Well, it’s a little lo-tech, but here goes: You take a stick, right, and you put a bunch of stuff at the end of the stick. Bristly type stuff. Then you use the stick with the bristly stuff at the end to push the dirt into one pile. There’s a term for this but I don’t go in for that technical mumbo-jumbo. You then pick up all the dirt using, oh I don’t know, some kind of catcher or pan, and throw it away.
I have had good luck with a Kirby
But they set you back lots of money
Their bags, they are HEPA
Suck? oh boy, you betcha
Just ask my new friend Calophi
Hey moron, ever heard of a broom and mop? People actually cleaned floors before the invention of electricity, just like they cleaned floors before they had the internet to ask people how. Speaking of internet, your access should be revoked for improper use!
#5 Mistletoe- you and your fancy doodads and such!
I have the greatest thing ever… as soon as a crumb hits the floor in my kitchen, three Chihuahuas and a German Shepherd swoop in on it like so many screeching seagulls.
The five-second rule doesn’t exist in my home. If it falls from your hand, it is gone.
Seriously lol, I do what some of you do too. Okay this is just my personal suggestion to you folks too I am not even going to share my wood floor secrets with anyone else. It talks halk the time of a vac! I sweep up what the cats did not nibble, then I swiffer DRY mop, yes I use it multipurpose!, while using an eco-safe spray from 7th Generation, so the dry mop acts as a mop. Bang boom ya done. There now WE can have clean wood floors here on Regretsweep!
If you have a dirty wood floor
And your swiffer won’t swiff anymore
Don’t spend lots of bucks
For a vacuum that sucks
Just get a damn broom you dumb whore
@ Wilma, ‘make a bib necklace with the crumbs’
bwa hahahahha
Srsly,how someone can make it to Etsy, place an alchemy request but cannot find basic cleaning info on the net is just beyond me.
@ #5 Mistletoe: I have one of those for my hardwood floor too. I also have a stick with long pieces of yarn at the end. I dip it into a bucket of warm water and vinegar then put it into a strainer thing then wipe it back and forth across the floor. I’m kind of low-techie too LOL
If only your advice she just halft
She wouldn’t be nearly so daft,
If she cut off the brooms whiskers
Using some craft-worthy fiskars
And pushed the dirt with the shaft.
Oh for fucks sake, what kind of hardcore drugs made this woman think that Alchemy was a good forum for this? I mean- personally, if I’M looking for a stupid random answer (other than the obvious), my first thought is to *type it in to Google*… try “vacuum for hardwood” or some permutation thereof… asking this here is like… I dunno, posting alien conspiracy rants on Web Md.
My Jack Russell Terrier is the same way. She is even my personal “live” dustbuster! She will come up in my lap and make sure I have no crumbs on my lap or chest!
This is not to compete with the above limericks, as there is no way I would be able, but is, instead, my pathetic attempt at an ode to all you witty and awesome people here:
Whenever my mood’s in a pickle
and my funnybone’s in need of a tickle
I sign on to Regretsy
and surer than Betsy
I’ll get me some fuckery whimsicle!
So you tried the cheap and crappy $20 solution and the expensive and crappy $400 solution. I think the vacuum between your ears is definitely the problem.
If I wore a hat I’d tip it to Skully
For I appreciate 27 fully.
I’m not at my best-
There’s been a cold in my chest,
And the medicine makes my brain woolly.
Today when I walked in the door
I said “Boss, I will goof off no more”
Didn’t plan to spend time
Thinking of words that rhyme
To write limericks about dirty floors
I’m up to my knickers in muck. You see?
My vacuum does nothing but suck for me.
My alchemy request,
Was derided with jest,
and shitloads of whimsicle fuckery.
Skully, I know what you mean
and dang, I’ve tried to stay clean,
But this site pulls me back;
It’s like crappy-craft crack
Thanks to the regretsy queen.
When I posted, the ad changed to the Oreck Platinum Pilot with 360 Glide, and a free $130 cordless iron. Maybe the requester could just iron the dust flat?
Please someone shoot me for trying to rhyme with the big boys, or pelt me with giant wet felted dust balls.
When it comes to suck, I’ve had no luck
so I took a scan & came up with a plan
got my broom & a pan, swept with elan
now I’m off to hump my cancan
Fuck
Back to the matter at hand-
Do they want a hose or a wand?
Would a canister or bag
(and not broom, mop, or rag)
serve better for their purposes grand?
Are you sure the requester’s a she?
It could be they are catholic clergy.
With the Pope condemning vices
Could mechanical devices
Now be used for their self-liturgy?
If you have so much dirt on your floor that you can’t use your Swiffer to push all the dirt into a pile and scoop it up with your pan, and you have to go on the internet to ask for advice about custom handmade vacuums (that’s why you posted on Etsy, right?), then maybe you’ve actually been living in the yard. The simplest solution in this case would be to move back inside, where a broom will work.
Finding an answer
Unleashes negativity
Crafting your lance, Sir
Kills housecleaning proclivity
Erroneous requestor
Respiratory captivity
Yon vacuum is no duster
oh shit, here goes….
You must have been sick in bed
you missed the Hello Kitty nipple thread
On occasion my reading is stupid
And sometimes my seeing is vapid
I thought it was Nipsey Russell
but really it was Kitty Tassel.
If another person calls for a broomstick
I’d swear that I was going to be sick
But I’m already there
So what do I care
If you insist on that tired old card trick
Vacuums can be used multipurpose!
The thing is to not misdiagnose;
If you plug in the wrong end
Certain attachments distend
And you could be left looking bulbous.
it’s called a swiffer-mofo-sweeper. (that’s the official brand name.) 2 shedding dogs, hard wood floors and a refusal to dust on my part makes me the slursperson for that contraption. I hearts it.
late to this party
and feeling quite ‘tardsy
limmericks about brooms and dust
write a poem? i think i must
etsy alchemy = craigslist ad
making fun of this shit is the new fad
sorry this was lame
but like i said, i was late to the game
Tell me, how did this poem-writing start?
This thread has been elevated to art.
If I had more time,
I’d write better rhymes,
But this one does come from my heart.
I have a 7 year old that doesn’t like to clean up.
Next time he tries to give me some crappy reason to not clean the floor I will remember this post.
This is what happens when parents don’t make children do their chores. They will turn into lazy procrastinators that will do anything (even waste money) but still won’t clean up the damn mess!
I thumbsed-up all you fun-loving poets!
(ignored all the dopey slow-wits)
But, I just had to say
this post made my day
Y’all are so whimsical and you fucking know it!
Maybe the cheaper roomba works better? I don’t know, my old Roomba Red works great on hardwood floors. (and was 1/4 of the price) It picks up SAND. It’s awesome.
The one downside of Roomba, I keep wanting to paint fangs on it. Thankfully I’m inept at sewing, so I can’t make it costumes. Not that this has stopped other from making Roomba costumes…
Do you think this person is registered to vote? I wonder if that kind of decision would turn them into a shivering wreck if this is what they resort to when it comes to cleaning the floors.
May 11, 2010 at 9:35 am
How about putting the Pikachu menstrual pad on the end of a stick and just wiping the floor?
http://www.regretsy.com/2009/09/29/pokemons/
I’m sure there are plenty of dolls, skirts, and other clothy crap on Etsy that’ll clean a hardwood floor.
Or does this guy want me to take my Bedazzler to my Tri-Star canister vac?
May 11, 2010 at 9:37 am
This is exactly what Alchemy was intended for! Bravo!
May 11, 2010 at 9:40 am
So – this is really a request for something that sucks, right?
May 11, 2010 at 9:40 am
Oh yes. Let’s completely ignore the existence of Yahoo Answers for asking questions and post it on a site meant for hand crafted items. -_-
May 11, 2010 at 9:41 am
Well, it’s a little lo-tech, but here goes: You take a stick, right, and you put a bunch of stuff at the end of the stick. Bristly type stuff. Then you use the stick with the bristly stuff at the end to push the dirt into one pile. There’s a term for this but I don’t go in for that technical mumbo-jumbo. You then pick up all the dirt using, oh I don’t know, some kind of catcher or pan, and throw it away.
May 11, 2010 at 9:41 am
Darn you, LeeLoo! I was about to write that this Alchemy request sucks!
May 11, 2010 at 9:42 am
Buy handmade.
May 11, 2010 at 9:43 am
Also: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=good+vacuums+for+hardwood+floors
May 11, 2010 at 9:43 am
A guy once had no luck in
Findin’ a vacuum for suckin’
For on his hard wood
They never did good;
Not only cobwebs and dust were they blowin’
May 11, 2010 at 9:43 am
Use the wand attachment and change the bag when it gets full.
No, that’s okay, please keep your penny for my thoughts.
May 11, 2010 at 9:43 am
Why are there bids on this?
May 11, 2010 at 9:44 am
Has technology advanced so much that people have forgotten about the BROOM?!
May 11, 2010 at 9:44 am
Perhaps she can use the dirt and crumbs her vacuum doesn’t pick up and make a nice bib necklace.
May 11, 2010 at 9:50 am
#13 Wilma Fingerdoo : Appropriate user icon is appropriate. XD
May 11, 2010 at 9:51 am
The vacuums they’ve tried don’t work on wood floors, and blow crumbs around too. sheesh. That was a perfectly clean limerick. ;-P
May 11, 2010 at 9:53 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 11, 2010 at 9:54 am
I use a shop vac. If nothing else, it makes me feel more manly whilst vacuuming.
May 11, 2010 at 9:56 am
The terrible kind are the best.
May 11, 2010 at 9:58 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 11, 2010 at 10:02 am
I have had good luck with a Kirby
But they set you back lots of money
Their bags, they are HEPA
Suck? oh boy, you betcha
Just ask my new friend Calophi
May 11, 2010 at 10:04 am
Hey moron, ever heard of a broom and mop? People actually cleaned floors before the invention of electricity, just like they cleaned floors before they had the internet to ask people how. Speaking of internet, your access should be revoked for improper use!
May 11, 2010 at 10:05 am
#5 Mistletoe- you and your fancy doodads and such!
I have the greatest thing ever… as soon as a crumb hits the floor in my kitchen, three Chihuahuas and a German Shepherd swoop in on it like so many screeching seagulls.
The five-second rule doesn’t exist in my home. If it falls from your hand, it is gone.
May 11, 2010 at 10:08 am
i heart you, eternalgreenknight…
May 11, 2010 at 10:13 am
Aww, thanks.
May 11, 2010 at 10:16 am
Seriously lol, I do what some of you do too. Okay this is just my personal suggestion to you folks too I am not even going to share my wood floor secrets with anyone else. It talks halk the time of a vac! I sweep up what the cats did not nibble, then I swiffer DRY mop, yes I use it multipurpose!, while using an eco-safe spray from 7th Generation, so the dry mop acts as a mop. Bang boom ya done. There now WE can have clean wood floors here on Regretsweep!
May 11, 2010 at 10:18 am
She could try duct taping a few shamwows to a crawling baby.
I think I’m gonna go bid now…
May 11, 2010 at 10:18 am
If you have a dirty wood floor
And your swiffer won’t swiff anymore
Don’t spend lots of bucks
For a vacuum that sucks
Just get a damn broom you dumb whore
May 11, 2010 at 10:21 am
A wet broom catches fleeing fluffballs.
That’ll be 2 cents please.
May 11, 2010 at 10:22 am
@ Wilma, ‘make a bib necklace with the crumbs’
bwa hahahahha
Srsly,how someone can make it to Etsy, place an alchemy request but cannot find basic cleaning info on the net is just beyond me.
May 11, 2010 at 10:24 am
@ #5 Mistletoe: I have one of those for my hardwood floor too. I also have a stick with long pieces of yarn at the end. I dip it into a bucket of warm water and vinegar then put it into a strainer thing then wipe it back and forth across the floor. I’m kind of low-techie too LOL
May 11, 2010 at 10:29 am
#28 spandy: But Ziukkinna was only charging a penny & then let us keep it. You can keep your overpriced ideals…
May 11, 2010 at 10:29 am
Skully,
If only your advice she just halft
She wouldn’t be nearly so daft,
If she cut off the brooms whiskers
Using some craft-worthy fiskars
And pushed the dirt with the shaft.
May 11, 2010 at 10:30 am
ahem…”pushed the dirt with the shaft”
May 11, 2010 at 10:31 am
Skully I <3
May 11, 2010 at 10:31 am
Whoops, hit submit instead of finishing. I Loved that!
May 11, 2010 at 10:33 am
BWAHAHAHAAA Skully wins.
May 11, 2010 at 10:44 am
I’ve had pretty good results with a cleaning woman.
May 11, 2010 at 10:49 am
Oh for fucks sake, what kind of hardcore drugs made this woman think that Alchemy was a good forum for this? I mean- personally, if I’M looking for a stupid random answer (other than the obvious), my first thought is to *type it in to Google*… try “vacuum for hardwood” or some permutation thereof… asking this here is like… I dunno, posting alien conspiracy rants on Web Md.
May 11, 2010 at 10:50 am
#37, me too. You just hose them off when you’re done, and they’re good to go again!
May 11, 2010 at 11:12 am
All that time money and energy spent but still the dirt and crumbs remain.
Life can be harsh at times.
May 11, 2010 at 11:14 am
She obviously needs a handmaiden.
May 11, 2010 at 11:20 am
OMG – Mistletoe, Skully, and eternalgreenknight, you guys are having a sexy three-way of WIN!
May 11, 2010 at 11:24 am
I’m just going to ask my random cleaning questions right here on the regretsy comments page.
May 11, 2010 at 11:37 am
EGK & skully –
OMG – it’s a mother f*&@ing limerick-off.
May 11, 2010 at 11:46 am
@eternalgreenknight: You’re amusing the hell out of me but Skully is my #1 lyricist.
May 11, 2010 at 11:48 am
Laughing at the “live” vacuum cleaners aka dogs!
My Jack Russell Terrier is the same way. She is even my personal “live” dustbuster! She will come up in my lap and make sure I have no crumbs on my lap or chest!
May 11, 2010 at 11:51 am
This is not to compete with the above limericks, as there is no way I would be able, but is, instead, my pathetic attempt at an ode to all you witty and awesome people here:
Whenever my mood’s in a pickle
and my funnybone’s in need of a tickle
I sign on to Regretsy
and surer than Betsy
I’ll get me some fuckery whimsicle!
I know it’s lame but at least it rhymes!
May 11, 2010 at 11:51 am
So you tried the cheap and crappy $20 solution and the expensive and crappy $400 solution. I think the vacuum between your ears is definitely the problem.
May 11, 2010 at 11:54 am
@Skully, my sentiments exactly!
I have nothing to add–yet.
May 11, 2010 at 11:59 am
If I wore a hat I’d tip it to Skully
For I appreciate 27 fully.
I’m not at my best-
There’s been a cold in my chest,
And the medicine makes my brain woolly.
May 11, 2010 at 12:16 pm
Today when I walked in the door
I said “Boss, I will goof off no more”
Didn’t plan to spend time
Thinking of words that rhyme
To write limericks about dirty floors
May 11, 2010 at 12:18 pm
is there not an ipod app for this yet?
May 11, 2010 at 12:27 pm
I’m up to my knickers in muck. You see?
My vacuum does nothing but suck for me.
My alchemy request,
Was derided with jest,
and shitloads of whimsicle fuckery.
May 11, 2010 at 12:29 pm
Eternal Green Knight, you’re so nice
I’ll offer you some good advice
Whenever you’re sick
To feel better quick
Drink Nyquil and Coke over ice
May 11, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Dirty hardwood floors
My bi-polar vacuum sighs
Dust bunnies laugh
May 11, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Skully, I know what you mean
and dang, I’ve tried to stay clean,
But this site pulls me back;
It’s like crappy-craft crack
Thanks to the regretsy queen.
May 11, 2010 at 12:31 pm
@Skully
I won’t even try…
May 11, 2010 at 12:33 pm
Oh man, I’m loving the menage-a-poetry
May 11, 2010 at 12:35 pm
I’ve got something that will clean a hardwood floor. It’s called a broom and dustpan.
I prefer corn broom myself, over nylon.
May 11, 2010 at 12:35 pm
The current advertising on the right side bar is for the Oreck Halo vacuum cleaner. You’ll get a free little helper canister vac if you buy now.
The vacuum has a germ killing feature. That way when the dust goes flying about the room, at least it’s sterile.
May 11, 2010 at 12:36 pm
ISUS, I can not wait
To see what it is you’ll create
A whimbsicle broom?
Or a freaky vacuum?
Your Photoshop skills are first rate
May 11, 2010 at 12:36 pm
#44 curlytopnola is right!
It’s a mother f*&@ing limerick-off!
May 11, 2010 at 12:37 pm
When I posted, the ad changed to the Oreck Platinum Pilot with 360 Glide, and a free $130 cordless iron. Maybe the requester could just iron the dust flat?
May 11, 2010 at 12:38 pm
Dust bunny craft:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_DVWeRwaKTdo/SdLn0veU6xI/AAAAAAAAAUg/1HD1_1MvJ2Y/s400/Dust+Bunny+2.jpg
May 11, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Please someone shoot me for trying to rhyme with the big boys, or pelt me with giant wet felted dust balls.
When it comes to suck, I’ve had no luck
so I took a scan & came up with a plan
got my broom & a pan, swept with elan
now I’m off to hump my cancan
Fuck
May 11, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Back to the matter at hand-
Do they want a hose or a wand?
Would a canister or bag
(and not broom, mop, or rag)
serve better for their purposes grand?
Are you sure the requester’s a she?
It could be they are catholic clergy.
With the Pope condemning vices
Could mechanical devices
Now be used for their self-liturgy?
May 11, 2010 at 12:47 pm
#62 snark-o
with the occasional haiku thrown in for good measure….#55
it’s an english major’s wet dream up in here.
May 11, 2010 at 12:50 pm
Work’s stacking up, I must hustle
But Sudabaki I’m puzzled
Before I go far
Is your avatar
Flip Wilson or Nipsey Russell?
May 11, 2010 at 12:51 pm
curlytopnola
your comment was flattering
your dreams are wet now
May 11, 2010 at 12:53 pm
If you have so much dirt on your floor that you can’t use your Swiffer to push all the dirt into a pile and scoop it up with your pan, and you have to go on the internet to ask for advice about custom handmade vacuums (that’s why you posted on Etsy, right?), then maybe you’ve actually been living in the yard. The simplest solution in this case would be to move back inside, where a broom will work.
May 11, 2010 at 12:56 pm
eternalgreenknight and Skully, you two are making me grin.
Thanks.
May 11, 2010 at 12:59 pm
somebody seems to mistaken Etsy for Consumer Reports
Here, Let me google that for you:
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=vacuums+that+work+best+on+wood+floors
May 11, 2010 at 1:01 pm
#67 curly, how about an acrostic?
FUCKERY
Finding an answer
Unleashes negativity
Crafting your lance, Sir
Kills housecleaning proclivity
Erroneous requestor
Respiratory captivity
Yon vacuum is no duster
May 11, 2010 at 1:06 pm
#73 BillsBayou – You are a genius.
With a title like “Fuckery” is that an acrostic or a cross dick?
May 11, 2010 at 1:06 pm
She never dated
For nothing would ever clean
Her dusty crevice
May 11, 2010 at 1:06 pm
@Skully:
oh shit, here goes….
You must have been sick in bed
you missed the Hello Kitty nipple thread
On occasion my reading is stupid
And sometimes my seeing is vapid
I thought it was Nipsey Russell
but really it was Kitty Tassel.
May 11, 2010 at 1:07 pm
@74 Snark
I’ve oft been called a cross dick. Don’t cross dicks with me.
May 11, 2010 at 1:09 pm
#3 #6
I’ve actually had good experiences with things that suck. When people tell me I suck, I take it as a complement
May 11, 2010 at 1:11 pm
sudas not tipsy
no mistake ,thats nipsey
no hassle , she wears her tassles
better than kitty wears whiskers
shes got a frisky tail
with nary a fail
May 11, 2010 at 1:27 pm
Who uses a vacuum on hardwood floors? It’s called a broom.
May 11, 2010 at 1:34 pm
79,
AABBCC
Makes me overwhelmingly dizzy
When reading the threads
and taking awesomesauce meds
Especially if the lines are all choppy.
May 11, 2010 at 1:40 pm
To read all this poetry charming
That’s whimsicle and quite disarming,
Means snark’s on vacation
While edification
Takes over — how truly alarming!
May 11, 2010 at 1:48 pm
@ EGN # 81
Well~ I never!
you call my lines choppy
I guess they are sloppy
maybe you’re dizzy
from lying in bed
try exercise instead
you won’t feel so floppy
sorry you’re sick
May 11, 2010 at 1:50 pm
If another person calls for a broomstick
I’d swear that I was going to be sick
But I’m already there
So what do I care
If you insist on that tired old card trick
Vacuums can be used multipurpose!
The thing is to not misdiagnose;
If you plug in the wrong end
Certain attachments distend
And you could be left looking bulbous.
May 11, 2010 at 1:52 pm
#83,
May 11, 2010 at 2:13 pm
it’s called a swiffer-mofo-sweeper. (that’s the official brand name.) 2 shedding dogs, hard wood floors and a refusal to dust on my part makes me the slursperson for that contraption. I hearts it.
May 11, 2010 at 2:16 pm
ps. the only limmerick I know (besides the ones Andrew Dice Clay recited) is the one I wrote in 4th grade.
There once was a boy named Scott
Who one day got quite hot.
He went outside
And there he fried
And now he’s only a dot.
*tosses mic at the audience, screams some obscenities about jesus and walks off*
May 11, 2010 at 2:18 pm
This is the only time I will ever say this:
Where is a door to door vacuum salesman when you need one?
May 11, 2010 at 2:23 pm
late to this party
and feeling quite ‘tardsy
limmericks about brooms and dust
write a poem? i think i must
etsy alchemy = craigslist ad
making fun of this shit is the new fad
sorry this was lame
but like i said, i was late to the game
May 11, 2010 at 3:05 pm
Tell me, how did this poem-writing start?
This thread has been elevated to art.
If I had more time,
I’d write better rhymes,
But this one does come from my heart.
May 11, 2010 at 3:12 pm
Here you go, oh dusty one: http://dvice.com/archives/2009/02/baby_mop_makes.php . Now, about that penny…
May 11, 2010 at 4:37 pm
Jeebus! This is the greatest thread ever and I totally missed it!
May 11, 2010 at 4:37 pm
I have a 7 year old that doesn’t like to clean up.
Next time he tries to give me some crappy reason to not clean the floor I will remember this post.
This is what happens when parents don’t make children do their chores. They will turn into lazy procrastinators that will do anything (even waste money) but still won’t clean up the damn mess!
May 11, 2010 at 5:10 pm
A vacuum should work
On wood floors or cork
On tile or stone
By everyone
Unless you’re a jerk
May 11, 2010 at 5:45 pm
Here ya go, lady – a Barkuum cleaner:
http://www.dkimages.com/discover/previews/947/70023787.JPG
May 11, 2010 at 6:29 pm
I would like to write to this person and tell him BLEACH works best…….
May 11, 2010 at 6:52 pm
I thumbsed-up all you fun-loving poets!
(ignored all the dopey slow-wits)
But, I just had to say
this post made my day
Y’all are so whimsical and you fucking know it!
May 12, 2010 at 9:54 am
@22 My family has often wondered how people who don’t have dogs survive. Does the stuff on the floor just…pile up? I guess we know now.
May 12, 2010 at 10:46 am
Maybe the cheaper roomba works better? I don’t know, my old Roomba Red works great on hardwood floors. (and was 1/4 of the price) It picks up SAND. It’s awesome.
The one downside of Roomba, I keep wanting to paint fangs on it. Thankfully I’m inept at sewing, so I can’t make it costumes. Not that this has stopped other from making Roomba costumes…
May 12, 2010 at 5:15 pm
Do you think this person is registered to vote? I wonder if that kind of decision would turn them into a shivering wreck if this is what they resort to when it comes to cleaning the floors.
May 13, 2010 at 2:36 am
Questions like this are why Let Me Google That For You is my new favorite thing:
http://tinyurl.com/24mv4c5
May 19, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Maybe try turning the vacuum cleaner ON?