WTF? I didn’t get any God damn gifts. They threw a maxi-pad at me and told me stay off the furniture.
You can get a lot of tampons for 30 dollars…
Just please…don’t get her anything vampire related.
A family friend of ours did this for her daughters. Luckily, they were all younger than I am so my mother didn’t get any ideas. I told her that if she had done that to for me, I would have killed her. And I wasn’t kidding.
IT AIN’T A SPECIAL GIFT UNLESS YOU THINK OF IT YOURSELF.
If your family celebrates the flowering of womanhood (puke barf brraaakkkkk) then they should already have established enough ritual that a special gift would suggest itself to you, instead of you making people queasy imagining what-all it is you do.
Bake her a red velvet cake and give her one of those baby dolls you have to take care of or it “dies” so she’ll remember that now she can get pregnant, so WATCH IT.
the felted vagoo would be “special & appropriate” for this occasion.
oh! Froufrou, you just gave me a great idea!
How about some of those cloth, washable pads with a Twilight/ Team Edward theme! Perfect for any tween/ early teen girl!
Of course, she may not want to bleed on Edward’s face, so maybe it should be Bella…
I hate to tell you, but the Red Party is kind of a thing now. My 11-year-old self would have died of embarrassment.
How about a 40-year countdown clock, set til about the time she reaches menopause and doesn’t have to deal with the cramps, bloating, moodiness, stained clothing and seating surfaces, and constant worry/hope of pregnancy each month?
I bet we could point her to some “subject appropriate” jewelry.
Much awaited? Yeah, I remember watching the videos and reading the literature when the boys and girls were separated, learning about what was going to happen for a few days out of every month, and I said to myself, “I can’t wait to bleed out of my crotch and reach my flowering of womanhood!”
Give her some Midol, a heating pad and leave her the fuck alone.
Get her an iPad!
My mother just crept up to the bathroom door and said in a voice of doom, “Do you have enough…..SUPPLIES?”
Now I feel cheated. I could have gotten gifts instead of a damn complex??
Oh….WTf…just…GAWD…wonder what all the bids offered. I have a few things in mind
what about this?
it would capture the whole “flowering” thing nicely. and since it’s supposed to be designed based on the physical attributes of your cooter, i’m thinking it would definitely be “subject appropriate and special”. have fun explaining that to your friends on the playground!
Is this chick a newb or just plain blind? Etsy is basically code for “Artisans who have obsessions with their genitalia and monthly curses: bring your poorly made (or at least in poor taste) items hither!” She shouldn’t need to alchemy request ANYthing that has to do with this poor haples girl’s vagoo or its new “flowery”..ha.. change to womanhood. Let me fill her inbox with shitty READYMADE suggestions, oh pretty please. Aye yae yae…
HelenaHandbasket- If you have reached the point of ‘power-surges’ I’m sure you would change your mind about menopause.
Give the bitch a box of tampons, a bottle of tylenol, and case of tequila and tell her to shut the fuck up cuz the fun don’t start til you’re 50.
Hell – why don’t we celebrate the end of all the fuckery?!!
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give her a bottle of midol some acne cream and tell her to stop being a bitch.
“much awaited” ?? Obviously didn’t get exposed to the videos they showed at school – one which involved a baby shooting out of a vagina into a bathtub. The teacher then proceeded to rewind the tape before stopping it, so the baby hops back in, along with the placenta and an entire bathtub of blood.
A pai of bedazzled, knitted tampon cozy earrings, of course.
Pair. A pair of earrings.
That or a live reenactment of the shower scene from ‘Carrie’.
“Plug it up, Carrie! PLUG IT UP!”
My mum just shook my hand awkwardly, and we never spoke of it again.
Edward hearts bleeders.
@#23 In my experience, boys who sparkle don’t heart you back.
A lovely basket of hand-felted, organic upcycled reusable tampons would be just the thing! With a card printed on high-quality inkjet paper of limited-edition expressions signed by the author.
They are celebrating??
what with Bloddy Mary’s???
I remember my mother was elated when mine “arrived” at a very late 14.
I remember going on a beach holiday and getting my period, and i tried using tampons but was to scared to put it in LOL! and then i died of embarassment when my mother told my father i had my period. I was so embarrassed. I had to sit o the beach fully clothed in the boiling hot Australian sun.
I wasn’t “celebrating”.
Ah, here we go, this is the perfect shop,
Looks like regretsy bait to me.
Thank you, Geektastic. I rest my case. And don’t even get me started on the Pokemon REUSABLE pads… anyone on here long enough to remember those monstrosities?!?!
Oh, the things you find on Etsy when you search on “tampon” http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=42090779
@#27 I am horrified. Red glitter on a tampon. Really? Aaaaaaaaaah! Definite Regretsy bait.
#29 Crissy Cramps?
#28 Pokemon pads: even the memory makes me shudder.
Why not celebrate flowering with flowers?
ahhh, here we are! Nothing says, “the future is bleak little one” quite like this:
Cramps, angst, and godawful mess, oh boy! Let’s celebrate!!
ohhh, ballsacks! Let me try that again:
@#34 priceless: I like the sharks.
@#35 That mental image is disturbing…nicely done. Like seriously the last thing the world needs is more shit “celebrating” this curse upon women. I know I for one am celebrating one of the few upsides of pregnancy… GOODBYE PERIOD!
Yes, nothing will make her celebrate her flowering quite as much as reusable cotton pads. (And I totally totally totally don’t understand the urge to make them out of brightly colored prints. What about a nice plain magenta? Anything that will not make you even more insanely embarrassed when they fall out of your bag in class. (I am a hippie about many things, but pads are not one of them. I want to THROW THEM AWAY. I do not want to wrap them up and carry them around with me all day.)
Whatshould I get my sister as a “welcome to womanhood” gift?
Either a vagina pendant, or a uterus plushie from the vulvalovelovely etsy shop.
#38: okay, I actually like the idea of a uterus plushie as a period present. That, and a titanium spork to stab it with as necessary.
Putting all the obvious comments I could make aside, they want it in one day? Screw that.
Wait, women actually wrap up and carry used pads around? Ewwwww. Much as I hate the thought of the industrial waste in making them, I’ll stick with my disposables. Besides, what else will I make wind chimes and angels out of?
I think she needs a few chocolate bars, a bag of pretzels, a pint of ice cream, some Midol or Extra-strengh Tylenol, a few boxes of pads in various sizes, and reassurance… oh and space, ’cause she’ll be all hormonal and pissed off. Man, celebrate?! I was so very angry when I got my period at 11. I didn’t want to be bothered!
The only thing she really needs is free and readily available.
Help your little sister develop a good attitude towards menstruation:
Ugh, I hate when people refer to getting one’s period as “reaching womanhood” – as if your maturity as a person was completely dependent on some random biological function you have no control over. I was certainly not a “woman” at the age of 12, and neither was my friend when she got hers at age 9. As millions of stupid adolescents have demonstrated, sexual maturity =/= emotional or intellectual maturity.
After I specifically told my mom not to tell my dad…
2 hours later…
Dad: “So, I hear you’re a woman today!”
Words that make you want to jump out of a moving truck.
Give me jewelry over that any day! lol
…red parties are in? They’re called Red Parties? Fuck, start advertising that and Dept. of Homeland Security will be all up in your womanly business thinking you’re a commie. commie, comma, period, it’s all related to them. meh.
#’s 24 and 39 are pure genius. Pretty sure I never would’ve come up with the spork idea.
There is nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said. Ugh. Celebrate? Even in my drugged out and full of pain (and infection) time after my hysterectomy, that’s when I wanted to celebrate.
And I have never understood the re-useable pads. I can’t think of anything worse than having to wash out a used pad. No thanks, I’ll just add to the huge pile of nonbiodegradeable junk covering the planet.
My daughter would have killed me if I did that. The most we did was did was discuss supplies beforehand. let her know she could use a tampon from day 1.
Why celebrate anyway, cheers for the next 30-40 years, you’ll have 1 week a month that really blows.
May I suggest:
A reusable cloth pad with Kool and the Gang on it?
Then every time she gets her visit from Aunt Flo, she’ll remember she’s supposed to “Celebrate” it. That will turn her to drugs pretty quick.
Extraordinarily late to the party (curse you, real life!), but I’m surprised nobody thought of this:
Sure, it’s a bit more than she wants to spend, but totally worth it.
And, it’s certainly something her daughter will never forget.
Oh I remembered it bootsy. I can’t forget. I just didn’t want to inflict this on any more victims! lol
“Wait, women actually wrap up and carry used pads around?”
Well, consider this, as I actually use cloth pads. I don’t just wrap them in toilet paper and stick them in my purse! No, I have a neat little zip-up pouch, lined with good strong vinyl (like the kind they make training pants out of).
I have NEVER had someone say, “Ew, what smells?”
I worked with a Nurse who got her Daughter a DILDO. Not fucking kidding. Now that I have a Daughter I really can’t imagine doing that.
#36 priceless : Congrats on your pregnancy
#27 geektastic – ZOMG! I wouldn’t have believed this if I hadn’t seen it.
This has just GOT to be regretsy bait.
#36 Congrats! Hate to burst your bubble, but look up lochia. So unfair. It’s like running into a friend you haven’t talked to in forever who has taken up a nice meth habit, and she can’t wait to catch up with you.
Buy a package of the biggest, most overnightiest pads you can find! Or, you know,
*Snarky Marcy is not responsible for hentaiesque nightmares.
Oh, and take up cybersex to practice one handed…
Wow…a zine with a graphic “THE MENSTRUATION ISSUE” cover. I’m a nurse, but that was a bit much.
My favorite line: “issue #1 explores the placenta–as food, medicine, and outlaw.”
I’m gonna alchemy a knitted placenta with a little Billy the Kid kerchief!
He says “if you are suggesting jewelry it should be VERY subject appropriate and special.
I got it!
To be honest actually…one of those heatable bean bags would make an EXCELLENT gift. You WANT that shit when the cramps hit.
here you go
Oh Cesar…. I just barfed in my mouth a little But yeah, can’t much more appropo than that!
Snarky, thanks for the tips. As this is my second baby I am well-versed on that whole horror story. So nice that no women tell you that the first time ’round isn’t it? I may not be a classy girl but I came prepared for the worst: Depends it was, and man was I glad I had them! Mother Nature makes nice and sure she pays you back 10 fold for the 9month break She gave you… mean-spirited bitch
Oh and quid pro quo those post partum menstrual yuckies would hold up for exactly 2.5 seconds to the onslaught of Afterbirth… and I for one would not be slaving over the laundry sink for the 8 hours it would take to get them looking like something that didn’t come out of a butcher shop again. I am pretty sure I would have something slightly more “ecologically important” to do, like say – oh I don’t know – breastfeed my baby?
#56 Snark-o-leptic Cesar: OMG! What key words did you put into google to find that?!??
i’m confused, are they asking ppl to just suggest gifts? because I think i might bid if that’s all.
I’m going to have a boil lanced on Monday. My place for Cheese and Crackers?
Slightly confused too. Reading from the UK & I assumed that her “much awaited flowering” was losing her virginity. Maybe thats why europeans have a rep for being easy?
wow, she only gives the seller one day to come up with an idea, create it and same-day ship it? Could she have thought this through a little better? This is going to be one shitty gift.
Give a Chia Pet…it’s the perfect gift!
everyone, she posted the request 2/17…and it expires 3/10, but she’d like it by 3/6….LOL
anyhoo, i say just get her a bag of chocolate covered pretzels…the salt and the sweet are great for the cravings. and then make sure to rent the movie, “Carrie” from Netflix, and be sure to watch the very beginning of the movie, where Carrie gets her period, and all the gals throw tampons at her and yell, “Plug it up! Plug it up!”
yeah, that’s what i’d do…
Skully- the party is actually on Sunday. My god, you’re a genius!
#55 Snarky Marcy–would a crotched one do? I find it easier to shape as I go in crotch. Gimme a few days.
#61 – Sudabaki Google? No.
I got those for my wife to celebrate her period after a massive episode of PMS.
After that event,she got mad and I was left looking like this:
I deserved it though….I shouldn’t make jokes.
Yes, you got what you deserved all right, Cesar! My daughter and I agree that “celebrating your womanhood” is a crock of shit. And the “Have a happy period!” ads? Make us both want to throw heavy things at the TV. It wasn’t called “the curse” for many years without good cause!
Perhaps I’m confused, but don’t unicorns have, you know, horns? http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=31809928
Sorry, as weird as the alchemy request is, I can’t get past the fact that there is a named celebration for the onset of menses. Who thinks up shit like this? I suggest a trip to planned parenthood so that the ‘de-flowering’ celebration doesn’t require drugstore pregnancy kits.
It has all been said, colorfully and whimsically by the regretsy menstrasquad,but may I add this -I hear from my older friends that they actually miss their little ‘friend’ when she is gone……
#71, and if you’re old enough to be having your period then you shoudn’t be using the word “ouchie”
#72 hamoza: Do they miss their “friend” or do they miss the other benefits of normal hormonal levels? No real friend would leave you bloody, bloated and pissed off.
#74suda, as opposed to just menopausally pissed off?
Either way, we’re all screwed!
#72 hamoza “the regretsy menstrasquad”
The only thing I miss about my “little friend” is the lack of hot flashes. Believe me, there isn’t much else to recommend it! Although menopause itself is no picnic — hot flashes, night sweats, too hot or too cold all the fucking time, insomnia and other charming sleep disorders — you name it, there’s a whole list of new aggravations you get. But I still wouldn’t trade menopause for all the periods in China!
#66 halfpint :
Loosing your Virginity is called deflowering.
#75 hamoza : The longest I went was for 367 days. I year and 2 fucking days. It stopped for a week and was back to visit for another few months. I DON’T miss mine.
#35 Methusela – OK. Until a minute ago I thought the “reusable tampon” idea was a joke. But it is not.
Sorry but this “politically correct” eco-friendly stuff is spinning my head!
#83- eeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeee. I would not ever, never, ever, ever, never, ever even touch a box of somebody’s unused tampons or pads. Who knows what was on their hand when they grabbed the box. I am not one to ask if they get it out of the box before or after. I just leave that shit alone.
Accidental Fuckery. I’ve been underground getting my own damn Etsy shop set up at long last. About half an hour ago I held up my latest creation and, lo and behold… I had accidentally created a classic Regretsy-worthy turd. I laughed and laughed, but I’m not going to redo it. Just because I think it’s hilarious, I’m going to list it anyway. And no, I’m not going to tell you where it is. Point is, even the turd-aware can create the occasional turd. Such is life.
My Mother had five kids. Two older by 10 years and more and then there is three girls one after another. My older syuck back in her young days would buy those big fucking stayfree pads in a box that was so fucking huge I asked her once if the guy’s with the orange guiders in their hands were still outside after they led that box to the home. She still bought them fucking things until we were not afraid to go get our own.
#85 pantsmonkey : I was afraid you took a bad hit and where locked up somewhere. Thank God you were only making items that look like shit.
This is the sort of thing that could happen while transporting a “reusable tampon”.
this makes me thank god i only have boys
Okay well, this is a last-minute gift, but it’s from the heart, my bleeding lil’ sister:
Finally! The perfect occasion for a vag necklace!
Wow, I just got a great idea:
I’ll throw a party when each of my three sons has his first seminal emission!
(imagine theme from “My Three Sons” playing in the background)
What a way to celebrate manhood!
So that’s what it like for you females?
For us guys are dad hands us a condom and says. “If you knock a girl up I’m not paying the child support so you better fucking wear this!”
I wouldn’t call it a party.
@#74 Tanaise yes, clearly the seller has some problems with taxidermy and reality as those creatures are clearly zebras which actually do exist outside of WhimsicleFuckery Fantasy Land.
#85 pantsmonkey, oh, pleeeeeese? We promise we won’t be too cruel.
Subject appropriate and special? I’m thinking one of those vulva pendants with blood gushing out of it.
If it were my daughter, or whoever, I would show them the following links, accompanied by stories my mother would tell me about how horrible these things were to use and wear back in the day before pads with adhesive strips.
My head is definitely in the gutter…
Flowering of a woman = pop of the cherry.
I was going to offer $30 worth of condoms or contraception pills.
How stupid do I feel.
Better give her those as well!
How about a lifetime supply of toilet paper? She is going to need it to wrap up those used pads so that no one else sees them in the trash and for those times when her “womanhood” shows up unexpectedly and she has no supplies on hand. Or, a trashcan that fits up on the top of the toilet to keep all the pets out of the trash during her special “womanhood” times.
@ #98 clitty: I wore belts like that for five years till I switched to tampons at 16. Those little metal grips were sheer hell if they got wedged anyplace sensitive – which they did thanks to compressive girdles with garter tabs required to hold up stockings, pantyhose not yet available. Made adolescence even more torturous than it naturally is.
Hey, I’m guilty of getting my daughters a “kit” when they got theirs…..they actually appreciated it.
Something like this….
She should just of bought her a CD.
Perhaps John Cougar Menstrualcramps?
Actually the “kit” is a nice idea. Mum and I had the “talk” at age 8. And I had forgotten everything she told me by the ripe old age of 13, when I actually needed the info.
This actually doesn’t seem so weird to me. My mom wanted to give me a gift to celebrate my “becoming a woman” too. I chose a glass hedgehog, which I still have. Oh well, maybe I’m weird too.
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