Java Update
Also available from Smiles ‘N Stuff:
Wet Paper Towel
Greasy French Fry Bag
Used Panty Liner
Shit streaked guest towels
Vomit stained bathroom rug
Coffee Grind and Eggshell Potpourri
Enjoy!
104 comments on Java Update
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February 3, 2010 at 5:07 pm
Stains! The final frontier.
February 3, 2010 at 5:07 pm
i’d like to order a greasy french fry bag, please
your comments are killing me, killer!
and those notecards? ugh.
February 3, 2010 at 5:09 pm
well, she DOES offer a used-up tissue…
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=39879469
February 3, 2010 at 5:09 pm
Ammonia Scented Cat Box Liner
Boogery Kleenex™
My Underwear with a Skid
February 3, 2010 at 5:09 pm
Now I have something to hang with my leafy leaf magnet. Oh, sweet serendipity!
February 3, 2010 at 5:15 pm
Okay the leaf magnet and now this? I know the economy is bad and people are looking to make money any way they can but, um, I could make either of these things for free if I wanted to. The thing is that I DON’T want to. If I’m going to take the time to hand write a card to someone I’m going to choose to write it on something that doesn’t look a used coaster. Sending something with a stain on it pretty much cancels out anything nice that you say in the card
February 3, 2010 at 5:15 pm
Enjoy!
Smiles!
I can’t smile ‘cuz I’m biting my tongue ‘cuz I can’t scream ‘cuz the neighbors will think i’m a complete nut case and take me away take me away
February 3, 2010 at 5:16 pm
smiles nothing, she’s LAUGHING AT US
February 3, 2010 at 5:16 pm
Interesting paper to use in this item in her shop:
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=39712891
February 3, 2010 at 5:16 pm
*look LIKE a used coaster
February 3, 2010 at 5:18 pm
I’d buy them just so I could use them as toilet paper to send right back to her.
February 3, 2010 at 5:19 pm
Watercolor artisan’s are going to freak!
February 3, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Maybe Starfucks will commission her to do a ‘series’
February 3, 2010 at 5:23 pm
The letter to write on these notecards:
“Dear Auntie Mabel,
I was so saddened to hear of the passing of Uncle Gene. To go in such a sudden and ironic way must have been heart-wrenching. For a man of his vibrancy and energy to fall into a vat of iced cappuccino at the bottling plant, it… well, it was just awful.
~Your loving niece,
Caffeinated Kate.
~PS: I hope you like mu custom notecards. They reminded me of Uncle Gene.”
February 3, 2010 at 5:24 pm
At last …. I understand. I’ve broken the secret Etsy code to attracting sales. I have three lovely sites, beautiful photos, exquisite items … and nary a sale.
I’ve been doing it all wrong. I shoulda been packing up my cat hair, sandwich crumbs, wire cuttings, broken beads, faulty clasps, bits of jewelry cordage. I coulda glued this stuff onto panels of graph paper, with appropriate squares cut out with an EXACTO knife. I’ve been missing the boat.
Here kitty … barf me a…
February 3, 2010 at 5:24 pm
What? No grocery receipts(stained by chicken juice) that are then hand cut by a smiley Tina. Man, I’m bummed. Maybe she takes requests?
February 3, 2010 at 5:24 pm
hairball …. ( got truncated, edited and cut off)
February 3, 2010 at 5:32 pm
I think I will send out some fine coffee stained notes written on these stolen paint chip samples tags.
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=39147529
Maybe I can score some good meds.
February 3, 2010 at 5:38 pm
#17 Wilma Fingerdoo- those are DESIGNER sample tags. And Oh So Handmade. Who wouldn’t like a thank you on pawed up sample tags from Lowes paint dept?
February 3, 2010 at 5:38 pm
How about a constipated cat shitskid striped throw rug?
February 3, 2010 at 5:39 pm
C’mon Skully, if you’re out there-
This listing has a Squeeze song written all over it…
(A stain on my note card says nothing to me.)
February 3, 2010 at 5:40 pm
Scratch and Sniff my stain.
February 3, 2010 at 5:40 pm
Jesus Christ – what won’t people try to sell on Etsy?
Maybe I should list my one-of-a-kind, handmade, it-took-me-hours-to-craft painted rug, done in the abstract impressionism style (otherwise known as, I spilled latex fucking paint all over my rug when I was doing my dining room yesterday.) Only $4000.
February 3, 2010 at 5:41 pm
OMG and I thought I wasn’t talented – I make one of these everyday on my desk.
#13 Patty – Nice work
February 3, 2010 at 5:42 pm
Betty, It’s quite clear that Tina gave herself a five finger discount on all the Ralph Lauren paint samples at Homo Depot.
Quite a skilled one, that smiley hole puncher, Tina.
February 3, 2010 at 5:44 pm
How about champagne-stained wedding invitations, or breast milk-stained birth announcements…ooh…or arsenic-stained notes to send to self-absorbed etsy sellers.
February 3, 2010 at 5:46 pm
If you are stoned or fucked up enough to buy this- good for you. Losers. Starry Dreams.. out…. WTF….
February 3, 2010 at 5:48 pm
I’ll be opening up my Etsy store next week.
Featured items will be empty soda cans, used venus razors, used makeup remover cloths and pre-loved tampons.
February 3, 2010 at 5:49 pm
Now I’m quitting my job. Smoking pot all day. Then making oragami out of Burger King bags and opening an Etsy shop.
February 3, 2010 at 5:52 pm
One of a kind prints will also be sold.
For example a whimsicle portrait of a zit on my ass. It’s part of a series I’ve titled “Does this look infected to you?” not to be confused with my series “Do you think I can lance this myself or should I go to the doctor?”
I expect big sales
February 3, 2010 at 5:52 pm
#27 NinjaGato…preloved tampons. You f’ing crack me up!
February 3, 2010 at 5:52 pm
BettyMachete- do you need a business partner?
February 3, 2010 at 5:53 pm
Breaking in for a quick moment——-
#22 SarcasmQueen–If it’s an area rug, try taking it to the dry cleaner–the solvents break down latex. (Provided you don’t have a latex backing on your rug, of course.)
OK, back to the snark.
—————————–
February 3, 2010 at 5:54 pm
Naw, origami just ain’t it man, I’ve tried… Perhaps the burger king bags would give it the extra oomph my origami jewellery was missing!
February 3, 2010 at 6:02 pm
Man, if I had knows that replicating the effect was this easy, I would never have made the screenprint of a coffee cup ring for my line of ironic hipster cards.
February 3, 2010 at 6:02 pm
#27 NinjaGato : “Pre-loved tampons” is my new favorite phrase.
I have a large tag-shaped die-cutter left over from my scrapbooking days, and I can’t believe that I never thought to use it on paint chips and then try to sell them. I truly lack ambition. I’m going to punch random garbage around my house in preparation for opening my Etsy store.
February 3, 2010 at 6:03 pm
My mouth is still hanging open in astonishment since my first sight of these lovely and so very original pieces of crap. Apparently, this treasure trove of remarkable art featured on Etsy will never be exhausted. Regretsy will always have its source, thank god.
February 3, 2010 at 6:09 pm
Anyone who would willingly sell shit like this to another human being must be a bigger misanthrope than I am – and that’s saying something. Coffee stain me impressed!
February 3, 2010 at 6:11 pm
Betty,
I’ll go into business with you.
You bring the BK bags for origami fuckery and I’ll use the funnies from the paper. We’ll make a killing.
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_1&listing_id=37258967
February 3, 2010 at 6:12 pm
NinjaGato, you are my hero for the day. Between the “pre-loved” tampons and the portrait series, I’m in tears for laughing so hard.
February 3, 2010 at 6:17 pm
#32 – Really? Great tip, thanks!
And OT, but Mittens strikes again:
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=38610311
There is so much more bear/girl porn out there than I ever imagined/feared possible.
February 3, 2010 at 6:20 pm
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4065/4329359150_f27b550927_o.jpg
February 3, 2010 at 6:21 pm
When you care enough to send the very worst.
February 3, 2010 at 6:21 pm
Dogbert’s company will be suing her. That’s the “Brown Ring of Quality” logo.
You know, if she were selling photographic prints of some of this stuff (like the bingo card and crumpled paper), I could actually accept that as something vaugely worthwhile to purchase.
I’ve had yard sales of moldy crap that that was left in the basement of houses I’ve moved into that are better than this.
February 3, 2010 at 6:22 pm
Enlists NinjaGato and Wilma as business partners. Can’t pay you until the paypal clears. Til then, its Whoppers for your efforts.
February 3, 2010 at 6:28 pm
What fuckery is this?
WHAT??!!!
I love papercraft shit, but I don’t understand this. It makes me want to KIL! KILL! KILL!
February 3, 2010 at 6:41 pm
I might possibly know this shop owner. I get notes and memos from my assbag boss that have coffee stains EXACTLY like those. Small world.
February 3, 2010 at 6:44 pm
#27+#29 NinjaGato
I have never laughed so hard at Regretsy comments as I did at yours tonight! Pre-loved tampons and ass zits print series-that just cracks me up.
February 3, 2010 at 6:46 pm
please stop giving bad names to stoners..even we won’t buy this shit
February 3, 2010 at 6:51 pm
Aww shit. To think I’ve bunch of these end up in the recycling bin under my desk year after year… if only I had known I could have made a fortune by now.
February 3, 2010 at 6:56 pm
I think I’ll be selling my cats’ shit to finance my education from now on. Maybe someone will get lucky and be able to purchase something they’ve puked on.
February 3, 2010 at 6:57 pm
you’re all very welcome for my contributions.
I’m awaiting my Nobel Prize
February 3, 2010 at 6:58 pm
The Nobel Prize in Whimsicle Fuckery is long overdue.
February 3, 2010 at 7:14 pm
Here’s something I like by this seller:
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=39516649
February 3, 2010 at 7:20 pm
Eggshell Potpourri- want.
February 3, 2010 at 7:23 pm
My Sister just had her baby and we need to send out thank yous. Nothing says thanks from baby like a pre-dripped on breast pad. Gotta go call her.
February 3, 2010 at 7:24 pm
These are the perfect gift tags to go with the leaf magnet I just bought for a friend. What luck!
February 3, 2010 at 7:25 pm
Oh and Smiles,
Recovering Crack Baby
February 3, 2010 at 7:35 pm
What a waste of perfectly good coffee.
February 3, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Some poor dude in Guatemala had to pick those coffee beans for pennies a day just to feed his kids, and your pretentious self goes and slops it from your coffee mug *on purpose* AND insult painters everywhere by calling this art. No respect.
February 3, 2010 at 7:48 pm
Sorry – the tags in my last post didn’t show. LOL I did mean it as sarcasm. Sort of.
February 3, 2010 at 7:49 pm
“Dear Mom:
Well here I Am in whimsicle etsy land. I’m weAring the new pAir of skAnts you bought for my trip over, and Am enjoying the sites: crocheted vAginAs, clay poop, SS regAliA. Well, off to do some nAked iceskAting. will be thinking of u. love and kisses. sAy whAt?!”
February 3, 2010 at 7:49 pm
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February 3, 2010 at 7:50 pm
oh for fucks sake this one takes the cake
or the serviette at least
February 3, 2010 at 7:56 pm
i want to smack this person up the head. How is this allowed on etsy???
JURY ETSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
February 3, 2010 at 7:59 pm
Why would I buy coffee stained notecards when I already have some on my desk?
:::time for another cuppa:::
February 3, 2010 at 8:00 pm
February 3, 2010 at 8:00 pm
http://i762.photobucket.com/albums/xx264/iunifera/bearstain.jpg
oops.
February 3, 2010 at 8:21 pm
I must be “hipper” than originally thought…..I already have a set of these. Got the idea from Squeeze circa 1982.
February 3, 2010 at 8:33 pm
You know, I get annoyed when Helen posts stuff that is weird but well done, or even if it isn’t my taste it’s evident that some thought and talent went into it. I know it’s WTF, but there is usually an audience for it. I want regretsy to be all about the leaf magnets and coffee stained stationery. The real WTF stuff. And then I get mad when I see it
I mean, we joke about selling our cat’s hairballs or nail clippings or pictorial series of ass zits (Ninjagato, that had me laughing til…
February 3, 2010 at 8:39 pm
It wouldn’t be so bad except for the price. I could see this as being sort of like a classy watermark effect (sort of…) but not at $1.33 a card. Maybe if it was a set of twenty-five or so?
…And if it didn’t look like it had been created by accident.
February 3, 2010 at 8:39 pm
I peed my pants), but when I remember people are seriously selling this stuff alongside real artists and other talented people who spend long hours, and a lot of money on education and supplies and studios……it just pisses me off.
Imagine the casual buyer who stumbles upon this stuff? what must go through their mind? Certainly that Etsy isn’t a serious place to buy anything.
Etsy doesn’t need to be juried, people need to have a little shame and self respect.
February 3, 2010 at 8:56 pm
Being a coffee fiend, I create a whole manner of these Note Cards every morning before I even start my day. Have I hit the jackpot here?
February 3, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Why would they take a cut from their earnings to hire people to pull items like this and then loose a listing fee on top of that?
Many people lack self awareness and if my life was bought and paid for by listing fees and seller fees I would not give two fucks as to what people pay to list.
February 3, 2010 at 9:01 pm
Night Cowl: Do you still have those pee stained panties? I’ll give you $7.50.
February 3, 2010 at 9:24 pm
#72 yeah but the lowest common denominator doesnt have shame or self respect.
So thats why etsy needs to be juried. Ofcourse no one would daaaare mention this on the forums.
I met some guy who had seen etsy and he had this idea that he was just (in his words) “make any old shit” and see if it sells. Because that is the image etsy has Because of coffee stained urban loft dwelling shit like this
/rant
February 3, 2010 at 9:30 pm
Dang I have a whole pile of paper sitting here now with the same designs
Guess I have been using designer paper and didnt have a clue
February 3, 2010 at 9:43 pm
Point of interest: Coffee is not archival. These will rot in a couple years if it is in fact real coffee. Just an added bonus for anyone stupid enough to buy them.
February 3, 2010 at 9:50 pm
I love that one of the selling points for this pointless item is that she HAND CUT the cardstock herself. Asking $8.00 just isn’t enough.
February 3, 2010 at 10:15 pm
377 hand cut ! (with an exclamation point dont forget)
February 3, 2010 at 10:15 pm
#77 that was meant to be
February 3, 2010 at 10:38 pm
I wonder is she could sprinkle some sugar and perhaps some cream on them to give it that real look.
February 3, 2010 at 10:47 pm
God Bless a market with artistry such as Etsy. I’m simply not clever with creating beautiful things, but Etsy allows me the chance to purchase and display treasures to show that I, too, appreciate culture. Oh, wait, culture would be on the yogurt-spilt napkin, wouldn’t it?
February 4, 2010 at 12:29 am
That is the sort of thing I see on my desk when I carelessly put down my coffee cup which I didn’t realize would leave a ring and then think to myself, “Damn!” as I lean over to throw in the waste basket an otherwise perfectly good notecard ready for decorating except for that stupid coffee ring which makes it ruined, ugly and useless.
February 4, 2010 at 3:31 am
As far as the etsy jury issue-
Sure, it might be ok in the short term to just take whatever money from whomever and let them post garbage- literally, garbage- but in the long run their reputation will suffer. An etsy jury would be an investment and bring more buyers in the long run.
However they can’t even pull their heads out of their asses to vet the stores they put on their “front page” so the jury is never gonna happen.
Sorry to get all Capn Depresso.
February 4, 2010 at 6:15 am
And to think that the people at Anthropologie travel the world to find unique, handmade items for their stores when the real art is right here on the Internet.
February 4, 2010 at 6:49 am
Chrisnyc1213: If this shit shows up in next year’s home line, I am going to find you and kick your ass for giving them the idea. Then I’ll apologize and buy you a beer, okay?
February 4, 2010 at 7:11 am
True Story (and I’m not jokin’)-
My flu-sick son blew two enormous snot rockets this morning on the way to work. I had to pull over both times and use 4 Wendy’s napkins on his nose and face. Now I know what to do with them:
1) drill holes in top of snotty napkin wads
2) add jump rings
3) string on sterling silver chain
4) photograph and list on Etsy
5) good times
February 4, 2010 at 7:13 am
Yes! Jury! Yes! Yes! I will step forward and volunteer to be the first in the firing squad. (Are you listening Etsy? JURY!!)
February 4, 2010 at 7:40 am
Wow this person has over 200 sales. And WOW at the shit people are buying from her.
I may have to start up another shop and pawn off shit that people never bought at the yard sale we had last year.
February 4, 2010 at 7:56 am
I’m so glad to know that I can now stop spending so much time, effort, and stress over what I’ve been doing! Instead of the studio full of equipment, supplies, and tools, I can give it all up for a stack of paper, a bone folder, and my husbands left over coffee from breakfast.
Such a relief.
February 4, 2010 at 7:58 am
Etsy have a jury? Please, then they’d actually have to do something.
February 4, 2010 at 8:25 am
My kid had an accident last night, anyone wanna buy a set of white sheets (twin size) with a yellow polka dot?
February 4, 2010 at 8:30 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
February 4, 2010 at 9:08 am
Etsy jury would be awesome! Tina, your stained notecards have been weighed, they have been measured, and they have been found wanting.
February 4, 2010 at 10:22 am
srsly. I think I have a world of gold in my cats’ litterboxes. Cat shit magnets. Cat shit mobiles. Hell, I can call some of them Mr. Hanky! Maybe I can take some cat shit and put dryer lint on it for hair. Cat shit with dryer lint mustaches. Oooo…hipster ironic. 0_o
February 4, 2010 at 10:24 am
Coffee? – Bah.
I’ll raise the ante and use wine stains!
Maybe even cham-pag-n!
February 4, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Actually, there’s a very clever card company, http://www.coffeestaincards.com that uses the coffee stains a backdrop to their exetremely witty if occasionally slightly worrisome one-liners. Coffee stains with humor=awesome. Coffee stains with nothing else=fucking lame.
February 4, 2010 at 6:45 pm
“There’s a stain on my note card
where your coffee cup was
And there’s ash in the pages now I’ve got myself lost
I was writing to tell you that my feelings tonight
Are a stain on my note cards that rings your goodbye”
February 5, 2010 at 3:22 am
#99 JustJon – brilliant!
#98 gamera_obscura thanks for the link. The cards a fabulous.
February 5, 2010 at 1:15 pm
Feb 3, 2010
9:01 pm
#75 Frankenkitty :
Night Cowl: Do you still have those pee stained panties? I’ll give you $7.50.
_______________________________________
As a matter of fact, I do. And I’ll also include the pair with the skidmark stains from the time I was so engrossed in Regretsy that I didn’t make it to the loo in time.
A bargain at twice the price!
February 7, 2010 at 4:56 pm
THIS is coffee art:
http://www.costaricacoffeeart.com/
http://coffee-art.com/
THAT is NOT.
February 21, 2010 at 10:36 am
I think this woman has talent! She has some really great cards and tags in her shop. I wish she wouldn’t have pulled the coffee mug stain notecard set so soon! She should have stuck it out with the snark attack. She had over 2000 hits. She probably would have had over 6000 or more if she left it. I wish her good luck anyways!
March 1, 2011 at 5:39 am
i like these ones better..
http://www.etsy.com/listing/69101143/fuck-off-notecards?ref=sr_gallery_24&ga_search_query=notecards&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade