1) CORRECT SPELLING
2) DECENT GRAMMAR
3) KNOWING WHEN TO TURN OFF CAPSLOCK
4) UNDERSTANDING HOW REALITY WORKS
5) PROTECTION FROM MY NATURAL GULLIBILITY
6) UNLIMITED CHERRY POP TARTS
and Stretch65 as “The Count”
September 16, 2010 at 9:47 am
This jokester is trying to bleed you dry. Though the discounts are nice if you aren’t in a hurry. Go for the $1000 level. What’s another 45 days when you are immortal. This posting it doesn’t make a gar-lick of sense.
I don’t have a stake in this posting BUT IT SUCKS
What happens if in the distant steampunky future I no longer want to be an unaging, blood-sucking, time-traveliing Heidi Klum radiologist and this chick has kicked the bucket?
Seller also has a listing for a teleportation spell, $400 plus free shipping. Why would you need shipping for teleportation, wouldn’t you just teleport yourself there for free anyway? And the werewolf spell she has is listed for just $500. I guess vampires are more chic this year.
Hmmm, $2,850 for immortality? Hell, that’s nothing when amortized out over infinity. Even with today’s interest rates I ought to make it back with the $5 in my savings account within the next century.
i’m sitting here wondering if i’ve already done this. because maybe i had this spell casted on me, then time traveled, then changed my mind.
leaving me basically unchanged in the present tense, but with about $2850.00 less money than i think i should.
For no cost, I can roll my polyhedral dice and if I get a 12, I will acquire most of those powers. Except that my vampire spell doesn’t include time travel, teleportation, or x-ray vision–that’s only for wizards, as everyone knows.
Hmmm… she got positive feedback from the buyer of a $25 werewolf spell but I wonder if she actually scammed them because of the price. The 5 bottles of men’s cologne she sold was a bargain, though.
I just read that werewolf spell, too, and I think you can get the same effects (for much cheaper) by unplugging your fridge for 30 days and devouring the contents. You’ll see at night, smell colors, look and smell beastly…
huh, I came on here with all sorts of snide comments in mind, but 1) a lot of people already said what I was gonna say and 2) I’m just a little bit freaked out that the seller has 80 feedbacks, all 100% positive. OK, so not ALL of them are for spells, but a large percentage is. So. yeah. I’m kinda freaked out right now.
I was wavering on the whole thing, but once she threw in free shipping, well, she had me. I’ve always wanted to time-travel, and the last vampire spell I tried only promised me two extra vacation days per year.
I wonder how much she’d charge for the ability to time-travel without being compelled to suck human blood?
Grot – The Ghost of Reginald I Perrin
September 16, 2010 at 10:11 am
Does the Chicago Mercantile Board list futures for “Time-Travelling” and “Immortality”? How can one figure out the time-value of money when purchasing time-travel?
Here is a penny, it will be worth $2,850 by around the year 2,850. You should have no trouble collecting it, being immortal and all.
Brilliant! This should be their new motto… just as catchy as “There’s an app for that.” Who needs an iphone when you can control the universe with spells purchased on ebay?
But it does work…he’s got a list of satisfied customers.
1. Elvis
2. Dick Clark
3. The Republican National Committee
4. Pat Robertson
5. Steve Jobs
6. Dick Cheney
7. Jerry Springer Fan Club
8. Mick Jagger
9. Simon Cowell
10. The Cast of Glee
It is interesting to note that the seller says they can take the spell off if you get sick of being immortal, but it doesn’t say that the seller is them-self immortal, so what is the poor buyer supposed to do in the year 5000 when they want to die?
Dun-DUN-DUNNNN! I think that was the basis of at least five twilight episodes.
I had no idea that vampires could time travel. I’m intrigued but alas, all my spare money is being sucked (ha! see what I did there?) into the account to send my daughter to New York City with the orchestra. Maybe we can buy her this spell instead and she can teleport there. At the moment, this spell is cheaper.
In most cases I’d be outraged at this idiot taking advantage of vulnerable people, but I figure the seller & buyer of this shit deserve each other.
That being said, if this person, thing , whatever , is so goddamned good , why are they trolling this on ebay?
Can’t they wave their magyk wand & make the need for money go away?
That would be impressive indeed.
ok…just sent the seller a note.
If I put $1.00 in an interest bearing account compounded interest at 7%, he can transport to the year 2124 and collect a total of $2,854.00.
Joke is on him…You can’t get a 7% interest rate on passbook savings accounts!!!
I wonder if they’d accept an exchange. there’s some property in Florida i could part with, or that large structure in Brooklyn i’ve been trying to unload. I also have an authentic Stradimarius i could trade.
nah. i like eating garlic bread on the beach too much.
I’m very thankful for the tip about more expensive spells being the legitimate ones. I’m on the lookout for one more expensive than this seller’s. She’s helped herself right out of the market!
#17 There’s an idea for a funny fantasy story. “I bought this immortality spell off of eBay…now I want to get rid of it and the seller’s not around to take it off!”
#28, Sparkling in the sun? (I know, I can HOPE it’s unpopular, right? *sigh*)
It’s good to believe in Darwinism. If an idiot buys this, tests the immortality feature and dies, they take their gene pool piss with them (hopefully).
ok i think this is the point where ebay should intervene. being affiliated with scams of this proportion actually hurts business and goodwill. see the History of the Catholic Church / Indulgences.
i bet they don’t want to become the scrapheap of the internet.
also, what’s wrong with people nowadays? vampires?! i mean UFO’s are at least a distant possibility, but vampires? it’s like believing in dragons and giants!
As soon as you pay for this, please test it out immediately after the “spell” is preformed to make sure it works. Jump off a building and see if you are immortal.
I’d bid on this with some special requests. Instead of Abilities 5, 7, and 8, I’d like to exchange those for:
Eternal House Cleaning Service
Eternal Laundry Service
A Set of Ginsu Knives
After all, I could really use *a long and hard spell*
if you know what I’m saying.
Shit, I’d pee in a bottle and sell it on Ebay if I could get $2,850 for it.
On a sidenote, anyone check out the other spells listed in the same category? They’re a mindboggling mixture of hilarious and creepy, ranging from the “booty enhancement spell” to “MAKE ANYBODY HORNY ADULT XXX PROFESSIONAL MAGICK SEX”
Might bid on that three wishes from a genie, though. For only $6, I can wish three times to have this dude punched in the dick.
As a huge fan of “Dark Shadows” (team Quentin), I can tell you for sure that vampires can time travel, shapeshift (turn into bats), can be invisible, speedy and immortal (and freakin’ ugly). But all you need to be one is to have an angry hoodoo witch scream a curse at you, followed by a bite from an oversized rubber vampire bat. And it doesn’t cost a thing.
After I buy this, it’s going to turn out to be some sort of power up card for some vampire role playing game, right? Or a part in an indie film? Because no one out there would seriously try to sell a “spell” to make you a vampire, right?
Right?
Please?
(ohgodtheregoesmyfaithinhumanityagain)
I’m sure I can find 2849 other people who would be willing to put in the dollar to share the spell. You know, only one person uses it, but then uses their newly acquired vampire skills to convert everyone else. Take that seller! Who’s with me?
VAMPIRE TRANSFORMATION SPELL~BECOME AN IMMORTAL VAMPIRE
Offer price: $500.00
Buy It Now price:
$2,850.00Buy It Now
Offer expires: Sep-18-10 12:39:17 PDT
Seller Terms: Gees thats instulting, $1, listen dont waste my time with making crapy offers like that for a spell like this. $500.00 and all your dreams come true. $1, ha the way things are these days with money you can baraly buy a candy bar with a $1.
Seller:
ambro
Update.
See #47. The offer I sent as a “Make an Offer” on eBay.
The person turned down a perfectly viable offer within 2 hours of the issuance.
Evidently, there must be a problem with the claim of Time Travel. Not that I doubt that the spell is legitimate, but we have a quality control issue here.
I’m gonna opt for the Werewolf spell instead…I always wanted a hairy chest.
Ok..I counteroffered.
I suggested I get the spell now for free. I will go to the future after investing the $1.00 at 7% for 114 years. I will return to yesterday to pay him. This way, we both win! I also said that if he had faith in his spell, he’d accept the offer.
Oh god in help me now. I think you’re not supposed to use your powers for profit seller. Unless of course you’re donating the proceeds to the little vampire and werewolf orphanage. Then its ok.
If I give Jetbunny $2 can I go in on a wish to have this seller punched in the dick?
Shufflecara-You can use your powers for personal gain but it never works out well in the end. At least not that I’ve ever heard of. Next thing you know she’ll be selling love potions.
I really feel bad those who might be duped by this. You would think someone over at Ebay would nip this in the bud.
I sent the seller some questions based on comments by Bills, Wilma, Lisa, Raen, Steph:
Does your spell include the following powers?
1.ABILITY TO SPARKLE IN THE SUN (LIKE EDWARD CULLEN).
2.ABILITY TO SHAPE SHIFT INTO HEIDI KLUM (BUT W/O ALL THOSE KIDS) AND THEN TIME TRAVEL BACK TO GET MY $2850 BACK.
3.UNLIMITED CHERRY OR RASPBERRY POP TARTS.
Also, if I change my mind about the whole immortality thing, will you still be around in 5,000 years to reverse the spell?
“There is no way this kind of spell can be reversed, no you wont sparkle in the sunlight like a hollywood movie would make it. and yes you will be able as time goes by to shapeshift into anybody.”
Knittn-kitten: are you on Facebook? Because I *totally* want to Friend you for the Harry Dresden reference.
Also – she needs to decide which werewolf and vampire mythology she follows. In Patricia Briggs’ Mercy Thompson novels, werewolves canNOT breathe underwater. They sink, because their bone structure is too dense; it’s almost the only way they can commit suicide,when they decide they’ve lived too long. OK, I’m going back to my GeekCave now.
Wait…. so if you decide you don’t want to be immortal anymore, he can have it “casted” off of you. HOWEVER: The spell is NOT reversible? How does that work, exactly? Is this false advertising?
Am I the only one who finds it hilarious that he is located in Washington state, home of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen?
Also, it appears to only be worth $500 now if you “Buy it now”. Plus, it’s not returnable. What if it’s defective?
Ebay allows this kind of thing? Seriously? I know that in many jurisdictions this would not be legal to do in person, so it seems like Ebay is treading on dangerous ground.
Come on people, why so cynical? Your purchase is covered by ebay buyer protection….it says so right at the top of the page! This HAS to be legit! If it doesn’t work, just complain to ebay that you haven’t yet turned into a vampire, and they’ll get right on that shit.
The only problem is being a vampire sounds like it sucks, especially if you’re a vegetarian. Can I be turned into a hot young millionaire with a wonderful husband and no family or emotional problems?
Guys, guys, guys. So naive. This isn’t a real spell, it’s for entertainment purposes only. It’s all explained in the fine print: http://tinyurl.com/26bbs4x
Bet you feel silly about that $2,850 you spent now huh?
Just so you know guys, I already asked and this one won’t turn you into a sparkly vampire OR a dope-ass Nosferatu-type. I got a response in about an hour so she can’t be THAT busy… she even took the time to inform me that Twilight is fiction and this is reality. A+++++
that disclaimer almost sounds legit except when it says:
“you are entering this spiritual pact knowingly”
I’d love to see the argument in court regarding the precedence and finer points of “spiritual pacts.”
Love, love, love how he’s claiming it’s not a scam by pointing out that his price is $2850. From post, “ALWAYS IF YOUR SEARCHING FOR A SPELL AND SEE THE SPELL YOU FIND AND ITS PRICED KIND OF HIGH THEN IT IS MOST LIKELY LEGIT.”
My Grandmother is 88 and has had horrible problems with contipation for the last 6 months. I think she spends at least 10 dollars a week on laxatives. I was wondering if this would be a cheaper alternative than taking all those harsh medications. I would need assurance that it would not give her immortal constipation as she is already very uncomfortable.
Q: Will this spell force me to drink human blood, or can I suck on the neck of animals instead? I ask because there are several dogs in my buiding that really bother me.
A: you can drink any blood as long as its not dead blood.
This seller is wonderfully prompt with answering quesstions! AAAA++++++ WOULD CHANT AGAIN!
Um…X-Ray vision? Aren’t there airport scanner machines that do that for free?
Totally Kookoo for Cocopuffs.
Best part: “Before you decide ask yourself over and over about this. Its a serious thing and you don’t want to waste your money on it…” Well, OK then. NOTED.
I received a response from him.
I like the way you think, but if it were only that easy then id think about saying yes. However it takes supplies for the spell to be casted and that cost $500.00 at the cheapest. So if you get $500.00 then come back, im always here if you need help!
My reply.
I will reconsider your offer if you can guarantee success or give me a list of references for which this has worked. Have you ever done this before?
As I read this:
‘Become an immortal vampire! (Not growing old optional!)’
Also, I can drink any blood, including dead blood, now… and what happens if someone takes this spell and then drinks blood with HIV?
Well, I don’t have $2,850, but I do have $50. So do I go for the HAUNTED GAY HOMOSEXUAL VAMPIRE DJINN RING LOVE SPELL [http://tinyurl.com/32vtwq3] to attract gay men and gay vampires, or the BECOME A SORCERESS/WIZARD PSY VAMPIRE WITCH SPELL CAST [http://tinyurl.com/3765zbc]? I’m thinking the second one has more bang for my bucks. Plus, I just can’t quite believe that “Most Vampires are homosexual” as the ring seller states.
@ Us Bookworms: Personally, I’d hire Anita Blake instead of Harry for this particular job – just cuz she’d be more heavily armed.
Also, when casting spells, it seems mis-spellings would be especialy dangerous. (Or is that smells?)
Go, Darwin Go!
#132 – You guys are so close (in price) – you’re seriously not willing to look the other way so you can strike a deal?!
I hope you can see the sarcasm there because I’m laying it on pretty thick.
Well, I looked and I don’t have any spells laying around the house to change people into vampires. Or werewolves. Or stop my hair from turning into a frizzy red puffball from hell on this rainy NW day.
Now I would probably pay $2850 for that.
@WudsWumnNM-speaking of frizzy red hair, THAT’S who we need. Rachel Morgan. She blows both Anita and Harry out of the water when it comes to vampires.
What the hell–she actually SOLD a couple of the werewolf spells and got POSITIVE feedback?!? One feedback was “very fast”. Hmm. Also, an IMMORTALITY POTION! I want what this seller(and, I assume, the buyers)are smoking.
@CajunBelle #134 Fantastic eHow article, as always. I will definitely forgo the eBay options now. My only problem is … if I had gotten close enough to a vampire to get a drop of its blood, why the fuck am I not a vampire already?!
From comments: “its easy getting vampire blood” “i know 2 vampires and thats all”
You have to admire the dedication to hhis craft, and utter selflessness he shows to his customers. After all, by dropping the price to $100 instead of the $500 he mentioned as barely covering the cost of supplies, he’s taking a $400 hit just to make the vampiric dreams of a complete stranger come true! All this, AFTER having been contacted and harassed numerous times by people poking fun at him.
#141 PaganChick :
“You have to admire the dedication to his craft, and utter selflessness he shows to his customers.
What a guy, what a gift, what a saint.”
Ugh, no. I’m a Pagan and this has nothing to do with the Craft, selflessness, or saintliness. Actually I thought I was a Pagan because I refuted my belief in Saints. And if it was a gift it would be free.
You guys cant be seriouse about this there is no such a thing as a vampire spell there is no such a thing as vamires period…no offense i love all the vampire series and movies a and books, but ti pay a 1000 just for something so stupid, its not real come on you gys would actually throw money out for something thats not even real ….. Grow up people!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Isabella… people are seldom serious about anything here at Regretsy.
———————-
I thought Ambroselamia was a female… I found another Vampire Transformation spell, and the witch selling it says: “My name is High Priestess Christine D. Winters, I am also an Ordained Minister, a Reiki Master Teacher, a Certified Hypnotherapist, a Time Line Therapist, an NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) Practitioner, clairvoyant, clairaudiant, and clairscentiant. What does all this mean?”
It means that she will get you to believe you are an “immortal vampire” or what ever.
Though I love that “clairscentiant” part… ability to smell things beyond the range of natural olfactory range?
September 16, 2010 at 9:34 am
Okay, stole the spell from the Egyptians or something ? Oh yeah… they have spells for turning into a horned toad, I suppose that’s not a vampire…
September 16, 2010 at 9:35 am
I’m slightly frightened (but mainly concerned) by the fact that I know people who would probably think this would work…and would want to use it.
September 16, 2010 at 9:35 am
Spelling spell, moron. Get one wall there haht.
September 16, 2010 at 9:36 am
I don’t see “Sparkle In The Sun” on the list. This must be for a REAL vampire.
September 16, 2010 at 9:37 am
This is a very serious matter. I will think about this very hard before spending the money, per her suggestion. She seems like a smart cookie.
I was going to use that money for my retirement savings and maybe towards a down payment on a house. I’m glad I found out about this before I blew it.
September 16, 2010 at 9:38 am
Vampires don’t sparkle? Well damn…
September 16, 2010 at 9:38 am
I bet she’s banking that no one can test he immortality claim and then ask for a refund.
September 16, 2010 at 9:38 am
this auction bloody sucks.
lol.
September 16, 2010 at 9:38 am
I worry that the dumbass who would spend the money on this would also try and test the immortality part….
No refunds for dead vampires.
September 16, 2010 at 9:40 am
Can I shape shift into Heidi Klum (but without all those kids) and then time travel back to get my $2850 back?
September 16, 2010 at 9:41 am
….also, so you can be immortal OR you can never grow old? but not necessarily both?? shitty.
September 16, 2010 at 9:43 am
…just as long as I can change back to normal. Because I might not want to be immortal forever.
September 16, 2010 at 9:43 am
…I’ll make sure that your spell gets casted off of you….
So, here we are again, back to knitting.
September 16, 2010 at 9:45 am
HERE ARE MY REQUIREMENTS FOR ABILITEEES.
1) CORRECT SPELLING
2) DECENT GRAMMAR
3) KNOWING WHEN TO TURN OFF CAPSLOCK
4) UNDERSTANDING HOW REALITY WORKS
5) PROTECTION FROM MY NATURAL GULLIBILITY
6) UNLIMITED CHERRY POP TARTS
September 16, 2010 at 9:47 am
This jokester is trying to bleed you dry. Though the discounts are nice if you aren’t in a hurry. Go for the $1000 level. What’s another 45 days when you are immortal. This posting it doesn’t make a gar-lick of sense.
I don’t have a stake in this posting BUT IT SUCKS
September 16, 2010 at 9:49 am
The price is high “compared to others”? There are others? This is…a market?
*scratches ‘teevee evangelist’ off list of scams to try, pencils in ‘vampire spellmaker’*
September 16, 2010 at 9:50 am
What happens if in the distant steampunky future I no longer want to be an unaging, blood-sucking, time-traveliing Heidi Klum radiologist and this chick has kicked the bucket?
June 27, 2011 at 10:58 am
Obviously, you would just time-travel back to when she was still up and casting. The logic to this plan is flawless.
September 16, 2010 at 9:50 am
Seller also has a listing for a teleportation spell, $400 plus free shipping. Why would you need shipping for teleportation, wouldn’t you just teleport yourself there for free anyway? And the werewolf spell she has is listed for just $500. I guess vampires are more chic this year.
September 16, 2010 at 9:50 am
For $2850, I also want the ability to stay crispy in milk, like Count Chocula.
September 16, 2010 at 9:51 am
Hmmm, $2,850 for immortality? Hell, that’s nothing when amortized out over infinity. Even with today’s interest rates I ought to make it back with the $5 in my savings account within the next century.
September 16, 2010 at 9:52 am
i’m sitting here wondering if i’ve already done this. because maybe i had this spell casted on me, then time traveled, then changed my mind.
leaving me basically unchanged in the present tense, but with about $2850.00 less money than i think i should.
September 16, 2010 at 9:53 am
i love it when scammers tell me what to look for in other scammers.
September 16, 2010 at 9:54 am
@#13 – Yes. Only, raspberry pop tarts for me.
Also, what?! You get the “Massive Sex Appeal” ability with the werewolf spell, but not vampire? That’s a deal breaker.
September 16, 2010 at 9:56 am
For no cost, I can roll my polyhedral dice and if I get a 12, I will acquire most of those powers. Except that my vampire spell doesn’t include time travel, teleportation, or x-ray vision–that’s only for wizards, as everyone knows.
September 16, 2010 at 9:56 am
***YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE INTERNET***
***PLEASE LOG OFF NOW***
Don’t tell me someone has actually BOUGHT this shit?
Seriously, go outside and play.
September 16, 2010 at 9:57 am
Hmmm… she got positive feedback from the buyer of a $25 werewolf spell but I wonder if she actually scammed them because of the price. The 5 bottles of men’s cologne she sold was a bargain, though.
September 16, 2010 at 9:58 am
@#22 Raen-
I just read that werewolf spell, too, and I think you can get the same effects (for much cheaper) by unplugging your fridge for 30 days and devouring the contents. You’ll see at night, smell colors, look and smell beastly…
September 16, 2010 at 9:59 am
Also, I wonder what some of the unpopular vampire abilities are.
September 16, 2010 at 10:00 am
Is it bad that I’m way more concerned about the CAPS LOCK than the actual content of the listing?
September 16, 2010 at 10:02 am
huh, I came on here with all sorts of snide comments in mind, but 1) a lot of people already said what I was gonna say and 2) I’m just a little bit freaked out that the seller has 80 feedbacks, all 100% positive. OK, so not ALL of them are for spells, but a large percentage is. So. yeah. I’m kinda freaked out right now.
September 16, 2010 at 10:06 am
I was wavering on the whole thing, but once she threw in free shipping, well, she had me. I’ve always wanted to time-travel, and the last vampire spell I tried only promised me two extra vacation days per year.
I wonder how much she’d charge for the ability to time-travel without being compelled to suck human blood?
September 16, 2010 at 10:08 am
This is a total ripoff… Last April, someone got both Vampire and Werewolf spells for only $20…
5th one down:
http://tinyurl.com/2dzrgrn
September 16, 2010 at 10:11 am
Does the Chicago Mercantile Board list futures for “Time-Travelling” and “Immortality”? How can one figure out the time-value of money when purchasing time-travel?
Here is a penny, it will be worth $2,850 by around the year 2,850. You should have no trouble collecting it, being immortal and all.
September 16, 2010 at 10:13 am
This Vampire shit has gone beyond something to watch and pretend shit. Is there treatment for these idiots? What are the relapse rates?
September 16, 2010 at 10:14 am
“EBAY has spells for that.”
Brilliant! This should be their new motto… just as catchy as “There’s an app for that.” Who needs an iphone when you can control the universe with spells purchased on ebay?
September 16, 2010 at 10:14 am
if, in about 175 years, you discover that you are indeed NOT immortal…
how do you get your money back? who do you complain to?
September 16, 2010 at 10:14 am
I know what I’M doing with my next student loan check!! Woohoo!! Screw collage Imma eat you mufuckas.
September 16, 2010 at 10:15 am
time travel? that one is new to me… of course i didn’t read all the twilight shit…
i wonder if anyone fell for it…
September 16, 2010 at 10:16 am
“to late and your loss”
my loss indeed.
September 16, 2010 at 10:20 am
But it does work…he’s got a list of satisfied customers.
1. Elvis
2. Dick Clark
3. The Republican National Committee
4. Pat Robertson
5. Steve Jobs
6. Dick Cheney
7. Jerry Springer Fan Club
8. Mick Jagger
9. Simon Cowell
10. The Cast of Glee
September 16, 2010 at 10:23 am
I bid $1. She has 48 hours to reject me.
September 16, 2010 at 10:25 am
It is interesting to note that the seller says they can take the spell off if you get sick of being immortal, but it doesn’t say that the seller is them-self immortal, so what is the poor buyer supposed to do in the year 5000 when they want to die?
Dun-DUN-DUNNNN! I think that was the basis of at least five twilight episodes.
September 16, 2010 at 10:28 am
@easymac- sparkly dick/vagina powers.
September 16, 2010 at 10:28 am
…and to think, I always thought the “ultimate gift” was a Snuggie.
My eyes have been opened.
September 16, 2010 at 10:29 am
Wait… wait…
I had no idea that vampires could time travel. I’m intrigued but alas, all my spare money is being sucked (ha! see what I did there?) into the account to send my daughter to New York City with the orchestra. Maybe we can buy her this spell instead and she can teleport there. At the moment, this spell is cheaper.
September 16, 2010 at 10:32 am
Who said civilization was in decline?
September 16, 2010 at 10:32 am
In most cases I’d be outraged at this idiot taking advantage of vulnerable people, but I figure the seller & buyer of this shit deserve each other.
That being said, if this person, thing , whatever , is so goddamned good , why are they trolling this on ebay?
Can’t they wave their magyk wand & make the need for money go away?
That would be impressive indeed.
September 16, 2010 at 10:33 am
ok…just sent the seller a note.
If I put $1.00 in an interest bearing account compounded interest at 7%, he can transport to the year 2124 and collect a total of $2,854.00.
Joke is on him…You can’t get a 7% interest rate on passbook savings accounts!!!
September 16, 2010 at 10:39 am
I just had a horrible thought. What if she accepts my offer of $1? Do I really have to buy it?
September 16, 2010 at 10:43 am
You could get much the same result by spending that much money at Hot Topic.
September 16, 2010 at 10:44 am
Yes Doe, you do. I doubt you want someone who has vampire, teleportation, an werewolf powers peeved at you.
Even worse, you don’t want the powers of Ebay peeved at you.
Right about now, I’m wishing Harry Dresden really was in the phone book. Poor punctuation and bad grammar really chap my hide.
September 16, 2010 at 10:47 am
Irony of ironies. I meant: ‘and werewolf powers’.
September 16, 2010 at 10:49 am
I wonder if they’d accept an exchange. there’s some property in Florida i could part with, or that large structure in Brooklyn i’ve been trying to unload. I also have an authentic Stradimarius i could trade.
nah. i like eating garlic bread on the beach too much.
September 16, 2010 at 10:50 am
Well, if I end up with the spell, I’ll share it for free, just like that woman with the Mrs. Fields cookie recipe. Or was that Nordstrom?
September 16, 2010 at 10:51 am
Doe, I’d be more afraid of eBay than vampires.
How much you want to bet the listing will be pulled? Then again, isn’t ebay run by vampires?
September 16, 2010 at 10:52 am
I’m very thankful for the tip about more expensive spells being the legitimate ones. I’m on the lookout for one more expensive than this seller’s. She’s helped herself right out of the market!
September 16, 2010 at 10:54 am
i like that you are immortal for a limited time only. that’s a nice touch.
there’s another name for that. I just wish i could remember what it was called….
September 16, 2010 at 10:56 am
Oh cool! I’m so glad you guys posted this! I thought it would be hilarious, I mean come on, will I sparkle too? Is that a guarantee??
September 16, 2010 at 11:01 am
#17 There’s an idea for a funny fantasy story. “I bought this immortality spell off of eBay…now I want to get rid of it and the seller’s not around to take it off!”
#28, Sparkling in the sun? (I know, I can HOPE it’s unpopular, right? *sigh*)
September 16, 2010 at 11:04 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
September 16, 2010 at 11:09 am
It’s good to believe in Darwinism. If an idiot buys this, tests the immortality feature and dies, they take their gene pool piss with them (hopefully).
September 16, 2010 at 11:16 am
#40, did you forget Meg Whitman?
#54, oh, there she is.
September 16, 2010 at 11:17 am
ok i think this is the point where ebay should intervene. being affiliated with scams of this proportion actually hurts business and goodwill. see the History of the Catholic Church / Indulgences.
i bet they don’t want to become the scrapheap of the internet.
also, what’s wrong with people nowadays? vampires?! i mean UFO’s are at least a distant possibility, but vampires? it’s like believing in dragons and giants!
September 16, 2010 at 11:22 am
Dr.Seward has taken away Renfield’s computer now.
September 16, 2010 at 11:34 am
As soon as you pay for this, please test it out immediately after the “spell” is preformed to make sure it works. Jump off a building and see if you are immortal.
September 16, 2010 at 11:35 am
I’d bid on this with some special requests. Instead of Abilities 5, 7, and 8, I’d like to exchange those for:
Eternal House Cleaning Service
Eternal Laundry Service
A Set of Ginsu Knives
After all, I could really use *a long and hard spell*
if you know what I’m saying.
September 16, 2010 at 11:47 am
Shit, I’d pee in a bottle and sell it on Ebay if I could get $2,850 for it.
On a sidenote, anyone check out the other spells listed in the same category? They’re a mindboggling mixture of hilarious and creepy, ranging from the “booty enhancement spell” to “MAKE ANYBODY HORNY ADULT XXX PROFESSIONAL MAGICK SEX”
Might bid on that three wishes from a genie, though. For only $6, I can wish three times to have this dude punched in the dick.
September 16, 2010 at 11:48 am
As a huge fan of “Dark Shadows” (team Quentin), I can tell you for sure that vampires can time travel, shapeshift (turn into bats), can be invisible, speedy and immortal (and freakin’ ugly). But all you need to be one is to have an angry hoodoo witch scream a curse at you, followed by a bite from an oversized rubber vampire bat. And it doesn’t cost a thing.
And vampires don’t sparkle. Trust me on this.
September 16, 2010 at 11:51 am
OMG, how many Twilight-obsessed brats are going to want to try this out?
*facepalm*
September 16, 2010 at 12:07 pm
I could not exist. I went for the Best Offer feature – $.99. I will let you know how it works out.
September 16, 2010 at 12:07 pm
I mean resist. Apparently I do not exist either.
September 16, 2010 at 12:13 pm
After I buy this, it’s going to turn out to be some sort of power up card for some vampire role playing game, right? Or a part in an indie film? Because no one out there would seriously try to sell a “spell” to make you a vampire, right?
Right?
Please?
(ohgodtheregoesmyfaithinhumanityagain)
September 16, 2010 at 12:21 pm
@62 Nytebird: Mina should never have given Renfield typing lessons. It could only end badly.
September 16, 2010 at 12:22 pm
So if I choose shapeshifting, strength, and speed, wouldn’t that make me a Gangrel? Do I have to roll some dice and check with the GM too?
September 16, 2010 at 12:24 pm
I’m sure I can find 2849 other people who would be willing to put in the dollar to share the spell. You know, only one person uses it, but then uses their newly acquired vampire skills to convert everyone else. Take that seller! Who’s with me?
September 16, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Good idea Ratchiick! Unfortunately I’m more of a werewolf girl myself. Anyone want to go in on that one?
September 16, 2010 at 12:49 pm
@#64, Wilma, you are my hero. Marry me?
September 16, 2010 at 12:54 pm
7) ABLE TO BREATH UNDER WATER <— Werewolves can breathe underwater? LMAO.
I'm not paying a dime until I can get a spell to transform me into a faerie!
September 16, 2010 at 12:55 pm
@#62 nytebird: I love you!
September 16, 2010 at 12:56 pm
@ #71 mtopia: Love you too!!!
September 16, 2010 at 1:00 pm
Personally, I’d rather have this spell. Much more useful.
http://tinyurl.com/28smq8x
September 16, 2010 at 1:00 pm
Her response to me:
VAMPIRE TRANSFORMATION SPELL~BECOME AN IMMORTAL VAMPIRE
Offer price: $500.00
Buy It Now price:
$2,850.00Buy It Now
Offer expires: Sep-18-10 12:39:17 PDT
Seller Terms: Gees thats instulting, $1, listen dont waste my time with making crapy offers like that for a spell like this. $500.00 and all your dreams come true. $1, ha the way things are these days with money you can baraly buy a candy bar with a $1.
Seller:
ambro
September 16, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Update.
See #47. The offer I sent as a “Make an Offer” on eBay.
The person turned down a perfectly viable offer within 2 hours of the issuance.
Evidently, there must be a problem with the claim of Time Travel. Not that I doubt that the spell is legitimate, but we have a quality control issue here.
I’m gonna opt for the Werewolf spell instead…I always wanted a hairy chest.
September 16, 2010 at 1:12 pm
Ok..I counteroffered.
I suggested I get the spell now for free. I will go to the future after investing the $1.00 at 7% for 114 years. I will return to yesterday to pay him. This way, we both win! I also said that if he had faith in his spell, he’d accept the offer.
I’ll let you know when he refuses it!
September 16, 2010 at 1:18 pm
#80…could you be MORE instulting?
September 16, 2010 at 1:19 pm
@ MAG – Brilliant! Please do update
September 16, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Oh god in help me now. I think you’re not supposed to use your powers for profit seller. Unless of course you’re donating the proceeds to the little vampire and werewolf orphanage. Then its ok.
If I give Jetbunny $2 can I go in on a wish to have this seller punched in the dick?
September 16, 2010 at 1:22 pm
If the seller possessed any of these abilities, do you think they would bother with eBay?
September 16, 2010 at 1:30 pm
What the? I don’t even…
*turns around and goes to bed* It’s been a long day…
September 16, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Shufflecara-You can use your powers for personal gain but it never works out well in the end. At least not that I’ve ever heard of. Next thing you know she’ll be selling love potions.
I really feel bad those who might be duped by this. You would think someone over at Ebay would nip this in the bud.
September 16, 2010 at 1:46 pm
__crawls under fish tank__ Look! I can breath UNDER water–think of all the money I just saved!
September 16, 2010 at 1:46 pm
OOPs, breathe
September 16, 2010 at 1:46 pm
if you had #1,2,8 (strength, speed, x-ray vision)… wouldn’t that make you Superman?
last I checked, not a vampire.
September 16, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Well done, Doe and MAG!
September 16, 2010 at 1:59 pm
I sent the seller some questions based on comments by Bills, Wilma, Lisa, Raen, Steph:
Does your spell include the following powers?
1.ABILITY TO SPARKLE IN THE SUN (LIKE EDWARD CULLEN).
2.ABILITY TO SHAPE SHIFT INTO HEIDI KLUM (BUT W/O ALL THOSE KIDS) AND THEN TIME TRAVEL BACK TO GET MY $2850 BACK.
3.UNLIMITED CHERRY OR RASPBERRY POP TARTS.
Also, if I change my mind about the whole immortality thing, will you still be around in 5,000 years to reverse the spell?
September 16, 2010 at 2:01 pm
Here’s the response:
“There is no way this kind of spell can be reversed, no you wont sparkle in the sunlight like a hollywood movie would make it. and yes you will be able as time goes by to shapeshift into anybody.”
WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING POPTARTS???!!!
September 16, 2010 at 2:08 pm
tHIS SPELL WILL ONLY WORK IF YOUR BATSHIT INANE. BUT DONT WORRY EBAY HAS SPELLS TO HELP WITH THAT.
FTFY.
September 16, 2010 at 2:09 pm
i briefly thought this was my exhusband but then realized he can spell “too” & not “to” when he means “too” & not “to.”
i guess spelling is not a trait belonging to this ‘rival’ vampire.
oy vey.
{thats for both of us.}
September 16, 2010 at 2:11 pm
Holy shit guys, she’s for real. She put a +9 spelling-fail spell on me.
September 16, 2010 at 2:26 pm
wait, do i *have* to blood-suck other humans, or can i go the more humane route like the twilight kids and just hunt some bears or something?
September 16, 2010 at 2:34 pm
Here’s $5.00; go out and buy yourself something pretty, like an apostrophe! Spelling/grammar seem to be one of “she/he’s weakness’s.”
September 16, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Knittn-kitten: are you on Facebook? Because I *totally* want to Friend you for the Harry Dresden reference.
Also – she needs to decide which werewolf and vampire mythology she follows. In Patricia Briggs’ Mercy Thompson novels, werewolves canNOT breathe underwater. They sink, because their bone structure is too dense; it’s almost the only way they can commit suicide,when they decide they’ve lived too long. OK, I’m going back to my GeekCave now.
September 16, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Wait…. so if you decide you don’t want to be immortal anymore, he can have it “casted” off of you. HOWEVER: The spell is NOT reversible? How does that work, exactly? Is this false advertising?
Am I the only one who finds it hilarious that he is located in Washington state, home of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen?
Also, it appears to only be worth $500 now if you “Buy it now”. Plus, it’s not returnable. What if it’s defective?
September 16, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Two. Thousand. Eight. Hundred. And. Fifty. Dollars.
Just let that fucking sink in, would ya?
(This coming from someone with a $50,000 purse as her avatar photo).
September 16, 2010 at 3:10 pm
I can’t stand the shitty life I have now, why would I want to be immortal!!
September 16, 2010 at 3:43 pm
Ebay allows this kind of thing? Seriously? I know that in many jurisdictions this would not be legal to do in person, so it seems like Ebay is treading on dangerous ground.
September 16, 2010 at 3:50 pm
And someone actually bought the IMMORTALITY POTION (#260591226321)??? for just over $100?? ROTFL!! Oh man.
September 16, 2010 at 4:02 pm
Come on people, why so cynical? Your purchase is covered by ebay buyer protection….it says so right at the top of the page! This HAS to be legit! If it doesn’t work, just complain to ebay that you haven’t yet turned into a vampire, and they’ll get right on that shit.
The only problem is being a vampire sounds like it sucks, especially if you’re a vegetarian. Can I be turned into a hot young millionaire with a wonderful husband and no family or emotional problems?
September 16, 2010 at 4:06 pm
I just thought of something else, would that mean I have to get my teeth fixed again? I don’t have any fangs anymore!
September 16, 2010 at 4:15 pm
Reading feedback from another similar seller on ebay, I came across this gem: “REALLY GOOD WITCH, AND AMAZING COMMUNICATION”
I mean, how many times in life does one get to write a review saying “really good witch”? Awesomesauce!
September 16, 2010 at 4:21 pm
i can see some kid getting this and believe they are invisible
YOU CANT SEE ME you yell as you attempt to shoplift from a store
YES WE CAN say the cops as they arrest you
September 16, 2010 at 5:03 pm
@WhimsyMistress-I was but took it down two weeks ago.
But if it was up, I’d totally let you!
September 16, 2010 at 5:32 pm
Guys, guys, guys. So naive. This isn’t a real spell, it’s for entertainment purposes only. It’s all explained in the fine print: http://tinyurl.com/26bbs4x
Bet you feel silly about that $2,850 you spent now huh?
September 16, 2010 at 6:01 pm
Just so you know guys, I already asked and this one won’t turn you into a sparkly vampire OR a dope-ass Nosferatu-type. I got a response in about an hour so she can’t be THAT busy… she even took the time to inform me that Twilight is fiction and this is reality. A+++++
September 16, 2010 at 6:21 pm
Isn’t the first step to being a vampire being DEAD? Didn’t know there was a work-around.
September 16, 2010 at 6:21 pm
that disclaimer almost sounds legit except when it says:
“you are entering this spiritual pact knowingly”
I’d love to see the argument in court regarding the precedence and finer points of “spiritual pacts.”
September 16, 2010 at 6:39 pm
Love, love, love how he’s claiming it’s not a scam by pointing out that his price is $2850. From post, “ALWAYS IF YOUR SEARCHING FOR A SPELL AND SEE THE SPELL YOU FIND AND ITS PRICED KIND OF HIGH THEN IT IS MOST LIKELY LEGIT.”
September 16, 2010 at 6:42 pm
Dear ambroselamia,
Your price dropped considerably. Did you time travel and see that your item didn’t go over too well with the buyer?
September 16, 2010 at 6:47 pm
My Grandmother is 88 and has had horrible problems with contipation for the last 6 months. I think she spends at least 10 dollars a week on laxatives. I was wondering if this would be a cheaper alternative than taking all those harsh medications. I would need assurance that it would not give her immortal constipation as she is already very uncomfortable.
September 16, 2010 at 7:05 pm
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This was the response to my question:
“Dear Nimmomom,
No i figure Halloween is right around the corner and i think of it as a special. its about 75% off.
- ambroselamia”
September 16, 2010 at 8:02 pm
Q: Will this spell force me to drink human blood, or can I suck on the neck of animals instead? I ask because there are several dogs in my buiding that really bother me.
A: you can drink any blood as long as its not dead blood.
This seller is wonderfully prompt with answering quesstions! AAAA++++++ WOULD CHANT AGAIN!
September 16, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Um…X-Ray vision? Aren’t there airport scanner machines that do that for free?
Totally Kookoo for Cocopuffs.
Best part: “Before you decide ask yourself over and over about this. Its a serious thing and you don’t want to waste your money on it…” Well, OK then. NOTED.
September 16, 2010 at 8:29 pm
Update on my offer to this fuckery!
I received a response from him.
I like the way you think, but if it were only that easy then id think about saying yes. However it takes supplies for the spell to be casted and that cost $500.00 at the cheapest. So if you get $500.00 then come back, im always here if you need help!
My reply.
I will reconsider your offer if you can guarantee success or give me a list of references for which this has worked. Have you ever done this before?
September 16, 2010 at 8:54 pm
Colonel colon polyp, it might help, but you MUST specify the Vampire Ability of ‘Loose Stools’.
September 16, 2010 at 8:55 pm
MAG, you are my new hero. A+++ would read snark again.
September 16, 2010 at 10:53 pm
As I read this:
‘Become an immortal vampire! (Not growing old optional!)’
Also, I can drink any blood, including dead blood, now… and what happens if someone takes this spell and then drinks blood with HIV?
September 16, 2010 at 11:37 pm
Well, I don’t have $2,850, but I do have $50. So do I go for the HAUNTED GAY HOMOSEXUAL VAMPIRE DJINN RING LOVE SPELL [http://tinyurl.com/32vtwq3] to attract gay men and gay vampires, or the BECOME A SORCERESS/WIZARD PSY VAMPIRE WITCH SPELL CAST [http://tinyurl.com/3765zbc]? I’m thinking the second one has more bang for my bucks. Plus, I just can’t quite believe that “Most Vampires are homosexual” as the ring seller states.
September 16, 2010 at 11:40 pm
You know what, never mind. I’m going for the gay vampire ring because of the awesome feedback this seller has
http://feedback.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewFeedback2&ftab=FeedbackAsSeller&userid=magicforest22&iid=110586690139&de=off&items=25&interval=0&page=1
September 17, 2010 at 2:10 am
Wow.
If there are people that are dumb enough to buy this and think it’ll work then I’m deleting myself from this world.
September 17, 2010 at 8:16 am
@ Us Bookworms: Personally, I’d hire Anita Blake instead of Harry for this particular job – just cuz she’d be more heavily armed.
Also, when casting spells, it seems mis-spellings would be especialy dangerous. (Or is that smells?)
Go, Darwin Go!
September 17, 2010 at 8:17 am
Er… especially. Like me.
September 17, 2010 at 8:32 am
Delighted to receive this response from the seller:
“Offering me this was insulting. $0.99 wont get you any spell to be casted and a spell like this is worth alot more than what you offer.”
She offered to lower the price to $500.
September 17, 2010 at 8:45 am
#132 – You guys are so close (in price) – you’re seriously not willing to look the other way so you can strike a deal?!
I hope you can see the sarcasm there because I’m laying it on pretty thick.
September 17, 2010 at 9:50 am
Why would you pay for it when you can do it for free on ehow?
http://www.ehow.com/how_2323579_cast-spell-become-vampire.html
September 17, 2010 at 10:04 am
I just checked, and it’s been relisted for only $100.00!! What happened?
September 17, 2010 at 10:23 am
#135 – The seller came down off her doobie high and realized what they’d posted for the world to see.
September 17, 2010 at 10:42 am
Well, I looked and I don’t have any spells laying around the house to change people into vampires. Or werewolves. Or stop my hair from turning into a frizzy red puffball from hell on this rainy NW day.
Now I would probably pay $2850 for that.
@WudsWumnNM-speaking of frizzy red hair, THAT’S who we need. Rachel Morgan. She blows both Anita and Harry out of the water when it comes to vampires.
September 17, 2010 at 1:00 pm
What the hell–she actually SOLD a couple of the werewolf spells and got POSITIVE feedback?!? One feedback was “very fast”. Hmm. Also, an IMMORTALITY POTION! I want what this seller(and, I assume, the buyers)are smoking.
September 17, 2010 at 2:21 pm
http://flic.kr/p/8BNVuh
September 17, 2010 at 5:29 pm
@CajunBelle #134 Fantastic eHow article, as always. I will definitely forgo the eBay options now. My only problem is … if I had gotten close enough to a vampire to get a drop of its blood, why the fuck am I not a vampire already?!
From comments: “its easy getting vampire blood” “i know 2 vampires and thats all”
September 18, 2010 at 5:53 am
You have to admire the dedication to hhis craft, and utter selflessness he shows to his customers. After all, by dropping the price to $100 instead of the $500 he mentioned as barely covering the cost of supplies, he’s taking a $400 hit just to make the vampiric dreams of a complete stranger come true! All this, AFTER having been contacted and harassed numerous times by people poking fun at him.
What a guy, what a gift, what a saint.
Just sayin’.
September 18, 2010 at 7:56 am
fvd, why would you buy an immortality potion when you can become an immortal werewolf or vampire for just a little more?
September 18, 2010 at 4:46 pm
there are so many things i could say. … but all i can do is laugh.
I so hope the buyer contacts us to let us know how it went
September 18, 2010 at 8:34 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
September 18, 2010 at 8:49 pm
@102 Whimsy mistress – Another Harry Fan! I’m also happy to see so many fans of Rachel Morgan as well.
<3 <3 <3 <3
September 19, 2010 at 12:25 am
So can I get a discount if I become a vampiric werewolf? Or would casting both spells on one person be like crossing the beams of our proton packs?
Also Jojo30: are you a pagan, or did you just think you were and you aren’t? Your status confused me almost as much as this listing…..
October 30, 2010 at 11:09 am
PENIS ENLARGEMENT POTIEN – $550 USD
VERY FAST AND EFFECTIVE TO MAKE YOU 10″ LARGER IN VERY SHORT TIME.
Free shipping.
Full guarantee but we ask that you not return because you have wrong mental attitude to cause you not to believe it work.
******************
If only I had no conscience or common sense, I could be rich too.
December 11, 2010 at 11:00 pm
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December 13, 2010 at 11:57 am
Dear Isabella… people are seldom serious about anything here at Regretsy.
———————-
I thought Ambroselamia was a female… I found another Vampire Transformation spell, and the witch selling it says: “My name is High Priestess Christine D. Winters, I am also an Ordained Minister, a Reiki Master Teacher, a Certified Hypnotherapist, a Time Line Therapist, an NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) Practitioner, clairvoyant, clairaudiant, and clairscentiant. What does all this mean?”
It means that she will get you to believe you are an “immortal vampire” or what ever.
Though I love that “clairscentiant” part… ability to smell things beyond the range of natural olfactory range?