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Laps in Judgment

Posted by Helen Killer

71 comments

Filed in Books 71 comments

71 Comments

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Mar 4, 2010
5:04 pm

#1 CreepyLittleGirl :

Just asked my dad, a big NASCAR fan, if he wants this. He said, and I quote, “Uhhhhhhhh…no.”

Not even with the fantastic cover art. Go figure.

Rate this comment: +29

Mar 4, 2010
5:06 pm

#2 pdrunk :

That woman needs some Level Infinity +1 help. Her book cover looks like it was blown up from the picture they took for her Costco card and then technicolorized by a disgraced NY Gov. David Paterson.

Rate this comment: +50

Mar 4, 2010
5:09 pm

#3 Fae :

…is she wearing pants?

Rate this comment: +39

Mar 4, 2010
5:10 pm

#4 detroit :

Oil runs in my veins,
Steering fluid – my cologne,
Can I honk your horn?

Rate this comment: +83

Mar 4, 2010
5:12 pm

#5 hamoza :

Fuck, I just love Amerika.

Rate this comment: +20

Mar 4, 2010
5:14 pm

#6 hamoza :

Fuck, what I meant was what the fuck is this doing on etsy, how the fuck is this handmade, WTF?

Rate this comment: +9

Mar 4, 2010
5:15 pm

#7 schinders :

“hand me another doughnut with condiments on it?” condiments? what the hell is this woman doing to her doughnuts? it’s bad enough she’s selling nascar crap on ebay, but for the love of god, she’s putting mayo on fried dough. oh the humanities!

Rate this comment: +14

Mar 4, 2010
5:15 pm

#8 afinch :

maria bennett
america says sorry
for freedom of speech

(And they’d like it back, please)

Rate this comment: +34

Mar 4, 2010
5:15 pm

#9 hamoza :

‘poetry & nascar’, I quote.

Rate this comment: +9

Mar 4, 2010
5:18 pm

#10 detroit :

Can I light your smoke?
Can my rubber hit your road?
Oh! My Nascar babe!

Rate this comment: +28

Mar 4, 2010
5:19 pm

#11 Recovering Crack Baby :

Besides the huge hair-sprayed bangs and different shades of hair color, I am most impressed by her writing tablet and pen with the fucking laptop that sits in front of her.

Rate this comment: +40

Mar 4, 2010
5:21 pm

#12 Recovering Crack Baby :

#9 hamoza : ‘poetry & nascar’, I quote.

Is this what they were trying to say in the song, “Poetry In Motion?”

Rate this comment: +6

Mar 4, 2010
5:22 pm

#13 geektastic :

I smell stalker. And she sings too http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=41321068

“Part of the proceeds from every sale of this cd will go to benefit the Jeff Gordon Foundation” wonder how much?

Rate this comment: +12

Mar 4, 2010
5:22 pm

#14 Recovering Crack Baby :

Somebody better PBR me ASAP.

Rate this comment: +19

Mar 4, 2010
5:24 pm

#15 hamoza :

#12 RCB By golly I think you’re right!I’m dizzy just thinking about it.

Rate this comment: +5

Mar 4, 2010
5:24 pm

#16 UnaBee :

Computers are for
youtube and downloading porn
for writing: notepads

Rate this comment: +27

Mar 4, 2010
5:27 pm

#17 emlemony :

There was a young man from Dayton(er)
who developed a very large boner
the fans, they would flash
and he’d get in a crash
while trying to become a sperm donor.

Rate this comment: +42

Mar 4, 2010
5:30 pm

#18 flare :

she’s right – i want this about as much as the fabled mustard on a doughnut.

Rate this comment: +25

Mar 4, 2010
5:32 pm

#19 aroseisarose :

Straight up, #14!

Rate this comment: +4

Mar 4, 2010
5:34 pm

#20 aroseisarose :

And #13…Creeepy!

Rate this comment: +2

Mar 4, 2010
5:34 pm

#21 sudabaki© :

Would this make any more sense to me if I knew anything about NASCAR?

Rate this comment: +22

Mar 4, 2010
5:35 pm

#22 geektastic :

No.

Rate this comment: +36

Mar 4, 2010
5:39 pm

#23 Stretch65 :

just like
mustard on a donut…
chocolate on bacon…
furry skants on a Dookie monster

Rate this comment: +20

Mar 4, 2010
5:40 pm

#24 Lola :

They realize “prose” and “poetry” are very much not the same, right?

Rate this comment: +32

Mar 4, 2010
5:41 pm

#25 geektastic :

Pretty sure the answer to that is also no.

Rate this comment: +23

Mar 4, 2010
5:46 pm

#26 Stretch65 :

next: there will be a book of poetry written by people in jail…

It will be called Prose and Cons…

Rate this comment: +83

Mar 4, 2010
5:48 pm

#27 sudabaki© :

#26 Stretch65: Maybe this is a book of poetry written by someone in jail.

Rate this comment: +12

Mar 4, 2010
5:52 pm

#28 HelenaHandbasket :

I need to start up a Psychic Etsy store-she looks just like I’d envisioned a NASCAR fan would.

Rate this comment: +19

Mar 4, 2010
5:56 pm

#29 IscreamUscream :

“Nascar poetry, donuts, and Jesus be praised”

da-yum.

Rate this comment: +7

Mar 4, 2010
6:00 pm

#30 geektastic :

Oh, yes, she has this song too http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=11125368

“The Original Route 66 that Maria is singing about, is God’s Highway to Heaven, the 66 books of the Holy Bible!”

uh-huh.

Rate this comment: +12

Mar 4, 2010
6:05 pm

#31 hamoza :

But she lists her brain in the materials section.

Rate this comment: +30

Mar 4, 2010
6:11 pm

#32 starrydreams :

Seen at a NASCAR race on a t-shirt:
“Tits and Beer… That’s Why I’m Here..

Rate this comment: +13

Mar 4, 2010
6:17 pm

#33 lyontamer :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -6

Mar 4, 2010
6:18 pm

#34 geektastic :

#31 well, that explains a lot, doesn’t it?

Rate this comment: +10

Mar 4, 2010
6:19 pm

#35 lyontamer :

He’s makin’ a left turn!!!!

He’s makin’ another left turn!!!!

Rate this comment: +51

Mar 4, 2010
6:19 pm

#36 hamoza :

#34 geek, I’d rather not know.

Rate this comment: +4

Mar 4, 2010
6:20 pm

#37 thatjennchick :

Now I want to dip a donut in some mustard…jk.

Rate this comment: +4

Mar 4, 2010
6:38 pm

#38 lyontamer :

At first glance I thought this was another DVD.

Rate this comment: +4

Mar 4, 2010
6:48 pm

#39 razberries :

nascar? i agree with sudabaki, i don’t watch/understand it…

but if you COULD judge a book by it’s cover, i sure as hell wouldn’t want to get near anything to do with nascar, thank you very much.

Rate this comment: +9

Mar 4, 2010
6:51 pm

#40 Notouch :

weekly NASCAR prose
(or poetry, whatever)
sounds so retarded

Rate this comment: +6

Mar 4, 2010
6:52 pm

#41 Eruanna :

She couldnt put together a better cover then that? Really?

Rate this comment: +8

Mar 4, 2010
6:54 pm

#42 SuperSnark :

#13 Geektastic I agree! totally a stalker- I can only assume Jeff Gordon already has a restrining order…

Rate this comment: +16

Mar 4, 2010
7:01 pm

#43 MajorDanger :

Oh! NASCAR Hussy!
Oh! Queen of the Tanning Bed!
My Muse, your big mane!

Rate this comment: +26

Mar 4, 2010
7:01 pm

#44 twatsupcock :

I think we should introduce her and That Varga dude. Between her hair and his hairy armpits, they are a match made in. . . um. . . Well, frick . . .

Rate this comment: +13

Mar 4, 2010
7:20 pm

#45 gidgie :

Curiosity got the better of me. I went to listen to her music. It’s exactly what you’d expect.
http://www.reverbnation.com/#/mariabennett

Rate this comment: +6

Mar 4, 2010
7:33 pm

#46 Recovering Crack Baby :

twatsupcock- I did not copy and paste. I wanted to type it again. I think she could push his keyboard buttons with one hand and well just imagine what she could do with the other.

Rate this comment: +2

Mar 4, 2010
7:34 pm

#47 Recovering Crack Baby :

Damn now I put an awful vision of a Schlitz can turned into a five cent fuck face hole.

Rate this comment: +2

Mar 4, 2010
7:36 pm

#48 IscreamUscream :

Well, the “NASCAR poetry” concept is daunting, it took a few glasses of wine to get to simple verse:

“Look, he done gone blew up!”
“I’ve never seen a man in so many pieces”
“What lap is this…aw, fuckit gimme ‘nother beer”
“Yeah, I’m writing ‘poetry’—these are words ain’t they?”
“Ellie Mae, you watchout fer that tire comin yer way…Oh.”
“Praise the Lord and pass the gasoline. Let’s get drunk and drive route 66.”

Rate this comment: +11

Mar 4, 2010
7:38 pm

#49 BoogersPrncs :

I am really curious how she came up with the price $15.24.

Rate this comment: +10

Mar 4, 2010
7:55 pm

#50 carecaribou :

Er … am I the only one creeped out by THIS bit of poetry?

“BRIDGE:
Take my hand, daddy, dance with me,
Teach me what true love really means,”

Or is it a NASCAR thing?

From here: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=41321068

Rate this comment: +20

Mar 4, 2010
8:06 pm

#51 Vile & Evil Debbie Downer :

I like some mustard with my biscuits, mm hmm. All right theyun.

http://twitpic.com/16o8n8

Rate this comment: +13

Mar 4, 2010
8:08 pm

#52 mtopia :

So Harlequin Nascar books just weren’t enough for this woman? She wanted poetry. Or no wait prose? Now I’m confused.

Rate this comment: +6

Mar 4, 2010
8:24 pm

#53 hamoza :

#49VEDD~ You’re a bad bad girl.

Rate this comment: +5

Mar 4, 2010
8:39 pm

#54 Patty has abducted an Australian :

After seeing this, I will never again be annoyed by my husband’s “obsession” with NASCAR.

He’s just a fan of racing… but this… this is a whole ‘nother level of messed-up-ed-ness.

Rate this comment: +10

Mar 4, 2010
8:47 pm

#55 sheltiepitbullfun :

#49 I love it!

Rate this comment: 0

Mar 4, 2010
9:10 pm

#56 geektastic :

Sooo…Jeff Gordon is a pedophile?

Rate this comment: +3

Mar 4, 2010
9:13 pm

#57 butterwort :

You know, I think this would be less disturbing if she were just writing RPfic about Jeff Gordon.

Rate this comment: +8

Mar 4, 2010
10:45 pm

#58 hamoza :

#49 boogers, yeah, that price of $15.24 is a brain twister. It annoys me almost as much as what shes selling.

Rate this comment: +7

Mar 4, 2010
10:48 pm

#59 mtopia :

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Rate this comment: +20

Mar 4, 2010
11:43 pm

#60 Kecky :

@Lola: Out of this whole horrifying mess, that’s the one thing that appalled me too!!

Rate this comment: +1

Mar 5, 2010
12:52 am

#61 clitty's got claws :

#51 Vile & Evil Debbie Downer: LMFAO! That’s just raunchy and awesome and wrong all rolled into one!

Couldn’t resist…took a listen to her “Original Route 66(6 hehe)” song…she has a decent singing voice, but not one I would enjoy listening to because that is THE stereotypical Christian singer’s voice, and I stay away from everything that is Christian (I might burst into flames if I don’t).

I’ve always hated NASCAR, but I think this book just makes me hate it even more!

Rate this comment: +14

Mar 5, 2010
7:56 am

#62 Leth :

That’s right up there with a T-shirt I’d like my future ex-wife to wear at the next race – “Blows Gaskets for Beer money.”

Rate this comment: +3

Mar 5, 2010
8:11 am

#63 lampshade :

#51, VEDD: WIN.

Rate this comment: +3

Mar 5, 2010
10:42 am

#64 iamhydrogen14 :

sigh..sadly, what bothers me the most is the misuse of “prose.” Prose is not poetry.

Rate this comment: +4

Mar 5, 2010
2:24 pm

#65 twatsupcock :

#46 recovering crack baby, LOVE IT!!!!!

Rate this comment: +1

Mar 5, 2010
5:50 pm

#66 Recovering Crack Baby :

I can’t believe she is trying to sell this on ETSY. If I had this kind of talent i would not fuck around. I’d go straight to Wal-Mart with it.

Rate this comment: +5

Mar 5, 2010
5:55 pm

#67 Recovering Crack Baby :

#49 BoogersPrncs :
#58 hamoza :
I am guessing that the 24 is for Jeff Gordon, the NASCAR Driver she stalks, as his racing number is 24. I don’t know about the number 15. I do know that alot of your cheaper beer is often sold in a 15 pack. Just a guess.

Rate this comment: +2

Mar 5, 2010
7:24 pm

#68 janncri :

VEDD FTW!

Rate this comment: 0

Mar 6, 2010
7:49 am

#69 BoogersPrncs :

#67 I have found the answer to the 15 after re-reading her description a bit slower. “In my 15 1/2 years of hosting For Race Fans Only on QVC”…oh boy…

Rate this comment: +2

Mar 6, 2010
11:26 am

#70 HelenaHandbasket :

This clown-faced gal gives a whole new, disturbing interpretation to the term “pole position”.

Rate this comment: +1

Mar 8, 2010
10:22 am

#71 Jackson :

You know, I think this is in the grand tradition of Beat poetry. It’s not bad. Unintentionally, of course.

Rate this comment: +1