Profits from Regretsy merchandise are used to hire Etsy artists to create handmade products for various charities, or to directly benefit Etsy sellers in need.

All revenue generated by Regretsy.com is donated to charitable works. See our Charity page for complete information.

Money raised to date for all projects: $10,057.00

Click here to visit our Zazzle store

Amazon.com
Barnes & Noble
Borders
IndieBound
RandomHouse.com
and other retailers

Natural Selection

Posted by Helen Killer

90 comments

Maybe it’s not so bad that you aren’t reproducing.

Filed in Holistic Horseshit 90 comments

90 Comments

Add Comment

Mar 18, 2010
2:09 pm

#1 starrydreams :

Is it me or does it look like Mickey Mouse?

Rate this comment: +147

Mar 18, 2010
2:10 pm

#2 pplrdum :

If I use this, will subsequent spawn come out looking like Mickey Mouse?

Rate this comment: +81

Mar 18, 2010
2:10 pm

#3 smurfy12b :

Great, I think I got knocked up just by looking at this.

Rate this comment: +71

Mar 18, 2010
2:11 pm

#4 Stretch65 :

“Its a small womb after all…”

yes it looks like Mickey Mouse but its just plain GOOFEY

Rate this comment: +164

Mar 18, 2010
2:11 pm

#5 starrydreams :

“They are fairly strong, but please remember that tatting is lace, not chainmail. This comes from a home with a woodstove, but no tobacco smoke. My peaceful tatting moments are shared with our Yorkie sitting to my right thigh, and our parrot perched upon my knee.”

Hold on… I am getting a visual here. Can someone photoshop this???

Rate this comment: +97

Mar 18, 2010
2:12 pm

#6 starrydreams :

#4- Stretch65- Ha Ha!!! Good one!!!

Rate this comment: +3

Mar 18, 2010
2:12 pm

#7 sourkiwi :

You can lay it on or after the hanki-panki. WTF? You lay that shit on you. There’s gonna be *no* hanki-panki.

Or hankey-pankey. Only a fucking hankie… or a tissue.

Rate this comment: +48

Mar 18, 2010
2:13 pm

#8 smurfy12b :

Oh nothing will get my hubby to cream faster than me wearing this over my uterus. What the hell did people do before this???

Rate this comment: +44

Mar 18, 2010
2:13 pm

#9 Dynomoose :

who’s the leader of the club that’s made for you and me?
D-O-I-L-E-Y crystal fuck-er-eeeeee.
Doiley snatch. Doiley snatch.

The price of our bullshit is HIGH HIGH HIGH HIGH!

Am I the only one who thinks that this so-called girlbits doiley looks like Mickey Mouse?

Rate this comment: +104

Mar 18, 2010
2:14 pm

#10 pplrdum :

@#8 smurfy: gross! lol!

Rate this comment: 0

Mar 18, 2010
2:15 pm

#11 IscreamUscream :

Someone’s going to conceive a copyright infringement.

Rate this comment: +72

Mar 18, 2010
2:17 pm

#12 curlytopnola :

what kinda disney-quasi-voodoo is this shit?
this oughta be under the centerpiece on aunt virginia’s dining room table so she doesn’t get any rings in her varnish.

by the way is hanki-panki japanese or something?

Rate this comment: +36

Mar 18, 2010
2:20 pm

#13 cappysue :

Nothing helps people reproduce like a mental image of disney characters.

Rate this comment: +25

Mar 18, 2010
2:21 pm

#14 Cineaste :

Once you get to the baby making stage, why do you still have to call it “hanki-panki”? Seems like at that point you’re way past Jr.High euphemisms for sex.

Rate this comment: +45

Mar 18, 2010
2:22 pm

#15 fifi-leCroc :

Yup, holistic horseshit!

Rate this comment: +5

Mar 18, 2010
2:23 pm

#16 HomemadeSin :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -14

Mar 18, 2010
2:25 pm

#17 HelenaHandbasket :

Um, are there actually any crystals?

Rate this comment: +28

Mar 18, 2010
2:25 pm

#18 Patty has abducted an Australian :

You know, we had a mouse problem in our house over the winter. The Orkin guy told me that mice breed like crazy and the term shouldn’t be “breed like rabbits” but “breed like mice”.

So, there you go.

Rate this comment: +54

Mar 18, 2010
2:26 pm

#19 buhbyebirdie :

Setting aside the Mickey Mouse thing, that looks absolutely NOTHING like a uterus.

Rate this comment: +31

Mar 18, 2010
2:26 pm

#20 sticksandtunes :

#14: Agreed. I actually think it’s somewhat offensive for adults to use stupid euphemisms for sex…just call it what it fucking is and spare us the “hanki-panki”! (And this is ignoring that it should be spelled “hanky-panky”.)

And this was clearly not the right project for variegated thread…talk about hideous pooling!

Rate this comment: +29

Mar 18, 2010
2:32 pm

#21 yardchicken :

Granted, tatting is a time consuming kind of handmade lace. Those little knots take forever to add up to anything.
So if you’re going to do all that work, why not make something pretty/useful?
A nice edging to sew on a christening cap perhaps, or a wedding hankie – not a mickie to watch over your “hankie-pankie”

Rate this comment: +32

Mar 18, 2010
2:35 pm

#22 bumKittens :

I love that she had to specify that the crystals are “non invasive”. Getting a mental picture of what an invasive crystal would look like.
Maybe this:
http://newsimg.ngfiles.com/129000/129583_Golf_Trophy.jpg

Rate this comment: +50

Mar 18, 2010
2:35 pm

#23 whimsicalisthenics :

It’s too bad she got all crystally and uterusey, because the tatting is very nicely done. I love this:

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=20102306

That said, I think this is totally the wrong approach. If your uterus isn’t doing its job, you don’t tuck it in at night with a magic crystal blanket! Everyone knows you speak to it severely and tell it that if it won’t do its job, you will look elsewhere for a body part that will.

Rate this comment: +69

Mar 18, 2010
2:35 pm

#24 creepydolls :

Great, Now I can tell people my Minnie Mouse Tattoo is really a Baby love fertility tattoo!

I should charge a buck for people to rub it.

Rate this comment: +29

Mar 18, 2010
2:36 pm

#25 Efit :

I can only imagine any couple trying to conceive would want to strangle this seller with her own Mickey Mouse doily.

Rate this comment: +9

Mar 18, 2010
2:37 pm

#26 Efit :

btw – The “hanki-panki” tends to disappear after conception and birth. Just sayin’. Careful what you ask the crystals for.

Rate this comment: +18

Mar 18, 2010
2:39 pm

#27 triceratops :

What, no Fallopian tubes?? No wonder that can’t get pregnant!

Rate this comment: +54

Mar 18, 2010
2:43 pm

#28 geektastic :

I’m no expert, but I have read a bit about this crystal fuckery shit, and there appears to be no crystal here. Semi-precious beads, yes, but no actual crystals, and I thought that the voodoo was supposed to be from the natural crystal formation?
And not only should she not have used variegated thread, but red and green? What a waste of hard work.

Rate this comment: +25

Mar 18, 2010
2:45 pm

#29 waningestrogen :

#21 yardhicken

Agreed, the tatting is nice, it takes forever to make something, and I’m too blind to be able to do that now. It’s an arduous old school skill that’s dying out.

But please leave out the healing crystals and spiritual thoughts.

And crikey! Give me something in one color instead of that ugly abomination of hombre thread.

Rate this comment: +13

Mar 18, 2010
2:45 pm

#30 geektastic :

Oh, I see, I missed this part: “Baby Love is made of a beautiful vintage red, green and white thread, suitably used for their healing properties.” Huh? I have several boxes of vintage-to-antique embroidery thread, should be rubbing that on cuts and abrasions?

Rate this comment: +17

Mar 18, 2010
2:51 pm

#31 hamoza :

If you read her bio, she puts her ‘friend’- a rose quartz, out in the sun in the morning.
Wanky-hanky-panky.

Capable tatting,not a good color choice for getting sexed up.

Rate this comment: +15

Mar 18, 2010
2:58 pm

#32 tepmurt :

Introducing the new male herbal fertility gauntlet! Make sure to remove before the euphemism!!

http://api.ning.com/files/IFQ5zoE4sLWCQGV7PKDYZTkGUrpmZyD1OBbHgK7JrBQ_/goofy.jpg.w300h418.jpg

Rate this comment: +18

Mar 18, 2010
3:05 pm

#33 mazumi :

“The only evidence we found was this doily, Sarge. We think the suspect knitted –

“That’s tatting, Barsky.”

“…tatted…the doily for the victim. She must have used it to try to clean up the blood after she snapped and bludgeoned him to death.

“There’s something really goofy about this murder Barsky.”

Rate this comment: +19

Mar 18, 2010
3:14 pm

#34 blondeweezie :

Is this the hippie version of “Vagazzling”??

Rate this comment: +31

Mar 18, 2010
3:15 pm

#35 thembone :

Of all the newagey hoohah beliefs, this sort of thing and numerology make the least sense to me. Sigh.

Rate this comment: 0

Mar 18, 2010
3:23 pm

#36 Mistletoe :

So… the more you “use” this during “hanki-panki”… the better it works (i.e. increases your chances to conceive).

OK, call me unenlightened, call me what you will. But… wouldn’t it be because you’re having “hanki-panki” more often?

Sorry, sorry, I know, letting a dumb thing like science get in the way of perfectly good holistic horseshit.

Rate this comment: +40

Mar 18, 2010
3:25 pm

#37 Cineaste :

Mistletoe, I totally agree.

Rate this comment: +1

Mar 18, 2010
3:30 pm

#38 Monstrosa :

Wait, uterus doily? What?

Rate this comment: +1

Mar 18, 2010
3:35 pm

#39 Wilma Fingerdoo :

Does it come in a thong?
Is it absorbent?

Rate this comment: +18

Mar 18, 2010
3:41 pm

#40 twatsupcock :

I’m a tatter and I must say this is great work. Bad color, but very intricate and certainly time consuming. It’s a pity that she is marketing it as a fricking fertility tool. Stand on your head after hanky panky! That’ll knock you up!

Rate this comment: +27

Mar 18, 2010
3:44 pm

#41 designerchick :

yep totally looks like Mouseketeer fuckery
http://www.flickr.com/photos/51423921@N00/4443583081/

Rate this comment: +11

Mar 18, 2010
4:02 pm

#42 Ladybug :

If crystals are so healing then why not just get vajazzled? More conducive to–erm–hanky-ing and panky-ing IMHO.

Rate this comment: +9

Mar 18, 2010
4:13 pm

#43 geektastic :

Well, since no one liked my porcelain bowel as seen in a bordello, I thought I better redeem myself with another View It in a Room:
http://i761.photobucket.com/albums/xx256/geektastic_whimsy/Regretsy%20NSFW/tatting.png

Rate this comment: +61

Mar 18, 2010
4:15 pm

#44 Chrisnyc1213 :

Stay away people. My cat slept on this and now I have a litter of kittens.

Rate this comment: +31

Mar 18, 2010
4:19 pm

#45 5feline5 :

From the listing: “PLEASE NOTE: SUPERVISION IS REQUIRED WITH SMALL CHILDREN, AS IT CONTAINS SMALL PARTS WHICH COULD BE INGESTED, INHALED, OR PUT INTO OTHER PARTS OF THE BODY(NOSE, EARS). PLEASE USE EXTREME CAUTION WHEN LITTLE CHILDREN ARE PRESENT!”

Is that before, during, or after the “hanki panki?”

Rate this comment: +28

Mar 18, 2010
4:38 pm

#46 thejazzcat :

Yeah, it’s Mickey Mouse with sunburn.

Rate this comment: -1

Mar 18, 2010
4:46 pm

#47 spandy :

Good one, #43 geektastic! Especially the crystal in the chair.

Rate this comment: +4

Mar 18, 2010
4:49 pm

#48 mtopia :

Dear Seller,

That looks like a lot of work and I respect that. Etsy is for crafts, nice ones. So tatting is a great contribution.
However, the fact remains that you are a stranger on the internet. It is hard enough to talk to anyone about fertility (family members, doctors etc…). Why should I trust you with providing me with offspring? If you want to do a distance cleansing of my house, knock yourself out, but stay out of my bedroom, okay?
Word,

Rate this comment: +14

Mar 18, 2010
5:26 pm

#49 BBJayde :

Looks like a Mickey Mouse doiley that went horribly wrong… so she had to somehow reclaim her loss.

Rate this comment: +1

Mar 18, 2010
5:32 pm

#50 mapleleaves :

The tatting really IS nice… but I’m confused by this:

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=21611171

It’s NINE FEET IN DIAMETER?!?

Rate this comment: +4

Mar 18, 2010
5:42 pm

#51 IscreamUscream :

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4010/4444567784_2ab73ede26_o.jpg

Rate this comment: +30

Mar 18, 2010
5:48 pm

#52 razberries :

late to the game…I agree with everyone- first thing I saw was Mickey Mouse…LOL
ISUS…nice ’shop

Rate this comment: +4

Mar 18, 2010
5:55 pm

#53 geektastic :

Thanks a lot, ISUS, now I have an image in my brain of Mickey and Minnie going at it in the twirling teacups.

Rate this comment: +16

Mar 18, 2010
6:24 pm

#54 joshpincusiscrying :

My grandmother had one of these draped over the back of her sofa. I hope to hell he did’t lay it over her uterus. Oh Christ, I’m talking about my grandmother’s uterus. I’m gonna puke.

Rate this comment: +17

Mar 18, 2010
6:29 pm

#55 Lisatwo :

Great, now I have to go burn all Mee-Maw’s afghans, the last thing I need is another freaking baby.

Rate this comment: +11

Mar 18, 2010
6:34 pm

#56 crazyjerseygirl :

Maybe it’s not that the fertility doily looks like mickey mouse, but that mickey mouse looks like a uterus.
That said, I want to use the term “fertility doily” as much as possible now.

Rate this comment: +13

Mar 18, 2010
6:37 pm

#57 NedTheDeadInRed :

Everytime we get something in here, I try to think of something funny to say…but you guys always come up with everything before I do.

Oh, well…thanks for the hysterical laughter, anyway. I was needing that badly.

Rate this comment: +11

Mar 18, 2010
7:14 pm

#58 PinkBunnies :

Me, to my husband, in a sexy voice: “Hey, how’d you like me to wear one of these when we’re getting in the mood?”

My husband, staring at the screen in disgust: “Thank god you’re already pregnant!”

Rate this comment: +16

Mar 18, 2010
7:15 pm

#59 monkeygirl32 :

Too bad I spent all that money on fertility treatments that didn’t work when I just could’ve bought this thing. If I had only known…….

Rate this comment: +12

Mar 18, 2010
7:17 pm

#60 mtopia :

I want to learn to tat now, so that I can make some contraceptive doilies. Don’t waste your time telling me that it is scientifically impossible. If this lady deals in fertility, I want to deal in birth prevention!

Rate this comment: +17

Mar 18, 2010
7:37 pm

#61 SuperSnark :

Wow! I am lucky to have conceived twice, as my hubby and just having plain old sex to get pregnant not hanki panki!

Yes, very nice work but I think she needs to get out once in a while starting to get a little street rat crazy tattin’ at home with the parrot!

Rate this comment: +2

Mar 18, 2010
7:49 pm

#62 waningestrogen :

This is simply inconceivable.

Rate this comment: +22

Mar 18, 2010
7:51 pm

#63 mergatroid :

Nothing like fantasizing about Mickey Mouse giving you cunnilingus to encourage conception.

On another note: As a woman who has experienced pregnancy loss, I want to slap this bitch for preying on vulnerable ladies who will believe that there is something wrong with them that a stupid doily can fix.

Some women blame God for pregnancy loss, some blame themselves, but now they can blame not having spent 48 dollars on an ugly doily…

Rate this comment: +45

Mar 18, 2010
7:56 pm

#64 mergatroid :

motherfucking fallopian ears…

Rate this comment: +18

Mar 18, 2010
8:05 pm

#65 SuperSnark :

#63 Mergatroid Thank you for saying that, I felt that way too but as I have not had a loss of a pregnancy felt it was not my place to say so, I first thought of my friends who tried unsuccessfully for three years before choosing to stop trying and adopt, to minimalize a serious probelm into being so easy to resolve is insulting.

Rate this comment: +15

Mar 18, 2010
8:10 pm

#66 mergatroid :

#64 SuperSnark : “to minimalize a serious probelm into being so easy to resolve is insulting.”

Yes! Not to mention the fact that it’s nasty wrong to charge someone 48 dollars for a bogus handcrafted “remedy.” I’m sure people who have been through thousands of dollars worth of IVF would be disappointed to find the answer was, all along, a disney inspired doily…

Rate this comment: +16

Mar 18, 2010
8:44 pm

#67 Vile & Evil Debbie Downer :

Before she renamed it a ‘fertility doily’, this piece was titled ‘Serial Mickey’.

Rate this comment: +9

Mar 18, 2010
8:51 pm

#68 lilprincess :

M.I.C…K.E.Y….M.O.U.S.E…!

Rate this comment: -2

Mar 18, 2010
9:18 pm

#69 Eruanna :

Is that a blood stained Mickey Mouse?

Rate this comment: +3

Mar 18, 2010
10:52 pm

#70 geektastic :

Ha! A reusable Mickey Tatted panty liner!

Rate this comment: +1

Mar 19, 2010
2:50 am

#71 StinkBait :

Disney is the prime example of whats wrong with the world. And here is something that you are going to let touch your skin?

Burn it and do the rosery 50 times.

Rate this comment: +4

Mar 19, 2010
3:19 am

#72 starrydreams :

#43 Geektastic- good one!!!!

Rate this comment: -1

Mar 19, 2010
3:51 am

#73 clitty's got claws :

I had no idea that Mickey Mouse was a fertility symbol. I guess you really do learn something new everyday.

Rate this comment: +3

Mar 19, 2010
6:46 am

#74 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

It starts by saying “Sometimes we need a little nudge in the right direction to get what we want.”

A nudge for conception?

I smell a rat.

Rate this comment: +4

Mar 19, 2010
6:52 am

#75 Dix :

Three-way with Mickey?

I’ll pass.

Rate this comment: +1

Mar 19, 2010
7:10 am

#76 eternalgreenknight :

H-A-N-K-E-Y P-A-N-K-Y
Hanky Panky, Hanky Panky
Forever let us hold our doily high
Now it’s time to say whimsicle
and laugh at your fuckery
H-A-N- Not gonna buy it!
K-E-Y Why? Because you’re a moron!
P-A-N-K-Y

Rate this comment: +7

Mar 19, 2010
7:16 am

#77 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

Finally a mature approach to dealing with “hanky panky” problems.

Just put it on your “no no” parts and the stork will fly right over.

Rate this comment: +13

Mar 19, 2010
7:29 am

#78 rodgertheshrubber :

Useful for many years to come…..use it to conceive and then use it under a crystal candy bowl on your end table.

Rate this comment: +9

Mar 19, 2010
8:10 am

#79 eternalgreenknight :

PS- Anyone else now have the Diana Ross song stuck in their head???

Rate this comment: -2

Mar 19, 2010
9:09 am

#80 mickey :

Good glory, her tatting work is beautiful. Her descriptions are crap.

…leave…Mickey…alone!!!!

Rate this comment: 0

Mar 19, 2010
9:15 am

#81 priceless :

HK love your title! No doubt Darwin would agree!

Rate this comment: 0

Mar 19, 2010
10:33 am

#82 hamoza :

I thought I thought I saw a pussy tat….

Rate this comment: +16

Mar 19, 2010
9:21 pm

#83 MajorDanger :

This is for fertility? I would’ve mistaken it for an IUD.

Rate this comment: -2

Mar 20, 2010
7:52 am

#84 MyEyesMyEyes :

After four years of trying to get pregnant, numerous tests, numerous drugs and injections, I find out all I needed was a doily? Wonder if she makes a penis shaped one for male infertility.

Rate this comment: +2

Mar 20, 2010
6:49 pm

#85 HermesGoddess :

LMMFAO!!! What #84 said. If I’da known about THIS shit, I could have saved, what, a hundred grand?! Oh, wait, make that $99.952.00.

Rate this comment: +3

Mar 21, 2010
3:45 pm

#86 snarkeygirl :

“78 rodgertheshrubber :
Useful for many years to come…..use it to conceive and then use it under a crystal candy bowl on your end table.”

Actually, one large and two smaller crystal candy bowls would do the trick. . .

Rate this comment: +1

Mar 22, 2010
7:43 am

#87 susanave :

I think she needs to learn the difference between crystals and gemstones

Rate this comment: +1

Mar 23, 2010
2:54 am

#88 PussDaddy :

Jesus H. Christ, if you lay this thing anywhere near your ovaries or uterus or vagina you will never get laid.

Rate this comment: +2

Mar 23, 2010
2:55 am

#89 PussDaddy :

She should probably remarket it as a birth control doily.

Rate this comment: +2

Apr 10, 2010
6:47 pm

#90 www.bajunajewelry.etsy.com :

I don’t know if I want to be thinking “It’s a small world” while I’m doing it!
Oh no!
It’s a small world after all! It’s a small world after all! It’s a small world after all! It’s a small small world! It’s a small world after all!

Rate this comment: +1