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WTF Alchemy Request

Posted by Helen Killer

64 comments

Filed in WTF Alchemy Request 64 comments

64 Comments

Add Comment

Jul 27, 2010
1:32 pm

#1 Recovering Crack Baby :

How about a helmet for safety and a short bus to get you around in? Armour for a pancreas?????

Rate this comment: +37

Jul 27, 2010
1:34 pm

#2 amber e :

I don’t even know this dude, and I already want to punch him in the pancreas.

Rate this comment: +258

Jul 27, 2010
1:35 pm

#3 emoney7 :

i, too, would like to punch this guy in the pancreas.

Rate this comment: +47

Jul 27, 2010
1:35 pm

#4 Recovering Crack Baby :

If I make the armour…do I get first punch at your 13 inches????

Rate this comment: +14

Jul 27, 2010
1:36 pm

#5 curlytopnola :

are you sure it’s your pancreas that people most want to punch?

Rate this comment: +49

Jul 27, 2010
1:36 pm

#6 Recovering Crack Baby :

Buy a bullet proof vest and walk around with your helmet on in a bubble and nobody will ever get near enough to do anything to you.

Rate this comment: +18

Jul 27, 2010
1:37 pm

#7 curlytopnola :

i’d say about $10.00 worth of bubble wrap should suffice.

Rate this comment: +50

Jul 27, 2010
1:38 pm

#8 LeeLooDallas :

The gall of some people.

Rate this comment: +236

Jul 27, 2010
1:40 pm

#9 curlytopnola :

must it be metal? would consider tupperware of any kind? i mean, they make everything, those guys.
do you feel that it’s because you are canadian? people’s urges to hit your pancreas, i mean.
i’m no doctor and really couldn’t tell ya where in the body the pancreas resides. i guess THAT would be good to know first.

i am fascinated by this mentality.

Rate this comment: +28

Jul 27, 2010
1:41 pm

#10 amber e :

#7, curlytopnola, I bet that would sound great too!

You’d want to punch him again and again….

Rate this comment: +14

Jul 27, 2010
1:41 pm

#11 LeeLooDallas :

Could somebody knit me a kidney cozy?

Rate this comment: +137

Jul 27, 2010
1:42 pm

#12 Recovering Crack Baby :

Don’t fuck around wasting your time and money on protection.Just buy a new one from China when your old one gets knocked out. Spring for a Kidney or Liver while you are at it, start fresh.

Rate this comment: +22

Jul 27, 2010
1:45 pm

#13 WhyLikeThis :

the mind simply boggles
how does this person intend to put it on?

Rate this comment: +13

Jul 27, 2010
1:48 pm

#14 trousers rolled :

Does seller think this will get through customs? And not earn him a CIA dossier?

I don’t often get to use the word dossier, so I went for it.

Rate this comment: +59

Jul 27, 2010
1:49 pm

#15 knittin-kitten :

This is so ridiculous I would pay him $10 to let me punch him in the pancreas.

@#11LeelooDallas – get me your kidney measurements and I’ll whip one up!

Rate this comment: +22

Jul 27, 2010
1:49 pm

#16 cappysue :

I wonder if this is the start of gathering evidence to prove your nuts and get what ever Canada has as disability or some thing. If not I hope this person finds a pancreas puncher prior to arrival of this super sized belt buckle that they are after.

Rate this comment: +6

Jul 27, 2010
1:51 pm

#17 Wilma Fingerdoo :

Perhaps the James Frey book, A Million Little Pieces? I know that was an Oprah Book Club recommendation. Maybe not the best title for protective pancreas armor. Maybe he’d be better off with a Taser Bookmark.

Rate this comment: +16

Jul 27, 2010
1:52 pm

#18 Patty got abducted by a Steampunk Alien :

Why not just get rid of the pancreas altogether and get a metal one? Don’t go halfway, be a man, man!

I’m a chick and I’ve got a metal knee joint. I’m so badass that nobody knows what to do with me.

That’s right, I’m badass.

And steampunk.

Rate this comment: +49

Jul 27, 2010
1:52 pm

#19 LeeLooDallas :

Knittin – you rock!

Rate this comment: +2

Jul 27, 2010
2:02 pm

#20 knittin-kitten :

Thanks Leeloodallas!

I did a little research on the pancreas and think the seller should just ducktape a trade paperback copy of The Pillars of the Earth to his abdomen.

Rate this comment: +23

Jul 27, 2010
2:06 pm

#21 plutorealm :

Whoa, buddy, 13 inches? Sorry, but I think you’re compensating.

Rate this comment: +46

Jul 27, 2010
2:09 pm

#22 AreYouGoingToEatThatPickle :

Once again, I feel obliged to point out that not all Canucks are Fucktards.

*hangs head in shame*

You believe me a little less every time I say it, don’t you?

Rate this comment: +101

Jul 27, 2010
2:11 pm

#23 Patty got abducted by a Steampunk Alien :

I got to wonder… how does this person KNOW that his pancreas is “about 13cm in length”. Is he guessing? Did he do an internal investigation of his own? Google?

How does one find out the length of their pancreas?

Rate this comment: +13

Jul 27, 2010
2:21 pm

#24 FootofCanal :

So thats what Tony Howard meant by “demonised and vilified”.

Rate this comment: +7

Jul 27, 2010
2:22 pm

#25 pplrdum :

“Serious inquiries only”

Trust me dude; we are ALL serious when we inquire: WTF??

Rate this comment: +94

Jul 27, 2010
2:24 pm

#26 Magickal Fuckery :

This request made me grin like a ninny.

Rate this comment: +15

Jul 27, 2010
2:32 pm

#27 IscreamUscream :

Apparently, pancreas punchings slipped by Canada’s healthcare system

Rate this comment: +20

Jul 27, 2010
2:40 pm

#28 AreYouGoingToEatThatPickle :

LOL @#25 ISUS: Our Prime Minister was playing pocket pool with Bush for so long that a lot of the funding for health care was cut… so things like Kidney cozy’s and Pancreas armour, we have to pay for ourselves now!

Rate this comment: +20

Jul 27, 2010
2:44 pm

#29 redredred :

Upon the discovery of this pancreas armor, oh Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-As-Sir-Lancelot, would not the people performing this abuse instead decide to punch some unprotected organ? Like one of the kidneys, for example? Or perhaps a liver shot?

Rate this comment: +27

Jul 27, 2010
3:01 pm

#30 Vile & Evil Debbie Downer :

BRB. I’m wrapping a hardcover copy of The Road in foil and making a duct tape harness.

Rate this comment: +20

Jul 27, 2010
3:08 pm

#31 redredred :

#28 Vile & Evil Debbie Downer: The image of someone utilizing your device to protect their pancreas from imminent attack had me cracking up.

Rate this comment: +8

Jul 27, 2010
3:20 pm

#32 coolpauper :

This guy is obviously a Weird Al Yankovic fan…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtsQxUYHXbw

Rate this comment: +6

Jul 27, 2010
3:38 pm

#33 Stretch65 :

Getting Punched in the Pancreas is the leading cause of Type 3 Diabetes while the punched pancreas comes in at number two with Type I Cryabeetus.
Just ask Wilford Brimley.
Now you can even ask Alan Thicke.

Rate this comment: +22

Jul 27, 2010
3:51 pm

#34 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

HAHAHA!! Sucker!

I guarantee you that this guy will stand proudly with his pancreas armor while he gets a swift kick in the nuts!

Rate this comment: +26

Jul 27, 2010
4:20 pm

#35 Vile & Evil Debbie Downer :

Knittin-kitten, sorry! Didn’t mean to rip off your plan for the Pancreas Protector® Now with Duct Tape™ (Patent Pending).

Rate this comment: +12

Jul 27, 2010
4:37 pm

#36 eldatari :

It reminds me of Encino Man, when Pauly Shore cries out, “Ouch, my pancreas!” There’s an underground market for these things.

Rate this comment: +7

Jul 27, 2010
4:40 pm

#37 steviesegel :

Is this the latest treatment for cryabetes? A metal cover for your pancreas?

Rate this comment: +7

Jul 27, 2010
4:41 pm

#38 miss_naughty :

I am very tempted to bid on this – send this guy an empty can of SpaghettiOs and a note saying instructions on how to install the armor will be an additional $500,000 American Dollars.

Rate this comment: +13

Jul 27, 2010
4:53 pm

#39 rumi monger :

i thought one of the tags said amour.

Rate this comment: +5

Jul 27, 2010
5:07 pm

#40 abimar :

sorry, I only have slightly used ovary armour.

Rate this comment: +16

Jul 27, 2010
5:14 pm

#41 knittin-kitten :

@#35VEDD-once again, great minds think alike. I only chose Pillars of the Earth because it’s set in medieval England. Waaaaa laaaaaa! Armor included in the book.

Rate this comment: +6

Jul 27, 2010
5:14 pm

#42 HelenaHandbasket :

I believe protective devices of the sort he seeks are usually fashioned of tinfoil.

Rate this comment: +15

Jul 27, 2010
5:15 pm

#43 MAG :

*looking through my armor patterns*

Let’s see, Stomach, gallbladder, testicles, kidneys, Appendix, uvula…hmmm

Honey, did you move my Pancreas Armor Pattern AGAIN!”

Rate this comment: +22

Jul 27, 2010
5:17 pm

#44 Cosmic Yuk :

Well, I was going to comment on this request……..until I ran across this one: http://www.etsy.com/alchemy/request.php?id=238554

Rate this comment: +5

Jul 27, 2010
5:20 pm

#45 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

“several individuals have indicated that they wish to punch me in the pancreas”

More likely what they ACTUALLY said was:

“I want to punch in your punk ass!”

Rate this comment: +9

Jul 27, 2010
5:21 pm

#46 batontwirler1 :

Since he knows how big his pancreas is, how about using The Measure of a Man by Sidney Poitier (2007 Oprah Book Club).

Rate this comment: +7

Jul 27, 2010
5:23 pm

#47 mommy2caitlyn :

As a fellow Canadian, I hang my head in shame. :/ We have some real doozies up here. I believe he has had one too many Budwieser’s and perhaps some good ol’ fashioned BC Bud along with it. Though, I will keep my eyes open for Pancreas Armour Man roaming the streets and be sure to send pictures! Wowza – what a piece of cake…

Rate this comment: +7

Jul 27, 2010
5:26 pm

#48 batontwirler1 :

Or:

As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner (maybe if the “armour” doesn’t get to him in time before the dreaded punching starts)

or:

Fall on Your Knees by Ann-Marie MacDonald (again probably more appropriate for after the punching)

Rate this comment: +6

Jul 27, 2010
5:28 pm

#49 thecatsmeow :

I will make you your pancreas armour and I will hand deliver it and punch you in your face. For $10.

Rate this comment: +9

Jul 27, 2010
5:36 pm

#50 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

This guy is lucky. I grew up in the tough part of town.

The bullies wouldn’t bother with the pancreas.

They went straight for the duodenum.

Rate this comment: +23

Jul 27, 2010
5:50 pm

#51 texastigerlily :

Now, I think this guy is having us on. It could even be a girl. It COULD be a Regretsy fan.

Rate this comment: +10

Jul 27, 2010
5:52 pm

#52 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

#51 texastigerlily

You mean you really think that someone doesn’t need a pancreas protector?

Rate this comment: +10

Jul 27, 2010
6:32 pm

#53 nickiefrye :

A pancreas protector is SO last season. For Fall you need a full suit of armor. Add a helmet for winter.

Rate this comment: +7

Jul 27, 2010
6:35 pm

#54 Mookie :

I’m STILL so baffled, that I have yet to pick my jaw up off the floor.

Rate this comment: +3

Jul 27, 2010
7:06 pm

#55 VagtasticSteampunkSPRHRO :

So, I had my gall bladder removed, and I was wondering if you might be able to forge a steel one for me? Like surgical steel, that would be great. I don’t need it to replace the old one, no, I just need to throw it at the back of some guys head.

Rate this comment: +10

Jul 27, 2010
8:50 pm

#56 EmpressBarb :

Dude, an actual book from Oprah’s book club would cost you more than $10. Cheap bastard.

Rate this comment: +6

Jul 27, 2010
9:29 pm

#57 supposedlyfun :

If a lot of people are threatening to punch you in the pancreas, chances are you deserve to be punched in the pancreas.

Rate this comment: +10

Jul 27, 2010
11:20 pm

#58 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

Hey! I got a $10 solution.

STOP PISSING PEOPLE OFF!!!

It is a great way to protect yourself.

Rate this comment: +6

Jul 28, 2010
3:20 am

#59 bastetsscarabee :

WHAAAAT??!! Do you think you get an open-stomach surgeon with that price, too???!!! That armour is impossible to put around your pancreas without splitting your tummy up.

And what sort of “individuals” are they that want to punch you in the pancreas? Surgeons? Other people (I guess) don´t even have a clue where pancreas lies.

Rate this comment: +5

Jul 28, 2010
3:41 am

#60 PussDaddy :

Why not just punch him in the face instead?

Rate this comment: +4

Jul 29, 2010
10:57 am

#61 MonstersFromTheID :

#29 redredred :
“Upon the discovery of this pancreas armor, oh Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-As-Sir-Lancelot, would not the people performing this abuse instead decide to punch some unprotected organ?”

His most unprotected organ seems to be his brain..

Rate this comment: +1

Jul 29, 2010
11:09 am

#62 YoungRL :

This is the best thing I’ve ever read.

Rate this comment: +1

Jul 29, 2010
11:28 am

#63 Alex :

This sounds exactly like “Ted L. Nancy” of the Letters From A Nut books. The randomness, the obsessive specificity, the wandering off into odd details – it’s his style exactly.

Rate this comment: 0

Jul 29, 2010
5:53 pm

#64 mamasaid :

Some people think their inside jokes are funny enough to translate into a variety of contexts.

Well, they aren’t. Ever.

Rate this comment: 0