Boxed Whine
You know what? Maybe you should stop bothering God with your petty bullshit. He’s so bogged down with you bitching about that woman at work who took your mug that he doesn’t have time for the real shit. Maybe if you stopped stuffing the God Box with your insufferable whining for ten minutes, he could fix the God damn oil spill.
June 15, 2010 at 9:36 am
Quite presumptuous to sign a note God. I hope shes repenting for that right now, I know I wouldn’t want that stainstaining my conscience.
June 15, 2010 at 9:37 am
God is not a cosmic bell-boy for whom we can press a button to get things.” – Harry Emerson Fosdick (1878-1969) American Clergyman, Author, Teacher
June 15, 2010 at 9:38 am
God has lovely handwriting, I wonder if He cut the sides of the paper with craft scissors all by Himself?
June 15, 2010 at 9:38 am
My favorite part is how “God Box” is in the Disney font.
June 15, 2010 at 9:39 am
“Please stay out of the way.”
I don’t think I like your tone, mister.
June 15, 2010 at 9:39 am
You mean, God has a lovely font selection? Heh.
June 15, 2010 at 9:40 am
(but at least i know why all Your children turned out passive-aggressive)
June 15, 2010 at 9:40 am
You know you’re a whiny bitch when even god gets snarky with you.
June 15, 2010 at 9:42 am
I don’t understand how to fit people and places in this box!
June 15, 2010 at 9:42 am
Wow. It’s like a letter to Santa, only for grownups!
June 15, 2010 at 9:43 am
I always knew Walt Disney was god.
June 15, 2010 at 9:44 am
Are you there, God? It’s me, oddly random wooden box.
June 15, 2010 at 9:45 am
“People, places and things” could have been replaced with “nouns”
June 15, 2010 at 9:45 am
My notes keep getting returned, saying “No Such Occupant and No Forwarding Address”.
June 15, 2010 at 9:47 am
I need a God box.
Dear God,
Here are your assignments for today:
1. Please smite all the “soccer fans” who won’t shut up about the World Cup, but then won’t breathe a word about soccer again for four years once it’s over.
2. Please help me find a good parking spot at the mall when I go to run errands later.
3. Please make my cat stop crawling under the bed and scratching at my mattress. It’s annoying when I’m trying to sleep.
Thanks, God.
June 15, 2010 at 9:49 am
How often does God check his mail? I need to make sure my shit is getting handled in a timely manner.
June 15, 2010 at 9:49 am
Is He going to empty it often? I feel like I will fill it up quickly.
June 15, 2010 at 9:49 am
Many 12-steppers use God boxes to physically “let go” (rather than stew/drink) over stuff they have no control over. It’s interesting to see how the practice appears to others.
June 15, 2010 at 9:50 am
Dear God,
Please stop me from wasting your precious wood resources with more tacky boxes, and while I have your attention,can you please give Tony Hayward his life back.
Thanks & MUAH,
your friends at pelican landing
June 15, 2010 at 9:53 am
OMG, I swear I will stop commenting after this:
The shop logo is “Turning wood into smiles…” I think that’s the same logo for the local strip club.
June 15, 2010 at 9:53 am
aha! i KNEW the lost ark of the covenant would show up somewhere unexpected.
June 15, 2010 at 9:55 am
i didn’t know they practiced voodoo in boaz, alabama!
round here we’ve got worry dolls. little tiny people-dolls that you tell your problems to then shut them up in a box (coffin) so they can fix said problems…
marie leveaux….zmadkitty….same difference.
June 15, 2010 at 9:55 am
AMEN! sister Killer
Why use effort and take of ones own problems when putting slips of paper in a box is so much easier.
Couldn’t the sellers time be better spent using a Sharpie and putting Bible verses on muscle T’s?
June 15, 2010 at 9:57 am
p.s. Sorry to take advantage of your kindness God,I know you have alot on your platter, but can you tell those sanctiphonious right to lifers to either adopt some of the children ALREADY HERE or shut the fuck up & go back to their caves?
June 15, 2010 at 10:08 am
@ hamoza, You always get it just right.
Problems are God’s test of how well you do with what you were given to work with. This personal-pan-pizza approach to God in which people claim to have a one-on-one relationship with the Infinite Unknowable just gets up my left nostril.
June 15, 2010 at 10:08 am
Note to Zmadkitty :
Please stop trying to box me in, K?
luv, God
June 15, 2010 at 10:09 am
stainedstained? really?
June 15, 2010 at 10:10 am
AW shucks Meth<3
(now I'm in the mood for pizza for lunch)(I'm always in the mood for pizza)
June 15, 2010 at 10:10 am
#16 whitmansspider:
There is a big difference between a 12 stepper and a standard bitch-and-whine-tard.
Not that I don’t enjoy a good petty bitchfest once in awhile.
June 15, 2010 at 10:15 am
Putting something in a special place and expecting something in return?
“God” is the Tooth Fairy?
June 15, 2010 at 10:17 am
“Please stay out of the way”
I’ve seen this one before. Open the box, and your face melts. No thanks.
June 15, 2010 at 10:19 am
I have seen boxes for prayers or special memories that kind of thing. If you want to bitch go buy a journal and leave God alone.
June 15, 2010 at 10:19 am
This makes me think of some of my relations, who not only believe they have a one-on-one relationship with His Most Holiness, they genuinely believe that he/she/it/whatever SPEAKS to them. They will also leave messages on other relations’ phones saying that God has a message for them but they have to tell them in person.
I feel compelled to send them a God Box. With Helen’s personal message in fancy font. I’ll finally put those craft scissors to use.
June 15, 2010 at 10:22 am
luckily for the rest of us, anytime you try to put God in a box he just won’t stay there.
June 15, 2010 at 10:35 am
#28 Patty has been abducted by an Alien : Putting something in a special place and expecting something in return?
Patty that sounds like my box.
June 15, 2010 at 10:36 am
Lady, if you can burn things with your hands alone, what are you whining about? I wish I had mutant powers.
June 15, 2010 at 10:41 am
I wonder if anyone would use this to write Jesus fan mail. Like he’s Elvis or something.
June 15, 2010 at 10:43 am
I read her profile & genuinely commend her for getting the booze out of her life.
Interesting how humans usually trade one crutch for another.
Maybe she can wood burn that crutch with a nice decorative border.
Whatever gets one through the loooong nights…..
June 15, 2010 at 10:44 am
After God in a Box, I checked out the shop hoping to score a Jesus Soap on a Rope. No luck.
That and a Holy Trinity TV dinner and I think I’d be covered.
June 15, 2010 at 10:46 am
@Wilma- baaaahhahahahahah.(bet there are give peas a chance in that T.V. din din)
June 15, 2010 at 10:47 am
#18 thecatsmeow : There is a Strip Club in Cedar Rapids, Iowa called Woody’s.
June 15, 2010 at 10:48 am
I live in Ohio, last night the 62′ (really 62 FEET)tall ‘Touchdown Jesus’ (google it) got hit by lightning and burned to the wire frame. Dear God: Whats up with that?
June 15, 2010 at 10:50 am
There is a strip club in Des Moines, Iowa called The Lumberyard and their slogan is “Where real guys go to get wood.”
June 15, 2010 at 10:51 am
@hamoza-
Or perhaps an Oh come all ye falafel TV dinner.
June 15, 2010 at 11:14 am
HERE’S your God box!
June 15, 2010 at 11:31 am
Do you think if I took care of the bill, I could persuade God to take a basic graphic design class?
June 15, 2010 at 11:32 am
Here’s a blank—make your own!
June 15, 2010 at 11:37 am
Maybe the “God Box – Large” is where you’re supposed to put requests and suggestions for world peace, reversing oil spills and natural disasters.
I wonder how much I could get for the telephone to God I made with dixie cups and yarn?
June 15, 2010 at 11:55 am
I keep hearing the Reverend Mother Gaius Mohiam saying, “Put your hand in the box.”
Paul: “What’s in it?”
Rev. Mother: “Pain.”
June 15, 2010 at 11:56 am
I was going to do my own but I couldn’t think of anything wittier to say than what has already been said.
#40 fluffynotfat :
I live in Ohio, last night the 62′ (really 62 FEET)tall ‘Touchdown Jesus’ (google it) got hit by lightning and burned to the wire frame. Dear God: Whats up with that?
Perhaps s/he’s trying to finally get the point across that s/he Jesus doesn’t “look like one of the Bee Gees”. Bonus points for anyone who know where that obscure quote comes from.
June 15, 2010 at 12:02 pm
I never saw anyone put a woodburning kit to “legitimate” use before this. My mom got my brother and me one 35 years ago at a garage sale, and we burned moustaches onto disembodied Barbie heads with ours.
June 15, 2010 at 12:02 pm
Does anyone know how often you’re supposed to change the litter in a God box?
June 15, 2010 at 12:06 pm
I put God in a small box once. I forgot to punch air holes, thou. Sorry Jesus, you’ll be missed.
June 15, 2010 at 12:07 pm
#48 willandwont: they were about to start restoration on it (original price a cool half mil)MAYBE those $$$ could be used more wisely. Sometimes being subtle is over rated.
And you’re right, it looked a bit too much like Andy…
June 15, 2010 at 12:10 pm
She’s very gifted. Burning the lettering and stenciling by hand. Reminds of the movie “The Ten Commandments”
June 15, 2010 at 12:18 pm
I don’t think I see the point in a box where you stuff bitchings, moanings and groaning and just hope that somebody else will take care of it for you. Maybe I’m just not seeing the big picture here.
June 15, 2010 at 12:27 pm
I COULD get behind a “OH GOD! OH GOD!” box where I would put the phone numbers of the people who deserve a second go round
June 15, 2010 at 12:45 pm
WAA-LAAA!
June 15, 2010 at 12:55 pm
My Boss thinks he is God. I wonder if he has a God Box and gets messages from God. He is such a bone head that he probabily is screwing up the replys from God. I am sure God wanted me to get a big fat raise and an extra week off!
June 15, 2010 at 12:57 pm
@Vile and Evil Debbie Downer:
Out of all the wittiness that the brilliant Regretsians have just pulled out of their asses,
“What’s in the box?”
“Pain”
was the one that made me lol uncontrollably and startle my coworkers.
thank you for your contribution
my day is just that much less shitty now.
June 15, 2010 at 12:57 pm
#54 Hyperventilate: I can only speak for myself, but there were some long nights when a god box helped me a lot–and not because I expected some God cum Santa/bellboy/Toothfairy to solve my problems. A better name might have been a “Not Me, Not Now Box.” No shame in using a crutch when you’d fall flat on your face on your own.
June 15, 2010 at 12:59 pm
That flower is totally just a novelty button.
June 15, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Please note. I am NOT bristling with righteous (read: humorless) indignation!
June 15, 2010 at 1:13 pm
#61 Let Regretsy and a belly laugh be your crutch. And you may get a fast personal response – LIKE THIS ONE.
ALL PRAISE THE COSMIC YAK!!!
June 15, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Truly level 7 advice.
June 15, 2010 at 1:20 pm
#47 VEDD Dune reference FTW
Can I use this for any god I want, or does it have to be the big man with the beard? I prefer someone more noodly.
June 15, 2010 at 1:43 pm
@ mtopia – that flower looks like the cake decorations they sell at the supermarket. I know it tastes like chalk and it’s hard enough to break a tooth on, but still, I always want one on my piece. Cake!
June 15, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Why do I have an Alice in Chains song stuck in my head now, only slightly bastardized?
June 15, 2010 at 2:03 pm
#51 Vile & Evil Debbie Downer : Does anyone know how often you’re supposed to change the litter in a God box?
I think once a year, in the spring, you can take the nails out, open it up and refresh
June 15, 2010 at 2:09 pm
So you are supposed to put people in the box? Isn’t that the job of a mortician or the mafia?
June 15, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Everyone knows that God SPEAKS IN ALL CAPS, and he would never use that font. He would use Papyrus (Patty knows this, too).
I also think a small “God Box” would resemble a vagina, and not a distorted wooden cube.
June 15, 2010 at 2:23 pm
I heard that the god of charity has left a thank you note in a gilded box to the Regretsy community for the way it pulls together when someone needs help.
June 15, 2010 at 3:00 pm
Step 1: Put a note in a box
Step 2: Put your junk in that box
Step 3: He’s going to open that box, and that’s the way He does it
June 15, 2010 at 3:04 pm
Patty, ROFL! That’ll teach those creepy-clingy mortals.
June 15, 2010 at 3:41 pm
I’m sad I was gone all day. This thread is fantastic. Every single one of you cracks me up. Hamoza, your comments made me Belgian ROFL.
June 15, 2010 at 3:53 pm
How about schrodinger’s god? He might be alive, he might be dead, but you will never know unless you open the box and look.
June 15, 2010 at 4:21 pm
#75 @ suda-WOWZA , that really means alot to me !
Thanks for making my day .
In appreciation I’m planning on a pasta feast tonight (being a member of the Church of the Flying Spagetti Monster.)
Wish you all could join me!
June 15, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Mmm, touched by His noodly appendage. Definitely a holy communion tonight, with meatballs.
June 15, 2010 at 5:52 pm
Plain crafting box. Two words and one small embellishment. Curvy paper and free font. Sounds like $8 to me!
June 15, 2010 at 5:52 pm
alright, but can i use multipurpose? like, if i want to sell my soul to satan for a twix bar?
June 15, 2010 at 6:55 pm
#75 Suda: Belgian ROFL! I am totally stealing that.
June 15, 2010 at 8:32 pm
I can’t take any credit for that Strubisatoaster. I first saw it on the FB Regretsy page. I’m just spreading it around.
June 16, 2010 at 12:33 am
If the box really works.
Maybe the seller might put in her own box a note asking God to make her “stimulant problem” go away.
She says: “I will celebrate my third year of sobriety in July 2010, God willing.”
June 16, 2010 at 7:16 am
First a boyfriend in a box, now God in a box. Boxes are getting kinda old. Time to move on to something else. Maybe sacks. Satan in a sack maybe?
June 16, 2010 at 3:22 pm
#45 could you just reach me a little more mustard from the dispensation?
June 16, 2010 at 6:59 pm
I had a God Box once, when I was in AA. Now I keep my jewelry in it. God keeps stealing my jewelry… either that or I’m blacking out and selling it for crack.
June 16, 2010 at 9:08 pm
Really, is this any worse than mailing snake-protecting fairies through the USPS?
June 17, 2010 at 9:09 am
everybody in the u.s.a. hates their stupid neighbor…he’s Flanders and he’s really really lame…
June 21, 2010 at 6:01 pm
God says, “Please stay out of the way.”
Okay god, it’s a deal, but only if you ‘save us from your Followers.’ And help pay for the little wish boxes they bought on Etsy.
August 2, 2010 at 1:04 pm
Did anyone else notice that you can apparently get “in the way” when god needs to get shit done?