Here Comes the Glory
Getting Oral once a month in Tulsa would be a miracle.
- Submitted by Lisa, who will answer for this in the afterlife
UPDATE: Some of you think I Photoshopped this. No such luck. Click here to see this issue on the Oral Roberts web site.
September 28, 2010 at 4:33 pm
ummm that wording is just awful i do not want to be under ANY glory spout…..
September 28, 2010 at 4:38 pm
He’s learnin’ her good.
September 28, 2010 at 4:39 pm
Is the writer really so lost in their own world that they didn’t see that?
That photo is priceless with those words!
September 28, 2010 at 4:39 pm
Now that’s what I call a Freudian slip.
September 28, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Woo where’s the spout? Imma ready for some glory…
September 28, 2010 at 4:42 pm
my parents live in that shithole and im forced to go back every time my sister adds to her brood.
September 28, 2010 at 4:44 pm
The photo just makes it soooooo much worse.
September 28, 2010 at 4:45 pm
I see a revenue stream for glory spoutted eye shadow wood paintings comming from Oral
September 28, 2010 at 4:46 pm
the miracle is that in Tulsa they can detach your old wrinkled face and replace it with a fresher look.
Not sure why they went with this and didn’t use the ‘after’ photo in their marketing though…
September 28, 2010 at 4:48 pm
whorey glory
September 28, 2010 at 4:48 pm
I couldn’t even get a decent veggie burrito in Tulsa.
September 28, 2010 at 4:49 pm
Well, I know what a glory HOLE is, so I can assume what comes out of the glory spout.
I’d close my eyes, too, lady.
September 28, 2010 at 4:50 pm
In other news, Oral Roberts is still dead.
September 28, 2010 at 4:50 pm
I love random quotation marks.
September 28, 2010 at 4:50 pm
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September 28, 2010 at 4:52 pm
Oh geez. Are we doing unintentional sexual references in churches now? Because there’s enough material to keep you going for years.
September 28, 2010 at 4:55 pm
She’s ready to catch the holy spirit in her mouth.
September 28, 2010 at 4:57 pm
I have to believe they did it on purpose as an inside joke to themselves. Because really, how can you pick that picture for your cover and that copy for your layout and NOT think dirty things?
And by the way, who on Earth names their kid “Oral?” Really? Were you hoping he’d get his ass kicked in grade school or was that just an added bonus for you?
September 28, 2010 at 5:00 pm
Is that hand made or hand job?
September 28, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Finally, Oral does something to make me proud to be a Tulsan.
September 28, 2010 at 5:05 pm
Wowee. Nobody could photoshop something *this* good.
Get ready to receive the Holy Spooge. Rapture to follow soon after.
September 28, 2010 at 5:06 pm
Healing services?
Like Marvin Gaye style healing?
September 28, 2010 at 5:11 pm
OMG Oral, Healing, Glory…
September 28, 2010 at 5:13 pm
I hope this is a joke. I REALLY hope it’s a joke.
Then again, considering how the late Rev. Roberts wrote my Nanny and offered to pray for her in her time of bereavement after Papa died if she’d send him money, maybe I’m hoping for too much.
September 28, 2010 at 5:13 pm
So if someone spits the glory out, are they going straight to hell?
September 28, 2010 at 5:18 pm
Over the lips and past the gums, look out tummy, here it comes!
September 28, 2010 at 5:28 pm
At one point I had a list of bizarre shit that Oral did. One thing was sequestering himself and telling people that God told him he was going to die unless he got lots of donations before some deadline. I would have seen this as an opportunity to continue not giving him money, and let him sort it out with God in person, but apparently his fans saw it otherwise.
He also wore craploads of jewelry, then would have it airbrushed out of his publicity photos featuring him begging for money. He owned something like three mansions just in LA.
September 28, 2010 at 5:37 pm
@#24 mad2physicist You mean I’d have to pay for the glory shot…er spout?
September 28, 2010 at 5:38 pm
reminds me of this old chestnut:
hey lady, do you believe in the Hereafter? then you’ll know what i’m here after! heh heh heh!
am i the only one picturing her green and wearing an enormous Victorian ruff?
September 28, 2010 at 5:38 pm
The whole thing makes sense now. Dude had a direct mail campaign known as SEED FAITH.SRSLY.
September 28, 2010 at 5:39 pm
Oh, deary me, I LOVE Regretsy!
September 28, 2010 at 5:41 pm
I need to be healed after seeing ANYTHING these religiotards have to say.
September 28, 2010 at 5:56 pm
And to think I always get those free “Watchtower” brochures from the Jehovah’s Witnesses. This is SO much better!
September 28, 2010 at 6:11 pm
oh wow thats some pretty.. uh.. loaded wording there
September 28, 2010 at 6:11 pm
“Whoo-ee, there’s blessings on my soul! Whoo-ee, he stuck the glory-pole up my piss-hole and squirted salvation all over my ass-hole! Oh, praise God!”
(actual punch line to a dirty Ozark joke)
September 28, 2010 at 6:12 pm
I admit I have no way of knowing this for certain, but I’m pretty sure this is NOT how the Virgin Mary got started. (Or Jesus, for that matter).
September 28, 2010 at 6:14 pm
I remember my great grandma watching Oral Roberts when i was a kid… and the shows old theme song came to memory and strikes me as really disturbing now….. “Something good is go-ing to hap-pen to you…” *shudder*
September 28, 2010 at 6:27 pm
I wonder how long she has to wait for the glory to come out? Let’s hope she’s not on the cover of next month’s issue…still waiting.
September 28, 2010 at 6:37 pm
Perhaps she should take out her dentures first?
September 28, 2010 at 6:43 pm
Talk about rape. Those evangelists will stop at nothing to pad their coffers, including milking the terms ‘Jesus Will Rise’ & ‘The Second Coming’.
September 28, 2010 at 6:49 pm
Priceless. Absolutely priceless.
September 28, 2010 at 6:54 pm
Awww, I knew this was perfect for Regretsy! Thanks for lovin’ it, April. I’m all verklempt!
Lisa (or should I say, “Lisa”)
September 28, 2010 at 6:54 pm
Evangelists are weak-minded fools. You have to be Catholic to really fuck shit up properly.
September 28, 2010 at 7:13 pm
“Miracles” is in the same font as “Highlights” magazine for children…
September 28, 2010 at 7:41 pm
Wow, just wow. I just want to ask the person that put this together (in all innocence of course) ‘I’m sorry, what exactly do you mean by spout?’
September 28, 2010 at 7:57 pm
He is risen. He is risen indeed! *salacious eyebrow waggle* Thanks be to God.
September 28, 2010 at 8:03 pm
What does this have to do with Regretsy? (don’t get angry, I just wondered about this and that coat hanger the other day.)
Like everything else I post, this magazine cover and the coat hanger were created with complete sincerity and are terrible gaffes. I guess I just love bad judgment. – HK
September 28, 2010 at 8:04 pm
I once was unfortunate enough to watch a Christian Prayathon where a sweaty gentleman in a $5000 suit onstage was asking people to send in their “Love Seed” of $100 or more. All I could think about was whether I should attempt to estimate $100 worth of Love Seed or just head to the sperm bank for an accurate measurement.
September 28, 2010 at 8:05 pm
Another unfortunate choice of words, as the “Teabaggers” found out the hard way. I wonder if there will be any back peddling.
I’ve known more than a few very conservative christian men, and you KNOW they have the craziest hardcore porn collection in town with the guilt and denial to match, so it surprises me they let this go to press, given they’re not the pious bunch they pretend to be.
Bad, bad things happen when you try to put a cork in those natural mammalian urges.
September 28, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Holy Bukkake! Sounds glorious.
September 28, 2010 at 9:51 pm
Wait for it… Wait for it….. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. See you next sunday!
September 28, 2010 at 10:07 pm
#32 “religiotards” is my new favorite word.
September 28, 2010 at 10:24 pm
“Healer?” – I barely even KNOW her!
September 28, 2010 at 11:00 pm
Does he have a brother Anal Roberts?
September 28, 2010 at 11:27 pm
My thighs have seen the glory of the coming of the lord!
September 28, 2010 at 11:51 pm
To say nothing of “The Job Only You can Do”
September 29, 2010 at 12:36 am
Ah yes, the traditional “laying on of hands.”
Like this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Laying_on_of_hands.jpg
It looks downright pervy when placed next to this cover’s money shot.
September 29, 2010 at 2:26 am
Oh my giddy aunt…
*facepalm*
September 29, 2010 at 4:48 am
And if you click the right button, a seed will be planted. Amen.
September 29, 2010 at 5:31 am
@ #54 Holden Back – Have you met Colonel Angus? The rumors are true about Big Beaver. Many men were lost, and I suffered an injury to my jaw.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/4109/saturday-night-live-colonel-angus-comes-home
September 29, 2010 at 5:44 am
something about this is just so wrong…
September 29, 2010 at 6:55 am
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September 29, 2010 at 7:06 am
Fun with the JW’s:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/akbuthod/416800701/
September 29, 2010 at 7:15 am
I used to be Jewish, so can someone explain to me if this is the first coming or the second coming?
(or is the graphic design firm that does their layouts really Wiccan and just messing with these people?)
September 29, 2010 at 7:38 am
Buzzkill, it’s neither. It’s just a woman taking the lord into her. Apparently, she likes it orally.
September 29, 2010 at 7:38 am
Steam spunk
September 29, 2010 at 7:48 am
Is there really nothing better to do in Tulsa?
September 29, 2010 at 8:07 am
Normally, I’d do the Photoshop work, but I’m not bold enough.
What we need is someone to Photoshop the jizz-dripping T-Rex into this magazine cover.
September 29, 2010 at 9:01 am
#67 BillsBayou – you could be subtle and just ‘shop a pearl necklace on the lady…
September 29, 2010 at 11:13 am
As Tom Lehrer said, “Two, four, six, eight. Time to transubstantiate.”
September 29, 2010 at 11:26 am
I think the publisher got this cover mixed up with the magazine for Robert’s Oral Ministry.
September 29, 2010 at 1:14 pm
For a moment, I wondered who is holding her face, herself or another person. A quick mental rotation of my own hands told me that it must be another person.
Then I realized that I have been through the exact same question, testing procedure, and conclusion to make sense of Goatse.
September 29, 2010 at 1:33 pm
I have shared this link with all my peeps… perhaps now they will understand why I am so screwed up, having been raised in that hellhole of a “church”. Crazy effed-up weirdos.
September 29, 2010 at 2:21 pm
The featured articles on the oralroberts.com site just add to it:
# “The Job Only You Can Do” – a Classic Message by Oral Roberts on Jonah
# The Power of Seed-Faith Living – by Richard Roberts
September 29, 2010 at 7:42 pm
GROT #60, Sadly not known to me bfore now.
“Open our lips, Oh Lord, and let the King of Glory Holes enter in. Amen”
September 30, 2010 at 12:01 am
I hope this leaflet comes with wet naps… just like Tulsa’s Barbecue hole! If there’s two things I can’t stand, it’s having glory, or barbecue sauce on my face.
September 30, 2010 at 5:20 pm
#76, I’ll reluctantly take one over the other. (Which one? Ain’t tellin’.)
October 3, 2010 at 10:31 am
Goddamnit. This makes me hate and love living in Tulsa simultaneously now.
October 17, 2010 at 2:21 pm
This picture is old, from O. Roberts heyday. I can remember this stuff being placed in grocery stores and the like, even up here in NH, in the 80′s. You can send money no matter where you live.