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WTF Alchemy Request

Posted by Helen Killer

78 comments

Filed in WTF Alchemy Request 78 comments

78 Comments

Add Comment

Mar 4, 2010
9:21 pm

#1 emargee :

i don’t even know where to start with this….
the whole thing had me shaking my head…..
cold sore lip balms? wtf indeed….

Rate this comment: +15

Mar 4, 2010
9:22 pm

#2 steviesegel :

and I thought my mom was hard to shop for….damn!

Rate this comment: +32

Mar 4, 2010
9:25 pm

#3 Zenkila :

a card and a snuggie ideal for:
Born Again Christian, insecure & in her 40’s, lives in Colorado & she is cold alot, she is also very skinny.
She also loves her cat.

Rate this comment: +35

Mar 4, 2010
9:30 pm

#4 froufroubijou :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -43

Mar 4, 2010
9:30 pm

#5 methuselah :

Whenever it’s critical that the products I buy are absolutely pure and and nonallergenic, I always rely on total strangers for goods made at home with no regulation or oversight whatsoever.

Rate this comment: +216

Mar 4, 2010
9:34 pm

#6 geektastic :

#5 and expect to pay a maximum of $10

Rate this comment: +71

Mar 4, 2010
9:36 pm

#7 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

Poor girl, I wonder if she would have an “episode” if her child took the time to make something special for her instead of outsourcing “the thought that counts”.

Rate this comment: +61

Mar 4, 2010
9:38 pm

#8 mtopia :

I certainly don’t want to be around for one of her mum’s “episodes”, that sounds less than pleasant.

Rate this comment: +20

Mar 4, 2010
9:44 pm

#9 quizzicalpussy :

Haha! Your born-again mom has herpes.

Rate this comment: +144

Mar 4, 2010
9:46 pm

#10 jodirocks :

wow. just dont know where to start with this one.

Rate this comment: +1

Mar 4, 2010
9:51 pm

#11 Magickal Fuckery :

I would like to buy my mom some self esteem – $10 max.

Rate this comment: +122

Mar 4, 2010
9:55 pm

#12 Karmaeleon :

“exposed to too many things to list” – how on earth are people to know then what they can use for the products? (and chances are that when they get the list of the things they actually CAN use, those will exceed the 10 dollars in raw ingredients alone…). Let’s tell her to put raw honey on her cold sores, that actually helps, of course she will be allergic to apis mellifera…

Rate this comment: +25

Mar 4, 2010
10:05 pm

#13 Vile & Evil Debbie Downer :

Items for gift basket:

1. Tube socks 3-pack
2. Carmex
3. Lint roller
4. Glow-in-the-dark dashboard Jesus
5. Snickers

HAPPY EASTER, MOM

Rate this comment: +223

Mar 4, 2010
10:11 pm

#14 hamoza :

How about a brass crucifix -brass is natural-with that little ‘ extra something’ ?

That might loosen her up.

Rate this comment: +17

Mar 4, 2010
10:13 pm

#15 mtopia :

Hey Mum! So I wanted to get you something personalized, so I paid a stranger on the internet ten dollars to make it for you! Happy Easter!

Rate this comment: +54

Mar 4, 2010
10:14 pm

#16 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

A bottle of Vodka.

With a profile like that she needs a drink – unless of course, alcohol triggers “episodes”.

Rate this comment: +55

Mar 4, 2010
10:15 pm

#17 whyohwhy :

this can’t be real? it so sounds like a satirical story i’d make up

Rate this comment: +23

Mar 4, 2010
10:32 pm

#18 Recovering Crack Baby :

I happen to have two very nice tin foil love cards that were made at the New Dimension’s Center in Colorado.FREE envelopes!!!!!!

Rate this comment: +42

Mar 4, 2010
10:39 pm

#19 geektastic :

RCB hahahaha!

I’m way ahead of you guys:

http://i761.photobucket.com/albums/xx256/geektastic_whimsy/Regretsy%20NSFW/herpes_basket.png

Rate this comment: +67

Mar 4, 2010
10:40 pm

#20 Recovering Crack Baby :

I am very,very,very,very,very,very. Did I mention very interested in seeing an “episode.” I will pay you the 10.00 for your sweet gift if I can watch an “episode.”
Double if I can film it.
And yes. Don’t fret my pet the LOVE cards are still included.
I love episodict people. Especially the unpredictable ones. Good times.

Rate this comment: +22

Mar 4, 2010
10:41 pm

#21 geektastic :

I wish we could see the bids. That would be sooo entertaining.

Rate this comment: +25

Mar 4, 2010
10:42 pm

#22 Recovering Crack Baby :

#19 geektastic : RCB hahahaha!

I’m way ahead of you guys:

PERFECTO GEEKTASTIC- you created a basket case.

Rate this comment: +15

Mar 4, 2010
10:46 pm

#23 sudabaki© :

Any cat loving, insecure, skinny, prone to episodes mom would be so excited to have her child broadcast that over the internet. With a child like that who needs a gift?

Rate this comment: +97

Mar 4, 2010
10:47 pm

#24 barbedwire and roses :

that’s just sad

Rate this comment: +20

Mar 4, 2010
10:51 pm

#25 mtopia :

I like how she snuck the cold sore cream in between chocolate and “pretty face stuff”, which is a good way to operate. Sandwich a negative between two positives.

Rate this comment: +57

Mar 4, 2010
10:52 pm

#26 ThisJustMakesMeSad :

The girl who wants it all but doesn’t want to pay for it.

The seller would spend $10 on materials alone, plus their time to handcraft it; add to that the cost of shipping and a trip to the postal outlet!

This gal is better off going to Target for her one stop shopping.

Rate this comment: +22

Mar 4, 2010
11:13 pm

#27 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

WANTED: “one stop shop” to buy a tender gesture of affection that I can use to impress someone I have little respect for.

Rate this comment: +54

Mar 4, 2010
11:46 pm

#28 tanaise :

I always love the idea that natural and organic things are not chemical and thus one could not possible be allergic to them. People are only allergic to artificial things like nuts and seafood and milk…

Now, if we really worked at it, I’m sure we could figure out what she’s allergic to just by reading the post. I mean, she has a cat, and can eat chocolate, so there’s a start! Just throw some ideas out, people, it doesn’t matter if they’re stupid, let’s just get a dialog going.

Rate this comment: +44

Mar 4, 2010
11:50 pm

#29 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

Maybe some all natural 10 dollar chocolate flavored pretty face cold sore lip balm?

Rate this comment: +19

Mar 5, 2010
12:01 am

#30 mtopia :

@#28 She’s not allergic to uhmm Jesus? Once again?

Rate this comment: +8

Mar 5, 2010
12:08 am

#31 katemonster :

How about a picture of a bear getting intimate with a girl? The bear represents Jesus.

Rate this comment: +19

Mar 5, 2010
12:16 am

#32 tanaise :

Good, good, so that’s chocolate, jesus and cats. I’m thinking chocolate Jesus statue, I’m thinking Jesus outfits for the cat…Good start, good start!

Rate this comment: +36

Mar 5, 2010
12:30 am

#33 The Blue Kraken :

color me confused on this.. .. she told us her mom has strong allergies, that she’s a little necrotic, she liked cats and is too thin (hm the description doesn’t really say to me “hey i really know and love you”)

she put some descriptive tags up.. .. oh hm the three items.. some weird balm, a chocolate and make up.. thats … im not sure i would eat the chocolate after the sore balm.

for ten dollars that’s guna be an itty bitty teensey basket

Rate this comment: +7

Mar 5, 2010
12:33 am

#34 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

Mom isn’t just Christian, she’s “Born Again Christian” so the hand made card should include a lecture.

Rate this comment: +50

Mar 5, 2010
12:44 am

#35 The Blue Kraken :

Geektastic…… your basket is missing a cat.. it needs a cat. she likes cats

Rate this comment: +19

Mar 5, 2010
12:49 am

#36 Magickal Fuckery :

How much to buy a clue?

Rate this comment: +10

Mar 5, 2010
12:57 am

#37 mtopia :

@#31 Chocolate Jesus/Jesus outfits for her cats? I’m on it!

Rate this comment: +12

Mar 5, 2010
1:08 am

#38 hamoza :

I’m thinking Jesus crackers, cheez wiz & a chocolate egg under her pillow.

Rate this comment: +19

Mar 5, 2010
1:15 am

#39 clitty's got claws :

A few things popped into my head once I read this.
1: If you add gossipy, bitchy, and 25 years to the age, it’s a dead ringer for one of my aunts.
2: I’m guessing the cold sores started before she became a Born Again Christian.
3: I don’t think the “episodes” are caused by any physical sensitivity or allergy. I think the “episodes” are really “manic episodes” from not taking her lithium like her doctor told her to. Either that or the “episodes” are from the spirit of Jesus…

Rate this comment: +29

Mar 5, 2010
1:18 am

#40 clitty's got claws :

…possessing her body, a spirit of a demon possessing her body, or just the mere fact that she’s a Born Again Christian.
4: I’m guessing her insecurities come from a daughter who doesn’t want to spend more than $10 on her, including the card, and also posts the fact that the woman is insecure and some personal information about her on the internet, where anyone and everyone in the world can see what her daughter posted about her.

Those are just about the only things that popped into my…

Rate this comment: +28

Mar 5, 2010
3:26 am

#41 UnaBee :

This is hilarious. The mom is not the one I’m feeling bad for here at all.

Rate this comment: +9

Mar 5, 2010
4:18 am

#42 StinkBait :

I think the best gifts for this woman do not involve little meterial trinkets.

Stop over and see your mother more often, even if she can be a pain in the ass.

Rate this comment: +29

Mar 5, 2010
5:16 am

#43 HelenaHandbasket :

Herpes ointment is not a gift. No wonder the poor thing has episodes. I would, however, like to see the entire list of things that are her triggers, just so that I can feel better about myself.

Rate this comment: +27

Mar 5, 2010
6:28 am

#44 jojo :

Yes, Alex, I’ll take Presents for Insecure Cold Mothers for $10.00.

Rate this comment: +32

Mar 5, 2010
6:31 am

#45 tejasmom :

#32 – I hope you mean neurotic, not necrotic (dead cells and tissue), but maybe you do! This is a mighty weird Alchemy.

Rate this comment: +24

Mar 5, 2010
6:52 am

#46 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

Someone should mention to this kid that hugs are free and they help Moms with sensitivity, insecurity, make her feel warmer, feel younger and might help her put on weight.

Just apply daily as needed.

Rate this comment: +40

Mar 5, 2010
7:02 am

#47 brute :

insecure and in her 40s made me crack up

Rate this comment: +8

Mar 5, 2010
7:26 am

#48 MAG :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -6

Mar 5, 2010
8:03 am

#49 Leth :

I’ve got it in one item, a “hand crafted” bottle of Xanax and catnip laced Irish Catholic whiskey, replete with Carmex dipped cork. The label is the card.

Rate this comment: +10

Mar 5, 2010
8:04 am

#50 Dix :

Man, I just spent $30 on two vintage china rabbits to complete the set that Mom inherited from her mother, and considers some of her dearest sentimental possessions.

I am such a tool. I had no idea that nothing says “thoughtful” like cheap goods produced by random strangers.

Rate this comment: +21

Mar 5, 2010
8:23 am

#51 laughinglurker :

Touching really…When you care enough to send the very best…and all that good stuff.

Too bad we can’t see what Mom ends up with

Rate this comment: +15

Mar 5, 2010
8:33 am

#52 faunablues :

tanaise – you also missed that she’s got “coffee” tagged. I’m thinking a certified pre-owned coffee can, with a picture of Jesus glued on the front. Inside: chocolate cats. Do they make chocolate cats? If not, we’ll just stick some malt balls & cat hair in there and call it $85.
+ herpes cream.

Rate this comment: +15

Mar 5, 2010
9:05 am

#53 Wilma Fingerdoo :

I just think if ever a mom deserved to hit the Etsy pipe, it’s this one.
Damn, I hope I never, ever have one of my daughters list an “About my Mom” description to pawn off a thoughtful gift purchase for me.
(Plus, I’m truly frightened as to how my girls would describe me…)

Rate this comment: +17

Mar 5, 2010
9:08 am

#54 razberries :

LOLLLL
I saw this posted last night on the FB fan page…hysterical.
If I were that girl’s mother, I’d kill her for outting the fact that she has herpes…(and sounds like a nut)

Rate this comment: +10

Mar 5, 2010
9:46 am

#55 SuperSnark :

Geektastic: Perfect a basket for a basket case!

$10.00 budget+cheap assed daughter=dollar store Easter!

Perhaps daughter should apply the ten bucks to Mom’s co-pay to get her meds to cope with the “episodes”. Nothing says “I love you” like xanax!

Rate this comment: +9

Mar 5, 2010
9:51 am

#56 mishhell :

I just want to clarify to everyone that cold sores are not necessarily always an STD – yes, they are a form of herpes, but some people just get them without having contracted them via sexual contact.

This mom sounds like she needs a hug and a new child.

Rate this comment: +29

Mar 5, 2010
9:57 am

#57 SuperSnark :

Too bad the pipe cleaner cats are waaaay out of her budget, they would be the final touch for geektastic’s gift basket!!!

Rate this comment: +12

Mar 5, 2010
10:08 am

#58 babalu :

here’s an idea: go to a drug store and buy stuff for your mom you cheap ass!!!!

Holy fuck.

Rate this comment: +8

Mar 5, 2010
10:24 am

#59 IscreamUscream :

@Suda, yeah–nice bit of flattery for mom.
I’ll put up $10 for a nice kick in the pants for that requester.

Rate this comment: +10

Mar 5, 2010
10:40 am

#60 Ziukkinna :

I actually thought it was sweet until I got to “cold sore…” Then it fell apart completely.

Rate this comment: +7

Mar 5, 2010
10:48 am

#61 Efit :

Go to Whole Foods, you doofus.

Rate this comment: +4

Mar 5, 2010
10:54 am

#62 Efit :

…didn’t finish my thought before I hit Submit. I worked at WF and crazy weird OCD / “prone-to-episodes” types were our bread and butter. $10 will get you a recycled tote bag, a chunk of nasty soylent brown (carob) and some lip creme. GOOD LUCK

Rate this comment: +17

Mar 5, 2010
11:05 am

#63 enamy :

this person obviously hates their mother.

Rate this comment: +11

Mar 5, 2010
11:07 am

#64 iamhydrogen14 :

Why can’t we see the bids? Why oh why???

Seriously, the passive-aggressive childhood rage going on here is astounding. Last year I felt bad because all I got my mom for mother’s day was a $30 pair of sterling silver earrings. Apparently I’m daughter of the year!

Rate this comment: +15

Mar 5, 2010
12:17 pm

#65 iamhydrogen14 :

a special Easter basket by iamhydrogen14, on Flickr

Rate this comment: +22

Mar 5, 2010
1:45 pm

#66 SexyStitches :

something about this makes me think of e-harmony??

Rate this comment: +7

Mar 5, 2010
1:48 pm

#67 iunifera :

how hard is a handmade card?

Rate this comment: +8

Mar 5, 2010
2:09 pm

#68 wtf-is-this :

I think one of us should bid on this just to see how high the bidding goes. geez, my first hint at dysfunction was the “Born Again Christian”, maybe mom got bad cold sores and “episodes” coming out the Jesus birth canal. It probably would fuck me up pretty bad too.

Rate this comment: +7

Mar 5, 2010
3:05 pm

#69 whitebelt :

I’m just going to assume that this daughter is included in the ‘too many things to list’ list.

Rate this comment: +11

Mar 5, 2010
5:02 pm

#70 kkbstreet :

I just want to know why her $10 max, 1 stop shop isn’t to CVS. I’m pretty sure you can get all that there…

Rate this comment: +5

Mar 5, 2010
6:38 pm

#71 haldol :

PUT THE F**KING LOTION IN THE BASKET!!!

Rate this comment: +11

Mar 5, 2010
10:51 pm

#72 priceless :

Nice work iamhydrogen! You have talent! And a future on Etsy, you lucky thing!

Rate this comment: +2

Mar 6, 2010
12:32 pm

#73 geektastic :

Oh, and awesomesauce on the PS!

Rate this comment: +2

Mar 6, 2010
12:41 pm

#74 geektastic :

Crap, left out a quotation mark. Let’s try the link photobucket suggests

test kitty image

You actually can’t use html in the comments; something I’m trying to fix. If you see links or pictures posted, it’s because I saw them and coded them for you. – HK

Rate this comment: +1

Mar 6, 2010
2:29 pm

#75 iseg :

Given the general insanity this may seem a little pedantic.. but there is no such thing as a treatment free from chemicals. Unless of course this person wants to give her mother a plasma composed of sub-atomic particles. Water is a chemical, glucose (the stuff that every cell in your body depends on for energy) is a chemical. I have nothing against organic products but this kind of unscientific bullshit really pisses me off.

Rate this comment: +7

Mar 6, 2010
2:30 pm

#76 iseg :

Of course if you want an all natural gift, why not try a dose of arsenic?

It’s an element so pretty much as pure as you can get, and i guarantee it’ll cure your mother of her ‘episodes’

Rate this comment: +10

Mar 6, 2010
6:32 pm

#77 whaapplewha :

this has got to be a joke. A very funny joke.

Rate this comment: 0

Mar 6, 2010
6:33 pm

#78 whaapplewha :

I wonder if she got any responses from potential gentlemen callers.

Rate this comment: +3