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Re: Yes/No

Posted by Helen Killer

103 comments

Filed in Annoying Descriptions, Holistic Horseshit 103 comments

103 Comments

Add Comment

Feb 17, 2010
1:37 pm

#1 littykidder :

So does this shit come via UPS / utterly &purely shit?

Rate this comment: +24

Feb 17, 2010
1:37 pm

#2 snarkeygirl :

Holistic Horseshit! Awesomesauce!

Rate this comment: +17

Feb 17, 2010
1:37 pm

#3 leftfoot :

don’t let my mom know this exists. this is the type of crazy shit she’d try herself and end up burning her house down. and parents living with me at 32 because my mom is batshit crazy isn’t something I’d like to be a part of.

Rate this comment: +53

Feb 17, 2010
1:39 pm

#4 CrazyMamaANJ :

The spoof email has an error, by the way. Still says “April Winchell wrote”

(Shit. I fixed it – HK)

Rate this comment: +10

Feb 17, 2010
1:40 pm

#5 littykidder :

Thank egods there is only 1 in stock.

Rate this comment: +31

Feb 17, 2010
1:40 pm

#6 michelleames :

Can you offer distance colon cleansing too?

Rate this comment: +119

Feb 17, 2010
1:40 pm

#7 Wilma Fingerdoo :

I’d hire him but I don’t think he does windows.

Or so the Shamans of Imbacils told me.

Rate this comment: +38

Feb 17, 2010
1:41 pm

#8 bumKittens :

If by “cleansing” he means “light-all-your-shit-on-fire-so-your-house-burns-down-and-you-can-collect-insurance-money-to-buy-all-new-shit” then it would make a bit more sense to spend $180.

Rate this comment: +60

Feb 17, 2010
1:41 pm

#9 maria78 :

“Namaste Bitches” Now that is a shirt that I want.

Rate this comment: +107

Feb 17, 2010
1:42 pm

#10 HelenaHandbasket :

Dude, you’re kidding, right? The Spirits of the Yachaqs (Shamans, duh) of Imbarura been ’shroomin’s since last Friday.

Rate this comment: +21

Feb 17, 2010
1:42 pm

#11 Wilma Fingerdoo :

Meant Shamans of Imbeciles. Duh.

Rate this comment: +12

Feb 17, 2010
1:42 pm

#12 bumKittens :

#9: I second that.

Rate this comment: +10

Feb 17, 2010
1:43 pm

#13 tarabu :

oh. wow. I mean over-the-phone psychics are bad enough but, wow. The best part is that if you still feel negativity it’s because a) you only paid for one room in the house to be cleaned, dumbass, instead of going whole-hog, as it were or b) your landlord found out you spent part of the rent money on this and is sending you bad vibes. Either way, you’d be better off catching fairies and releasing them individually in each room of your home.

Rate this comment: +41

Feb 17, 2010
1:44 pm

#14 buffoon :

thank you, Helen, for including the “Beatles” “lyric”… made my day.

Rate this comment: +26

Feb 17, 2010
1:46 pm

#15 razberries :

oh my god, i adore you…that email conversation was hysterical. i especially liked the email signature with the infamous beatles quote. well done!!!

Rate this comment: +17

Feb 17, 2010
1:47 pm

#16 LeeLooDallas :

Can he long distance clean my house? Like vacuuming and stuff?

Rate this comment: +57

Feb 17, 2010
1:47 pm

#17 snarkeygirl :

I too, would enjoy a “Namaste Bitches!” T-shirt! Can you make it smell like insense, too? Then I can cleanse my house while wearing it…. ‘course, I’d have to do it the old-fashioned way, but I’d be sporting a fan-fuckin’-tastic t-shirt!

Rate this comment: +20

Feb 17, 2010
1:48 pm

#18 rodgertheshrubber :

Please don’t squeeze the Shaman.

Rate this comment: +92

Feb 17, 2010
1:50 pm

#19 rodgertheshrubber :

Couldn’t you save yourself $177.50 and buy some Spic and Span and go to town?

Rate this comment: +25

Feb 17, 2010
1:50 pm

#20 littykidder :

I’m getting a signal from the regretsey shaman council that the Namaste Bitches tee shirt would make fine regretsey merch.

Rate this comment: +48

Feb 17, 2010
1:52 pm

#21 Patty has been abuducted by an alien :

I used to work in a new age shop. This isn’t even possible in the way of doing a cleansing. The whole point to a “room cleansing” is to be there. IN the room. And I’ve never seen a room cleansing that involved explosions of fire.

So, not only is this “holistic horseshit” to the rest of the world, it gets labeled “bullshit” by the holistic world as well.

*braces for the thumbs-downers*

Rate this comment: +129

Feb 17, 2010
1:54 pm

#22 tarabu :

awwww, Miss Patty, it’ll take the trolls at least an hour to find the new posting. You are safe . . . . . for now!

Rate this comment: +15

Feb 17, 2010
1:54 pm

#23 kitty :

Did anyone else see that the seller tagged this item as “weird”?

Also, upon visiting his website, allipacha.com, I found this:

“From the shamanic perspective, it is no coincidence that you gaze at this web page at this moment. You have drawn this web site to you for a reason and purpose. Do you know why you are at this moment reading these words?”

Because I thought your etsy item was too much to believe and I was looking for how far this whimsicle fuckery went…

Rate this comment: +98

Feb 17, 2010
1:55 pm

#24 razberries :

another thing- he doesn’t even list any “materials” in his listing.
i could give him some pointers to add these words to the listing besides killer’s aptly given hollistic horseshit:
bullshit, tomfoolery, sucker, gullible, trickery, deceit, wtf, say what

Rate this comment: +34

Feb 17, 2010
1:58 pm

#25 Dynomoose :

so for $180, I can get an email saying my house is evil spirit free?

Rate this comment: +36

Feb 17, 2010
2:00 pm

#26 Chrisnyc1213 :

This is exactly what my apartment needs: fire.

Rate this comment: +33

Feb 17, 2010
2:00 pm

#27 Efit :

A distance ceremony too commercial and inappropriate? Hells nah.

(now someone please explain me what the f*ck he’s talking about)

Rate this comment: +13

Feb 17, 2010
2:01 pm

#28 Whisperia :

Well, so long as it’s okay with the spirits.

Please, please, please put t-shirts in the shop that read, “Namaste, bitches!” I would totally buy one.

Rate this comment: +16

Feb 17, 2010
2:01 pm

#29 Efit :

Um……YIKES

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=40822368

Rate this comment: +24

Feb 17, 2010
2:02 pm

#30 starrydreams :

Someone bought one of these cleansings in December!!!

Here is the feedback the buyer left for him..

“I chose this ceremony in December so as to start the new year with a feeling of balance and peace, and I was not disappointed. Thank you, Tom Arcuti, for fascinating journey and candle ceremony long distance.”

Question. How did the buyer know there actually was a candle ceremony??

Rate this comment: +29

Feb 17, 2010
2:03 pm

#31 karen710 :

is that his little poodle going up in flames in the top right of the picture? if so, should i remove my cats from the house before the commencement of the internal cleansing ceremony?

Rate this comment: +15

Feb 17, 2010
2:03 pm

#32 LeeLooDallas :

Well, it’s nice to see someone get fired up about their job for a change.

Rate this comment: +31

Feb 17, 2010
2:05 pm

#33 Patty has been abuducted by an alien :

Crikey, his whole shop looks like he raided a new age shop’s close-out sale and is not selling the random items online.

Rate this comment: +18

Feb 17, 2010
2:05 pm

#34 MinnePurl :

If anyone’s interested, I can send you disdain from afar for only $17.50. I can add a decorative frame for $11.35, but shipping is $27.84. U.S. only.

The export tariffs and custom headaches for international disdain are not to be believed.

Rate this comment: +97

Feb 17, 2010
2:05 pm

#35 jeffreyrcarey :

Etsy should hire this dude to distance cleanse all the crap out of their hosted shops.

Rate this comment: +23

Feb 17, 2010
2:06 pm

#36 starrydreams :

I can’t believe I just wasted 5 minutes of my life looking through his feedback!

Rate this comment: +11

Feb 17, 2010
2:07 pm

#37 tarabu :

Hey, he hearted my shop a while ago! Obviously his psychic power were weaker then, because I was never drawn to buy any of this holistic horse(*cough*)shit.

. . . . until today . . must expand awareness of self with selenite massage wand and rutilated elixirs . . . .

oh wait, I have a live-in sailor and olive oil, I’m good!

Rate this comment: +33

Feb 17, 2010
2:08 pm

#38 methuselah :

Unless he provides a video/DVD of the ceremony then doesn’t this listing violate Etsy policy? Not that I really give a shit, anyone so open to suggestion that they believe their lives can be improved by a long distance ceremony by some joker in pajamas is someone I want to sell a bridge. An invisible, mysticle rainbow bridge.

Rate this comment: +30

Feb 17, 2010
2:09 pm

#39 littykidder :

This also sucks cuz it makes a mockery of certain ancient practices held sacred by many tribes.
Reminds me of the yahoo conducting sweatlodge ceremonies where a few people died.Serious practicioners rightly labeled him a quack.
This Yaqui is wacky with a capital $.

Rate this comment: +43

Feb 17, 2010
2:14 pm

#40 voxwoman :

Is this the same guy who’s on trial for manslaughter for killing a couple of people in a sweatlodge ceremony?
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2009-10-26-sweat-lodge-self-help-James-Ray_N.htm

Where the hell are the Lakotas when you need them?
http://www.aics.org/war.html

Rate this comment: +11

Feb 17, 2010
2:14 pm

#41 TheOldGuy :

I think the spirits he consulted are on the table behind him.

In the end,
The money you make
Is equal to the love you sell

Rate this comment: +38

Feb 17, 2010
2:15 pm

#42 voxwoman :

#39 littykidder, LOL. Great minds…

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 17, 2010
2:25 pm

#43 clevercat :

#29 Efit – OMG – Selenite “massage wand” in one of our handmade batik drawstring pouches. Each wand is unique – I will choose one for you – about 6 inches long x 1 inch across – very comfortable in your hand and a powerful tool.
UUmm thanks a lot but I already have one – he comes over every Friday night after work. Shovels snow and takes out the garbage sometimes too.

Rate this comment: +43

Feb 17, 2010
2:31 pm

#44 michelleames :

Someone bought this???? I’m sending them distance disdain and distance disbelief for free.

Rate this comment: +18

Feb 17, 2010
2:32 pm

#45 kittyofassisi :

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=6169239

Now were talkin!

Rate this comment: +9

Feb 17, 2010
2:40 pm

#46 geektastic :

Ow! Too pointy. Now that “selenite” wand…
Selenite is apparently a form of gypsum. Doesn’t sound as spiritual.

Rate this comment: +8

Feb 17, 2010
2:40 pm

#47 kittyofassisi :

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=36558296

http://curezone.com/ig/i.asp?i=649

OK I’m ready for lots of red thumbs on this one.

Rate this comment: +11

Feb 17, 2010
2:44 pm

#48 hautemom :

mote it be, bitches!

Rate this comment: +34

Feb 17, 2010
2:47 pm

#49 madamedefarge :

Ohhhh, I get by with a little help from my friends.

{Spirit of Joe Cocker}

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 17, 2010
2:54 pm

#50 PinwheelPeeWee :

If by too commercial, you mean too cruel to take money from the mentally deficient… then maybe…just maybe. But then again they would have more money to spend on things like glorified sticks labeled as fae wands…or whatever the hell that crap was called. hmmmm. Quite the conundrum.

Rate this comment: +6

Feb 17, 2010
2:55 pm

#51 Efit :

@#43 clevercat – Tell him to stop by my house afterwards.

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 17, 2010
2:56 pm

#52 Efit :

@#50 PinwheelPeeWee – I flagged the holistic shit out of his shop (well, okay 2 flags b/c I’m adamant but lazy). While fodder for Regretsy, it’s total crap on Etsy, and they should know better than to let crap like this in the door. srsly

Rate this comment: +12

Feb 17, 2010
3:03 pm

#53 Patty has been abuducted by an alien :

**@myself- Crikey, his whole shop looks like he raided a new age shop’s close-out sale and is not selling the random items online.**

NOW- he’s NOW selling them. Damn you typos! DAMN YOU TO HELL! *shakes angry fist at keyboard*

Rate this comment: +13

Feb 17, 2010
3:14 pm

#54 txesg :

“consultation with the Spirits of the Yachaqs (Shamans) of Imbabura”=phone call from collection agency/loan shark/kid at college needing $$$

Rate this comment: +15

Feb 17, 2010
3:17 pm

#55 MAG :

You keep doing cleansings like that…you’re bound to make an ash of yourself!

Rate this comment: +23

Feb 17, 2010
3:19 pm

#56 MAG :

Let’s all hold hands and chant….

Owatta goo Siam!

Rate this comment: +11

Feb 17, 2010
3:20 pm

#57 Recovering Crack Baby :

I consulted with my Insurance Adjuster and he said 65% of all home fires are due to , Holistic Horseshit.

OMG- Helen that is the fucking best.

Rate this comment: +27

Feb 17, 2010
3:28 pm

#58 Recovering Crack Baby :

Shamans – but you can call me Sham for short.

Rate this comment: +16

Feb 17, 2010
3:29 pm

#59 Recovering Crack Baby :

#51 Efit : Would you really take in a 6 incher after he has had his hands all over clevercat’s garbage.

Rate this comment: +12

Feb 17, 2010
3:35 pm

#60 willandwont :

Well, shit, I missed his Energetic Protection Workshop – it was only $100! http://eventful.com/events/energetic-protection-workshop-tom-arcuti-yachaq-/E0-001-018840311-3

Rate this comment: +4

Feb 17, 2010
3:39 pm

#61 willandwont :

And holy shit again! This guy has had 695 sales. All kidding aside, it makes me wonder what the hell I am doing wrong in my Etsy shop!

Rate this comment: +9

Feb 17, 2010
3:42 pm

#62 geektastic :

Mmmm, looks like he’s trying to kill something with fire. Like the sofa.

Recovering Crack Baby, i think I know what you’re allergic to:
http://i761.photobucket.com/albums/xx256/geektastic_whimsy/Regretsy%20NSFW/wf_allergy_hh_neck.png

Rate this comment: +11

Feb 17, 2010
3:43 pm

#63 geektastic :

Bet those sales are of rocks. Some of them are quite pretty, as just specimens. Don’t know about the prices, haven’t priced minerals lately.

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 17, 2010
3:47 pm

#64 Vile & Evil Debbie Downer :

It’s called a ‘distance cleansing’ because no one wants to get anywhere near a guy who spits fireballs.

Rate this comment: +9

Feb 17, 2010
3:48 pm

#65 Recovering Crack Baby :

#63- may I be so bold as to ask why you have not priced minerals lately and what have you been pricing in place of that?

Rate this comment: +11

Feb 17, 2010
3:48 pm

#66 Cori Scores :

Too commercial?? Please! Etsy should see this guy as a liability. We all know how this ends! If you hire him, Craig T. Nelson shows up, throws up a half worm/half Julian Beck monster, and your house implodes into oblivion. Namaste to THAT bitches!
Jai guru deva om.

Rate this comment: +11

Feb 17, 2010
3:51 pm

#67 leftfoot :

OMG OMG Someone has bought it before. I wonder if they are looking to adopt some adult children since they have that type of money to spend on BS.

12/16/2009 Feedback
“mari4contrari says:

I chose this ceremony in December so as to start the new year with a feeling of balance and peace, and I was not disappointed. Thank you, Tom Arcuti, for fascinating journey and candle ceremony long distance.”

Rate this comment: +2

Feb 17, 2010
3:52 pm

#68 geektastic :

Why, whimsicle fuckery, of course!

Rate this comment: +4

Feb 17, 2010
3:53 pm

#69 hat-rack :

Add the orange peel earrings. Win!!

Rate this comment: +4

Feb 17, 2010
3:54 pm

#70 Recovering Crack Baby :

LEFTFOOT-I will adopt you………….after you tell me what kinda baggage comes with.

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 17, 2010
3:57 pm

#71 Recovering Crack Baby :

#67 geektastic : Do you have a shop we can snoop around in. If you are close to IA come on over and pick up all the minerals you would like. I will swap some fuckery for it and don’t forget a napsack.

Rate this comment: +3

Feb 17, 2010
3:59 pm

#72 geektastic :

Not yet, someday. I do live in Illinois, wonder how long it would take to drive? And I do need regular old rocks for my garden, and can’t find a good place to harvest from around here.

Rate this comment: +4

Feb 17, 2010
4:00 pm

#73 FootofCanal :

You are not supposed to use your abilities for personal gain. DUH thats like CHARMED 101.

On a serious note, I know a few wiccan/pagans and native americans and they would not be pleased.

Rate this comment: +20

Feb 17, 2010
4:07 pm

#74 Recovering Crack Baby :

Geektastic are you really SKULLY- where is Skully today? You can score a garden full of rocks from the farmer’s fields where you are if you ask. Most pile them up in a ditch so they don’t wreck there equipment. They have an attachment to put on a tractor to pick all of the rocks in there field. Prior to that being invented they spit out 10-15 kids so they would have the kids to do it.

Rate this comment: +9

Feb 17, 2010
4:11 pm

#75 SuperSnark :

If I squint at the monitor, the photo looks like Tommy Chong with a bong exploding!

I am all up for a namaste bitches t! I’d even wear it to yoga

Rate this comment: +12

Feb 17, 2010
4:13 pm

#76 FootofCanal :

Here you go Super snark!
http://www.zazzle.com/namaste_bitches_tshirt-235571864552084723
Thanks be to HK

Rate this comment: +8

Feb 17, 2010
4:14 pm

#77 snarkeygirl :

Oooh, ooh! This one just came to me…. Sham an you for selling this “service”! Sham an you! I slay me… *yawn*

Rate this comment: +8

Feb 17, 2010
4:20 pm

#78 SuperSnark :

OOOH! Thank you almighty HK and FootofCanal, my lucky day the unemplyoment check came

Rate this comment: +3

Feb 17, 2010
4:22 pm

#79 geektastic :

#73 RCB-no, no, I wondered where Skully was too. In my extensive lurkage, I have gotten used to certain people being around ^_^

Good idea on the rocks, we’re not too far from farm land (here in suburbia)

Someone asked for this
http://s761.photobucket.com/albums/xx256/geektastic_whimsy/Regretsy%20NSFW/?action=view&current=long_distance_colon_cleanse.png

Rate this comment: +10

Feb 17, 2010
4:28 pm

#80 IscreamUscream :

That email. How to add to the snark?

He could try harder with that space cleansing…because I smell the BS from here.

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 17, 2010
4:48 pm

#81 ThisJustMakesMeSad :

Does the $180 include insurance? I mean, what with those blowtorches and all…

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 17, 2010
4:54 pm

If we’re all evil, as stated in a forum somewhere, would I burst into flames if I purchased this?

Rate this comment: +7

Feb 17, 2010
4:59 pm

#83 redredred :

Ah yes…the ancient Shamanic cleansing process only come with one rule: “Kill it with fire.”*

*Non flammable pseudo-hoodoo/voodoo/holy man/shaman costume not included.

Rate this comment: +9

Feb 17, 2010
5:01 pm

#84 kittyofassisi :

You think this guy is full of crap?

http://www.nibiruancouncil.com/html/guide_comm_workshop.html

Rate this comment: +4

Feb 17, 2010
5:01 pm

#85 catwithoutacause :

#73 you are so right! he’s making bad mojo

Rate this comment: +4

Feb 17, 2010
5:05 pm

#86 crazycatlady :

@#79 geektastic. My friend is already freaked out about having his first colonoscopy on Friday. I made sure to send this along to him. Thank you for bringing a little bit of joy to my heart.

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 17, 2010
5:18 pm

#87 Mistletoe :

You think for 20 bucks he’ll do a distance cleansing of just the litterbox?

Also, add my voice to those eager for a “Namaste, Bitches!” shirt.

Rate this comment: +19

Feb 17, 2010
5:32 pm

#88 grodelated :

after the orange peel earrings, i thought this said it would result in “removal of *oranges* having an adverse effect on the environment and the people within it”. it doesn’t make any less sense than what the guy is really offering.

also, that magic wand/ glow-in-the-dark vibrator is the shit! “the release of judgment” = good euphemism for orgasm.

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 17, 2010
5:41 pm

#89 catwithoutacause :

“gyp”sum !!!! – and i apologize to all gypsies for the racist remark-i am one by the way!

Rate this comment: +7

Feb 17, 2010
5:50 pm

#90 StinkBait :

The shaman of the what and what?

Oh I will be a shaman too.

I’m a shaman of the Buymyscamica of the imperial Givemeyourmoneymanamana.

Rate this comment: +15

Feb 17, 2010
5:50 pm

#91 turnaround :

He should have stuck with his first instinct. Thanks a lot, Spirits of whatthefuckever.

Rate this comment: +8

Feb 17, 2010
6:08 pm

#92 leftfoot :

#70 Recovering Crack Baby : no baggage really. Just a mr. and 2 dogs.

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 17, 2010
6:25 pm

#93 Recovering Crack Baby :

#92-I will take you then- if we don’t like the Mr. we have thousand’s of acres out here to bury him in.

Rate this comment: +6

Feb 17, 2010
9:15 pm

#94 Snark-o-leptic Cesar :

I used to pay $180.00 then I learned to light my farts on fire for free!

Rate this comment: +12

Feb 18, 2010
7:01 am

#95 takilasunrise :

Call Ghostbusters!

Rate this comment: +1

Feb 18, 2010
7:25 am

#96 nitebyrd :

I’d also want my windows done and bathroom grout cleaned with a toothbrush for that kind of money. His corporeal presence in not far from mine, he could do the cleaning and cook up some blackened chicken while he’s here.

Rate this comment: +4

Feb 18, 2010
9:40 am

#97 mergatroid :

So, I’m pretty sure there is at least a REMOTE possibility that this guy is the leader of a small cult:

http://forum.rickross.com/read.php?12,10038,10042

Rate this comment: +3

Feb 18, 2010
9:54 am

#98 bonspiel :

I think I need this service for when Basement Guy finally moves out of my house. The smell of scalp and patchouli will only be removed by employing a procedure which is vague, yet radical.

Rate this comment: +4

Feb 18, 2010
10:10 am

#99 IscreamUscream :

@mergatroid AliPacha is this guy’s Etsy ID too.
That puts a whole new dark spin on things.

Rate this comment: +3

Feb 18, 2010
10:42 am

#100 mergatroid :

@IscreamUscream: Yes, and his name is Tom Arcuti, which is the name of the guy in the cult watch list. I have a tendency to check on the cult status of things like this before purchasing distance clearings from dudes who “look like Tommy Chong with an exploding Bong” (LMFAO).

Rate this comment: +9

Feb 18, 2010
11:48 am

#101 Thistle :

why on earth would a bong explode? unless it was filled with hydrogen.

which is badass, by the way.

oh the humanity!

Rate this comment: +7

Feb 20, 2010
7:08 am

#102 ericisaac :

it seems like the highlighted part basically says he consulted himself.

Rate this comment: +2

May 15, 2010
10:31 pm

#103 Thenutmeg2000 :

I too am baffled by this kook and his ability to sell so much. Can’t be good that mothers are looking for him on Cult Info websites either..exploding farts…indeed he is the Shaman Of WhatTheFuckEver Never Land..

Rate this comment: 0