and of course the book I’m holding in this picture, Crafts for Retarded.
This is an actual instructional book from 1964, which came to my attention a few months ago when someone sent me a photo of the dust jacket. Clearly I had to have it, for reasons I shouldn’t have to explain to you.
I found a copy on Amazon and ordered it, and forgot all about it until yesterday, when I saw it in my post office box. I’ve been scanning it hungrily through the slits in my woolen mask, and I have to say, it’s a stunner.
I counted at least 16 projects in this book that are Etsy staples, like this horse shit you people are so fond of. And I have to tell you, if you can find your particular specialty in a handbook of crafts for the retarded, you might want to rethink your inventory.
That being said, some of the projects in this book are incredibly difficult, requiring math and complex measurements. But maybe this is how we dealt with the disabled back then; we frustrated them until they got sleepy.
So let’s see if you can do any better.
I’m going to post a project from this book at 6:00 PM PDT. You submit photos of your finished projects by midnight tonight. Tomorrow I’ll post the winners (and I use that word loosely), and the top three will get fantastic prizes courtesy of some of my favorite Etsy sellers.
If you prefer not to craft, you can enter the other part of this competition, which is the hate mail I invariably get simply by using the word “retarded” in any context. So if you’d rather just send in your reflexive, indignant butthurt, I’ll post my favorites and then everyone can play.
See you at 6:00!
October 1, 2010 at 3:04 pm
You act like Hot Pockets are a bad thing?
October 1, 2010 at 3:05 pm
OOOOOOOOOO, this makes me tingle all over!
October 1, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Whimsicle fuckery ensues!!!
October 1, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Finally! I’m at home for one of these contests for a change! Time to break out the safety scissors and construction paper!
October 1, 2010 at 3:08 pm
It’s West Coast favoritism is what it is! I’ll start brewing the java.. maybe take a nap.
October 1, 2010 at 3:08 pm
hahahahah, I MAKE THAT HORSE SHIT
October 1, 2010 at 3:09 pm
We officially moved September 1st. My husband finally had his first home cooked meal 3 days ago (and i LOVELOVELOVE to cook).
I feel your retarded pain.
October 1, 2010 at 3:13 pm
Speaking for myself and many others.. Cap screen this Shit as I will be in bed RETARDS! (on my phone if this sux)
October 1, 2010 at 3:15 pm
Screen cap that Shit as the East Coast will be out
October 1, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Oh this is so f-ing retarded.
I can’t wait to play!
Wooooohooooooooo!
October 1, 2010 at 3:19 pm
Why yes I am Retarded why do you ask?
October 1, 2010 at 3:21 pm
man, i wish i didn’t have a life so i could participate.
October 1, 2010 at 3:23 pm
I’m assuming you don’t have to be retarded to participate but maybe it will be a PLUS!!!
October 1, 2010 at 3:25 pm
Killer’s balaclava looks like it comes with hair plugs. She’s not just the founder – she’s a member
October 1, 2010 at 3:25 pm
I used to teach adolescents with developmental disabilities, aka the retarded, but that was back when I was “patient” and “special”. Teaching special ed. just wasn’t fulfilling enough and now I’m living the dream as a business analyst for claims processing software.
However, I still describe someone engaging in a lethally stupid action as a “one-way ticket to Dawn’s class”.
So bring it! If I can stay awake I’m in.
October 1, 2010 at 3:30 pm
Those record bowls always make me cringe–I’d be willing to pay several dollars more for some of those records as they were before the seller went and made them unplayable. And maybe some of them were scratched and already crapped up, but I bet a lot of them get dug out of mom and dad’s storage and melted into that fuckery without anyone even checking to see if they’re still good.
October 1, 2010 at 3:38 pm
Yes, yes, yes. Granted that I have materials, I’m gonna be craftin it up tonight!
And maybe butthurting… just a little.
October 1, 2010 at 3:38 pm
I’m not crafty in the least and even though I do spin a good outraged letter, I have far too much love bursting forth from my body to ever point my outrage toward you, Regretsy Lady.
October 1, 2010 at 3:40 pm
OMG this is fucking retarded! I can’t wait to see the project!
October 1, 2010 at 3:40 pm
I’m already starting with this pre-game cocktail. BRING IT ON.
October 1, 2010 at 3:44 pm
Funny, I heard that Bronc IS a hot pocket.
Cock & tail all around, chin-chin.
October 1, 2010 at 3:53 pm
hee hee!! i made one of those LP bowls as a forced craft at camp one year. i guess now i know where the counsellor got her ideas. . .
October 1, 2010 at 4:02 pm
thanks killer, for posting this on a friday night so i can feel good about participating and not oversleeping for work (i did that enough this week). i can’t wait to see the contest IDEAL and all of the entries!
October 1, 2010 at 4:15 pm
This is all well and good, but, where’s the goatse ring? Don’t you love us any more?
October 1, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Yes Helena! We DEMAND goatse for the retarded! The inequality must cease NOW! Widespread assholes MUST be shown to dimwits everywhere!
Also this contest does sound like it should be heavily pregamed.
October 1, 2010 at 4:25 pm
Considered quoting the lyrics from that Black Eyed Peas song, but decided I didn’t want my first post on this board to end with being thumbed-down into oblivion.
October 1, 2010 at 4:27 pm
I am so scared I won’t be able to do this.
October 1, 2010 at 4:41 pm
That is so past my bedtime, especially when I’m supposed to show up at a workshop bright and early tomorrow, and be expected to use really sharp tools. Damn! Maybe I’ll stay up… you never know.
October 1, 2010 at 4:52 pm
What a bad choice of time… I’m reading this in Germany an that’s a +9 hour difference… 3am – 9am D:
Well, I hope it’s worth the sleepless night
Bring it on! >:D
October 1, 2010 at 5:14 pm
#27 YES I can see it in your eyes!!
October 1, 2010 at 5:17 pm
Okay, I would like to knit a vagina-shaped Hot Pocket holder! (Words I never thought I’d string together in a sentence…)
October 1, 2010 at 6:02 pm
You’re late.
October 1, 2010 at 6:03 pm
Quivering with anticipation
signed up just to be part of this
anything for Regretsy
October 1, 2010 at 8:01 pm
I’ve gotten as far at the cone base….does this seem a lot harder than it needs to be for anyone else? Or do they not serve beer before art class???
October 1, 2010 at 8:15 pm
Lawls. Isn’t entrusting our “handies” to work the oven by themselves giving them a little too much responsibility? I would have thought every page in that book would be instructions for different party hats…or resin activities, like the one I do.