- Click the image to read the whole column

Holy hell, it’s up.

A few months ago, I mentioned that I had been hired by Conde Nast to write a wedding column. I guess they figured I’ve already ruined crafting for you, why not ruin your wedding?

Well it’s up today, as part of the newly relaunched and retooled Brides.com.

Let me know what you think!

“Hi, this is Michael Jackson’s personality. Thanks for trapping me in this hideous fucking painting. Who wouldn’t want to spend eternity looking like a cross between Rhea Perlman and Marla Gibbs? And you really captured that famous purple and red outfit I wore in that video, what was it called, oh yes – I Never Wore This Outfit. By the way, nice touch with the purple belt thing between my legs. Is that supposed to be my penis? Very funny. You know I had birthmarks.”