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For the first time, The Regretsy Alchemy Fund has two charity projects in the works at once:

PROJECT LINUS

Project Linus is an organization that solicits handmade blankets for seriously ill and traumatized children. I’ve heard from some parents who cherish these blankets, given to their kids when they were born prematurely or spent time in the hospital. It’s a nice charity, despite the horse shit we’ve put up with from a certain Facebook hag who will go unnamed (TAMMY).

Our blankets are being made by Julia, who’s doing a great job. Even though she’s making 50 of them, she’s taking the time to make each one special, because people really hold on to them forever.

I also want to thank Nikki, who designed and donated 350 labels for us to sew into these and future projects. They look wonderful, and by donating them to us, it freed up $100 that we were able to put toward our second project:

KNITTED KNOCKERS

Knitted Knockers is a charity knit program that provides free knitted prosthetic breasts to breast cancer survivors. Many women can’t afford prosthetics, or they have a reaction to the silicone, or it’s too soon after surgery to be fitted for a traditional prosthetic breast. For these reasons and many others, a soft, knitted breast is a comfort, and a wonderful thing to have.

When I put the job up for bidding on Etsy, I was flooded with offers from a lot of great people. I decided to raise the budget, and split this job between two knitters.

The first knitter is Kristal, who has been knitting for 15 years, and whose grandmother, a breast cancer survivor, uses these knitted prosthetics.

Kristal uses a lot of humor in her work, and I really think that’s about the greatest tool you have when you’re fighting cancer. So I’m happy to report that Kristal will be making some “tattooed” breasts, as well a few with pierced nipples, and maybe even a smiley face.

The second knitter is Becca, who has store called Knitting Wounded. Becca is a 27 year old breast cancer survivor who had her right breast and over 30 lymph nodes taken out. “I am much better now,” says Becca, who started reconstruction in December. “Now I have a boob and a third!”

Not only does Becca use these knitted prosthetics herself, she organized a Knit Tit Along, and donated a box of Knit Tits to her oncologist’s patient pool.

I am super excited about this project. I commit to making at least 50 hand-knit breasts out of Rowan Calmer. This yarn is soft, hypo-allergenic, and machine washable. It’s my favorite yarn for my own prosthetics. I also have a huge variety of vintage buttons (bought on Etsy) that I use for nipples.

We really couldn’t have two better people to do this, and I want to thank them both for taking this on.

And I also want to thank all of you for buying from our Zazzle store, because its the T-shirts and mugs and other shoddy fuckery that fund things like this.

Now let’s knock off all this touchy feely crap and start making fun of shit.

WIPE YOUR SCROTUS WITH THE POTUS