Yule Tide
And then, in a twinkling, I heard from on high
The flapping and slapping of of fish from the sky.
As I drew in my head, and was turning about,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a trout.
He was dressed all in scales, from his head to his foot,
And his turtle was covered with ashes and soot.
A bundle of scrod he had flung on his back,
And he looked like Seu George, only not quite as black.
His eyes were drawn on with a ball point in blue,
And his beard was a cotton ball covered in glue.
He stood on a glittering Christmas tree shell
And the whole fucking thing was confusing as hell.
But then I woke up in a shivering sweat
With my hair and my clothes and my sheets soaking wet
And I thought to myself as I cradled my head,
I should never eat clams before going to bed.
December 23, 2009 at 11:34 am
omfg, one of your best poems ever- this is right up there with the lil kim one…
December 23, 2009 at 11:35 am
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December 23, 2009 at 11:37 am
what is with people and the egg obsession, lately?
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=32377631
December 23, 2009 at 11:37 am
wait… how is this a merman? it looks more like an amputee fisherman selling cod at the warf.
December 23, 2009 at 11:39 am
I am not sure where the merman thing comes into play, but it really looks like Santa is giving you something naughty for Christmas… And it ain’t no fish!
December 23, 2009 at 11:41 am
What the hell is he doing to that turtle?!!
December 23, 2009 at 11:41 am
Holy Shit! That is the best poem I’ve ever read! I’ve now got a chunk of rice cracker permanently lodged in my sinuses, thank you very much. I should know better by now not to eat or drink while clicking that Regretsy bookmark ;p
December 23, 2009 at 11:41 am
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December 23, 2009 at 11:42 am
Ppfffft! That is SO NOT Santa! Those spindly arms are too weak to hoist a bag full of fuckery!
I can’t comment on the fat belly, jiggling like a bowl full of jelly because swimming is great exercise and would keep him trim…
(fantastic take on the Night Before Christmas, I proper lol’d at that)
December 23, 2009 at 11:43 am
How can I add anything to that whimsicle prose? LMAO.
December 23, 2009 at 11:43 am
I wish I could come up with poems as clever as Helen’s. XD
December 23, 2009 at 11:51 am
where is the “merman” part? is his “tail” supposed to be made of pine trees? what the hell is “flaux fur”?
so many questions that will never be answered. *sigh*
December 23, 2009 at 11:51 am
Looks highly flamable. Which is a good thing.
December 23, 2009 at 11:59 am
Helen, you have outdone yourself with the poem. Clement Moore would be delighted.
I made something that looked almost exactly like that Santa when I was in first grade out of a Marlboro flip top box. Of course I had to smoke the whole pack first.
December 23, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Ok. Is there a comedy Hall of Fame? I keep re-reading this, and I can’t stand it. It’s just too fucking funny.
December 23, 2009 at 12:06 pm
I’m going to be printing that poem and pasting it into my book of ideals. LMFAO, best. poem. ever.
December 23, 2009 at 12:11 pm
The Santa might sell if it had the poem with it. Helen you are a genius!
December 23, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Thats a bearded Mrs. Claus if I ever saw one. And either that’s NOT a turtle, or girly-man Santa is doing something very naughty.
December 23, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I was hoping Ethel Merman was somehow involved.
December 23, 2009 at 12:29 pm
I almost feel guilty that these listings make me feel so talented and superior. It’s like watching people in a Greyhound station without having to leave the comfort of your home, and having snarky friends sitting next to you, whispering derision in your ear.
December 23, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I *was* going to buy it, but then I realized that $14.99 is really close to $15.00, and that just blows my whole merman santa budget for the year.
December 23, 2009 at 12:33 pm
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December 23, 2009 at 12:33 pm
OK, this pic sucks–but it’s free
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4059/4208874263_0804929ba5_o.jpg
December 23, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Santa looks sorta like Michael Jackson in disguise.
December 23, 2009 at 12:40 pm
How, exactly, does a shitty, plastic blue fish and purple turtle equal “bursting with sea life” and wouldn’t they be dead after being left in a sack?
December 23, 2009 at 12:44 pm
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December 23, 2009 at 12:47 pm
With SANTA and MERMAN in the title there has got to be a bearded clam joke here somewhere…
December 23, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Helen, your hilarious poem perfectly captures the absurdity of Santa Merman! I offer my humble contribution (to the tune of the Spongebob Squarepants theme):
Oh!
Who lurks in a clam shell down under the sea?
Merman! Santa!
Skinny and scaly and scary is he!
Merman! Santa!
If freaky Yule mutants are something you wish:
Merman! Santa!
He’s screwing a turtle and fisting a fish!
Merman! Santa!
Merman Santa, Merman Santa, Merman Santa,
Merman… Santa!
December 23, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Funny, not seconds before opening this Regretsy entry, I had been lead to follow a link to a picture of “Mer-Claus cords”: http://tweetphoto.com/7031497
December 23, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Wow, a seller who knows how to cover up ugly walls and hide toys and crap from the background – win! But, what is “flaux fur”?
December 23, 2009 at 1:02 pm
A merman … Santa.
A merman Santa.
Someone is actually selling –
SELLING, mind you –
a merman Santa.
I mean, jeez, just because you discover someone’s secret identity doesn’t mean you have to blare it out to the world. I’m sure Aquaman there is not happy to discover that everyone on Regretsy now knows that he’s the one delivering all those presents while riding on his giant manta ray led by flying fish disguised as reindeer.
For shame, seller.
For shame.
December 23, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Skully- I now have a cartoon in my head of santa fisting a fish. Thanks.
December 23, 2009 at 1:05 pm
yes santa fisting a santa is just so wrong, that i don’t want it to be right…hahahaha lol skully!
and iscreamuscream- nice photo!
December 23, 2009 at 1:06 pm
And I heard him exclaim as he swam out to sea,
“Merry Fishmas to all! And good night Regretsy!”
December 23, 2009 at 1:17 pm
i reply to my own post (#33)oops i meant santa fisting a fish…doh!
December 23, 2009 at 1:56 pm
he’s not fisting it, just….cleaning it.
yeah.
thats right.
move along, nothing to see here.
December 23, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Is this a Catholic Santa where you keep him up until after Lent?
December 23, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Love the poem! On a side note, I would like to provide some props to sofacitysweethearts. I was the tremedously lucky winner of the Regretsy Charity package #2. It was incredible, just opened it up. This seller is fantastic to work with. These prizes will be part of my family’s Chinese polyanna, and this ensemble will raise the bar. Know this is long- but thank you Regretsy. This made my Christmas!
December 23, 2009 at 2:15 pm
tremendously. don’t thumb me, it was a typo dammit, I’m so excited
December 23, 2009 at 2:16 pm
“flaux fur” — what happens to faux fur under the sea.
December 23, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Okay, maybe it’s the Bailey’s and coffee I’m drinking at work, or Skully’s new avatar, or BettyMachete’s words about her “package” but I feel like we’re all just one big fucked up Regretseain family and that’s awesome! So here’s my thanks *hic*
December 23, 2009 at 2:23 pm
and I couldn’t even spell Regretsian right. for shame.
December 23, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Right, because nothing says holiday cheer like reindeer and aquatics.
December 23, 2009 at 2:53 pm
33- a santa fisting a santa… shall we ask for one in Alchemy?
December 23, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I’m Old Gregg! Do you love me, Santa?
Hey, Kimmer-G, want some more Bailey’s?
December 23, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Between HelenKiller and Skully, I surely hope the second Regretsy book will be a POETRY book!!!!
BTW, HK, OMG, THX so much for the Know Question is To Dum mug!!!
December 23, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Methinks that merman is really a mermaid in drag. Look at the face and the proportions. Not to mention the pasted on moustache. Can you say Victor/Victoria or perhaps Neptune/Neptuna? I suspect someone is transitioning! (Not that there’s anything wrong with that…)
December 23, 2009 at 7:07 pm
those shots of T can do amazing things i hear
December 23, 2009 at 7:20 pm
I think that the seller is actually lazy and when it came to the legs, she just didn’t want to do it…so it became a santa “merman”.
Honestly, the only other alternative is that she started making this santa with the idea of making a santa merman. And my brain cannot accept such a reality.
December 23, 2009 at 8:09 pm
WTF?? I thought Ethel Merman at first…
December 23, 2009 at 9:43 pm
DAMN Helen you are a literary poetical genius.
December 23, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Seu Jorge reference = WIN
I bet that MerSanta can’t sing like him, but I bet he swims better. And can hold his breath longer underwater.
December 24, 2009 at 12:13 am
I have to say Helen, this is fucking amazing.
December 24, 2009 at 8:33 am
ok it looks like gravatar decided to display my avatar, almost 2 weeks later…..it also appears to either 1) automatically assign odd looking trees to people; 2) they are all in a conspiracy; or 3) they are all the same person
December 24, 2009 at 9:48 am
While the Santa looks like something a non-artistically-talented child would produce in 3rd grade art class, the poetry is sheer genius. You know, I have seen quite a variety of rewrites of this poem — but yours, Helen, is the very best *ever*. Thanks for nearly giving me a Christmas asthma attack!
December 24, 2009 at 2:12 pm
okay, I so do not see how this is a merman. I may be blind, but IMHO, if it’s going to be called a santa merman he had better have a fucking obvous whimsical red scaly tail trimmed in while ‘flaux’ fur.
December 24, 2009 at 2:14 pm
#54-they are randomly assigning shit to people wothout avatars, ‘cuz I just got the whimsical fuckery treatment myself.
December 24, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Merman, Dad! MerMAN.
December 26, 2009 at 2:32 am
While up on the waves you could hear such a clatter
So I swam with my speargun to see what was the matter
Well! I spotted Santa merman with a fish and a turtle
I aimed my spear above his crotch not to render him infertile…
The fish was speared, the turtle was spared
Santa Merman just slightly scratched, so little he cared,
After all he was a merman, with no organs to hide
He flpped back into the water his eight dolphins astride…
bellowing Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good…
December 26, 2009 at 2:35 am
tide!
December 28, 2009 at 11:44 pm
Oh man, poems are definitely your forte HK. I agree with the person who said it’s up there with the li’l Kim one. Another LOL’er!
February 1, 2010 at 10:15 pm
Bursting with sea life is right , like eel poop on LSD.