Yeah, I hate those damned overpriced sarcastic cake toppers too, acting all fucking smug with their hair and noses and limbs and clothing. Fuck ‘em all! Give me two clothes pins with sharpie smiles anyday.
Someone, somewhere in the Etsy forums is lauding this as beautiful art, and encouraging the genius behind it to keep creating. Meanwhile us no-talent baddies say mean things because we never listened to our mamas and have too much time on our hands. And a million pieces of crap collect a million motes of dust.
I have an ideal. Salt/bride and pepper/groom cake toppers. They double as a functional item after the wedding. If anyone uses that make sure to credit/pay royalties to me.
In other news, a stair banister collapsed at the wedding reception, seriously injuring thirteen, including the bride. The cause of the accident is still officially undetermined, but investigators suspect that the collapse may have been the result of instability caused by two railings that appeared to have been sawed off near their tops.
#29 Jea: Holy shit! Those are cute but $85?! Maybe my romance died when I popped the first kid out but I can’t see spending that on a cake topper. Unless it can wipe my ass and feed the cat too.
If the seller decorated the cake they should just stick with that, because it’s pretty decent. I say leave the stairs alone; home renovations are nice, but I have a feeling this isn’t what they had in mind when they said “DIY”.
It actually looks like a toilet paper roll holder (the old fashioned wooden ones) cut in half to make Cailiou like Groom and Bride.
Just glue these suckers together and put on some presidential embroidery and you’re in business.
@41 SloGin – OMGawd it’s PERFECT! Thanks so much. Now that I have found the perfect topper, I can focus on finding the perfect groom. Note to self: he must resemble the Lego man.
Mock all you want, but I think this topper makes an eloquent and symbolic statement … about two people who fell in love while undergoing experimental treatment for bilateral arm cancer.
I bet if you shoved them into the tops of a couple of Moon Pies they’d be a “must have” at every red neck wedding this year! Of course you could always use Ding Dongs for a more upscale look or Hostess Cupcakes if you have an unlimited budget!
I’m coming in late to this- it was parent/teacher conferences at the high school. I’ve got 3 kids and I’m in my 17th year of conferences, I’m not breaking that streak yet!
BUT!
My mother-in-law got my wedding cake topper at a yard sale & didn’t tell us! I found out AT the reception (“It only cost a dollar! A DOLLAR!). For the last 23 years I thought it was the tackiest thing ever.
#48 I was trying to figure out what these reminded me of, that’s exactly it, the Fisher Price people, back when they had no limbs or discernible clothes (just different colored plastic).
I had skeletons on my wedding cake…it was October and at the Party Store when I saw this cheesy bride and groom embraced in eternal love aside their tombstones…and I said, OH YES. This will be the only part of my wedding that belongs to me.
And I walked in to to room, with this horrible $5.00 piece of plastic and set it right on top of the cake. And smiled.
OMG they look just like me and my fiancee! What a coincedence! I’m totally buying these for our wedding cake.
Yes we’re both bald and limbless. We met at a quadropelegics with alopecia support group.
February 18, 2010 at 1:33 pm
These creations are surely destined to be handed down through the generations , barring termites and good taste of course.
February 18, 2010 at 1:34 pm
I like ‘em. Why are there rodents one the cake?
February 18, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Hair not included.
Dress/suit not included.
Arms not included.
Noses/eyebrows not included.
Cake not included.
Guinea pigs….we can talk.
February 18, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Mr. Clean, do you take THX 1138 as your lawfully-wedded wife?
February 18, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Wish I’d had clothespins and a Sharpie when *I* got married.
February 18, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Cool.
I have a sharpie too.
February 18, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Yeah, I hate those damned overpriced sarcastic cake toppers too, acting all fucking smug with their hair and noses and limbs and clothing. Fuck ‘em all! Give me two clothes pins with sharpie smiles anyday.
February 18, 2010 at 1:37 pm
nice cake, too bad they have clothespins and rodents on top…because those look just SO very wedding-esque (??? wtf)
February 18, 2010 at 1:38 pm
Why oh why did I get married so young?! There was a whole world of fuckery out there for me to discover!!
February 18, 2010 at 1:38 pm
I too want the tale behind the ‘pigs. Is this how they met? ‘Our guinea pigs fell in love – and so did we…’
February 18, 2010 at 1:38 pm
I kinda like it. The guinea pigs are weirding me out, however. At least this cake doesn’t have chocolate sprinkles on it…
February 18, 2010 at 1:39 pm
ok this has regretsy bait written all over it…nothing else in the shop? added 2 days ago?
February 18, 2010 at 1:39 pm
are the guinea pigs included???
February 18, 2010 at 1:39 pm
I want the guinea pigs.
I also believe I have a bits box full of those “people” that I just haven’t drawn faces on yet. Clearly I missed my calling.
February 18, 2010 at 1:40 pm
I had a bee on my wedding cake, and we raffled off our bouquet. I like wedding things that are not all schmaltzy wedding like.
February 18, 2010 at 1:40 pm
I live in sin with my baby daddy and likely will never need crap like this. HOWEVER, I’d like to see these “sarcastic cake toppers” she mentions.
I mean…really.
February 18, 2010 at 1:41 pm
#11 Raz, maybe not. It speaks to my laziness. If I ever get my ass in gear that’s probably what my shop will look like. One lonely item.
February 18, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Someone, somewhere in the Etsy forums is lauding this as beautiful art, and encouraging the genius behind it to keep creating. Meanwhile us no-talent baddies say mean things because we never listened to our mamas and have too much time on our hands. And a million pieces of crap collect a million motes of dust.
Life is beautiful.
February 18, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Efit: would this be considered sarcastic?
http://tinyurl.com/yk6swdx
February 18, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Making both figures bald and naked strikes me as a sarcastic gesture. Unless this was a nudist wedding.
February 18, 2010 at 1:44 pm
The groom is a knob.
February 18, 2010 at 1:44 pm
I have other projects I should be working on but now I just want to make cute little guinea pig sculptures. I miss owning furry sausages with eyes.
February 18, 2010 at 1:46 pm
I have an ideal. Salt/bride and pepper/groom cake toppers. They double as a functional item after the wedding. If anyone uses that make sure to credit/pay royalties to me.
February 18, 2010 at 1:46 pm
In other news, a stair banister collapsed at the wedding reception, seriously injuring thirteen, including the bride. The cause of the accident is still officially undetermined, but investigators suspect that the collapse may have been the result of instability caused by two railings that appeared to have been sawed off near their tops.
February 18, 2010 at 1:48 pm
Yeah razberries, I smell Regretsy bait, too. I’m lovin’ her Materials listings. I would so totally search for these keywords:
bride and groom are both about 2 inches high, wood, faces are permanent marker, hearts are wood marker
February 18, 2010 at 1:50 pm
@ #18 sudabaki© : Hilarious! Okay NOW I have to get married. And someone explain me why I get 3 thumbs down for calling out the sellers comment about “sarcastic wedding toppers.” I’m confuzzed!
February 18, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Awww, it’s sweet how they pine for each other…
; )
February 18, 2010 at 1:51 pm
*seller apostrophe s*
February 18, 2010 at 1:51 pm
Here we go. I’d pay $85 for this.http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=39441975&ref=sr_list_20&&ga_search_query=wedding+cake+topper&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=&includes=tags&includes=title
It’s got more colors.
February 18, 2010 at 1:51 pm
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=39441975&ref=sr_list_20&&ga_search_query=wedding+cake+topper&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=&includes=tags&includes=title
February 18, 2010 at 1:51 pm
You mean these AREN’T tacky? And to think I had planned on topping my future wedding cake with large lego’s, what was I THINKING?!
February 18, 2010 at 1:54 pm
#29 Jea: Holy shit! Those are cute but $85?! Maybe my romance died when I popped the first kid out but I can’t see spending that on a cake topper. Unless it can wipe my ass and feed the cat too.
February 18, 2010 at 1:56 pm
I don’t know, I keep seeing bowling pins, maybe since so many marriages start out optimistically going down the lane , only to end up in a gutter .
February 18, 2010 at 1:58 pm
You can get really drunk at the reception and use them as butt plugs!
February 18, 2010 at 1:59 pm
#33 creepydolls :
I’d love to be a fly on the wall at your wedding.
February 18, 2010 at 2:00 pm
@Suda <3 the cake of the living dead. It's the details that do it for me…
February 18, 2010 at 2:01 pm
They look like salt and pepper shakers gone bad!
But the guinea pigs are cute!!!
February 18, 2010 at 2:03 pm
Reminds me of weebils. You know they wobble, but they don’t fall down.
I prefer my cake toppers with arms. Unless the bride and groom are accident victims in which case, these are perfect!
February 18, 2010 at 2:04 pm
I can’t believe I get to link to this guys stuff (wha?) again…
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=35346808&ref=sr_gallery_6&&ga_search_query=wood+dildo&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=&order=&includes=tags&includes=title
A little sharpie work and voila….you’ve got wedding cake toppers that will *really* keep you happy forever!
February 18, 2010 at 2:06 pm
“Now that I’m getting married I won’t need these wood dildos anymore, but it seems like such a waste to throw them out! How can I upcycle these??”
February 18, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Broke Crumb Mountain, anyone?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/27900808@N06/4368273701/
February 18, 2010 at 2:08 pm
#30 I think legos can work. http://www.flickr.com/photos/steadierfooting/354374712/
February 18, 2010 at 2:09 pm
If the seller decorated the cake they should just stick with that, because it’s pretty decent. I say leave the stairs alone; home renovations are nice, but I have a feeling this isn’t what they had in mind when they said “DIY”.
February 18, 2010 at 2:09 pm
Is this for a same-sex wedding? Because the crotches on those naked things sure look alike.
February 18, 2010 at 2:09 pm
i would never use these on my wedding cake, but I have to say that the groom looks like a really nice guy.
February 18, 2010 at 2:09 pm
@Raz, classic!
February 18, 2010 at 2:10 pm
#31 Suda- “Unless it can wipe my ass….”
It actually looks like a toilet paper roll holder (the old fashioned wooden ones) cut in half to make Cailiou like Groom and Bride.
Just glue these suckers together and put on some presidential embroidery and you’re in business.
February 18, 2010 at 2:10 pm
when i was a little girl, i had the fisher price school bus w/the bald plastic kids w/no arms or legs…
*sniffle* i always hoped they’d get married someday…
will this make the snarky wedding magazine blog, oh mighty april/helen?
February 18, 2010 at 2:13 pm
#45 Wilma Fingerdoo: If I weren’t catatonically lazy today I’d photoshop that. Y’all will just have to just pretend I did it.
On a side note, my spell check must be southern. It approved Y’all.
February 18, 2010 at 2:14 pm
@41 SloGin – OMGawd it’s PERFECT! Thanks so much. Now that I have found the perfect topper, I can focus on finding the perfect groom. Note to self: he must resemble the Lego man.
February 18, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Mock all you want, but I think this topper makes an eloquent and symbolic statement … about two people who fell in love while undergoing experimental treatment for bilateral arm cancer.
February 18, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Those are Playmobil guinea pigs. this is what would result if I let my 5 year old decorate a cake.
February 18, 2010 at 2:22 pm
#49 joan of snark
I guess thats why they can’t wear their hearts on their sleeves.
February 18, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Hopefully we can all learn how to make these on Martha Stewart.
February 18, 2010 at 2:23 pm
I hate it when I get splinters in my fondant. That’s what I’m calling her this week instead of “Precious Lady.” My “fondant.” Yeah, that’s it.
February 18, 2010 at 2:27 pm
hussy!
http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs393.snc3/23950_10150091786420235_862630234_11313211_3290118_n.jpg
February 18, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Looks like the groom has wood for the bride….
WAIT! HE’S MADE OF WOOD
“How’s that for a Topper”
—-Hoo-Doo on Lidsville
February 18, 2010 at 2:31 pm
#56 headburgler~ Brazen hussy for sure. Guess their vows were a crock.
February 18, 2010 at 2:33 pm
#55vagooB sign on wedding reception table:
‘Please don’t fondle the fondant’
February 18, 2010 at 2:35 pm
She kept finding “sarcastic” cake toppers? Meaning she had conversations with them? Oh I see, this is Art of the Insane.
February 18, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Who do the giant pet rodents symbolize?
February 18, 2010 at 2:39 pm
#55 “Precious Lady” *giggle*
My four year old wants them. The guinea pigs, not the toppers.
February 18, 2010 at 2:43 pm
@ 56 & 58 – JEALOUSY rears its wooden head!
@ all you with level 7 skills, can I pleeeease haz the toppers bedazzled so they too look like disco balls?
February 18, 2010 at 2:43 pm
It’s too bad no one told her they’d repealed the law requiring humanoid figures atop wedding cakes.
February 18, 2010 at 2:44 pm
Brian Doyle-Murray marrying Persis Khambatta.
(God rest her soul)
February 18, 2010 at 2:44 pm
oh and do check out the urban dictionary on “mushroom stamp” as this groom seems ideally suited for same.
February 18, 2010 at 2:47 pm
I would buy the rodents. They are cute!
February 18, 2010 at 2:47 pm
I take it Etsy’s owls and cowls fad is now being replaced by half-bodies and cadavers.
February 18, 2010 at 2:48 pm
headburgler- PERFECT
February 18, 2010 at 2:49 pm
break ups can be hard on a girl. luckily there’s a manllow for that.
February 18, 2010 at 2:52 pm
headburglar- 2 photoshop fuckeries? i am jealous…LOL
that one was great too!
February 18, 2010 at 2:58 pm
@vimsickle–omg, aren’t those “rodents of unusual size”?
February 18, 2010 at 3:00 pm
I bet if you shoved them into the tops of a couple of Moon Pies they’d be a “must have” at every red neck wedding this year! Of course you could always use Ding Dongs for a more upscale look or Hostess Cupcakes if you have an unlimited budget!
February 18, 2010 at 3:01 pm
@#57 Stretch: LOL, yeah, he’s got a pretty big heart on.
February 18, 2010 at 3:04 pm
#74 schwwwwing !!!!
February 18, 2010 at 3:18 pm
@56 headburglar–what a doll-house wrecker!
February 18, 2010 at 3:31 pm
cake topper sponsored by Girl Scouts of America wooden crafts badge.
February 18, 2010 at 3:32 pm
BWAAAAA!!!!!!HAAAAA!!!!!!HAAAAAAA!
February 18, 2010 at 3:55 pm
Congrats Headburglar!
February 18, 2010 at 3:55 pm
I’m coming in late to this- it was parent/teacher conferences at the high school. I’ve got 3 kids and I’m in my 17th year of conferences, I’m not breaking that streak yet!
BUT!
My mother-in-law got my wedding cake topper at a yard sale & didn’t tell us! I found out AT the reception (“It only cost a dollar! A DOLLAR!). For the last 23 years I thought it was the tackiest thing ever.
Till now.
These make my MIL seem downright classy.
February 18, 2010 at 3:59 pm
@headburglar–congrats! I liked the pathos of the other too.
February 18, 2010 at 4:14 pm
oh man, what an honour.
February 18, 2010 at 4:53 pm
For a marriage that may wobble but won’t fall down.
February 18, 2010 at 6:13 pm
I wooden even dream of putting this on my wedding cake.
February 18, 2010 at 6:34 pm
#48 I was trying to figure out what these reminded me of, that’s exactly it, the Fisher Price people, back when they had no limbs or discernible clothes (just different colored plastic).
February 18, 2010 at 7:38 pm
are the clothespins jammed down into the cake or were their limbs eviscerated prior to drawing the smiling faces?
and wtf is up with the vermin?
February 18, 2010 at 10:00 pm
I hope these are washable – I’m sure the local preschool will want them back after the wedding.
February 18, 2010 at 10:33 pm
I find it interesting how some of this crapola generates empathy–just look at the COTD. If that’s not empathy, I don’t know what is.
February 18, 2010 at 11:33 pm
They’re not just members, they’re also the presidents!
(for men and women)
February 19, 2010 at 12:19 am
i guess the groom just kind of reminds me of my first boyfriend, you know?
oh, daniel…
http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs373.snc3/23950_10150092593240235_862630234_11318463_7976075_n.jpg
February 19, 2010 at 4:24 am
I had skeletons on my wedding cake…it was October and at the Party Store when I saw this cheesy bride and groom embraced in eternal love aside their tombstones…and I said, OH YES. This will be the only part of my wedding that belongs to me.
And I walked in to to room, with this horrible $5.00 piece of plastic and set it right on top of the cake. And smiled.
(This is a true story.)
February 19, 2010 at 11:10 am
Well, you got to admit…….they are one step up from the “clay pot people”!
February 19, 2010 at 11:11 am
“Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down!”
February 19, 2010 at 2:00 pm
at least the little hamsters are cute…
=)
February 19, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Finding out the guinea pigs are NOT included in the listing was the deal breaker for me.
February 19, 2010 at 3:59 pm
OMG they look just like me and my fiancee! What a coincedence! I’m totally buying these for our wedding cake.
Yes we’re both bald and limbless. We met at a quadropelegics with alopecia support group.
February 20, 2010 at 1:25 am
I’d use the guinea pigs for sure. Kind of symbolic, don’t you think?
February 20, 2010 at 9:58 am
Yeah because there’s nothing “tacky” about putting limbless wooden figures and fucking RODENTS on your wedding cake. Nothing at all.
February 20, 2010 at 3:42 pm
@#82 headburglar :
That’s totally the kind of fuckery that I have on my fridge!
February 23, 2010 at 9:47 am
aww a double wedding 4 the happy couple and their happy guinea pigs!