Guest Post: Merrill Markoe
Merrill Markoe is a five-time Emmy award winner for her work on Late Night with David Letterman. She created most of the original concepts for that show, including segments like “Stupid Pet Tricks”, “Stupid Human Tricks” and “Viewer Mail.”
These days she is writing books, making short films and maintaining her web site. Her latest book, Nose Down, Eyes Up comes out in paperback today.
I have loved and admired Merill for years, and I am out of my tiny mind that she agreed to be the first Regretsy guest contributor. Although I almost didn’t ask her, because I don’t want you to get used to real writing.
THE FIRST REGRETSY TYPO HALL OF FAME
There will always be a special place in my heart for spelling errors.
Here is a photo I took when I was on vacation:
Perhaps I love them so much because I was raised to fear them. My mother lived her life on an ever vigilant spelling patrol. Because she never left the house without a black sharpie in her purse, as we walked through the produce section of our local grocery store, her face would light up with joy whenever she spied a misspelled word she could correct. She was never more fulfilled than when she was drawing a black line through the E that someone had mistakenly put on the end of tomato; one of the two words she could count on more than any others for frequent misspellings. She was constantly on the lookout for signs that said “potatoe” or “tomatoe”, because she knew that although people often add an “e” to the singular, tomatoes and potatoes ONLY have an E when they are plural.
Hah! GOTCHA.
I can only imagine the joy that the internet, with its bad grammar and terrible typos, would have brought to my disgruntled mother. She would have become so famous for firing off critical comments to a million websites day and night that I would have had to change my last name. So for me, Mother’s Day comes a little early this year as I am honored to moderate the first Regretsy Typo Hall of Fame.
Helpful hint: When preparing to immortalize the depth and breadth of the love you feel in “pigmented inks that will last a lifetime”, its a good idea to make a brief stop at spellcheck first. On the other hand, if this artist had also left a space between the ‘all’ and the ‘ways’, she could have redeemed herself and perhaps had even more success by pretending that it was a pro gay marriage statement! Unfortunately, she goofed twice and spelled the word correctly in the description. Damn. She came so close to saving her own ass.
Cross stitching is such a painstaking and meticulous art. Weeks may have gone in to this misspelling of backwards. And I, for one, applaud that. In fact, I plan to buy several to put on my mother’s grave.
Remember what they taught you in grade school: I before E, except after steak? But that was so long ago, and since then you have matured, and found your own reasons for wanting a tote bag with a photo of a big piece of meat on it. Therefore I suppose it could be argued, in some ironic way, that your whole experience is only enhanced by having PEICE spelled incorrectly. I don’t have to tell you that when it comes to steak humor and tote bags, well, every illiterate detail just makes it a little bit tastier.
I can’t recall ever saying “Have a sweet day” to anyone, so the fact that the mug says “Sweat Day” is really kind of a trade off since I also can’t recall ever saying “Have a sweat day” to anyone. But sooner or later, someone is going to market a National Sweat Day, and when they do…HA! Because I was smart enough to buy a lot of these on sale, I’m going to be way ahead of the game!!
There is no H in wimp. But the way I see it, maybe its not too late for this artist to change the “W” to a “C”.
Those of us who would like a nice America sculptue prefer that our M’s be extra long and voluptuous. That way they’re much more sculptued. And that much more Ammmerican. I’m not sure why. They just are.
Occasionally, a misspelling is actually an improvement. I am going to use this spelling of “wore drove” from now on, and to hell with the editor who tries to make me correct it.
In closing, let me say thank you for sharing these blunders with me. And if you are looking for a funny book about dogs, my last novel just came out in paperback today. It’s called Nose Down, Eyes Up, and I’m sure it is full of misspellings. But when you find them, I’d just as soon you not tell me.
April 20, 2010 at 9:38 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
April 20, 2010 at 9:39 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
April 20, 2010 at 9:42 am
Maybe she meant “war drove”…….of killer bees……
http://www.flickr.com/photos/dminor7/4537834709/
April 20, 2010 at 9:42 am
Is this a test to see who is pedantic enough to correct the correction of the America pendant?
April 20, 2010 at 9:43 am
Ms. Markoe,
Thanks for dropping in on our humble group! “CONGRADS” on being the first of I hope many, guest contributors…I also can’t stand spelling errors- I would have loved your mom.
ps- I can’t stand when people spell “congrats” that way
April 20, 2010 at 9:45 am
YAY!!! I love me some Merrill Marko! (I took the liberty of correcting the spelling of your name. The “e” is only added when it’s pluralzed.)
I also take a sharpie everyweere to display my spelling superiorittee.
April 20, 2010 at 9:46 am
Also, what do I win for passing/failing said pedantistry test? And then what do I win for making up the word pedantistry?
April 20, 2010 at 9:52 am
Terrific piece! I, too, live in fear of typos. I think it all began when I was in grade school and a classmate wrote that I was their “next store neighbor”.
April 20, 2010 at 9:52 am
dang, thumbs-downed for intentionally misspelling “first” in a post about misspellings. Some people have no sense of iron knee.
April 20, 2010 at 9:53 am
OMGICAN’TTAKEITANYMORE!!!!
I realize that real cursive handwriting is a dying art (and good riddance), but there are indeed three bumps in a cursive “m”.
It’s like hearing shave-and-a-haircut and not doing two-bits.
And yes, I just exploded every irony meter in a 3,000 mile radius.
April 20, 2010 at 9:54 am
I feel like amidst the humour, we got to know you a bit. Your mum. Your holiday pictures. Can I tell people we’re friends now?
April 20, 2010 at 9:56 am
Pantsmonkey, The third bump is only there if you start the letter from the bottom. the pendant starts in from the top.
April 20, 2010 at 9:56 am
HaHa
SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT…..
April 20, 2010 at 9:56 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
April 20, 2010 at 9:57 am
Actually, what REALLY gets my eye twitching is the classic “Wah-La!” That is one spelling bitchslap that is cruelly hard to resist.
April 20, 2010 at 9:57 am
Wheeeeee-Merrillee we roll along.
Fuck the law in Tallni Estonia, where’s a good spell Czech when you need one?
April 20, 2010 at 9:59 am
mtopia: Only because the artiste mixed a non-cursive “A” with the rest of the cursive word. “merica” as a cursive unit is correct. Stupid, but correct.
April 20, 2010 at 9:59 am
I just feel sorry for the motel person left stranded with no Rs. That’s when you really need a sharpie.
April 20, 2010 at 10:00 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
April 20, 2010 at 10:01 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
April 20, 2010 at 10:01 am
Just think , what if they had a war & the troops didn’t come in war droves?
April 20, 2010 at 10:02 am
p.s. Sorry I can’t resist , then maybe we really could give peice a chance.
April 20, 2010 at 10:03 am
#12- Daggummit… but… but if they had used a cursive A like they should have, it would have come from the bottom and the three humps would be correct.
That’s it, I’m going to find some yellowed note-cards and write “whimbsicle” on them. In cursive. With an extra hump in the m.
April 20, 2010 at 10:05 am
yellowed to perfection
April 20, 2010 at 10:06 am
#24 , isn’t that yelloed ?
April 20, 2010 at 10:06 am
@23/17 To be perfectly honest, I have always thought the bump looked stupid despite its correctness. My name starts with an ‘m’ and I Allways make the first bump pointy and smaller when I write it.
I’m glad that there are other cursive writers out there. *hug*
April 20, 2010 at 10:11 am
Also, Pegpetsy!
April 20, 2010 at 10:12 am
Stop with the cursiving, you guys! It’s fucking Merril Markoes! Show some respict. Her dogs are smarter than you.
April 20, 2010 at 10:13 am
Welcome to our little corner of innernet fuckery, Merrill! It’s a series of tubes!
Wish I had a photo of a Wendy’s sign that was up for about 2 years near my apt in Austin during my college days: “Now Hiring Fried Faces”
Apparently, the N, L and the Y had fallen off. A truer statement was never posted in the annals of Wendy’s signs.
April 20, 2010 at 10:15 am
#29, at least they avoided the dreaded ‘fried feces’
April 20, 2010 at 10:20 am
I love this feature. I also want one of those Sweat day mugs for when the air conditioning breaks down over the summer.
April 20, 2010 at 10:21 am
#30 hamoza : You’re confused. That’s KFC.
April 20, 2010 at 10:21 am
Efit, did you add an extra “n” in annals?
(kidding)
April 20, 2010 at 10:23 am
Monstrosa: Are you keedding? I can think of no more appropriately comic response to this post than an epic session of pedantistry!
April 20, 2010 at 10:23 am
@#30 – *shudder*
@#33 – My mind wasn’t on the scat when I wrote that, but I’m happy to see yours was when you replied. Love you, Raz!
April 20, 2010 at 10:23 am
#32Monstrosa, how quickly I forgot. My first job in high school was at KFC.
April 20, 2010 at 10:24 am
Happy Sweat Day everyone!!!
April 20, 2010 at 10:26 am
#34 pantsmonkey :
At least somebody’s spilling “pendant” corectly.
April 20, 2010 at 10:27 am
mtopia…You write your name with a small m?
As an English teacher I have a hard time not reaching for my red pen when I see spelling errors in public. I have been known to correct posters in the hallways, and memos (ala passiveagressivenotes.com) left by fellow teachers. I can understand typos in haste, anger or passion, or even a shortage of signage Rs (no Rs? Thank god we have Ps — same, same but different.), but how hard is it to double check your cross stitch? I mean Come ON!
April 20, 2010 at 10:28 am
Backwads is the slang term for retrograde ejaculations.
April 20, 2010 at 10:28 am
Oh sheesh, I’m not sure I’m smart enough for all this fuckery. Welcome Merrill! (shit, did I spell that write?)
April 20, 2010 at 10:35 am
Have we discovered a world-wide shortage of the letter “r” and can Regretsy be the hero(ine) that saves us? As wonderful as the Alchemy fund is, we may have spotted a terrifying trend in time that no-one need marry wearing shi_t, or stay in a POOM ever again anywhere! Save the cheepleadep, save the world.
April 20, 2010 at 10:39 am
Pendantacy resolved
http://i44.tinypic.com/5dkt9c.jpg
April 20, 2010 at 10:41 am
Mmm, I love me some Mmmerrill Mmmarkoe.
BTW, here’s the apostrophe you left out of your fourth critique: ‘
No problem. Happy to do it.
April 20, 2010 at 10:43 am
#43 leftfoot: That was like a Spot the Difference. I had to look back and forth several times to figure out the change.
Oh and correction, it’s pendantacy pesolved!
April 20, 2010 at 10:45 am
Wellcum too the whimbsie
April 20, 2010 at 10:45 am
Ms Merrill Markoe
Finds fucquery for funsters
Smartie with Sharpie
April 20, 2010 at 10:46 am
#45 sudabaki© : haha those damn r’s parading as p’s *smacks self in forehead repeatedly*
April 20, 2010 at 10:48 am
Also, it’s amazing what one can do in less time than it takes to watch How I Met Your Mother whilst celebrating 4/20 and simultaneously mourning (in proper fashion, of course) the passing of Jack Herer.
Welcome to Regretsy, Merrill. I’ve laughed at a lot of your material over the years. You’re fantaztic!
April 20, 2010 at 10:50 am
#48 leftfoot: east, west, left, right, P, R, it’s all so confusing sometimes.
Sometimes motherhood makes me whimper but not as much as when I realize I can’t spell.
April 20, 2010 at 10:51 am
LOL @ #33 pazbeppies
April 20, 2010 at 10:52 am
#50 sudabaki© : I don’t know what I did before the days of the red line underneath words.. Well, yes I do. I spelled horribly. (Now there just needs to be grammar correction without that damn annoying paperclip I want to stab in the eye.)
April 20, 2010 at 10:53 am
I was so busy trying to recall the difference between “dessert” and “desert” I totally missed the actual typo- Backwads!
April 20, 2010 at 10:56 am
…oh yeah, and for me, ANY day that I Love ALLways is a sweat day!
April 20, 2010 at 10:57 am
I totally needed this today! Grazie!
April 20, 2010 at 10:58 am
Coolpauper: it’s a total cornucopia of misspelling. I’m overwhelmed, in a good way. Did anyone catch “securelly” on the magnolia listing?
April 20, 2010 at 10:59 am
Hooboy! The thumbs downers are out today!
April 20, 2010 at 11:01 am
I don’t care about the magnolia brooch, but now I really want a wore drove. Whatever the hell it is, it sounds awesome.
April 20, 2010 at 11:01 am
wow, for the first time in my adult life I’m proud to be thumbs-downed. If only I could bottle this feeling and sell it on etsy…
April 20, 2010 at 11:03 am
…and then there’s this…
http://www.beersteak.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/get-a-brain-morans-go-usa.jpg
April 20, 2010 at 11:11 am
wow–misteaks were made!
I’m all in peices here
April 20, 2010 at 11:14 am
Whenever the red thumbers show up in war droves, I can’t help but wonder if we’re turning on our own, or if the Etsy nice police chartered a bus and came over to protest.
April 20, 2010 at 11:16 am
Wow, someone is extra shitty today. Who ran over your Pegretsy pipe?
I’m a spelling nazi, too – sharpie in purse at all times
April 20, 2010 at 11:16 am
Your mother would have just adored an Asian market near our home a few years ago, Merrill, that was a true cornucopia of misspellings. In fact, I nearly stole and framed the sign over the lemon grass that said: REMON GRESS.
Welcome to our corner of internet fuckery — the only problem is that this place is a major time suck. But worth every second of wasted work time!
April 20, 2010 at 11:20 am
#26 mtopia: The first bump is supposed to be small, assuming you use a majuscule “M”.
#42 myself : Da_n, da_n, da_n. That last post was supposed to end with “wo_ld”.
April 20, 2010 at 11:21 am
#62 sudabaki© : I think it’d be more fun to assume we’re turning on ourselves and have a good, old-fashioned witch hunt.
April 20, 2010 at 11:25 am
My favorite odd (but not misspelled) sign spotted on vacation at a gas station/diner: Kids with gas eat free.
April 20, 2010 at 11:30 am
#66 leftfoot: Looks like you hit a nerve. I love cannibalism.
April 20, 2010 at 11:41 am
I am confused now. My (real) first name starts with an M, and even in third grade when I learned cursive, it has only ever had two humps. Maybe I was taught wrong?
Yay, Merrill Markoe! I own your “Turning in Circles” book. It’s awesome! We own basset hounds, and my husband and I still say to each other sometimes “Have you got any more of that Dinty Moore beef stew?” LOL
April 20, 2010 at 11:54 am
I love the Motherhood sign the most (as I have spit out 3 kids in 5 years).
I disagree with the suggested change of
*chimps need not apply*.
I think chimps should apply. I’d much rather spend time at the playground with chimps than some of the idiots out there that reproduce.
Frightening stuff.
April 20, 2010 at 12:09 pm
Oh No! Helen, your link to the lovely looking “Nose Down, Eyes Up” is labeled “Nose Up, Eyes Down” ! How appropriate
April 20, 2010 at 12:14 pm
@ #71 Fucking hell.
Thank you
April 20, 2010 at 12:18 pm
#71 & #72: That’s kind of fucktastic really.
April 20, 2010 at 12:27 pm
WhimsyMistress: You remember correctly, actually. The “M” does only have two humps as a capital letter. It’s just as a lowercase letter that it has three. Same with the “N”. Capital has one, lowercase has two. It’s really just a function of a writing system where you never lift the pen from the paper during any given word. To make that work, the letters all have to end in roughly the same position (i.e., the lower right corner of the letter). Thus the extra hump at the beginning of the…
April 20, 2010 at 12:27 pm
… “M” and “N”.
April 20, 2010 at 12:28 pm
<– word nerd
April 20, 2010 at 12:29 pm
#71/#72: Actually, I assumed that was entirely intentional and completely hilarious!
April 20, 2010 at 12:40 pm
you gaiz r liek so meen fo rmaking fun of peopel spellnig lik that
April 20, 2010 at 12:48 pm
@Suda,
it’s like performance art.
April 20, 2010 at 12:52 pm
Merrill, thank you for the hilarious guest post. Wun of us, wun of us…
April 20, 2010 at 12:55 pm
@Skully–agreed! It’s one of the few instances where proofreading put a smile on my face.
April 20, 2010 at 1:14 pm
I suffered from terrible backwads for years until I stopped with the heavy lifting and tried heavy petting instead.
April 20, 2010 at 1:17 pm
DOUBLE THICK TRIPPLE strength ahsum saws!! and one for Merrill to !
April 20, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Okay, everyone is talking about the “m”, but nobody has mentioned what is bothering me about it. Even if it is supposed to have an extra hump, wouldn’t the second leg of the hump still reach all the way to the ground? It might actually look as if they made it correctly if it did. If they did that with an “n” in cursive everyone would assume it was an “m”. Right now it just looks like an alien letter.
April 20, 2010 at 1:23 pm
Also, I have never been so frightened to comment as I have been in this thread! I re-read my last comment about four times to check for errors, and I probably still made some! In fact, I contemplated taking the easy route of intentionally misspelling words, and judging from the commentary, I’m guessing many of my fellow commenters chose to go that route.
April 20, 2010 at 1:42 pm
I can just hear a Family Guy episode where Stewie says “Wh-imp.”
April 20, 2010 at 1:45 pm
My grandmother and Helen’s mother would have been best friends. My grandmother was a library parapro and playground teacher, there isn’t a childhood memory of her that doesn’t involve being corrected. In fact we buried her with her damned playground whistle, to the delight of all her former students.
April 20, 2010 at 1:47 pm
Crap an then I totally botched whose mother it was. It is “whose” right?
April 20, 2010 at 1:47 pm
Oh, I’m late coming into this one because I had to leave the house.
I’ll chime in with the hatred of misspellings. I don’t correct things in public anymore, I just take photos and submit them to various websites that mock them.
I hate misspelling things online, especially here, where we lack the edit button.
April 20, 2010 at 2:30 pm
So, Ms. Markoe, should I not point out that in your comments concerning “Love Allways” you wrote “its a good idea” when I believe you meant “it’s a good idea”.
April 20, 2010 at 3:25 pm
the “wore drove” one makes me think of the argument I used to have with my brothers when we were kids that “ambulance” was actually “anvillance.” Of course by the time I was old enough to sell stuff on Etsy, I had figured out my error.
The spelling errors and lazy, shortened texting style writing I see everywhere now make me fear for our cultural future. Along the lines of that movie “Idiocracy,” where the prez of the United States is a former Smackdown champ.
April 20, 2010 at 3:35 pm
Did Al Gore invent the intepnet too?
April 20, 2010 at 3:50 pm
#91 HomeAlone: When I first saw that movie I wanted to think it was a total exaggeration, but I’m beginning to think of it more as a documentary every day.
April 20, 2010 at 4:00 pm
This first guest post has my inner spelling Nazi saluting in glee!
I kind of love the mug, plus it’s 1/2 off, but then, owl collecting lunatic I am, saw this: http://www.etsy.com/listing/45144958/pretty-little-plate-ill-allways-love-you
I’m so torn between the two I think my brain may explode.
April 20, 2010 at 4:14 pm
I’m shocked that the ‘m’ is still being discussed so “pendentically.”
Also, Whimsy Mistress, my real name starts with an ‘m’ too.
Next time I check into a hotel, I’m going for one with wifl intepnet, which sounds like an extreme sport for dogs.
April 20, 2010 at 4:47 pm
‘Backwads’ has nice ring of insult about it.
“It’s called an apostrophe, backwads.”
“Stressed is desserts spelled, backwads.”
Hmm, I think I have worked what to yell at those people who get in the way of my masterful driving.
April 20, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Because I can’t help perpetuating the whole “pedanticker than thou” theme, I must point out how many humps there really are on that Ammerica wire thing. Too many:
http://twitpic.com/1h5llp
You see, Miss Markoe, we’re all about excitement and controversy over here!
April 20, 2010 at 5:11 pm
Debbie, I may have just developed slight platonic intepnet crush on you.
April 20, 2010 at 5:12 pm
U gys mak mme laff!
April 20, 2010 at 6:03 pm
When life hands you blunders , make merry. Or is that make Merrill? Either way , it’s all good fuckery.
April 20, 2010 at 6:10 pm
You guys all obviously misinterpreted the motel sign. Luckily, I was here to correct the spelling.
First misspelling was intended to be the motel’s advertising the famously good hygeine of its resident prostitutes.
The second…well, I don’t know, but it could be an alternate name for Regretsy
Check the link.
http://s1045.photobucket.com/albums/b457/jpablocam/RegretsyStuff/?action=view¤t=poom.jpg
April 20, 2010 at 8:13 pm
#93 Sudabaki, it’s a prophecy. I’m almost sure of it.
April 20, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Debbie you are Awesome, and your flounce frame make me laugh so loud my cat jumped.
April 20, 2010 at 9:20 pm
Ah, the powep of Pegpetsy! Most of this shit has SOLD!
April 20, 2010 at 9:33 pm
I think we should start a VEDD fan page on FB.
April 21, 2010 at 3:57 am
Good reid! Your mother wood of loved me!
April 21, 2010 at 6:43 am
As an illustrator, the “Love Allways” one just pisses me off. A clipart heart and horrible font do not constitute an illustration. Especially an $18 ‘illustration’. And why did it sell? Whoever actually bought that deserves to receive a thousand papercuts from it.
April 21, 2010 at 7:56 am
There is quite the Markoe fan club here, so I’m risking my popularity by pointing out…her writing here just wasn’t that funny. Or clever or insightful or whimsicle. HK’s tons funnier, and the comments are, as usual, screamingly hilarious (pantsmonkey I love you!). HK, kindly skip the guest post, or get a different writer, or make Markoe do better than sleepwalking through it next time?
April 21, 2010 at 8:15 am
This is totally my mom too, but she took extra delight at the grocery in finding the apples priced at .80cents/lb, trying to explain $.80 vs .80cents to the hapless produce manager, and eventually being such a pain in the ass that they let her leave with 5lbs of apples for $.04.
April 21, 2010 at 9:40 am
CLEAN POOM.
That’s good advice.
April 21, 2010 at 1:41 pm
I was so busy checking out the desserts/ stressed thing that I missed “backwads”. Brilliant!
April 21, 2010 at 2:14 pm
#109 5lbs of apples for $.04. Dont you mean’ .04 since.
What I hate is the use of alot (a lot) and 3rd- world product warnings -”donot heat while your wearing or wear while heating in microwave device”. (On a cloth heating pack).
April 21, 2010 at 2:22 pm
# 47 I actually checked Urban Dictionary to see if you were right! You weren’t, but it’s a great definition!
April 21, 2010 at 9:13 pm
I gotta say, I stapted at the top of this page at “clean pooms” and at the bottom of this comment list I am laughing so hapd that I’ve ppactically peed my pants all over my bedpoom and my dog is vepy concepned. Damn you fuckeps make me laugh!
April 24, 2010 at 1:39 pm
Did anyone else notice “life time” in the Love Allways description?
I don’t care how many bumps are *supposed* to there, I keep reading that as “Amnerica.” But look where the loop is…that pendant will hang with the word placed vertically. I bet it’s even goofier to read in that position.
May 18, 2010 at 12:55 pm
I am a spelling nazi. I know it. The world’s illiteracy drives me crazy, and so I went over the edge a loong time ago.
But I have to ask… does anyone here know that “whimsicle” is not a word? We make fun of others, but
it is WHIMSICAL *WHIMSICAL*
Unless it is a Whim-Sicle to denote a delicious iced treat of fuckery, and I missed the point. If so I apologize! But it’s making me cringe. Fire away!
May 18, 2010 at 1:00 pm
Steamcat, we do know. We spell it that way as an homage to this.
There are always at least 100 items tagged “whimsicle” on Etsy.
November 12, 2010 at 6:04 am
Wow… Am I ever late to this party. My bad… At any rate, I’m not so sure that the Scrabble pendant really qualifies as a spelling error. All the time growing up we *always* spelled “whimp” as, well… WHIMP with an “h”.
Could it be perhaps a geographical/regional thing as with the diff between the American “humor” and the English/Canadian “humour”?
I’m confus.
No, I think it just means you’ve never been able to spell. – HK