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Heard it in a Love Song

Posted by Helen Killer

69 comments

Sometimes, when I’m “Dancing with the Stars”, I think about how you remind me of “Mr. Ed”, because baby, you are my “Top Chef”, and I thougt I’d let you know that I’m not sure what I’m talking about.

Filed in Don't Ask Me, Paper Goods, Spelling Issues 69 comments

69 Comments

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Feb 8, 2010
1:26 pm

#1 razberries :

i like helen’s better- especially the mr. ed part

Rate this comment: +13

Feb 8, 2010
1:28 pm

#2 bootsychoo :

“comes with an envelope.”
It should come with a barf bag.

Rate this comment: +37

Feb 8, 2010
1:30 pm

#3 Stretch65 :

Our love may be CSI, but its “BIG LOVE” I’m after. So quit the “Like A Virgin” story because its getting hot in here and you’re Ugly Betty brings the boys to the yard…

Rate this comment: +28

Feb 8, 2010
1:31 pm

#4 henmen :

I’m walking that stairway to heaven now. Or ribbon or whatever…
Say What?

Rate this comment: +20

Feb 8, 2010
1:35 pm

#5 Patty has been abuducted by an alien :

“Darling, your love brings ‘Law & Order’ to my life. I have to be a ‘Mythbuster’ and explain why loving you is such a ‘24′ hour ‘Dirty Job’. Having you in my ‘House’ reminds me that I’m the ‘Pit Boss’ and everything you do is like an ‘Operation Repo’ on my heart and ‘The World’s Dumbest Criminal’ couldn’t change how I feel for you.”

Wow… mine sucked.

Rate this comment: +56

Feb 8, 2010
1:36 pm

#6 razberries :

here’s mine- dedicated to my boyfriend-

“Pardon me”
You may be the Bachelor, but I’m “Crazy For You”
When I put down the toilet seat, I feel “Beautiful” like Super Nanny
Let’s “Boom Boom Pow” tonight, cuz I love our “Bad Romance”

Rate this comment: +26

Feb 8, 2010
1:45 pm

#7 a_hat :

Wow, a free envelope and a free typo, too! (Third line from the bottom.) Truly, this is more meaningful than my original idea of writing “i LOEV YUO” on a coffee-spattered post-it note!

Rate this comment: +15

Feb 8, 2010
1:52 pm

#8 razberries :

a CARD for 15 bucks?! say what?
this surely must be a typo?
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=34442984

Rate this comment: +9

Feb 8, 2010
1:54 pm

#9 jes7o :

Nothing says lovin’ like verbal diarrhea on cheap paper…..

Rate this comment: +20

Feb 8, 2010
2:01 pm

#10 IscreamUscream :

Where’s Skully? I bet his will be awesomesauce!

Rate this comment: +10

Feb 8, 2010
2:01 pm

#11 NinjaGato :

I may just be a “Bachelorette” but honey you’re my “Rock of Love.” I don’t just have “Big Love” for you because you paid for my “Nip/Tuck” I love you because you’re my “Biggest Loser.” You should “Dance your ass off” over here so we can do the “Big Bang Theory” tonight.

Rate this comment: +26

Feb 8, 2010
2:10 pm

#12 clevercat :

You guys are a riot. I wish I had a TV now!
Raz make them into a set of cards so we can buy them!

Hey and just so you all know while you were just talking about it I am now living the dream! So mock away!

Rate this comment: +6

Feb 8, 2010
2:11 pm

#13 razberries :

iscream, i was thinking the same thoughts…perhaps he’s in his recording studio right now, producing his next hit

ninjagato-

Rate this comment: +4

Feb 8, 2010
2:12 pm

#14 razberries :

yes, our friend clever cat is living the dream…
hey there, wanna put a shameless plug over here for yourself like hemp girl? LMFAO

Rate this comment: +9

Feb 8, 2010
2:18 pm

#15 Efit :

Oh, this card has some magic all right. Some “Special Awesome Sauce Quotations Magic.” Highway robbery at $4.

Rate this comment: +2

Feb 8, 2010
2:19 pm

#16 blondeweezie :

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_2&listing_id=34442327

And, now. To my mom…
Mom, you were there when I nearly crashed the car and you yelled at me.
Mom, you were there when I ripped my prom dress trying to get away from a rabid wolf.
Mom, you were there when I got divorced, and you called me “Meshuginah”. ( And you’ve never let me forget that)
Mom you always remind me of the mistakes I’ve made.
STEP OFF. I’M GETTING SICK OF IT.
Happy Mother’s Day.

Rate this comment: +24

Feb 8, 2010
2:20 pm

#17 Efit :

@ #8 raz: Yeah, I want this “crafter” writing out a greeting for me on a $15.00 POS card:

“Email your photo as a jpeg,gif, or tif document. Make sure it is at least 300dpi resolution. You can tell this by lookign at the dimensions in the properties menu. i.e. 300x 356.

If you need it sooner Rush fees are charges, and it can be available the next day.”

Rate this comment: +8

Feb 8, 2010
2:20 pm

#18 clevercat :

no way want to keep my skants covered booty right here. Thank you. Would shrivel and die without the nourishing snarkasism. But please be sure to highlight any comments in yellow that are kind or serious or charity-related because otherwise I won’t be able to tell. Also I am finding it difficult to tell who says what. It would really help if you could find a system to distinguish each poster. Also…

Rate this comment: +9

Feb 8, 2010
2:22 pm

#19 Efit :

Is this shit for real?
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=39988528

Rate this comment: +7

Feb 8, 2010
2:24 pm

#20 Efit :

Love the prescription bottle and vibrating Laz-E-Boy remote control. Great merchandising:
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_1&listing_id=39989106

And for $450, what a bargain. http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_2&listing_id=39988805

Good god, someone stop me before I kvetch all over my skants.

Rate this comment: +13

Feb 8, 2010
2:24 pm

#21 blondeweezie :

#19 Efit :
Is this shit for real?
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=39988528

Ah, SOMEONE has been dumpster diving at the Memphis Ben Franklin!

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 8, 2010
2:27 pm

#22 Feel Free To Customise and Whimsiclise My Vagina :

notice the TM in the banner

for fucks sake woman, you only can out that there if it IS actually trademarked..

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 8, 2010
2:27 pm

#23 Feel Free To Customise and Whimsiclise My Vagina :

put

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 8, 2010
2:30 pm

#24 clevercat :

#20 Efit
she had to shot it fast ’cause it had just arrived from FTD and she didn’t want her grandma to see her taking the pic… maybe?

Rate this comment: +6

Feb 8, 2010
2:30 pm

#25 Recovering Crack Baby :

Oh my “Dirty Diana”
“Time after Time” I could smell the “T-R-O-U-B-L-E”
“Who’s Your Daddy” now that you “Kiss”
Oh I know “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”
But I can’t “Tell My Achey Breaky Heart”
For my heart knows that “I would Die 4 You”
I know his “Money Changes Everything” but
“For Cryin Out Loud You Know I love You.”

Rate this comment: +14

Feb 8, 2010
2:36 pm

#26 steviesegel :

*head*
*desk*
*repeat*

Rate this comment: +12

Feb 8, 2010
2:40 pm

#27 bellum :

Oh “Baby, Baby”
Don’t make me live like a “Monk”
You’ve got my “True Blood” pumpin’
So let’s “Wang Chung” tonight
Just don’t give me “Burn Notice”
when I pee tomorrow.
Happy V.D. !

Rate this comment: +28

Feb 8, 2010
2:40 pm

#28 ThisJustMakesMeSad :

I imagine this seller must have dedicated that mish-mash of songs to their bag of weed before making sweet love to it (like Kumar, to the tune of “Crazy On You”).

*Sigh* such a romantic at heart.

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 8, 2010
2:41 pm

#29 razberries :

wait so this chick is trying to sell flowers online? i would just as well go through FTD or 1-800-Flowers…
450 for an arrangement? that better include wedding flowers, funeral flowers, taking a shit flowers, and the entire rose bowl parade

Rate this comment: +19

Feb 8, 2010
2:43 pm

#30 blondeweezie :

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_2&listing_id=25928607

Okay. I give up. What IS a “sista-girl”?

Rate this comment: +9

Feb 8, 2010
2:49 pm

#31 Recovering Crack Baby :

SKULLY- REGRETSY is looking for the Joker. Are you at the Candy Shop taking a lick of a lollipop? Perhaps you are stuck in some lady lumps?
Maybe you are just drinking the Milkshake for free?

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 8, 2010
2:50 pm

#32 Efit :

@ #30 blondeweezi – She’s a skinny cliche in a halter top. Reco’nize!

Rate this comment: +9

Feb 8, 2010
2:51 pm

#33 StinkBait :

My favorite one is.

A while ago you promised me I could put it in the other on a special occasion. It’s V-day and I figured this qualifies.

The lube is in the nightstand. See you tonight!

Hallmark put it out a few years ago but for some reason they discontinued it.

Rate this comment: +15

Feb 8, 2010
2:54 pm

#34 ThisJustMakesMeSad :

#30 blondeweezie – oh wow, you can actually see the font from the front of the card right through the back of that damn thing! Looks like she prints that shit out on regular paper rather than card stock.

Rate this comment: +6

Feb 8, 2010
3:01 pm

#35 Wilma Fingerdoo :

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=39832185

Umm, can I get my card without the bent and battered edges? I can get those with my 3 year old dragging it through the store without the markup.

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 8, 2010
3:02 pm

#36 blondeweezie :

#34 ThisJustMakesMeSad :
#30 blondeweezie – oh wow, you can actually see the font from the front of the card right through the back of that damn thing! Looks like she prints that shit out on regular paper rather than card stock.

That would not surprise me in the least.
We have the “Sista Girl” What about the cat?

Rate this comment: +3

Feb 8, 2010
3:03 pm

#37 blondeweezie :

Or the missing ear? There should be a Regretsy card for Photoshop Cat & Missing Ear.

Rate this comment: +4

Feb 8, 2010
3:04 pm

#38 madamedefarge :

I thougt I’d take the time to say… at least she can spell “lose”

Rate this comment: +2

Feb 8, 2010
3:04 pm

#39 Moons in Leo :

i lik my valintimes cards wif lotsa tiepoes.

Rate this comment: +7

Feb 8, 2010
3:07 pm

#40 madamedefarge :

@37

Oh yes, Helen should hire her to make the MISSING EAR posters, and perhaps the milk carton designs.

Rate this comment: +1

Feb 8, 2010
3:12 pm

#41 Skully :

Sorry ISUS and RCB, Skully’s “Working 9 to 5,” “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”

Rate this comment: +21

Feb 8, 2010
3:30 pm

#42 Skully :

…but “For What It’s Worth,” “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” that “Sexy Sadie”’s “Squeeze Box” “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” and “Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag” with “Great Balls Of Fire.”

Rate this comment: +32

Feb 8, 2010
3:34 pm

#43 MajorDanger :

“Saw It Late At Night On Premier Cable”

Oh! “Bravetart!” When I think of your “Brassiere To Eternity,” you know my “Clear and Present Donger” can do nothing but “Poke-a-hot-ass.” “While You Were Slurping,” the only thing that came to mind were our “Close Encounters Of The Turd Kind,” but I didn’t want to bother you, since you seemed to have your hands full with “Battlefield Girth.”

Dear one, with you, “Tit’s a Wonderful LIfe.”

Rate this comment: +3

Feb 8, 2010
3:38 pm

#44 razberries :

skully -that was worth the wait lol

Rate this comment: +10

Feb 8, 2010
3:38 pm

#45 UnaBee :

“The founder has been making webbmark greeting cards for personal occasions since she was five years old.”

Rate this comment: +8

Feb 8, 2010
4:16 pm

#46 blondeweezie :

#40 madamedefarge :
@37

Oh yes, Helen should hire her to make the MISSING EAR posters, and perhaps the milk carton designs.

Whoa. Easy on the sarcasm. I was implying a Photoshop Valentine Card contest.

Rate this comment: 0

Feb 8, 2010
4:29 pm

#47 turnaround :

It comes WITH an envelope? Now it’s worth $4!

Rate this comment: +3

Feb 8, 2010
5:03 pm

#48 Thistle :

oh regretsy, Everything I do (I Do It For You).

I Just Called To Say I Love You and that i saw a wino on the bus with no pants. as i looked in horror at his butt crack, i realized that I Can’t Smile Without You…and when he let a tremendous fart, i thought, you are The Wind Beneath My Wings.

even though this card will sell for $4, My Heart Will Go On. got to go, Tonight I Celebrate My Love, if my batteries dont run out.

Rate this comment: +7

Feb 8, 2010
5:45 pm

#49 NinjaGato :

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_2&listing_id=34442327

“the first time I stepped into the unknown…and discovered that the unknown is actually dog shit.”

Rate this comment: +8

Feb 8, 2010
5:53 pm

#50 BettyMachete :

Soon to be released on Kidz Bop XII. Or make your Valentine run for the hills.

Rate this comment: +2

Feb 8, 2010
6:09 pm

#51 batontwirler1 :

Darling, we spent our First 48 Hours at the House at the Jersey Shore. It was such a Clean House until we did that Naked Science experiment! Mercy! But we soon had to go back to the Real World – me to the Office and you to your job at Pawn Stars. Happy Valentines Day!

Rate this comment: +4

Feb 8, 2010
6:12 pm

#52 mtopia :

I just get Lost in your eyes.

Rate this comment: +1

Feb 8, 2010
6:13 pm

#53 whyohwhy :

totally for the hopelessly boring unromantic valentine

Rate this comment: +2

Feb 8, 2010
7:31 pm

#54 lemon floor wax :

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=39986434
“the text message language”
I used to weep for the future, but it is time to weep for the present.

Rate this comment: +6

Feb 8, 2010
7:50 pm

#55 joan of snark :

You tell me “All You Need Is Love”
Well, you’re “Shit Outta Luck”
‘Cause I’m an “Orgasm Addict”
And you’re “Too Drunk To Fuck”

Rate this comment: +20

Feb 8, 2010
8:04 pm

#56 dead leslie :

God has a “ribbon in the sky” for our love – is that a euphemism?

Rate this comment: +2

Feb 8, 2010
8:54 pm

#57 Feel Free To Customise and Whimsiclise My Vagina :

You only come round here because of “My Humps My Humps”

and thats the end o that song

Rate this comment: +1

Feb 9, 2010
12:16 am

#58 clitty's got claws :

Those cards make me gag. And everything in her shop seems to be a rip off. I wish I could produce shoddy work and sell it like crazy but noooo, I have to have standards!

Rate this comment: +1

Feb 9, 2010
12:23 am

#59 JustJon :

I love you cause you’re “Young, dumb and full of cum”

and YES, I swear to god that is a song. (Whale)

If you gotta go you gotta go, girl.

Rate this comment: 0

Feb 9, 2010
1:20 am

#60 hautemom :

It’s “True.” “You Take My Breath Away,” even though you have not let me see what’s “Underneath It All.” I have been waiting for “A Moment Like This” to tell you that “I Touch Myself” when I am “Here Without You.” If “I Ain’t Got You,” then I need some sort of “Release.” But anyway, I will remember our love “Forever And Always” or at least ’til I die. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Rate this comment: +5

Feb 9, 2010
2:04 am

#61 sophiehillartist :

Surely this isn’t legal… because they’d be making money from the sales of it?

Rate this comment: 0

Feb 9, 2010
3:10 am

#62 charmerci :

Oh my gosh, I better buy one right now because there are only THREE in stock!!! If I don’t buy one, then these cards will be gone forever and I’ll never be able to find one anywhere!

Rate this comment: +1

Feb 9, 2010
8:28 am

#63 twatsupcock :

#19, notice she has no feedback. There’s a reason for that, huh?

Rate this comment: 0

Feb 9, 2010
8:44 am

#64 Skully :

@#54 JOS: Awesome sauce! Sounds like “Something’s Gone Wrong Again.”

Rate this comment: +2

Feb 9, 2010
2:15 pm

#65 joan of snark :

@ Skully

“You Know You’re Right” but “I Don’t Mind”. While “I’m Waiting For The Man” I have an “Automatic Lover” to “Help” me pass the “Time”.

Rate this comment: +4

Feb 9, 2010
3:18 pm

#66 Skully :

@#65 Joan of Snark: “Good Vibrations”?

Rate this comment: +3

Feb 9, 2010
3:53 pm

#67 joan of snark :

@ #66 Skully:

It beats getting “Stiff Little Fingers”.

Rate this comment: +2

Feb 9, 2010
9:31 pm

#68 Skully :

There’s nothing wrong with “A Quick One While He’s Away” if you’ve got an “Uncontrollable Urge.”

Rate this comment: +1

Feb 9, 2010
9:35 pm

#69 Skully :

After all, when “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” I use my “Praying Hands.”

Rate this comment: +2