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OMFG

Posted by Helen Killer

87 comments

I’ve seen my share of “reborn” dolls in the last year, but this is the first reborn vampire baby I’ve run across. And I’m only sorry I wasn’t in my car at the time.

Meet Jasper Dean, “the remarkable offspring of Jasper and Alice”.

Click image to view eBay auction

From the description:

GORGEOUS TWILIGHT BABY

HIS FANGS ARE SECURED INTO HIS MOUTH BUT CARE SHOULD BE TAKEN WHEN USING HIS MODIFIED PACIFIER AND BOTTLE OF FAKE ANIMAL BLOOD.

IF YOU CHOOSE TO CHANGE HIS NAME LET ME KNOW AT TIME OF ADOPTION AND IT CAN BE PUT ON HIS ADOPTION PAPERS.

The auction ended about an hour ago, with a winning bid of $90 plus $25 in shipping.

Someone paid $115 for this fucking thing, and they are going to talk to it and sing to it and cuddle it and pretend to feed it animal blood from a baby bottle every day. That’s what’s out there people, and that’s why I don’t leave my house unless I have to.

Happy Friday!

Filed in Dolls, Not Etsy - so sue me, Twilight 87 comments

87 Comments

Add Comment

Jul 30, 2010
2:36 pm

#1 AC84 :

The nail polish is also pretty scary.

Rate this comment: +107

Jul 30, 2010
2:43 pm

#2 greengeekgirl :

D’you think Kiefer Sutherland from The Lost Boys was her inspiration, or did she go down to the shelter to look at crack babies?

Rate this comment: +119

Jul 30, 2010
2:43 pm

#3 whitmansspider :

OMFG indeed.

Rate this comment: +11

Jul 30, 2010
2:44 pm

#4 trousers rolled :

Team Jasper!

Rate this comment: +13

Jul 30, 2010
2:47 pm

#5 mamasaid :

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.

Rate this comment: +27

Jul 30, 2010
2:49 pm

#6 mtopia :

@#5 I believe you mean Unholy spawn of Satan.

Rate this comment: +62

Jul 30, 2010
2:49 pm

#7 Geo from Chgo :

I’ll be OK with just a few more huffs in this paper bag … no I won’t … fangs for the retina scars, HK!

Rate this comment: +9

Jul 30, 2010
2:49 pm

#8 trousers rolled :

I have a feeling that this little, mewling demon will star in my nightmares for some time to come.

Rate this comment: +26

Jul 30, 2010
2:50 pm

#9 ellipser :

Not to mention she’s using used baby clothes! The sleeper in the last picture is already stained…let’s hope it’s not blood….

Rate this comment: +14

Jul 30, 2010
2:51 pm

#10 Mistletoe :

Reminds me, ever take one of those Facebook writing analysis quizzes?

http://twitpic.com/2731zx/full

(by “PattisonRobert”, a parody Twitter account)

Rate this comment: +15

Jul 30, 2010
2:53 pm

#11 mamasaid :

I didn’t know these little fuckers came with adoption papers.

I guess if you’re going to do something that batshit crazy, it should at least be documented.

Rate this comment: +107

Jul 30, 2010
3:15 pm

#12 Stretch65 :

This doll SUCKS

Rate this comment: +22

Jul 30, 2010
3:32 pm

#13 Skully :

Reminds me of a Ralph Malph joke:
Mommy, mommy, why don’t any of the other kids have fangs?
Shut up and drink your blood!

Rate this comment: +15

Jul 30, 2010
3:34 pm

#14 IscreamUscream :

Drop it in a stroller and push it around the local park on a Sunday afternoon–just for kicks.

Rate this comment: +70

Jul 30, 2010
3:35 pm

#15 razberries :

“Someone paid $115 for this fucking thing, and they are going to talk to it and sing to it and cuddle it and pretend to feed it animal blood from a baby bottle every day.” LMFAO!

I don’t know what’s more disturbing, the person who purchased this, or the person that created this.

Why does it have two black eyes?

(Must’ve been a difficult birth)

Rate this comment: +41

Jul 30, 2010
3:38 pm

#16 Pondish :

Why the Wite-Out/Tippex teeth!

Rate this comment: +10

Jul 30, 2010
3:39 pm

#17 aevalin :

If I may…
http://www.etsy.com/listing/52535091/vampire-baby-doll-real-economy-prop

http://www.etsy.com/listing/52535952/demon-baby-doll-prop-horror-gothic

Rate this comment: +8

Jul 30, 2010
3:47 pm

#18 Patty got abducted by a Steampunk Alien :

Oh, great Googly-moogly! Where’s Blade when you need him!?

Rate this comment: +40

Jul 30, 2010
3:47 pm

#19 knittin-kitten :

Do these people have nothing better to do?

Her nails are hideous. I bet she used the same white nail polish she uses for her french manicures on the baby’s teeth.

Rate this comment: +15

Jul 30, 2010
3:51 pm

#20 WhimsyMistress :

If I’d been in my car when I saw this thing, I would have cheerfully run it into a tree and ended it all. The next life has GOT to have less Twilight than this one.

Rate this comment: +37

Jul 30, 2010
3:51 pm

#21 MyEyesMyEyes :

Do all vampires have pink eye?

Rate this comment: +27

Jul 30, 2010
3:54 pm

#22 lisa_n :

what the FUCK is that? Jesus jumped up Christ, RUN!!!

Rate this comment: +17

Jul 30, 2010
3:55 pm

#23 knittin-kitten :

Aren’t reborn babies already creepy enough?

Rate this comment: +52

Jul 30, 2010
3:55 pm

#24 Xniner :

And I thought ALL baby dolls were creepy…..this one is creeptastic. (Yes all vampires do have pink eye @myeyesmyeyes)

Rate this comment: +9

Jul 30, 2010
3:55 pm

#25 LeeLooDallas :

He’s a little gift from the angels.

Rate this comment: +14

Jul 30, 2010
4:01 pm

#26 knittin-kitten :

I can’t believe this sold, I really can’t. I’m going to start carrying mace and holy water from now on when I leave the house.

I hope she buys a dictionary with the proceeds of her sale. Then she can look up the proper definition of gorgeous. Because it’s not what she thinks it is.

Rate this comment: +34

Jul 30, 2010
4:02 pm

#27 Stretch65 :

#13 ISUS Good! but be sure to wear your Unicrn hoodie to look extra whimbsicle

Rate this comment: +7

Jul 30, 2010
4:17 pm

#28 methuselah :

I find kiddie beauty pageants scarier than this thing, but I’m totally with you on staying in the house.
Went out today, heard this exchange behind me in line:

“His daddy died, he don’t even know.”
“Mmm.”
“His daddy died, he don’t even know.”
“Mmmhmm”
“His daddy died, he don’t know it.”
“Yass”
“His father passed away.” (spoken as an aside, as if to illuminate her earlier statements)
“…”
“Nobody told him his daddy passed on.”

Makes me want to grocery shop…

Rate this comment: +23

Jul 30, 2010
4:18 pm

#29 methuselah :

…with a flamethrower.

A flamethrower.

Rate this comment: +15

Jul 30, 2010
4:18 pm

#30 LeeLooDallas :

Knittin,

I bought it because, except for the hair color, skin tone, dental abnormalities, raging pink-eye and poor wardrobe: it looks exactly like my own little precious darling.

Why not? They both drink the same stuff.

Don’t judge.

Rate this comment: +28

Jul 30, 2010
4:23 pm

#31 tarabu :

I wonder how the nature vs. nurture scientists would evaluate those of us who look at this and incredulously ask ‘that took you how long?’ and those who proudly give the number of hours and show the scar where they gouged out a bit of thumb flesh carving those teeth from a piece of squirrel bone found on the side of the road (or similar macabre object that adds whimbecilic charm).

Rate this comment: +11

Jul 30, 2010
4:27 pm

#32 HelenaHandbasket :

The only hopeful sign is that the miscreant who bought it might have done so to ease the sorrow of not actually being able to spawn an ogre of their own.

Rate this comment: +17

Jul 30, 2010
4:35 pm

#33 someone spacial :

shit like this makes me feel stabby.

just checked out a few other reborn listings on ebay for the hell of it and saw one with 18 bids currently up to $1,046. are people paying this much money because it’s ‘art’ or do they really want a baby that badly? because that’s about $1,026 more than just going down to the animal shelter and adopting a cat.

Rate this comment: +32

Jul 30, 2010
4:40 pm

#34 sudabaki©®™ Esq., L.L.C. (Patent Pending) :

C’mon, if the seller was a real Twilight fan she’d know that the baby would have some stupid fucking mashup of a name that combined Jasper and Alice, or something equally lame.

Rate this comment: +33

Jul 30, 2010
4:43 pm

#35 mamasaid :

Like AspLice.

Rate this comment: +88

Jul 30, 2010
4:51 pm

#36 LeeLooDallas :

Mama – hahahaha!

Rate this comment: +6

Jul 30, 2010
5:01 pm

#37 Danielle Sheridan :

Hmmm, the baby has fangs and is pretty disturbing, and you call her nail varnish scary?

Rate this comment: +4

Jul 30, 2010
5:05 pm

#38 WhyLikeThis :

everyone involved in the creation and purchase of this hideous…THING belongs in a special home where they are kept away from any potentially sharp, blunt or projectile objects and not allowed to communicate with the outside world at all.
also they should be neutered
for their own good

somebody please make it go away

Rate this comment: +12

Jul 30, 2010
5:13 pm

#39 Miss_Mercurial :

I am so, SO siccing Buffy on this thing. Quick, someone get ahold of the genius who made the Buffy vs. Edward video, and get them to do one of her staking the shit out of it. On the other hand…send Faith after it. She knows how to torture more properly.
P.S. The doll collector in me is angered, GREATLY angered at the waste of what was probably a perfectly nice baby doll.

Rate this comment: +13

Jul 30, 2010
5:48 pm

#40 dcoyote :

Why isn’t it covered in glitter?

Rate this comment: +53

Jul 30, 2010
5:57 pm

#41 raven :

Is this what happens when vampire babies are born in daylight?

Rate this comment: +9

Jul 30, 2010
6:21 pm

#42 AWESOME :

I showed this to my 7 year old son and said “Isn’t this a cute little baby?” His response? “Ugh, that isn’t a baby, it’s a wicked dumb ugly doll. And any kid that wants to play with that thing is freaking craaazy.” I think he summed it pretty well.

Rate this comment: +46

Jul 30, 2010
6:26 pm

#43 LadyGrey :

“That’s what’s out there people, and that’s why I don’t leave my house unless I have to.”

HA, Amen! On the other hand, gotta love Etsy for all the comedy gold

Rate this comment: +11

Jul 30, 2010
6:43 pm

#44 shakyshake :

From another listing by the same seller:

“HE HAS A MAGNETIC PACIFIER WITH A MAGNET INSIDE HIS MOUTH SO CAUTION SHOULD BE TAKEN AROUND PACEMAKERS AND ELECTRONICS.”

SHE DIED DOING WHAT SHE LOVED–CRADLING A CREEPY-ASS FAKE BABY THAT COST $150

IF ONLY SHE HAD KNOWN ABOUT FUCKIN’ MAGNETS, AND HOW DO THEY WORK AROUND PACEMAKERS AND SHIT

Rate this comment: +40

Jul 30, 2010
6:44 pm

#45 Radical Militant Librarian :

Kill it. Kill it now. (I hear chopping its head off and setting fire to the remains is particularly effective….)

Rate this comment: +11

Jul 30, 2010
7:05 pm

#46 StringTheory101 :

WTF those pussy-ass Twilight “vampires” don’t even have fangs. And vampires can’t have babies. *spoiler* (not that it matters b/c everyone who gave 2 shits about Twilight already read Breaking Dawn) the only reason Bella & Edward squeezed out some kind of demon spawn was b/c Bella was still human when they did the nasty. *end spoiler* If you’re going make crap based off an overhyped fandom in a desperate attempt to make money off the ignorant, get the details right.

Rate this comment: +22

Jul 30, 2010
7:10 pm

#47 knittin-kitten :

dcoyote is right, there’s no glitter! This is outrageous, selling a counterfit vampire reborn baby doll!

On the upside, no one’s made a werewolf reborn baby doll. Although, now I’ve said it………………………………..

Rate this comment: +15

Jul 30, 2010
7:34 pm

#48 eri059 :

I think she was actually going for Chuckie’s love child, but then realized the Twilight market was too full of morons to pass up, so she changed the name.

Hey now, let’s not assume the person who bought it is insane. Maybe they wanted to get the thing away from its maker and perform an exorcism.

Rate this comment: +12

Jul 30, 2010
7:36 pm

#49 eri059 :

Please note, that was spoken as a Twilight fan … but not a preteen or middle-aged retard who wants to fuck a dead 100-year-old

Rate this comment: +3

Jul 30, 2010
7:56 pm

#50 aroseisarose :

Jeebus Price…give me David Caruso!

Rate this comment: +2

Jul 30, 2010
7:58 pm

#51 aroseisarose :

And @42 StringTheory101: Way to spoil me! (Psyche, I haven’t (brought myself to) read it, but I know enough about what’s going on. Renesmee…*shudder)

Rate this comment: +1

Jul 30, 2010
8:17 pm

#52 mnemonides :

#42 StringTheory101: Oh, dear god, reading your post I immediately thought “wait, I thought Bella and Edward were stuck not doing anything because he was such a priss…” and then I was appalled because I apparently knew that much. I’m not sure how to purge this monstrous evil from my brain….

Rate this comment: +14

Jul 30, 2010
8:17 pm

#53 quantuminsanity :

what disturbs me more than the fact that it has fangs is that it looks like it’s eyes have been gouged out and the sockets haven’t really healed yet…

Rate this comment: +13

Jul 30, 2010
8:40 pm

#54 Vile & Evil Debbie Downer :

This is the ‘breathtaking’ baby from Seinfeld.

Rate this comment: +35

Jul 30, 2010
9:20 pm

#55 kittykatt :

The doll’s creator and the fake infant formula gal got together and made….this….

Rate this comment: +6

Jul 30, 2010
11:00 pm

#56 cosmic :

Now if they could make an alien

Rate this comment: +5

Jul 30, 2010
11:15 pm

#57 faunablues :

this actually looks like the baby version of bat boy.

Rate this comment: +7

Jul 30, 2010
11:20 pm

#58 thegoodnaysayer :

“Hey yooou guuuys!” Seriously, this…thing…reminds me of Sloth from The Goonies. What’s with all these “reborn” babies with the fugly scrunched up faces? I thought it was a well established fact that babies were the cutest when asleep.

Rate this comment: +8

Jul 31, 2010
12:34 am

#59 elvishkat :

You guys need to search ‘possessed’ or ‘ghost’ and the word ‘doll’ on ebay. Thank me later.

Rate this comment: +6

Jul 31, 2010
5:53 am

#60 willandwont :

I got nothing witty. Just NO!

Rate this comment: +2

Jul 31, 2010
7:19 am

#61 Steampunk Jewelry :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -18

Jul 31, 2010
9:13 am

#62 Mistletoe :

#49 eri059 :
“Please note, that was spoken as a Twilight fan … but not a preteen or middle-aged retard who wants to fuck a dead 100-year-old”

I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to be a little more specific as to the difference for me.

Rate this comment: +10

Jul 31, 2010
1:32 pm

#63 lillyjacks :

Why is this making my nipples hurt?

Rate this comment: +17

Jul 31, 2010
3:04 pm

#64 zenwaitress :

Amen Sister April! I have to leave my house and go work a 12 hour shift, but I’m coming right back home. I’m not even stopping for a latte. I’m srsly scared. Can I call you when I get there so you know I’m okay? We have to stick together, apparently. Ooooh baby baby it’s a wild world.

Rate this comment: +5

Jul 31, 2010
5:40 pm

#65 eri059 :

#59 elvishkat:

I like to laugh, so I followed your instructions, and I just have 1 question.

Why is the only feedback left on “possessed” dolls … “Thanks, fast shipping” ?!?!?!

Thanks for sending this haunted doll to me super quickly?! What … the …

Rate this comment: +13

Jul 31, 2010
7:08 pm

#66 siriusimagery :

I don’t know which is worse. The fact I had no clue wtf reborning was or the fact that I just wasted 10 minutes of my life reading an entire wiki article on it. 10 minutes I can never get back!

Rate this comment: +9

Jul 31, 2010
9:03 pm

#67 EmpressBarb :

As a health professional I can honestly say this is the worst case of pink eye I have ever seen.

Rate this comment: +8

Jul 31, 2010
9:23 pm

#68 Chaosrules :

Take away the fucked up ugliness of this thing and just think about the concept as a whole– a twilight baby who drinks blood for you to love in all it’s fake glory — Jesus! It makes me wonder about the future of humanity. An asteroid looks pretty good about now.

Rate this comment: +4

Aug 1, 2010
12:17 am

#69 Vile & Evil Debbie Downer :

Saturday Night Fuckery – When Bella has a baby that looks like this, questions must be asked:

Rate this comment: +35

Aug 1, 2010
5:30 am

#70 eri059 :

#69, looks like someone beat you to it …

http://cgi.ebay.com/OOAK-BABY-GORILLA-MONKEY-SCULPT-DOLL-REBORN-NO-RESERVE-/230504033423?cmd=ViewItem&pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item35ab1c6c8f

… srsly.

Rate this comment: +7

Aug 1, 2010
7:44 am

#71 LeeLooDallas :

Omg, eri – that gorilla has a PEARL EARRING!!!

Oh I loved that movie! – HK

Rate this comment: +7

Aug 1, 2010
8:38 am

#72 WhyLikeThis :

Holy Crap Debbie Downer!
you’ve done the impossible…
you made this thing much, much, better
now I want your version of it.

Rate this comment: +6

Aug 1, 2010
12:44 pm

#73 Vile & Evil Debbie Downer :

Another ‘Gorilla With A Pearl Earring’:
http://www.robertoparada.com/gallery4/gorilla.html

Rate this comment: +4

Aug 1, 2010
4:38 pm

#74 Mistletoe :

OK, VEDD? Do you have a website? Because I’d seriously spend a lot of time there if you did.

Rate this comment: +4

Aug 1, 2010
5:09 pm

#75 Jenni Mae :

As a dental assistant, I am personally offended by the incorrect placement of the cuspids.

Rate this comment: +9

Aug 1, 2010
6:10 pm

#76 Vile & Evil Debbie Downer :

I’m workin’ on it, Mistletoe. Forgot everything I had learned about coding and am re-learning from scratch. The last computer language I learned before HTML was Basic.

Yeah.

Rate this comment: +2

Aug 1, 2010
7:34 pm

#77 PussDaddy :

For the record my cat Jasper had nothing to do with this monstrosity and he kicks dirt on it.

Rate this comment: +2

Aug 1, 2010
8:51 pm

#78 UncleMax :

Where is van Helsing when you need him?
I bet those teeth won’t stay in for long – can you get a refund if you unborn reborn defangs while you’re cuddling it?

Rate this comment: +4

Aug 1, 2010
11:53 pm

#79 creepydolls :

My vampire baby is cuter.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/37881052/lifesize-vampire-baby-in-pink-stripes

Rate this comment: +5

Aug 2, 2010
10:48 am

#80 knittin-kitten :

VEDD!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE MY HERO! please make a website so I can visit it!

Creepydolls-your vampire baby is way cuter than hers. Maybe you could make a bumper sticker to commemorate it. My reborn vampire human IS cuter than yours!

Rate this comment: 0

Aug 2, 2010
10:49 am

#81 knittin-kitten :

That’s supposed to be: my reborn vampire/human baby IS cuter than yours!

Sorry, in all the excitement I forgot how to type.

Rate this comment: 0

Aug 2, 2010
12:44 pm

#82 cosey mae :

Excuse me but I would assume the only way you could make a vampire baby is to turn a real baby into one (which would be awful as you’d be changing dirty diapers for all eternity). But the obvious “genius” that is Stephanie Meyer has Bella and Eddie conceive because once Bella is a vampire she can’t get preggers (yet Edward can knock her up when he’s been dead for decades), Do eggs die off but sperm keeps living long after death? Did Stephanie Meyer ever attend a sex ed class?

Rate this comment: +3