Here Comes the Snide
- Click the image to read the whole column
Holy hell, it’s up.
A few months ago, I mentioned that I had been hired by Conde Nast to write a wedding column. I guess they figured I’ve already ruined crafting for you, why not ruin your wedding?
Well it’s up today, as part of the newly relaunched and retooled Brides.com.
Let me know what you think!
June 28, 2010 at 1:00 pm
” I still get misty thinking about the sucking sound the pump made as we pledged to love each other for about three and a half years.”
AHAHAHAHA!!Fantastic stuff.
June 28, 2010 at 1:02 pm
ohgodohgod..
When my dad and stepmom got married (I was 3 at the time) on the beach, barefoot and all, “The Rose” was what played before the ceremony from a cheap Casio boombox while my soon-to-be stepsister and I signed the whole damn song.
I can still do it to this day. How to do I know? Last April was their 30th anniversary and even though my stepsister thoroughly hates me (I think it’s because I don’t have kids) we reenacted the whole tragic scene – down to the yellow sundresses.
June 28, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Exciting news! I will be sure to read them since I just got engaged.
June 28, 2010 at 1:03 pm
Wonderful! I think this is going to be a big hit with the magazine readers. Congratulations!
June 28, 2010 at 1:04 pm
The whole wedding and bride thing has gotten way out of control. Hopefully she will put them in check!
June 28, 2010 at 1:06 pm
brilliant – am looking forward to your adventures!
June 28, 2010 at 1:06 pm
I can’t wait to read about you pissing off a psychic!
June 28, 2010 at 1:06 pm
(cont)
Still, I’m my parent’s child.
My husband and I got married on the beach, at a b&b with a fabulous deck overlooking the ocean. I was barefoot with a $600 dress on. The b&b covered the reception (well, included it in my cost) and it was a fantastic day. 9 1/2 years later, we’re still married and I’ve already picked out my “we’ve been married a decade so I get a better ring” wedding set. Mostly I love him, but a few days ago I wanted to punch him. Such is life.
…
June 28, 2010 at 1:07 pm
That was a fantastic article!
However… “I’m not suggesting you wear sensible shoes to City Hall and have your reception at Sizzler.”
I don’t remember seeing you at my wedding!
June 28, 2010 at 1:08 pm
The piece is great!
Congrats April on the column and the engagement and looking forward to cursing at how everything that even hints at wedding is about 1,0000000000x more expensive.
June 28, 2010 at 1:09 pm
That was a brave and strange decision for Brides.com to make. But I’m looking forward to it!
June 28, 2010 at 1:10 pm
Pity the poor fool who caught that bouquet !
The second time is sure to be a charm.
June 28, 2010 at 1:11 pm
I’ve had my dream wedding planned out for YEARS. No seriously, it’s all planned out.
We go to the courthouse and marry, then it’s off to the park for a huge BBQ with friends and family. If he loves me enough, he’ll allow me to do everything without pulling out my hair in the process. I’m supposed to enjoy marriage, not dread the beginning of it due to all the stress.
Oh, and if he spends more than $100 on a ring, he’s wasting money. I’ll lose the damn thing anyway.
June 28, 2010 at 1:11 pm
That was beautiful. I’m a bitter old divorcee, but this column gives me hope.
June 28, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Well I just faced the Brides registration process to leave you a comment. Now I’ll be getting all kinds of wedding crap in the mail. FOR YOU, APRIL, FOR YOU!!
June 28, 2010 at 1:16 pm
But the wedding is not your marriage. It’s really just the best party you can afford to throw for the people who love you most.
Our wedding started off with “Mawwaige. Mawwiage is what bwings us togevvah, today. Because we figured you guys wouldn’t all show up if we just said it was a party.”
We had buffet style BBQ and a watergun fight, because we figured if it was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, we were going to do our best to make it so.
June 28, 2010 at 1:17 pm
Something tells me this second wedding is not going to be as traditional…
The column is wonderful. I actually signed up for brides dot com so I could say that there, and give it the max number of stars.
June 28, 2010 at 1:17 pm
Let me tell you, your wedding is not the worst. A few years ago I went to a co-worker’s wedding. Here are the highlights:
- Out is the middle of nowhere – outdoors in front of a non finished house.
- Bride was wearing a flaming red dress
- The FIL was wearing a racoon hat and he may had a rifle
- if it was food , the wild creatures got it
- 24 hours later I found out that chiggers got me and I finished on the ER because i was allergic and all the bites were infected.
June 28, 2010 at 1:18 pm
I can’t believe two universes have collided: Regretsy and my own life. My daughter might, just might, be getting engaged soon. Her boyfriend is in the wedding venue business. I sent her the link immediately. I think she’ll love it, and I know I’ll be reading every month!!
June 28, 2010 at 1:19 pm
We had an Elvis wedding in Vegas (I was in a truly lovely $100 eBay gown, Joe wore a rental tux) . followed by hitting the buffet at the Luxor. It was the happiest day of my life. The only thing I’d change would be the buffet. The Rio had much better food.
June 28, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Love it. I’m pleased with anyone taking on the marital-industrial complex, and I’m with Calophi on looking forward to hearing about you pissing off a psychic.
It was handy in my own case that I was marrying a Dutch guy. People would ask me “Are you going to do ?” and I’d just say “Oh, the Dutch don’t do that.” Which was generally true. If you throw rice there, you get a cleanup bill from the city.
June 28, 2010 at 1:26 pm
I went to a wedding where the servers pronounced the wine as “MerLOT”.
Don’t be jealous, haters.
June 28, 2010 at 1:26 pm
Loved it! Thanks for posting- all bridal magazines are like kryptonite for me.
My favorite wedding memory was the wild donkeys that wandered onto the beach during our ceremony. Even today, my husband and I like to tease that there was more than one ass on the beach that day. Ahh love…
June 28, 2010 at 1:30 pm
my ‘caterer’ licked the icing from her fingers as she cut and served the cake. Classy, ‘eh?
(a friend immediately stepped in and took over)
June 28, 2010 at 1:30 pm
I love everyone’s wedding stories!
June 28, 2010 at 1:31 pm
The photographer at my wedding was wearing a blinding bronze thong.
Ask me how I know!
June 28, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Leeloo! I got a panty shot of MY photographer too!!
June 28, 2010 at 1:32 pm
My bride was late for the wedding. Swears it was not her fault.
19 years later and she’s still late for everything and it’s never her fault.
June 28, 2010 at 1:33 pm
We want PICTURES!!!!
June 28, 2010 at 1:33 pm
I wore sneakers to City Hall.
June 28, 2010 at 1:34 pm
Oohh Brides.com are a sneaky bunch. No way would I go to their site–until now! Whomever hired you is a marketing genius, because you are cynic bait. Love, love, love everything about this.
June 28, 2010 at 1:35 pm
The DJ cut off my dance with my dad right in the middle, and we had to start over.
“Caterer” ran out of food. My grandparents had to eat fried chicken.
Hall overbooked, and hubby and I were there til 1 am cleaning up!
My divorced parents got in a fight in the parking lot
I could go on and on, but let’s let others share *their* magical memories…
June 28, 2010 at 1:35 pm
“bullshit hats” = AWESOME wedding gift.
June 28, 2010 at 1:37 pm
#26 LeeLooDallas : Of COURSE we want to know. At least I do. We didn’t have a photographer. We gave everyone disposable cameras and get one developed every anniversary, so I have no idea what it means to have professionalish wedding pictures.
June 28, 2010 at 1:42 pm
I’m on my 3rd and final marriage. (the city hall one). Wedding #1 was the big affair with 200 of my mother’s friends from Temple who “owed” her from the plethora of Bar Mitzvahs she attended over the years. I was permitted a dozen of my own friends, and I think the groom’s family were permitted about 20 or so of them.
Wedding #2 was paid for by me and ex-to-be; we did a nice outdoor thing “Quaker style” (no clergy – wrote our own vows), with a friend just out of catering school
June 28, 2010 at 1:43 pm
#26 LeeLooDallas : The photographer at my wedding was wearing a blinding bronze thong.
Ask me how I know!
WELL…….. HOW DID YOU KNOW?
June 28, 2010 at 1:44 pm
(continued) we were her first gig – gave us the thing for cost of food. The DJ tried to play “You can’t always get what you want” for our first dance. I stalked off the dance floor (the video of this is hilarious). I’m amazed the marriage lasted the 8 years it did.
the last wedding occurred because I told the universe “I’m never getting married again – unless I’m knocked up”. Gotta be careful with crap like that.
June 28, 2010 at 1:46 pm
(continued) We eloped to city hall a couple of states away (where they didn’t require waiting or blood tests) and I wore sneakers and looked like a pregnant waitress. The Justice of the Peace was wearing a “Go Phillies” button. We’ve been together for over 17 years now.
June 28, 2010 at 1:46 pm
The writing was amazing, so when are you gonna marry the Bronc-Ster and where so we can send some decorative fuckery? You can’t lie to people like us…you have seen the shit we are capable of digging up.
June 28, 2010 at 1:48 pm
congrats, april!
i really enjoy your writing style…i will be first in line when your autobiography comes out!
btw, that is a very cute portrait of you, too…you look so professional and like a little snarky smarty pants ♥
June 28, 2010 at 1:48 pm
We got engaged in September, planned wedding for January- 3.5 months. (He was away at grad school, so we didn’t want to be separated any longer than that.) Got married in my small town, at the church I grew up in. It’s a dry town. The reception was at the Best Western Ballroom – one of the best venues in time, no lie. My parents (the Baptists) wouldn’t even let us have champagne at the wedding. Or dancing. After a huge fight, they let us have champagne PUNCH. Oh, and the only day we…
June 28, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Brilliant! I did the big wedding thing the first time and it lasted 2 1/2 years. The second time we eloped – went away for the weekend with friends and told no one except our parents. I wore a clearance $130 wedding dress and we barhopped afterwards because our friends had been bartenders in the town we went to and they knew like all the people that worked at the bars. We got tons of free drinks and my husband threw up on our wedding night. Really romantic….
June 28, 2010 at 1:50 pm
could get the church, on such short notice, was a Sunday. When the Sunday came, the Dallas Cowboys were in the playoffs, so half of our RSVP’s didn’t attend. But… we’re still happily married, 17 years later. (and they were paying for it, anyway). And now we drink whenever the hell we feel like it.
Oh, and when my sister got married, 6 years later, they were SO HAPPY just to see her married… that she got an out of town venue, a full band, and an open bar.
June 28, 2010 at 1:51 pm
But we’ve managed to stay married for 20 years, so I guess it worked out pretty well.
June 28, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Oops, got so carried away about my wedding I forgot to say that I look forward to reading your escapades in the wedding planning venues over the next few months! It will be awesome.
June 28, 2010 at 1:53 pm
I got married at the ripe old age of 19 (which isn’t so far behind me) I had plans for a pretty wedding, and they got smashed by my MIL… I got married because my boyfriend of 6 years was now a Marine. I wanted to go to the courthouse and then be done until a later date, when we could have more than, oh, a week to plan the thing. I hated it so bad, I don’t even remember the date of the horrid event. But I don’t speak to my MIL anymore, so it’s the best gift ever.
June 28, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Well the story’s not THAT good.
I just wondered why every man at the wedding (except my new husband) was standing behind her while she squatted on the lawn of the church to take my picture.
Girl, put some granny panties on. This is MY special day to wear a bronze thong!
June 28, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Oh THANK CHRIST. One of my friends thought a great practical joke would be to get me a subscription to BRIDES magazine 2 years after I got married (I’m an anti-bride. Read all about it in Sasee mag: http://sasee.com/2009/09/01/the-wedding-i-never-dreamed-of/) and it’s just torturous. Finally there’s at least ONE reason to pay any attention to that whole gang over there. Thanks for making it salvageable. I hope they’re paying you tons.
June 28, 2010 at 1:57 pm
Wedding memories, sigh. Here’s the highlights of mine:
!. Eve of wedding 3am-groom to be comes home with baseball size lump on forehead because the stripper accidentally kicked him in the head
2. Best man gets food poisoning at bachelor party, can’t make it to wedding
3. Wedding ceremony at city hall is “accidentally” cancelled by “someone” (to this day the person responsible has not come forward. I know who you are)
4. Groom manages to reschedule wedding (Damn.)
5. I hesitate…
June 28, 2010 at 1:57 pm
Great article! I look forward to reading your column for the next year. Seriously, so many treat the wedding as the be all, end all. It’s just one day…marriage takes fucking work! My husband and I were both 20 when we married and we’ve learned everything the hard way and grown up together along the way. Can I just say now at 31, you don’t know SHIT when you’re 20.
However I have no complaints. Is it going to last forever? Who knows, but I’m in it for the long haul.
June 28, 2010 at 1:59 pm
I can’t wait for the reality show: “April Getting Married?”
June 28, 2010 at 2:00 pm
to say ” I do” (for about 40 seconds.)
6. At the reception his mother refuses to eat anything due to her “diet”. Causes enormous feud between families.
Marriage lasted for 7 years. (how biblical.) Refuse to do this ever again.
June 28, 2010 at 2:01 pm
#46 LeeLooDallas : My Father-in-Law and myself took wedding photo’s for my good friends. I arranged her dress and had to bend over to do it and unknown to me about 5 guys took pics of my ass, hey I was 22-135 pounds and 5’8″. Those pics got passed around for a year and I came upon one at a guy’s home, Marc, that I was interested in dating.He was in the wedding party and had their wedding pics and oh woops. MY ASS. I was MORTIFIED and that was how I found out about the pics.
June 28, 2010 at 2:03 pm
LOVED the article, April!
Their registration process to comment is ridiculous and insulting, by the way. Don’t care, did it anyway.
June 28, 2010 at 2:04 pm
#48 knittin-kitten : NOBODY CAN TOP MY FRIEND JERRI’S WEDDING…NOT FUCKING KIDDING. She had a guest drop dead from a heart attack in the middle of the ceremony so they stopped the wedding and called an ambulance. Her husband upon finding out there was no bringing her back collapsed and the second ambulance was summoned. Her maid of honor was sick with the flu and not there(which was minor comparing) The third ambulance was summoned at the reception when her grandmother choked on her food.
June 28, 2010 at 2:04 pm
Leftfoot – that’s a great idea about developing the photos every anniv. I wish I’d thought of that!
April – We tried freezing the top of our cake for the first anniv. It tasted terrible. Just eat the cake while it’s fresh.
June 28, 2010 at 2:09 pm
The best part of my wedding is when my mom (who generously paid for our beautiful small wedding) took us both aside and said, “If you get married today, do it for you, not anyone here. Don’t worry about the guests or the money or any of that. If you change your minds, we’ll just have a big party.”
June 28, 2010 at 2:10 pm
#56 LeeLooDallas : it saved us a lot of money and honestly we are such non-romantic people so it’s a great laugh every year to see wtf pictures people took. (our families have twisted senses of humor. dog poo was a recurring theme on one camera. we loved it.)
June 28, 2010 at 2:20 pm
I don’t understand the need for ridiculous weddings. If it’s supposed to be “the best day ever”, then why not at least try to make it comfortable?
Of course, I don’t understand because I’m a dude
Must be it.
June 28, 2010 at 2:21 pm
my husband was giving a heartfelt moment to the camera about his love for me and anticiapting our lives together, and blah blah blah. My (new) cake cutter saved the excess icing on a plate for me and I snuck up on him and smashed it in his face during his lovely speech. I’ve lived the last 4 years in fear of retribution….I know it’s coming.
June 28, 2010 at 2:29 pm
My wedding pet peeve- Sign In Books. Why? Don’t you know I’m coming?
I usually sign in as Wilma Fingerdoo, but sometimes do the Humpter Sisters (Ida and Betty).
June 28, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Forgot to say congratulations to you April. Sorry. Congratulations!
June 28, 2010 at 2:31 pm
I’m loving reading everyone’s wedding stories.
I had a friend who started planning a wedding. Not a huge one, but one with all the traditional fixings. Her mother started getting extremely overbearing about the details and insisting that everything be done how she wanted it. So my friend packed it in and did the city hall thing rather than deal with the aggravation. Can’t say I blame her.
June 28, 2010 at 2:31 pm
I wanted to elope to Vegas and get married by an Elvis impersonator, but the spouse and my mother had other ideas. We had a brief, secular ceremony followed by as much food and drink as we could afford for our guests – which was a lot, as it turned out. My sister snacked on crab rangoon in her hotel way into the early hours. Low-stress but enjoyable. I don’t like people who brag about how cheap *or* expensive a wedding they had; it’s a party, not a competition!
June 28, 2010 at 2:33 pm
And congratulations! Where are my manners today?
I also really, really agree with this:
‘…the wedding is not your marriage. It’s really just the best party you can afford to throw for the people who love you most. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to plan a party.’
June 28, 2010 at 2:34 pm
The story is still way more romantic than my tawdry first wedding tale, which was a cheapo Vegas affair that lasted about as long as it takes to drive from Los Angeles to Las Vegas.
The divorce took longer & was more expensive.
Live & learn!
June 28, 2010 at 2:39 pm
I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that the wedding I posted was my SECOND wedding. The first took place in Las Vegas. With Elvis. It lasted for 6 months exactly. The annulment only took thirty days! Fantastic! Like it never happened!
June 28, 2010 at 2:42 pm
Ditto, #54 on the vegas wedding. We were on our way to find some Elvis chapel and I lost my purse with all my id in it. It was two weeks before Christmas so my mom convinced me a wedding in Montana would be romantic. I’m so glad I did it now. No pro photographer (only my dad who was a serious hobbyist,) a JP and a really beautiful skywalk decorated for xmas. The best part is the memory of my Dad walking me down the aisle, though. Now that he’s gone, I wouldn’t change that for the world.
June 28, 2010 at 2:52 pm
#55 Recovering Crack Baby you are right. No one can top that. Poor bride, groom, and guests at that wedding. Hope they at least have a happy marriage.
June 28, 2010 at 3:06 pm
They are still married and have one girl and are trying for another.
June 28, 2010 at 3:07 pm
OH and they went to Hawaii for their honeymoon and almost everybody tried talking them out of getting on a plane. They went and the plane did not crash. She told me that she could not go to her guest’s funeral as they had it during her honeymoon and that bummed her out.
June 28, 2010 at 3:10 pm
Congratulations to them!
Had a moment of regret there for not keeping either wedding dress. Could have cut them up and made something craftastic out of them to sell on Etsy.
June 28, 2010 at 4:09 pm
So if I mention your big name with my subscription will they give me the I don’t need a Bride magazine but love April discount?
June 28, 2010 at 4:25 pm
April, you are great. Sincerely, so funny. I love Lydia from Pepper Ann and Ms. Finster from Recess, by the way.
June 28, 2010 at 4:59 pm
Congrats April! This article was great too, it’s time someone slapped some sense into the wedding industry!
June 28, 2010 at 5:46 pm
April, congrats! I too am getting married soon in the near future, and you’re absolutely right about wedding planning. I can’t wait for your bridal expo article — there is honestly a lot of crap there that you really dont need. Photo Booth?! Preserve your wedding bouquet?! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
June 28, 2010 at 8:13 pm
this is awesome! I can’t wait for more!!!!!!!!
June 28, 2010 at 8:24 pm
We got married in Las Vegas in a little chapel on the Strip. It was mid-July and I was wearing a huge gown and I was sweating like a field hand. At one point, the photographer had to swab my neck and chest down with a Kleenex because I was sweating so much. We then took a limo ride down the Strip & had photos taken at the Bellagio and at the “Welcome to Las Vegas” sign. It was just my husband and me and we had just the best time. I wouldn’t change a thing, even after 7 years.
June 28, 2010 at 8:32 pm
LOL..Great column…Coincidentally I was in this magazine once too..I won a “how he proposed” contest. My pic was about 1 inch by 1 inch and you had to look real hard to find the story but its worth bragging rights
June 28, 2010 at 8:33 pm
lol RCB I remember Jerri’s wedding.. What a disaster!
June 28, 2010 at 9:58 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
June 29, 2010 at 12:19 am
April Winchell + Bride’s Magazine = Excellent Combination.
must. write. about. the favors.
June 29, 2010 at 12:21 am
Really impressed. That is funny stuff!
Comedy is an art form. April is a pro.
June 29, 2010 at 3:51 am
Oh, LeeLoo, you reminded me… we froze our top tier of the wedding cake for the first wedding – and my dad ate it while we were away on our honeymoon (he left us one tiny piece – I jokingly blamed him for that as the reason the wedding didn’t “take”, but it was really the TV in the bedroom that did us in).
June 29, 2010 at 7:44 am
Ha – Buzz!
June 29, 2010 at 8:28 am
Well done April! And I have to agree with Razberries, you look sexily snarky & superior in the illustration.
I’ve loved everyone’s stories. No wedding tales to share and being a big ol’ lesbian living in bless-his-heart-the-Pope’s-Rome don’t think a wedding is going to happen any time soon, despite the fact that my partner and I have been together for 18 years.
Which, come to think of it actually kind of sucks, since I wouldn’t mind a wedding shower, I’m dying for a Kitchen Aid…
June 29, 2010 at 8:28 am
mixer!
June 29, 2010 at 8:54 am
Love it!
I had the back end version of that wedding. 9 year wait for a guy pushing 50 to get over his cold feet, sneaked into public gardens on a Monday AM with a Unitarian minister we’d just met to have a “wedding” with 2 last minute witnesses willing to call in sick to work. We dressed up – one notch above jeans. I don’t remember the vows because I was half sure he was gonna bail. We came home, he took a nap, I went back to work. It was magickal. Oddly, we’re happy as clams, now.
June 29, 2010 at 8:54 am
This is awesome! I’m getting married next May, so I’ll be interested to see what you have to write about some of the things I’ve already started planning/doing. I’m a very laid back planner, so nothing has been stressful for me yet, but I looked over the list of to-do’s they supply you with on the know.com and holy crap does that list get LONG closer to the day….
June 29, 2010 at 8:54 am
the knot.com*
June 29, 2010 at 9:29 am
@ #86 LaughingLurker- I’d pronounce you wife and wife if I could. What’s with all the voting against love?…I don’t get it.
June 29, 2010 at 11:08 am
I never, ever had dreams of a grand wedding when I was a little girl. Really, never wanted to get married at all. Ended up married at 19 (Friday night courthouse special) after getting the “you’re pregnant, you ARE getting married” speech from the parents. Wasn’t thrilled then, just too dumb to know better, and too timid to tell the parents to fuck off. It’s been a long 13 years.
June 29, 2010 at 9:18 pm
I’ve been looking for this column since you mentioned it. It was worth the wait! Congratulations on your column and may you have even more success in the future!
June 29, 2010 at 10:11 pm
April, I love you even more now. I’m saving this column for the someday when I try to have a party, and my mom wants to plan a wedding.
June 29, 2010 at 11:23 pm
Listen, April,it’s great, your column. And Regretsy, of course. I have stayed with you while all other websites have fallen by the bored-of-it wayside..but not yours. And it’s such a relief to read someone who can really write! Thank you so much, for being so talented and amusing, and for sharing that with us. It’s-you-are a rarity. I have no interest whatsoever in weddings or engagements or any of that shit, but I am looking forward to your column, missy.
June 30, 2010 at 2:46 am
Thanks # 86Home alone, much appreciated!
June 30, 2010 at 9:05 am
Awesome column, April…I’m going to love reading them over the next year. I’m engaged to be engaged, so I’m looking forward to see someone as snarky and cynical as me take on the whole wedding thing.
June 30, 2010 at 9:19 pm
April…thank you. I always get caught up in stupid shows like “say yes to the dress” and regret(sy) things about my own wedding – but in reality, I have the best marriage one could ask for, and I thank you for reminding me that the DAY was not important. Our marriage is
July 1, 2010 at 10:56 am
Wonderful and hilarious, can’t wait for the next installment. Well done you! The whole wedding tomfoolery-ganza is not for me, but I sure do enjoy the delicious schadenfruede of watching others go through bridal hell. Bring it on! *cackles maniacally*
July 3, 2010 at 9:42 pm
Coming late to the party — the column is great and looks to get even better! We just got back from our niece’s wedding, which was for about 400 people, including sit-down dinner and dance, with a budget of under 5K, so it was as far from a wedding industry-approved affair as you can get. It was also the best wedding I’ve ever been to! I can’t wait to see how you piss off the psychic, though — this is gonna be a fun ride!
September 9, 2010 at 10:24 am
I’m loving this. I fit right in. My first wedding was great – parents paid about $25k for everything, and on our wedding night, groom and I got into a huge argument about TOILET PAPER (as much as I’d love to say “no shit”, it’s true, it was about toilet paper) and he packed a bag and went to sleep in his parents’ hotel room (with them). He came home 3 days later, and we divorced 2yrs after that. Gee, who didn’t see that coming?