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Terror Cotta

Posted by Helen Killer

93 comments

“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward had a wooden doll head. Second, there was a part of him – and I think it might have just been his arms – that was made from pipe cleaners. And third, he was unconditionally and irrevocably a flower pot.”

Filed in Twilight 93 comments

93 Comments

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Dec 21, 2009
12:09 pm

#1 whitebelt :

Yes, but those pipe cleaners are CHENILLE

Rate this comment: +23

Dec 21, 2009
12:10 pm

#2 Tabbie :

Um no, I’m pretty sure that’s Clay Aiken and a very fair skinned Tyra Banks (see the wig glue?)

Rate this comment: +85

Dec 21, 2009
12:13 pm

#3 curlytopnola :

it’s hard to ignore the globs of glue at “edward’s” neck and “bella’s” hairline. at least, i hope that’s glue…
well done. brava. and all that jazz.

Rate this comment: +29

Dec 21, 2009
12:13 pm

#4 Jea :

Just because you call them Bella and Edward doesn’t mean it has anything to do with Twilight.

Rate this comment: +63

Dec 21, 2009
12:13 pm

#5 Rowan :

Seriously? And they try to give it authenticity by stating how its “replicated form the meadow scene”. The only thing I see here meadow-like here is some manure quality “art”.

Rate this comment: +48

Dec 21, 2009
12:14 pm

#6 turtlegirl76 :

That’s a helluva hot glue hairline, Bella!

Rate this comment: +19

Dec 21, 2009
12:15 pm

#7 Rowan :

Sorry about the misspellings; my mind was truly boggled on this one.

Rate this comment: 0

Dec 21, 2009
12:15 pm

#8 turtlegirl76 :

And wait a sec – Bella is smiling way too much for that to be a true replica. Where’s her bland expression?

Rate this comment: +67

Dec 21, 2009
12:16 pm

#9 CreepyLittleGirl :

Ah, the great race to crank out “Twilight inspired” products that won’t garner a cease and desist for copyright infringement. I think I’m going to put glitter and vampire fangs on a salt shaker and call it Edward. Think that will sell?

Rate this comment: +98

Dec 21, 2009
12:16 pm

#10 Bronc Drywall :

Of course it’s Edward; his eyes are golden! I can’t wait to see the Jacob one, where they make the abs out of little glued-on chiclets.

Rate this comment: +121

Dec 21, 2009
12:17 pm

#11 Jea :

Also? Neither one of them ever smiled.

Rate this comment: +24

Dec 21, 2009
12:17 pm

#12 whitebelt :

I’d tag this under ‘horror’ also
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=31095157

Rate this comment: +12

Dec 21, 2009
12:18 pm

#13 CreepyLittleGirl :

#8 And she’s not even morosely biting her lip, or thoughtfully biting her lip, or pensively biting her lip. Definitely not Bella.

Rate this comment: +36

Dec 21, 2009
12:18 pm

#14 itsnotschultz :

I love how she captured the color of Edward’s eyes in this piece. Absolutely stunning.

Rate this comment: +20

Dec 21, 2009
12:20 pm

#15 Kimmer-G :

Bella with no chin to quit? Damn.

Rate this comment: +40

Dec 21, 2009
12:23 pm

#16 Je :

“Each figure also come with a cardboard cutout of a meadow scene that FIRE can be set upon if desired.”

Rate this comment: +37

Dec 21, 2009
12:24 pm

#17 Patty has been abuducted by an alien :

I haven’t seen the movie nor read the book, but this is just like BEING THERE!

Rate this comment: +73

Dec 21, 2009
12:25 pm

#18 Skully :

All that hot glue reminds me of the hair gel scene in “Something About Mary.”

Rate this comment: +28

Dec 21, 2009
12:25 pm

#19 Calophi :

1. Their sweaters don’t match if the sleeves are different colors.

2. Why does Edward look like Reno from FF7?

3. Why does Bella have hideous dreads?

4. Edward is not chagrined enough.

5. Seriously? Flowerpots? At least the ones I “artistically” painted when I was 5 could still be used to, I dunno, POT FLOWERS and not just take up space!

Rate this comment: +8

Dec 21, 2009
12:27 pm

#20 Je :

@ #12 whitebelt, oh, that is good! They look like they have buckteeth.

Rate this comment: +6

Dec 21, 2009
12:28 pm

#21 Calophi :

#12 whitebelt, HAHAHA, that vampire is all like, DERP DERP!

Protip: buy a smaller paint brush…

Rate this comment: +8

Dec 21, 2009
12:28 pm

#22 oh_no :

I kind of want to buy these for my mopey teenaged niece who just loves Twilight. She would hate these, and the look of horror and disappointment on her face when she opened them would be priceless.

Merry f’ing Christmas.

Rate this comment: +115

Dec 21, 2009
12:35 pm

#23 Lexiii :

Belle has never looked better or more sexy than she does here.

Rate this comment: +28

Dec 21, 2009
12:35 pm

#24 leftfoot :

the only thing worse than that stupid movie is the crap based on it that people make.

(yeah.. people like it. I won’t think less of you… unless you’re over 35.)

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 21, 2009
12:36 pm

#25 CreepyLittleGirl :

#24
I don’t know, leftfoot, 35 seems like kind of a late cutoff point to me…

Rate this comment: +12

Dec 21, 2009
12:37 pm

#26 imgsrc :

I’m sorry, no.

Edward and Bella are SMILING?! The two most angst ridden and self torturing characters ever to have existed? Simultaneously smiling???

No. I can’t handle it.

Rate this comment: +24

Dec 21, 2009
12:37 pm

#27 Tabbie :

Bella: I know what you are.
Edward: Say it, out loud say it.
Bella: Flower pot?
Edward: Are you afraid?
Bella: Um, kinda actually.

Rate this comment: +119

Dec 21, 2009
12:39 pm

#28 CrimsonHoohah :

I’m sorry but they look more like Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger from Harry Potter.

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 21, 2009
12:41 pm

#29 IscreamUscream :

I want to see little Fisher-Price people driving stakes through these two. Twilight falls on handcrafts.

Rate this comment: +36

Dec 21, 2009
12:43 pm

#30 martini :

What a crock…

Rate this comment: +18

Dec 21, 2009
12:43 pm

#31 Moons in Leo :

Or they could be Robin Hood and Maid Marian. Or Bonnie and Clyde.

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 21, 2009
12:45 pm

#32 Tabbie :

or Drop Dead Fred and Snotface?

Rate this comment: +25

Dec 21, 2009
12:46 pm

#33 lemonicicle :

ok, EVERYTHING in this store gives me the heebs… why is this painting of birds about to give blow jobs “fit for a little girls room”?
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=16263403

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 21, 2009
12:47 pm

#34 kurtis :

They are kind of cute in an “an eight year old made them” way. I also suspect they might have been placed just to be plucked up by Regretsy, a trend in need of a verb… whimcycling?

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 21, 2009
12:47 pm

#35 Sculptor69 :

These are absolutely cracktastic! As in, you need to be on crack to even begin to see any similarities to Twilight characters. Or, you know, quality.

Rate this comment: +6

Dec 21, 2009
12:49 pm

#36 Moons in Leo :

@lemonicicle ~ because it’s fucking whimsicle.

Rate this comment: +6

Dec 21, 2009
12:54 pm

#37 leftfoot :

@creepylittlegirl – I have friends in their early 30s who are, sadly, obsessed with it. I figured I had to allot for them. You know, for friendship’s sake.

Rate this comment: -2

Dec 21, 2009
12:54 pm

#38 Calophi :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -4

Dec 21, 2009
12:55 pm

#39 Calophi :

#34 Kurtis: Did you see the rest of her shop? It’s full of flowerpot people…

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 21, 2009
12:57 pm

#40 lilprincess :

I think the one on the left closely resembles my cousin Ted.

Rate this comment: +6

Dec 21, 2009
1:01 pm

#41 Anastasia :

Seriously, what IS this shit? I thought she was a nine year old girl.

And this – well, I can tell you that my mom never put porn chickens on my wall as a kid. http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=16263403

Rate this comment: +8

Dec 21, 2009
1:02 pm

#42 Tabbie :

#38 “I am a loner, a crazy wide eyed loner on a doomed mission to Venus to battle with the 3 headed mega beast but on the way I caught cornflakes disease.”

love drop dead fred.

Rate this comment: -1

Dec 21, 2009
1:08 pm

#43 lemonicicle :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -4

Dec 21, 2009
1:09 pm

#44 lemonicicle :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -5

Dec 21, 2009
1:11 pm

#45 Recovering Crack Baby :

They are both potheads….I Knew It!!!!!

Rate this comment: +11

Dec 21, 2009
1:12 pm

#46 whitebelt :

@creepylittlegirl – my 35 year old boyfriend has the book set. yep. he’s currently in a therapy session. it doesn’t seem to be helping. those books are still on the shelf. i still hold firm to the belief that i do not have as many ‘problems’ as this pot doodling etsy seller. right?

Rate this comment: +6

Dec 21, 2009
1:13 pm

#47 Mrs.Vagoo :

I think there are too many items in her shop to be a plant. That’s a lot of (wasted) time put into these…things.

My fave? I’m having a hard time choosing between “Pride and Prejudice and Neck Goiters” (http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=33953522) and “Vampire Funeral” (http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=30856173)

Rate this comment: +10

Dec 21, 2009
1:17 pm

#48 IscreamUscream :

“…when you can suck forever,
what do you suck for?”
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2491/4204524838_9256f0bc0f_o.jpg

Rate this comment: +37

Dec 21, 2009
1:26 pm

#49 Thousandaire :

I don’t know anything about Twilight, but couldn’t she at least made him paler, and give him some fangs?

I’m guessing this was originally Mary and Joseph from a flowerpot Nativity Scene that didn’t sell in time for Christmas.

Rate this comment: +22

Dec 21, 2009
1:31 pm

#50 NinjaGato :

Why is complete shit always described as “fun”?

Rate this comment: +29

Dec 21, 2009
1:33 pm

#51 NinjaGato :

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=33953522

It’s hard to fuck up a freaking nutcracker but wah-la. pssst the cracking part is supposed to be the mouth

Rate this comment: +14

Dec 21, 2009
1:37 pm

#52 IscreamUscream :

#51 Yeah–Mr. Darcy should avoid necking Lizzy.

Rate this comment: +8

Dec 21, 2009
1:41 pm

#53 sticksandtunes :

If I have nightmares about mopey emo flowerpots, do I get to sue this seller?

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 21, 2009
1:47 pm

#54 HermesGoddess :

Hee hee. Neck goiters. Hee hee.

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 21, 2009
1:56 pm

#55 BettyMachete :

Do her kids beg her to stop smoking pot?

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 21, 2009
1:58 pm

#56 babalu :

Honestly, this sucks. Holy sweet mother of god. I have no other words.

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 21, 2009
2:02 pm

#57 MAG :

Wow…My Cub Scouts made this same craft last year…I didn’t know I was teaching them an important life skill! How to make celebrity flowerpot inpersonators.

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 21, 2009
2:08 pm

#58 starrydreams :

“Artistically replicated”??? This is a joke right?

# 48- Good one!!!!

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 21, 2009
2:18 pm

#59 TheOldGuy :

Now hold on just a minute, folks – no call to diss this cleverly matched set. Might it not be just what the average Twilight fan wants?

When you’re wrapping yourself around a work of the imagination, you have to be able to inject yourself into the objects… plenty of capability for that here, with just the highlights to guide you….

and how rich their coats would become… how like fur coats damp for a week… with just a light scumble of chia.

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 21, 2009
2:29 pm

#60 whoanellee :

what. is. wrong. with. people?

why why why would anyone want to buy this?

Rate this comment: -1

Dec 21, 2009
2:31 pm

#61 whoanellee :

I seriously think that this seller might be retarded.

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 21, 2009
2:37 pm

#62 Moons in Leo :

@lemonicicle ~ I heart you back. Oh and I think you meant the whole store gave you the heebie-jeebies. “Heebs” is a slur for Jews. Hmmm…maybe I should paint some upcycled Torahs … oh, never mind.

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 21, 2009
3:18 pm

#63 iamhydrogen14 :

Her shop is just…crazy… The “vampire fairies” line? WTF?? “A new arrival is waiting in the vampire nursery and it’s a boy! Our newest addition is perfect for the new mom or mom to be or anyone who loves our vampire fairies line.” I think this seller has managed to cram every stupid, crazy handicraft we’ve seen into a single item. Now you can have vampires, fairies, AND covet newborn babies that aren’t actually yours!! AND it looks like the work of a 6-yr-old with some play-dough!

Rate this comment: +2

Dec 21, 2009
3:30 pm

#64 razberries :

i get home from last-minute shopping hell and am welcomed by all these funny posts- thanks for cheering me up, all- hahahahha.

IcescreamUScream…LOL
i was SO thinking that they looked like fisher price little people, too and was tempted to do a photoshop, but you stole my thunder. hahahaha. well done

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 21, 2009
3:37 pm

#65 NinjaGato :

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=16262394

“This is an orignal work and the art pictured is the exact one you will receive. Signed on back by the artist (or front if requested.) This is an opportunity to own an orginal, one of a kind piece of art.”

Oh-my-fucking-god.
Headdesk headdesk headdesk

Rate this comment: +10

Dec 21, 2009
3:40 pm

#66 razberries :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -4

Dec 21, 2009
3:45 pm

#67 sbarnes2 :

Bwahahaha! Was this made by a four year old? Is this tagged Regretsy?

Rate this comment: -2

Dec 21, 2009
3:49 pm

#68 IscreamUscream :

#64–Haha, I wanted to find a Fisher-Price Buffy and ’shop that in. Crappy PS is fun.

#65–So I guess the artist found her “inner child”. Next step should be a sound spanking into adulthood.

Rate this comment: +3

Dec 21, 2009
3:50 pm

#69 flare :

It needs to be 37% more angst-y.

But i do like the glue blobs in Bella’s hairline

Rate this comment: +3

Dec 21, 2009
3:55 pm

#70 IscreamUscream :

#51–I was thinking…if the nutcracker was painted up as a vampire, that would be ironic–a neck that bites back.

Rate this comment: +3

Dec 21, 2009
4:00 pm

#71 Night Cowl :

All I can do is weep. Regretsy just proves that some people (a lot of people, apparently) should never be allowed near crafting supplies. I cannot imagine someone sitting back, taking and editing pictures of this tat and thinking that anyone would spend money on it. Everything in this shop is uninspired, ugly, poorly crafted and embarrassing.

Rate this comment: 0

Dec 21, 2009
4:06 pm

#72 istillheartbretmichaels :

Move over Mattel. You got some seriously crazy competition moving your way.

BTW, these don’t look that bad, but I’m also on my 4th glass of Chardonnay right now.

Rate this comment: +14

Dec 21, 2009
4:08 pm

#73 Lyme :

I suspicion that she is taking her kids’ arts-and-crafts projects and posting them online. Seriously.

Rate this comment: +10

Dec 21, 2009
4:10 pm

#74 Calophi :

The nutcrackers are the only things on the site that are even worth thinking about buying. Which is why they’re the only things that got bought.

She needs to stop trying to make people pay for what they can get from their children for free and stick to the nutcrackers.

Rate this comment: 0

Dec 21, 2009
4:24 pm

#75 Monstera_deliciosa :

You have to admire the way the seller has engaged so closely with the source text to artistically replicate this work.

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 21, 2009
4:43 pm

#76 NinjaGato :

72- I also still heart Bret Michaels.

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 21, 2009
5:02 pm

#77 Skully :

@#65 Ninja Gato: Well, at least it’s on sale. (Is that sound opportunity knocking, or your head hitting the desk?)

Rate this comment: +2

Dec 21, 2009
5:16 pm

#78 Thistle :

#51….where do you put the nut? in her neck? really?

ha ha!

Rate this comment: +2

Dec 21, 2009
5:38 pm

#79 HelenaHandbasket :

“Artisticly replicated”? Really? Is this misspelling supposed to say “autistically replicated”?

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 21, 2009
8:22 pm

#80 NinjaGato :

Nope still my head hitting the desk.

I wonder if when they find my dead body slumped behind my computer with regretsy on the screen, with blunt force trauma to the front of my skull, will the coroner consider it a homicide and charge some of these sellers with murder?

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 21, 2009
9:05 pm

#81 steviesegel :

Please dear God make the Twilight craze go away.
Please dear God make the Twilight craze go away.
Please dear God make the Twilight craze go away.
Please dear God make the Twilight craze go away.
(peeks thru fingers…dammit, that crap is still there)
Please dear God make the Twilight craze go away.

Rate this comment: +16

Dec 21, 2009
9:21 pm

#82 spankerella :

Damned sparklepires.

Rate this comment: +3

Dec 21, 2009
10:38 pm

#83 Skully :

@#80 Ninja Gato: Maybe we need stricter glue-gun control laws.

Rate this comment: +14

Dec 22, 2009
5:03 am

#84 BettyMachete :

“Edward & Bella are wearing their matching tan sweaters as per the book”? I’m squinting and only see fucking clay.

Rate this comment: +6

Dec 22, 2009
5:04 am

#85 whimsiclefuckery :

Artisticly?

As in Artisticly Whimsicle or Whimsicly Artisticle?

Rate this comment: +3

Dec 22, 2009
5:23 am

#86 heidrun :

speaking of twilight, did you see this?
http://microsuede.blogspot.com/2009/11/movie-review-twilight-saga-new-moon.html

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 22, 2009
8:56 am

#87 Monstrosa :

#86 heidrun :
That is amazingly wonderful. Thank you.

Rate this comment: 0

Dec 22, 2009
10:24 am

#88 Bemused :

Looks like this set was made during craft time in the psych ward. Someone had to cut the hair for her and hold the hot glue gun though. Other than that, I would say the work is the product of a brain in need of the right chemical fix and non-art therapy.

Rate this comment: 0

Dec 22, 2009
12:03 pm

#89 Lexiii :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -7

Jun 5, 2010
5:04 am

#90 Madeline :

It’s funny. Stephanie Meyer fusses when Midnight Sun gets leaked, but doesn’t go after this.

Rate this comment: -1

Jun 14, 2010
3:01 pm

#91 Dynomoose :

digraziarosa says:
So last night I was finishing up some things on etsy & noticed some of my etsy items had jumped up significantly on hits, when I say this I’m talking a couple hundred hits an item. I thought maybe it was a glitch or maybe I was featured somewhere without my knowledge.
This morning I checked web analytics and found most of my views had come from regretsy, which I have heard of but was not familiar with. I went to the site and found I was featured there & judging by comments…

Rate this comment: -1

Jun 14, 2010
3:02 pm

#92 Dynomoose :

was featured there at least once before. They said horrible things about me and my work.
Are these people with no self esteem that have to tear people down to make themselves feel better or is my stuff that bad?
Friends and family encouraged me to start my shop because they said they really liked my work, they have even asked for items as gifts. I have sold several things on ebay with high compliments and a few on etsy. I have been posting on forums and the only neg thing far as actual items…

Rate this comment: -1

Jul 2, 2010
9:03 am

#93 KharmaApple :

@86 Heidrun… If they went to see it in Chicago, I think I may have been the cackler. I did not realize I was so entertaining… God, I hope it wasn’t me.

Rate this comment: 0