Puritanical Dickbags
On Saturday night, when ROFL Con was over and I was packing to go to New York, I noticed someone slipping a piece of paper under my hotel room door:
Due to a broken water main in Boston, the water supply in 38 counties is currently unsafe to drink. Bottled water should be used for drinking. Tap water may also be used for drinking or cooking, provided it is first boiled for several minutes. Thank you for your understanding.
I didn’t think much about it until the next day, when the hotel didn’t have coffee. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t just boil water so they could make coffee, but I figured once I got to the train station, I’d get a cup of Dunks and everything would be all right again.
When we got to the train station, I was horrified to see that Dunks was simply closed. “NO WATER” it said on the door.
But that isn’t exactly true, is it Dunks? No, there’s water, but you just didn’t want to boil any. That would take effort. Why go to all the trouble of actually making coffee? It’s not like you’re famous for it or anything. And who drinks coffee on Sunday anyway? Oh Jesus, I’m getting mad all over again.
Needless to say, by the time I got on the train I was really cranky. So I availed myself of Amtrak’s free Wi-Fi to post this status update on the Regretsy fan page:
As you can see, this diatribe resulted in over 200 comments, and 4 people “unfanned” themselves as a result of my vulgarity. You can imagine how much I miss them.
But more significantly, we here at Regretsy world headquarters (me) received many requests for T-shirts commemorating the whole caffeine starved episode. And as you know, T-shirts and other merchandise help fund our charity efforts, so who are we to say no?
And so, our own delightful Bronc designed this beautiful T-shirt, featuring completely unnecessary invective layered over a beautiful map of Beantown.
Puritanical Dickbag T-Shirt
Puritanical Dickbag Mousepad
Puritanical Dickbag Mug
Bottoms up!
Click here to visit our Zazzle store and see all of our worthless fuckery
May 4, 2010 at 5:58 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 4, 2010 at 5:59 pm
Isn’t Boston where they had that tragic maple syrup flood? Hundred years later – still unable to handle breakfast emergencies. It’s sad, really.
September 18, 2011 at 4:34 pm
It was a molasses flood.
May 4, 2010 at 5:59 pm
As a Bostonian, I salute you, noble Regretsy.
May 4, 2010 at 5:59 pm
Lol, Beantown doesn’t have a very pretty map, does it? I thought it was a seaweed bladder!
May 4, 2010 at 6:00 pm
Thank god we didn’t know you when you still smoked & ended up stuck somewhere that had run out of ciggies.
May 4, 2010 at 6:00 pm
<-Also a Masshole
Love ya, Regretsy!
May 4, 2010 at 6:02 pm
Kit, you know I jest
And I am not a real Masshole, so I don’t take any offense…I’m originally from “Cunt Etiquette” aka CT
(born and raised, baby)
May 4, 2010 at 6:03 pm
Raz – It wasn’t me! I gave you green thumb
May 4, 2010 at 6:03 pm
Can we get this on a cross-stitch?
May 4, 2010 at 6:03 pm
I think I might need to have the coffee cup. Nothing says ‘ironic choice of beverage vessel’ than a coffee cup emblazoned with the symbol of the morning that will live in infamy.
May 4, 2010 at 6:03 pm
Also, oh my god, Denny Pinkham is your Facebook fan. I haz the envy.
May 4, 2010 at 6:03 pm
@Raz, I was betting a bag of crab hammers you didn’t actually flounce–whew!!
May 4, 2010 at 6:03 pm
this is so full of win, i can’t stop laughing. even if I am a RedSox fan.
May 4, 2010 at 6:04 pm
who the frig just thumbs-downed me- um, hello?
see the original fb fan page post?
who LIKED it besides Denny, Christy and 224 other people? um, yeah, that would be ME.
(duh)
May 4, 2010 at 6:04 pm
#3@kit-seaweed has a bladder? Who knew?
I always say that Regretsy is educashunal.
May 4, 2010 at 6:04 pm
LOL- Kit I know you didn’t b/c you’re too cool for school.
Kurt- you know me way better than that
May 4, 2010 at 6:05 pm
Want. *(Non-Puritanical) Crab-Hammerer from B-More*
(Jury’s still out on the D-Bag part, But I’d like to think “Not Guilty”.)
May 4, 2010 at 6:05 pm
I’m going to use “puritanical dickbags” instead of “bible-flogging jerks” the next time someone knocks on my door and tries to tell me how to find Jesus.
Now to work “crab-hammering” into a conversation…
May 4, 2010 at 6:06 pm
In honor of today’s holiday:
“Come to the Dark Side…we have COFFEE.”
May 4, 2010 at 6:08 pm
@hamoza–most seaweed has bladders, but they’ll never pee on you. It’s for floatation–are you relieved?
May 4, 2010 at 6:08 pm
LMFAO
Helen, I think that was my mom who slipped that under your door. She called me to tell me not to drink the water.
And then she called to tell me that I could drink the water. Even tho I live near the Quabbin, we in Worcester get our water from Springfield, I guess.
Your voice mail must have been full.
May 4, 2010 at 6:08 pm
This shirt is perfect to wear to my kid’s next Little League game.
May 4, 2010 at 6:09 pm
LOL @ #17, Patty…puritanical dickbags, indeed. The other’s not too much of a task around here; I can see myself saying to friends, “Let’s go crab-hammering!”
May 4, 2010 at 6:09 pm
#14 Hamoza – They’re these weird little pouch things that show up in huge batches of seaweed on the beach. I always thought they were eggs or something.
May 4, 2010 at 6:13 pm
Water main breakage, ah, how I loathe you so. I don’t really blame them for not opening up — they probably wouldn’t have been even close to keeping up with the demand for coffee if they had stayed open and tried to boil there way out of that kind of mess, and I know I wouldn’t want to face that many coffee-starved zombie customers (especially since about ninety percent of them do not understand the concept of unclean water).
May 4, 2010 at 6:13 pm
ISUS & kit, I AM relieved ,lol.Indeed.
Wait , I eat alot of seaweed/nori. Does that mean I eat alot of bladders ?
May 4, 2010 at 6:15 pm
Come to Seattle. This would never be allowed to happen. The governor would declare a state of emergency. Seattleites would band together, dropping off boiled water on your doorstep and making sure the elderly and shut-ins didn’t go without. Then we’d have yearly stories in the media on The Dark Days.
May 4, 2010 at 6:15 pm
In other news, does “crab-hammering” bring up sexual thoughts to anyone else? For the life of me I couldn’t think of actually hammering crabs at first. It sounds like some weird fetish. Like maybe there are crab-hammering clubs, or something.
May 4, 2010 at 6:20 pm
I’m a Bostonian and I approve of this message.
If you’d stayed around for a couple of days, you could have witnessed the tragedy of thousands of innocent victims of cryabeetus being hauled off in fleets of whaaa!mbulances to lie in mass graves around Plymouth Rock.
#2 Monstrosa: It was a molasses flood, actually. Still kinda breakfasty I guess. Only 21 dead: not nearly the kind of slaughter we saw here this week.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boston_Molasses_Disaster
May 4, 2010 at 6:23 pm
Raz, whoever is red thumbing you for such innocuous remarks obviously needs a stiff drink.
May 4, 2010 at 6:27 pm
Hamoza- they need *much* more than a stiff drink
May 4, 2010 at 6:29 pm
I tried to subdue my remark Raz, what I meant was ‘a nice stiff *F* up the ass.
May 4, 2010 at 6:30 pm
p.s they’re just jealous & mean spirited .
May 4, 2010 at 6:33 pm
I breast fed for four years and I go to Boston every summer. You can’t make me flounce no matter how hard you try.
May 4, 2010 at 6:33 pm
Puritanical dickbags- I (having been raised in a Baptist Church) can think of SO MANY people that fits!!!!
May 4, 2010 at 6:37 pm
Crab hammering?
Helen, you wouldn’t happen to be a fan of Hitchhiker’s Guide, would you? Vogons are the only creatures I know of famous for hammering crabs.
O.K., now geekdom is another delegation heard from.
May 4, 2010 at 6:38 pm
razberries :
Their soul has a small penis.
May 4, 2010 at 6:40 pm
Don’t even get me started on their unnavigable streets and the asshole shuttle driver who dropped us off six blocks from Fenway when we were going to a ball game.
Boston is a Philadelphia wannabe. And The Phillies have a better fucking record and Terry Francona can eat me.
Okay. I’m done.
May 4, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Are dickbags the same thing as balls?
May 4, 2010 at 6:45 pm
@Hamoza, not to get all Nature Channel here, but you’re safe with Nori; it’s bladderless.
May 4, 2010 at 6:48 pm
@27 SCH: “Crab-hammering clubs”…LOL, there must be, they’re just not officially named as such. Plus they get to eat their spoils.
@34 Ned: Geekdom represent? I believe I covered that in #18. Maybe you’ll get there first on May 25.
May 4, 2010 at 6:51 pm
this would be hot down bawlmer way – we’re deep in the crab-hammering (also, suds-pounding)
May 4, 2010 at 7:06 pm
Man ,there must a heavy case of the combination cryabeeeetus & dickwad syndrome going around.
@ISUS, appreciate the info. While I love slummin’ in the bowels of Regretsyland the most, I love learning about nature.
May 4, 2010 at 7:09 pm
“I love slummin’ in the bowels of Regretsyland!!”
If only I wore shirts that said things!
May 4, 2010 at 7:22 pm
Helen, I see nothing unwarranted in your rampage. For next time (or for all times), carry along an emergency pack of Starbuck’s Via powder and chug it like Pixie Stix.
May 4, 2010 at 7:28 pm
#2 Monstrossa…it was the Great Molasses Flood…we don’t waste Maple Syrup….
No coffee, eh….another good reason to start the day with a beer!
May 4, 2010 at 7:32 pm
OH MY GAAWD I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD DO THIS
THANK YOU
I AM BUYING IT
May 4, 2010 at 7:35 pm
Boston runs on Dunkin…
http://i757.photobucket.com/albums/xx220/coolpauper/dunkindoodoo.jpg
May 4, 2010 at 7:43 pm
This ended it for me for Boston
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2007_Boston_bomb_scare
Don’t fear the ATHF!
May 4, 2010 at 7:45 pm
@ #40 Tarabu: Gotcha covered! There have to be more of us…I think I recall some comments about we Baltimorons owning the crab-hammering monopoly on FB, but I read it last night.
@ #40 CP: Love it! I went into Dunkies once…and went right back out.
@ HK: I seem to recall, in lieu of the Proper Preparation as we know it, Starbucks (canned) Doubleshot+Energy was a fitting stand-in for…ah…postprandial nutrition. But then again, “Some Like It Hot”.
May 4, 2010 at 7:46 pm
@ # 47: LOL! “January 31, 2007! Never Forget!”
May 4, 2010 at 7:50 pm
Jeebus, my last comments should read @ #46 CP, and @ #47 LJ!
*Hangs head, and starts pondering again about the last bit of my #16
May 4, 2010 at 7:56 pm
Having used more than my share of profanity over the years, I had never heard the term “dickbags.” So this is really a win/win situation for me, lots of amusement, glad Raz didn’t really flounce, and I got a handy new expletive to use, all in one thread. Gee thanks Regretsy! Some folks might say this thread was multipurpose..
May 4, 2010 at 8:55 pm
Ooooh la la …. Killer’s potty mouth has clearly eclipsed our Commander-in-Chief’s. But such vile invective is so adroitly footnoted …. how can anyone take offense? And besides, if those Mexicans can make coffee ….
Okay okay …. “Heads are going to roll”
That’s twice today for Killer ….
May 4, 2010 at 8:55 pm
Hey Boston, is it so hard to get a woman the steaming hot cup of shit coffee she so desperately craves?
May 4, 2010 at 8:56 pm
I was born and raised in (and insanely headed back to) MA. But my “native” county just south of Boston had water and the Dunks were open (my friend works for them). I’m looking forward to some DD. We don’t have them in this part of redneckville
May 4, 2010 at 8:59 pm
Gunfunnit! We’ve got vog here in Hawaii and apparently I’m stoned on lava particles or something because I thought the image behind the invective on Bronc’s T-shirt design was a CRAB … I missed the map of Beantown until I took out my magnifier and tried to identify the exact species of crab …
Darned volcanic dust ….
May 4, 2010 at 8:59 pm
#42, Tarabu, That’s what I thought. We used to go down to Baltimore to hammer crabs of the blue and spicey variety every summer.
But having been deprived of caffine, of even the weak and watery Dunkin Donughts variety, is bound to cause a little confusion and I daresay a jury could let one off with more murderous deeds for lesser reasons.
Doesn’t the water in the coffee machine have to boil in order for it to MAKE the coffee? One should always carry one of these:
May 4, 2010 at 8:59 pm
http://www.amazon.com/Toastess-TFC-2T-450-Watt-Personal-Size-Coffeemaker/dp/B00030CGIG
May 4, 2010 at 9:17 pm
I’m curious why no one just made some coffee with bottled water…no effort needed…but then we wouldn’t have Helen’s post and the aftermath. Regretsy forever!!
May 4, 2010 at 9:28 pm
being from salt lake city, i’m totally going to try to work in the regionally-appropriate phrase “brine-shrimp-hammering puritanical dickbags” into a conversation with my neighbors. wheeeeee!!!!
May 4, 2010 at 9:34 pm
Ahhh, I really should have read the original thread first…now I get it. I am impressed how angry the term crab hammering is making some Bostonians. tee hee.
I still think someone who loves you, HK, should buy you a single serving travel coffee maker for future possible coffee emergency situations. so you are not at the mercy of future dickbags who cannot boil water. They make way better coffee than Dunks ANY day.
May 4, 2010 at 9:53 pm
Remembering my ridiculous hangover from Sunday morning, I must say I would boycott fucking retarded Massachusetts too for not serving me coffee.
…and I live here.
And I don’t type in my accent cuz that’s wicked fucking gay.
Also, I’m buying a shirt. Once my welfare check clears.
May 4, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Well finally someone found a real use for that overpriced Via bullshit.
It’s stupid though — they could have used a bunch of those 5-gallon water cooler bottles to make coffee and been heroes. Problem solved.
And I agree with the poster who said that Seattle wouldn’t stand for it. They’d be making coffee out of rainwater if they had to (insert Seattle rain joke here).
May 4, 2010 at 11:17 pm
I absolutely love this in the old style beer stein version. It looks colonial, like Paul Revere himself might have had a stiff pint of maybe fecal ridden ale in it.
I think I know what I am getting my friend Pete for his birthday this year.
May 4, 2010 at 11:18 pm
Good stuff, this is some good stuff here!
May 5, 2010 at 1:05 am
If you can somehow work in a scrawl of an actual dickbag, I’ll buy one of those.
May 5, 2010 at 2:51 am
My only concerns would be: 1. Whether Dunkin Donuts actually had suitable facilities to boil water (it’s not like they have a full kitchen-they’re a donut shop. The hotel has no excuse though.). 2. Whether the average Dunkin Donuts employee could be trusted to properly boil water (running it through one of those electric kettles or a coffee maker won’t do it). 3. How the employees will be able to practice hand hygiene when the water coming out of the tap is contaminated. Bottled frapucchino…
May 5, 2010 at 2:54 am
Rebekah @64: “It looks colonial, like Paul Revere himself might have had a stiff pint of maybe fecal ridden ale in it.”
Actually, that’s one reason almost everyone used to drink alcoholic drinks in those days: they were safer to drink than water because boiling the water in the brewing process killed the germs. They didn’t realize that was the reason, of course. They just noticed the had less of a tendency to die of dysentery when they drank beer.
May 5, 2010 at 7:03 am
Maybe they’re saintly dickbags, you know, like in the drawing…
May 5, 2010 at 9:55 am
I think that’s hilarious (even as a Masshole), but… I don’t get what crabs have to do with MA? Lobsters maybe? T-shirt fail? :/
May 5, 2010 at 10:47 am
Would have been funnier if Boston were known for crabs. A bean joke or even lobster would sound more like you knew what city you were in.
May 5, 2010 at 10:49 am
Wait – let me get a pen.
May 5, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Personally, I can’t tell what COUNTRY I am in before my morning coffee, let alone being able to distinguish between boiled crustaceans.
Who knew Regretsy could be educational? So far we have marine biology, geography and history, all in one thread.
Tally ho!
May 5, 2010 at 12:38 pm
I must say, as a Baltimorian, I am offended. We are the true crab-hammering dick bags thank you very much.
May 5, 2010 at 12:55 pm
#75@ Dear Tuffy -Awww, my Grampa’ was from Baltimore &
wasn’t crabby a day in his short sweet life.
Seems to me that Arizona is getting in on some dickbag action these days….
May 5, 2010 at 4:34 pm
#76 hamoza :
Yes, but we only have scorpions here in AZ, and you really don’t want to get that close.
September 18, 2011 at 4:51 pm
Nasty little buggers. When I was in the Navy, I lived on base in a barracks in 29 palms Ca one time and there was a scorpion at the door of my barracks room. luckily I was carrying a cooler chest. I looked at the cooler chest, looked at the scorpion and went SPLAT with my cooler chest.
May 5, 2010 at 5:28 pm
#77@Monstrosa,I love your state . We’ve done a ton of camping/hiking from corner to corner & have yet to see a scorpion , which is too bad ‘cuz I love that sort of thing.
May 5, 2010 at 5:46 pm
#78 hamoza :
They’re really good at hiding. I’ve never seen one either. Been here 5 years, seen hundreds of thousands of bats, a few rattlers, tarantulas and enormous beetles flying through dust clouds like it’s some alien planet. But not a scorpion to be seen.
May 5, 2010 at 10:21 pm
@61 Where I come from it would be cow-hammering, redneck dickbags.
May 6, 2010 at 12:18 am
Fuck it. i’m getting a mug!
May 7, 2010 at 11:49 am
Oh geez, I had to go and look up “crab hammering…”
May 7, 2010 at 11:51 am
This is all a big misunderstanding. “Crab Hammering” isn’t even a reference to food! Crab Hammering is instead a term used to describe the extraordinarily vigorous bedroom activities of those infested with pubic lice.
May 7, 2010 at 11:56 am
Reluctantly, I must fault the Bostonians on their hospitality. If Ms. Killer specifically requests coffee made with boiled poopy water, hospitality demands that it be served to her.
May 7, 2010 at 11:06 pm
I live in Wakefield and also had no water, but we watched the Dunkin Donuts behind my house carry jugs of water inside. Coffee for all!
Guess Boston businesses just don’t give two shits…
May 10, 2010 at 5:24 pm
I’ve worked at three different Dunkin Donuts in my time, and none of them had a regular stove burner where you could boil water, just warmers. Water for coffee isn’t boiled, just heated to almost boiling. Also the coffee makers are attached to the water supply so jugs of water wouldn’t make a difference unless someone brought in a different kind of coffee maker for that day. Even then, there’s no way to rinse the coffee pots or wash your hands. In summary: not Dunkin Donuts’ fault.
May 15, 2010 at 4:57 pm
@57 Lucretia: The reason you didn’t recognize the city is that most of the city was left off the drawing. Apparently neither Allston nor Brighton are part of Boston, and there’s nothing south of the fens until you get to Milton.
April 23, 2011 at 5:28 pm
Yeah, first rule of proper sanitation for any restaurant.
No clean water source = Not open.
Otherwise hello Health Inspector and hello mega fine!
Lets talk about the douche that jackhammered into the water main and broke it in the first place!