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Easter Morning Wood

Posted by Helen Killer

106 comments

This is amazing, all right. But not as amazing as finding out that Pope John Paul II has a Facebook page! He doesn’t post too often though, seeing as he’s dead. He probably spends most of the time Superpoking Barbaro and throwing sheep at Patrick Swayze.

More importantly, does anyone really see Jesus in this thing? I mean I know it’s Easter and everything, but come on. As far as I’m concerned, if it’s not on a tortilla, it ain’t Jesus. Which by the way, is Taco Bell’s new tag line.

Filed in Bullshit 106 comments

106 Comments

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Apr 4, 2010
11:39 am

#1 WANNA POST ALL NIGHT :

Poor Mary’s got one hell of a brain tumor.

Rate this comment: +60

Apr 4, 2010
11:40 am

#2 Orlana :

I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell for laughing at this. XD

Rate this comment: +22

Apr 4, 2010
11:40 am

#3 ohsotal :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -3

Apr 4, 2010
11:40 am

#4 ohsotal :

It is a fucking piece of wood.

Rate this comment: +44

Apr 4, 2010
11:43 am

#5 VagooBlingTM :

Now see, if he was any good at marketing at ALL he’d be running it on special for $99,999.99 today only as it is Easter and all.
Furthermore, the price is clearly warranted as he MADE THE TREE by HAND. Just imagine the price on the Grand Canyon should he ever decide to declutter and part with THAT gem.

Rate this comment: +77

Apr 4, 2010
11:44 am

#6 piperanasazi :

don’t forget Barabbas “Thanks a lot buddy”

Rate this comment: +2

Apr 4, 2010
11:44 am

#7 hethatisme :

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if he could turn water into wine?

Rate this comment: +37

Apr 4, 2010
11:44 am

#8 DucksNew :

$100,000?! If the seller wants that much it should be listed on eBay like the grilled cheese.

Rate this comment: +29

Apr 4, 2010
11:46 am

#9 leftfoot :

holy zombie jesus.

Rate this comment: +15

Apr 4, 2010
11:47 am

#10 WANNA POST ALL NIGHT :

There’s an “most expensive wood since __” joke in here somewhere…

Rate this comment: +25

Apr 4, 2010
11:48 am

#11 sudabaki© :

I do knot see Mary or Jesus in this.

Rate this comment: +95

Apr 4, 2010
11:48 am

#12 BrianMPLS :

Dude, it looks more like your mom stepping out of the shower. With a turd on her head. Wearing an undersized frowny-face mask.

Rate this comment: +29

Apr 4, 2010
11:48 am

#13 MajorDanger :

Haha! I like this very Munch.

Rate this comment: +40

Apr 4, 2010
11:53 am

#14 ciarapeter :

Free shipping!

Rate this comment: +18

Apr 4, 2010
11:58 am

#15 sofacitysweethearts :

@ #2 — I think you’re safe. I’m pretty sure that if there were a hell, this seller would be going there for trying to sell the Messiah for six figures.

Rate this comment: +45

Apr 4, 2010
12:01 pm

#16 cappysue :

hmm his name for his other site is Bigcrumbs that sounds about right. I hope jesus comes back and kicks him in the crotch.

Rate this comment: +25

Apr 4, 2010
12:01 pm

#17 redredred :

Some questions:
1. Why do people think Jesus is the patron saint of shameless profits? Did he not supposedly live a humble life or am I missing something here?

2. Why do I not see anything except a $100,000 cedar board? If I squint I see some shape that may be human but I see nothing holy.

3. Does it technically count as handmade if the image is created by divine intervention?

Rate this comment: +73

Apr 4, 2010
12:02 pm

#18 Suka :

From what I can see, it’s an alien with boobs.

Rate this comment: +42

Apr 4, 2010
12:03 pm

#19 hamoza :

Oh Lourdes…It’s a good thing the dude quit while he was a head.
I saw a donut in my bowl of cheerios this morning , & knew immediately that I had something really special. I ate every last bit , holes & all.Bet I’m going to hell.

Rate this comment: +14

Apr 4, 2010
12:05 pm

#20 redredred :

#15 Suka: Well, I’m more willing to believe that. Since one can’t find intelligent life on Earth, I’d hope that it’s somewhere else in the universe.

Rate this comment: +10

Apr 4, 2010
12:06 pm

#21 katemonster :

Easter Special! Buy now and a Money Cross ABSOLUTELY FREE! That’s a twenty dollar value ABSOLUTELY FREE! Call now, folks…this deal won’t last long!

Rate this comment: +25

Apr 4, 2010
12:11 pm

#22 sudabaki© :

If you find $100,000 a bit steep, this may be more in your price range, but equally as dedicated to god???

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_2&listing_id=42206795

Rate this comment: +13

Apr 4, 2010
12:17 pm

#23 Tawn-ya :

I found Jesus on the back of my cookie sheet. He looks a little like Frank Zappa, doesn’t he?

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=855894&l=d5bcc6008d&id=1229338050

Rate this comment: +17

Apr 4, 2010
12:18 pm

#24 VagooBlingTM :

Yah know… If you squint at it long enough you can see where Mary has HUGE aureoles. Two of them… and neither one is around her head in the deity type definition. Also. It appears there is an Italian Greyhound between her legs. Which could also explain the price tag. Hand made wooden trees with bonus bestiality – beastiality, oh heck. Animal porn.

Rate this comment: +18

Apr 4, 2010
12:21 pm

#25 redredred :

#19 sudabaki:
I really hope no one buys that. I’ll throw Pepsi and PBR cans at them.

Rate this comment: +5

Apr 4, 2010
12:23 pm

#26 IscreamUscream :

The Scream on a board rocks!

Rate this comment: +4

Apr 4, 2010
12:23 pm

#27 redredred :

I have one more question:

If this is the mother of god and such, can’t she be given a miracle for those lopsided boobs?

Rate this comment: +11

Apr 4, 2010
12:24 pm

#28 lillyjacks :

Wait a second…looks like Mary’s “arms” are nailed into the wood. Like mother like son I gather…

Rate this comment: +5

Apr 4, 2010
12:25 pm

#29 starrydreams :

This is what I see. The dark spot on top on the left side looks like the face of a cat.

Under that it looks like a squinty face with a Jimmy Durante nose!!

No, I don’t see Jesus and Mary in that piece of crap, but then again, I am looking at it through the bottom of a martini glass!!

Rate this comment: +14

Apr 4, 2010
12:32 pm

#30 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

The seller says:

“Now the Christ Jesus His Face is a little harder to see for most…

His Face is only the Right side of his face looking at you on the Right of Mary.”

Gee thanks for clearing that up. I’ll buy it.

Rate this comment: +5

Apr 4, 2010
12:33 pm

#31 hamoza :

#23 Tawn-ya, Fuckin’-A , sure does!

Rate this comment: +4

Apr 4, 2010
12:33 pm

#32 Patty has returned the Australian :

My spouse makes things out of wood and only uses cedar as a special request because he says its more expensive than pine.

Looks like he’s right about that.

But, I’ve got to go now, because he’s got boxes of scrap wood that I need to go through to see if I can find some religious images I can sell. I got two kids heading to college in the next two years.

Rate this comment: +27

Apr 4, 2010
12:43 pm

#33 IscreamUscream :

Looking closer, I’m now having a vision of something else entirely

Rate this comment: +134

Apr 4, 2010
12:43 pm

#34 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

# 24 vagooblingTM – Are you sure that is an Italian Greyhound?

I saw an Afghan.

Rate this comment: +5

Apr 4, 2010
12:47 pm

#35 sudabaki© :

#33: It’s a pasta miracle!!!

Rate this comment: +11

Apr 4, 2010
12:48 pm

#36 hamoza :

I keep seeing ‘Elephant Man’…with a top knot.

Rate this comment: +13

Apr 4, 2010
12:55 pm

#37 IscreamUscream :

@sudabaki–and what miracle is complete without meatballs?

Rate this comment: +11

Apr 4, 2010
1:17 pm

#38 turnaround :

After seeing this, Jesus said, “THIS is what I rose for? Fuck that.”

Rate this comment: +16

Apr 4, 2010
1:33 pm

#39 starrydreams :

#33 ISUS- bwahhhh hahhhhhh!!! That looks better than my “vision”

Rate this comment: +6

Apr 4, 2010
1:42 pm

#40 mhinshaw :

oh heck, as long as we’re talking about the flying spaghetti monster, check this out: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_2&listing_id=40327209. The rest of his oeuvre is pretty cool, too.

Rate this comment: +3

Apr 4, 2010
1:43 pm

#41 cratz :

http://www.venganza.org/ For those not acquainted with The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Rate this comment: +5

Apr 4, 2010
1:59 pm

#42 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

Seller says:

“Will Sent more pictures as needed, and a more exact measurement.”

Was it too much effort to measure the thing for $100,000?

Rate this comment: +15

Apr 4, 2010
2:05 pm

#43 Patty has returned the Australian :

Ok, I’m back. I found three possible pieces…

Let me know what you think.

http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b80/psexypsychic/Miscellaneous%20junk/cedarKNOT1.jpg

http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b80/psexypsychic/Miscellaneous%20junk/cedarKNOT2.jpg

I think THIS one might be the one. I couldn’t believe my eyes!

http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b80/psexypsychic/Miscellaneous%20junk/cedarJESUS.jpg

Yeah?

Good-bye financial woes!

Rate this comment: +33

Apr 4, 2010
2:18 pm

#44 hamoza :

#43 Patty-scholarships? Who needs scholarships? Your kids can go to Harvard & you’ll still have a shitload
of $$$ left over after you sell those miracles on wood.

Rate this comment: +12

Apr 4, 2010
2:21 pm

#45 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

According to this guy Mary is a knotty girl.

Rate this comment: +9

Apr 4, 2010
2:23 pm

#46 tennessee :

I can’t see Jesus to save my life.

I do, however, see a naked woman, tied up with her hands over her head. She has some humongous saggy boobs!

If you look at this pic in the listing: http://ny-image2.etsy.com/il_430xN.129454362.jpg you can see her vagina.

I think I may have a mental problem…

Rate this comment: +15

Apr 4, 2010
2:44 pm

#47 razberries :

Hey, I see Oprah again!!!

(http://www.regretsy.com/2010/03/02/lumber-support/#comments)

Rate this comment: +7

Apr 4, 2010
2:56 pm

#48 Skully :

Lord-on-a-board would look great in our den, next to our Pope-on-a-rope.

Rate this comment: +30

Apr 4, 2010
3:06 pm

#49 Buzzkill To Teenagers :

#43 Patty – I didn’t see Jesus on your boards (except of course the last one) but I did see Elvis. Maybe there’s some money in that…

Rate this comment: +3

Apr 4, 2010
3:08 pm

#50 piperanasazi :

He is a scamming pyramid marketing creep –
other listing http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_2&listing_id=42206795

“Description

1 Money Clip with Money To use as a Joke, if you copy this idea and use it, I hope you pay Pal anyway.
This is just a first Item to list so I could link my Etsy acct with my Big Crumbs acct.

Be sure to check out my Big Crumbs link for more money !!
Try Big Crumbs .. Click this link for more money. I Did

Rate this comment: +6

Apr 4, 2010
3:11 pm

#51 Lucretia Borgia :

Oh no! Where does “Killer” find these things … I’m “screaming” …

Rate this comment: 0

Apr 4, 2010
3:18 pm

#52 IscreamUscream :

@skully Lord on a board!

Pope on a rope, as in Father Guido Sarducci? How could I forget.

Rate this comment: +7

Apr 4, 2010
3:21 pm

#53 Mrs. S. :

Sing-along time!

“It’s God, it’s God! It’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood!
It’s God, it’s God! It’s better than bad, it’s good!”

Rate this comment: +28

Apr 4, 2010
3:38 pm

#54 hamoza :

#53 @ Mrs. S. ~too funny!
It’s not as good as what the neighborhood woodpecker has done though…I swear that bird is a Da Vinci compared to this yutz on Etsy.

Rate this comment: +4

Apr 4, 2010
3:43 pm

#55 Skully :

ISUS, yeah SNL was actually funny in the ’70’s.

Rate this comment: +9

Apr 4, 2010
3:45 pm

#56 Skully :

ISUS, awesome FSM!

Rate this comment: +8

Apr 4, 2010
4:25 pm

#57 mtopia :

Well, well, we meet again Jesus and Mary. I thought I ate you both when you appeared on a pancake, and I thought I scrubbed away the you-shaped splotches on my wall. Apparently not. When will you leave me alone?

Rate this comment: +18

Apr 4, 2010
4:29 pm

#58 jenny :

#46– i showed that picture to my husband and he said, “Yup, looks like a vagina, and you can tell she is a virgin” And HE is the catholic one!

Rate this comment: +15

Apr 4, 2010
5:48 pm

#59 fame4crap :

I can’t see anything…I guess I have not drunk enough moonshine!

Rate this comment: +1

Apr 4, 2010
5:52 pm

#60 brandyk1972 :

I lived in a haunted home,the paneling in the living room has the same type of wood patterns.You can see faces all through the wood patterns and if you turn my photos upside down they show totally all new face patterns.The jesus is in my phots too.I thought it was a bearded man morphing into all types of diifernet faces even wolves.I think the mary form two marys one with her head down and one with breasts.On top of her her head looks like something no good with wings, under it forms the Mary.

Rate this comment: +24

Apr 4, 2010
6:00 pm

#61 brandyk1972 :

The home I stayed in was horribly haunted by this ghost.I have photos like this.This photo worries for this man.I know its not a joke.I was told its wood ghost making faces in the wood, and its no good and lies. It terrorized me for a summer.I have 3 scrap books of photos of this and the panneling.I was told this tree has some ugly things in making it no good.A demonic lie to this man thats mocking Jesus and Mary to him.Its on top of her head ,its no good wth a ugly face with wings.

Rate this comment: +24

Apr 4, 2010
6:13 pm

#62 knitvincible :

#23 Tawn-ya – That is so freaking awesome, especially the eyes!

Rate this comment: +1

Apr 4, 2010
6:14 pm

#63 knitvincible :

#53 Mrs. S. – And I had finally gotten the Log Song OUT of my head! At least it’s a good one.

Rate this comment: +4

Apr 4, 2010
6:17 pm

#64 brandyk1972 :

I think on top her top her head is a demon with a pointy nose and wings under it forming the Mary,Its making its self into the Mary, my wood photos are the same my ghost was a horible spirit.You can see other faces through the wood that are ugly.I hope this man does not have a evil demon after him, conning him with his wood art.I think this a evil mockery of Jesus and Mary to him.I would hope he would look for evil face through this would and get rid of it.

Rate this comment: +21

Apr 4, 2010
6:29 pm

#65 brandyk1972 :

I seen the two Marys and under the right knot(breast) is the white eye of Jesus.In my haunted photos I thought they were mountain men.This picture is a horible reminder to the worst summer of my life.It was a haunted hell.

Rate this comment: +16

Apr 4, 2010
6:32 pm

#66 nitebyrd :

I think Sasquatch might be in the woods but neither Jesus or Mary are in that board.

Rate this comment: +3

Apr 4, 2010
7:36 pm

#67 goldphoenix :

I’ve always felt that people who capitalize random letters are clinically insane. This guy just bolsters my opinion. That being said, it totally looks like the piece of wood the gang tried to get blessed by a senile priest on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Rate this comment: +14

Apr 4, 2010
7:46 pm

#68 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

#63 goldphoenix – I came Two Regretsy for the bad Art but eye staid for the Bad grammer.

Rate this comment: +26

Apr 4, 2010
8:32 pm

#69 MajorDanger :

I’m glad brandyk showed up. I was starting to get board.

Rate this comment: +41

Apr 4, 2010
8:33 pm

#70 ShroedingersGerbil :

If you turn your head a little and……nope still looks absolutely nothing.

Rate this comment: +8

Apr 4, 2010
8:33 pm

#71 TheOneThatControlsTheOtherVoices :

Brandy. NO! I told you to stay inside. I am in charge, and I’ll increase the meds if you keep doing this. You are NOT allowed on the computer! I burned the three scrapbooks of pictures of wood paneling. I had to. People thought it was an alternative art project, but they knew I wasn’t very artistic. I had to burn them. But you know this. Larry told you well over a week ago.

Rate this comment: +34

Apr 4, 2010
8:34 pm

#72 cheesebubble :

i WON’T have whatever brandyk is having. maybe 1972 was a bad year for acid.

Rate this comment: +15

Apr 4, 2010
8:38 pm

#73 fluffysue :

Ever notice people start conveniently seeing Jesus and/or Mary in things right around religious holidays? Just in time to sell on Etsy or ebay!

Rate this comment: +11

Apr 4, 2010
8:39 pm

#74 DeeBauchery :

I have a Cheeto in the shape of Jesus as though he was on the cross. He come out for Easter, Christmas and Passover.

Rate this comment: +5

Apr 4, 2010
8:40 pm

#75 PinkBunnies :

I wish I had enough free time to sit around and stare at wood and see images in it. Maybe I’ll take that up when I’m older, it’ll make a great hobby after retirement, no doubt, and by then it won’t matter how insane I sound!

Rate this comment: +2

Apr 4, 2010
9:16 pm

#76 pantsmonkey :

This thread is definitely looking up.

Rate this comment: +7

Apr 4, 2010
9:20 pm

#77 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

@65 brandyk1972 – Correction. It isn’t a knot breast it is a “not breast”.

Rate this comment: +2

Apr 4, 2010
9:22 pm

#78 curlytopnola :

@60, 61, 64, & 65 brandyk1972…
you don’t happen to have a collection of possessed dolls, do you?

Rate this comment: +25

Apr 4, 2010
9:24 pm

#79 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

@#74 DeeBauchery – When you said your Cheeto “came out” are you implying…….

Rate this comment: +3

Apr 4, 2010
9:32 pm

#80 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

@65 brandyk1972 – You are sitting on a gold mine.

If you have an agent might you consider a diifernet one?

Rate this comment: +6

Apr 4, 2010
9:38 pm

#81 Frankie :

How much wood would a wood spook spook if a wood spook could spook wood?

Rate this comment: +13

Apr 4, 2010
9:41 pm

#82 zepp0marks :

Dear brandyk1972,
I mean no disrespect to you, but if crazy = cornflakes, you would be General Mills.

Rate this comment: +25

Apr 4, 2010
9:47 pm

#83 mtopia :

Back when I used to go to church the giant wooden cross at the front of the chapel had a surprised-looking fish in the grain. Also at my parents’ house the bathroom cabinets have a Mary-esque repeated pattern. Wood grain always looks like it has pictures in it. So do ceiling spackle and clouds. Nothing special to see here folks.

Rate this comment: +8

Apr 4, 2010
9:47 pm

#84 kookiemomster48 :

The very best thing about this post is the title. LOL
Most of us just WISH!!!
As a woodcarver I can tell ya there is nothing special about this board.

Rate this comment: +4

Apr 4, 2010
9:49 pm

#85 mtopia :

I thought brandyk1972 was joking, but then it just kept going and going. The faces were doubtless the face of a 15yr old hussy from 1769. Doubtless.

Rate this comment: +18

Apr 4, 2010
9:57 pm

#86 razberries :

Brandy, do you have a flickr account or link to your photos?

Rate this comment: +11

Apr 4, 2010
10:00 pm

#87 TheOneThatControlsTheOtherVoices :

I happen to know for a FACT that Jesus was in fact a cheeto. That’s part of the whole miracle thing.

Rate this comment: +10

Apr 4, 2010
10:17 pm

#88 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

You are what you eat (in this case drink).

Rate this comment: +4

Apr 4, 2010
10:29 pm

#89 Skully :

At Easter brunch I realized that Jesus backwards is sausage. Just thought I’d share that with you. Good night.

Rate this comment: +20

Apr 4, 2010
10:33 pm

#90 Krunk McJunk :

Living without poontang like I do up in these here woods, now that’s a haunted hell. All I kin see in that morning wood is a nice plate of poontang. It’s all I ever see, Jesus God help me

Rate this comment: +5

Apr 5, 2010
3:19 am

#91 TheAngstyOne :

@83.. I used to get blitzed and stare at the speckled ceiling at my parents house and be amused for hours… Maybe I should try wood?

Rate this comment: +3

Apr 5, 2010
5:50 am

#92 jessicaduh :

brandyk, look up the word pareidolia sometime.

Rate this comment: +3

Apr 5, 2010
6:18 am

#93 joshpincusiscrying :

I can NEVER see these things. Maybe because I’m Jewish.

Rate this comment: +16

Apr 5, 2010
7:36 am

#94 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

#90 Krunk McJunk – You have a way with words.

Rate this comment: +4

Apr 5, 2010
8:18 am

#95 twatsupcock :

Maybe this somehow could go with those wood spirit thingamagig doohickey branch fairy whatnots.

God, some people will do anything for the almighty dollar!

Rate this comment: +2

Apr 5, 2010
9:25 am

#96 MarchHare :

“wood photos” sound like a collection I’d rather not stare at.

Rate this comment: +7

Apr 5, 2010
11:11 am

#97 HelenaHandbasket :

I really like the scent of cedar, but I’d imagined Mary to smell more like musk and freshly-cut lawn.

Rate this comment: +6

Apr 5, 2010
11:20 am

#98 DanosWife :

Hey, it’s Mary, Mother of God on a Cedar Plank. Poor thing, she is certainly sporting some huge nips and that is one sad cougar on perched on her head.

Rate this comment: +2

Apr 5, 2010
11:53 am

#99 TooManyCookbooks :

And just yesterday, I was joking about how the wood knot ‘face’ on my new raised garden bed must be Jesus! BRB; listing garden bed on Etsy.

Rate this comment: 0

Apr 5, 2010
12:03 pm

#100 Krunk McJunk :

come visit me in the cabin, cesar, i’d like to have my way with ye.

Rate this comment: 0

Apr 5, 2010
1:48 pm

#101 Skully :

Oh yeah, I totally remember that ’80’s album, Psycho-Brandy by The Jesus and Mary Grain!

Rate this comment: +3

Apr 5, 2010
2:44 pm

#102 robotulism :

I really don’t see Mary,k but from where her head is supposed to be, I do see the return of the holy mcdonalds chicken head! http://i221.photobucket.com/albums/dd156/2004jasone/funny-random-pictures-4-8-09-13.jpg
It has returned from the grave to avenge the evil deep fryer of hell! … In some cedar board.

Rate this comment: 0

Apr 5, 2010
2:45 pm

#103 robotulism :

Ignore the random k that sneaked into the above post. it’s always haunting me.

Rate this comment: +2

Apr 6, 2010
12:04 am

#104 redredred :

After showing this to my Dad, he claims to have seen the image of an alien with a turd on its head. If my old man was more computer literate, I think he’d make a good Regretsian.

Rate this comment: +4

Apr 6, 2010
5:00 am

#105 StellaSmooth :

I don’t see Jesus, but i’m pretty sure she’s got Lord Voldemort attached to her head. Man, he gets around.

Rate this comment: +2

Apr 6, 2010
11:14 am

#106 whimsy :

$100,000? and to think judas only got 30 lousy pieces of silver…

Rate this comment: +2