Top 10 Most Regrettable Santas
10. SANTA ON A STICK
It takes a special kind of person to look at a shard of rotted wood and see Santa Claus. And that person is drunk.
9. FELT UP
What this lacks in technical proficiency, it more than makes up for in lack of imagination.
8. SMITTEN
Finally, a use for all those gloves you find on the street , besides making Cthulhu dolls.
7. PHILADELPHIA FREEDOM
The perfect accessory for those times when you want to look like you dropped a cream cheese appetizer on your jacket.
6. CLAMMY CLAUS
Craft Tip: Try al dente linguine noodles for a fresh twist on Tinsel!
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR HOMES WITH CATS
5.THINSPO SANTA
Let Manorexic Santa keep you away from the holiday treats this year! You don’t deserve to eat anyway, you’re disgusting.
4. EXHUMATION CLAUS
Relive family tragedies with a Santa that looks like it was buried with that cousin no one talks about.
3. THE SOD COUPLE
The good news: you get two of them. The bad news: now you have to decide which one to break first.
2. SANTASAURUS
Convo me for the eight tiny pterodactyls
AND THE NUMBER ONE REGRETTABLE SANTA IS . . .
1. KRIS KRAPPLE
Because anything looks like Santa if you put a hat on it
December 24, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Thanks for nothing, Helen. I no longer believe.
December 24, 2009 at 5:47 pm
These people should be ashamed. Of trying to sell the crafts their kids made in preschool for them.
December 24, 2009 at 5:50 pm
First, in what world is $11+ for a crappily painted clam shell reasonably priced?
Second, It tickles me to no end that the pine cone is 10% off. I can save a whole 70cents on something I can find in my backyard?! SOLD
December 24, 2009 at 5:56 pm
I LOVE St. Jingles! I’m a big fan of “rustic.” Plus, she uses “any natural materials I find around the stables.” Upcycling!
December 24, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Each one comedy gold. Thank you!
December 24, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Philidephia Freedom is the most awesome OMG side splitting
December 24, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Is it my imagination, or is #9 Felt Up Santa crapping an apple?
December 24, 2009 at 6:04 pm
I surely do love all of you people.
December 24, 2009 at 6:14 pm
I didn’t know that Bella and Edward were related to Santa and Mrs. Claus!
December 24, 2009 at 6:24 pm
#8 should be considered a Squidbilly Santa. See adultswim.com
December 24, 2009 at 6:29 pm
“He will look very happy on your tree!”
Why do they always say that about their poor, miserable-looking piece of crap?
Bah, humbug.
December 24, 2009 at 6:36 pm
If #8 were filled with catnip, one of my cats would go bonkers for it. One of his all time favorite toys is an old glove we stuffed with tissue paper and catnip.
December 24, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Every time a “crafter” (and we’re required by law to use quote marks) makes something like this, an elf commits suicide by hanging themselves with tinseled garland.
**I just had a vision of an “artisan” finding a tinsel-garland hanged elf and selling it as an ornament!**
December 24, 2009 at 6:38 pm
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December 24, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Is Scrooge here? Why would someone thumbs-down Helen for saying I love you? That person is getting a poop shaped coal in their stocking.
Personally, I’m having the best Christmas ever. Today I met Mittens!!! I nearly peed myself with excitement and pushed my kids out of the way to get a picture!! Thank you Clammy Claus!!
http://i925.photobucket.com/albums/ad96/sudabaki/meandmittens.jpg
December 24, 2009 at 6:58 pm
my god.
10. looks like a stake that was pulled out of a vampire’s heart. always wondered what buffy did when she retired.
9. fun to give as prizes! yeah, to the losers.
8. looks like a squid.
7. santa phlegm.
6. well, at least it has glitter.
5. why is santa giving us the finger?
4. even zombies need christmas.
3. a dolphins fan. that explains everything.
2. tyrannasantus blech.
1. ships from…bulgaria? really? ha ha!
December 24, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Skinny Santa – a salute to starving children the world over? Harbinger of an apocalyptic Christmas yet to come? Where is Climate Change Santa, stripped down to his holly-jolly undies and shaved like a poodle in a desperate bid to stay cool?
Thinking of buying Skinny Santa to help induce holiday-inspired purging. I want a tall, thin, big-shouldered, Bea Arthur body just like his.
December 24, 2009 at 7:13 pm
I have never been so thankful for converting from Catholicism to paganism as I am right now.
December 24, 2009 at 7:28 pm
‘Flare’ seems to be the new ‘whimsicle’.
“Buy this ridiculous wad of what-what, because it’s got FLARE!”
I might like them if they burst into brilliant flame.
December 24, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Well if it comes with a FLARE maybe that’s to help light it on fire.
December 24, 2009 at 7:59 pm
i see the boo birds are out in full force.
December 24, 2009 at 8:08 pm
#15 Sudabaki – awesome photo!
I imagine the same thought goes through these sellers’ minds as do the ones who make Twilight crap: “Throw on some glitter (a red hat) and call it Edward (Santa) and you won’t be able to keep ‘em in stock.”
December 24, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Item #1′s story
“I am a Pine Cone with a red hat.
Last summer I was in the forest, but I was abducted and force to wear this stupid hat.
Is there no dignity for a simple pine cone? I’m hoping for a new life…outside Bulgaria.
Please, please, please…rescue my dignity!”
December 24, 2009 at 8:57 pm
oh, how i missed you all so very much today…
that pinecone was ridiculous! does anybody else think that the “smitten” one looks like the lovechild of a Scrubbing Bubble guy and Hamburger Helper?
and that Santa that has a pocket in his ass is just plain disturbing…
#15-sudabaki- AWESOME photo…where was that taken?
December 24, 2009 at 9:05 pm
razberries: It was taken at the La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles. It was the most whimsicle fucktastic moment when I saw it. I think my family thought I was nuts. I’m still giddy from the experience.
December 24, 2009 at 9:18 pm
well that pic made my evening, sudabaki- definitely whimsicle, fucktastic, craptacular, etc.!
have a good night, all
can’t wait for tomorrow’s extravaganza!!! i am almost more excited to log into this site tomorrow than even opening up my xmas presents- well, almost- i do like getting presents even as an adult…
(i lead such a sad life)
December 24, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Sudabaki, when I saw your shot…I was like whoaa, Déjà vu! I’m relieved the bear kept its paws to itself.
December 24, 2009 at 10:02 pm
That last one made laugh out loud. I’m such a dork.
December 24, 2009 at 10:05 pm
All of them are hilarious! But I nearly shot egg nog out of my nose over the price for this http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=30827961
$125.00??? WHAT THE HOLIDAY FUCKERY?? I must be drunk and seeing things… I need more booze for this to make sense.
December 24, 2009 at 11:16 pm
@ Helen Killer: To paraphrase Rumi from Bulgaria, “you have let’s my wishes come true!” Thanks for all the Holiday Fuckery. (How was the IHOP lounge?)
@#28 Why Oh Why: I was also laughing so hard at Pine Cone Claus that I had to cover my mouth to keep from waking up my family.
@ Lennymud: Because of one of your earlier posts, I accidentally sang “Bark, the herald angels sing” at tonight’s candlelight church service. Thanks a lot.
Good Night & Merry Christmas, fellow Regretsies.
December 25, 2009 at 11:22 am
Photobucket pissed on my whimsicle fuckery. Me and mittens, take 2!
http://i925.photobucket.com/albums/ad96/sudabaki/meandmittens_virtuous.jpg
December 25, 2009 at 4:46 pm
@#31 Sudabaki: Cool photo, did you guys also go to LACMA?
December 25, 2009 at 6:09 pm
The 7th one, philadelphia santa and the second one, the dinosaur santa have both been removed by the sellers. I’d say my Christmas was ruined, but it might have been saved. I don’t know which.
December 25, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Skully, we did not but I am planning to go next week. I haven’t been in about 15 years and I need me some LACMA after all these whimsicle regretsy paintings.
December 25, 2009 at 10:11 pm
#31- I love love love your homage to the “Mittens” painting. You rock!
December 25, 2009 at 10:12 pm
And the real reason that I came back here: I was shocked and dismayed to find that none of the Christmas “art” was sold!
December 26, 2009 at 1:34 am
The seller of the “Santa on a Stick” noted in her description that it was potentially a choking hazard for small children, but I think it goes for adults as well.
**Be careful eating or drinking while viewing.
December 26, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Sudabaki, did they really censor you? That says something about that “mittens” painting, which just begs to have #8 photoshopped in.
December 26, 2009 at 1:31 pm
For some reason your Santasaurus link is pointing to a page for a vintage Butterick Dress pattern.
December 26, 2009 at 1:52 pm
#38 IscreamUscream: They sure did. It was up for awhile but then the censors must have found it. I agree about photoshop and in the end it made it better.
December 26, 2009 at 2:52 pm
If you love Cthulu Santa, you’ll love Lil’ Cthulu: http://laughingsquid.com/the-adventures-of-lil-cthulhu/
It’s for the kids!
December 26, 2009 at 2:52 pm
If you like Cthulu Santa, you’ll love Lil’ Cthulu: http://laughingsquid.com/the-adventures-of-lil-cthulhu/
It’s for the kids!
December 26, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Etsy just told me that cream cheese santa does not exist. If that’s true then who put the salmon-flavored bagel spread in my stocking?
December 27, 2009 at 9:27 am
So, I distracted santa with the hilarity of #1, Hit him over the head with #3, smothered him with #7, buried him using #5, and this time next year, he’ll look just like #4.
December 28, 2009 at 8:24 am
@#34 Sudabaki: That’s a great idea, a ritual cleansing/detox sounds quite refreshing after snarking on Etsy crap for a couple months. I might have to call in sick this week and hit LACMA/Canter’s or MOCA/Phillipe’s.
BTW, good job tracking down Mittens the bear, does the La Brea Tar Pits gift shop sell red mittens? That would be pretty whimsicle!
December 28, 2009 at 6:23 pm
There is a thriving market for haunted dolls on eBay (no joke). St. Jingles, aka “Exhumation Claus,” listed as a haunted doll on eBay, would easily fetch 5x its Etsy value.