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Pretty Grim

Posted by Helen Killer

44 comments

Filed in Annoying Descriptions, Decor 44 comments

44 Comments

Add Comment

Dec 19, 2009
12:12 pm

#1 Chase Ryan :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -79

Dec 19, 2009
12:17 pm

#2 razberries :

looks like it was dipped in mustard!
also thought at first glance it was a thanksgiving turkey decoration…

Rate this comment: +8

Dec 19, 2009
12:18 pm

#3 sbarnes2 :

Can we get that as a print? More people need to hear the moral of that story.

Rate this comment: +54

Dec 19, 2009
12:21 pm

#4 razberries :

70 bucks (inc. shipping) for a g-damn pinecone???
that her hubby stole from CA and flew over to NY…nice.

Rate this comment: +34

Dec 19, 2009
12:26 pm

#5 BettyMachete :

Can I use this instead of a live Christmas tree?

Rate this comment: +21

Dec 19, 2009
12:28 pm

#6 AgoutiAvenger :

If it exceeded all of her desires, why is she selling it? Hmmmm.

I’m guessing mustard yellow must be one of the school colors of the local high school teams in whose gym she sells her crafts.

If my husband made me this, I’d shove it up his arse.

Oh my pearls would look so great hanging from this!

Rate this comment: +34

Dec 19, 2009
12:31 pm

#7 txesg :

Wait a minute. He held SIX of these on his lap during a flight? Wow.

Rate this comment: +29

Dec 19, 2009
12:31 pm

#8 BettyMachete :

Decorated with popsicle sticks bearing sharpie bible quotes? Or would they blend in too much?

Rate this comment: +22

Dec 19, 2009
12:34 pm

#9 Recovering Crack Baby :

This is just way to much work. I would have to keep it out of the light and make sure it did not get to dry as my necklaces would be dropping faster then pheasants out of the sky for shoes. Then there is the whole sliver issue to factor in and good lord how would you dust it?
I am going to ask Sammie if she could hold my shit- I bet she can handle more then 12 necklaces at a time.

Rate this comment: +27

Dec 19, 2009
12:37 pm

#10 NinjaGato :

I like it. If it were $50 bucks cheaper I’d totally buy it. Sue me.

Rate this comment: +12

Dec 19, 2009
12:45 pm

#11 addiosix :

The first thing I think of when I see this is bugs hiding in the crevices.

This crap is how epidemics get started.

Rate this comment: +35

Dec 19, 2009
12:48 pm

#12 Dawgtowner :

I would like the giant squirrel that eats those giant pine cones to kick this lady’s ass.

Rate this comment: +36

Dec 19, 2009
12:52 pm

#13 txesg :

So…five and a half hours with a stack of potentially bug-infested extra large pine cones on his lap. I believe we have a candidate for Prince of Stupid.

Rate this comment: +29

Dec 19, 2009
12:55 pm

#14 tarabu :

@addiosix: This crap is how epidemics get started.

I extend my pledge not to move firewood to include all pieces of the forest.

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 19, 2009
12:56 pm

#15 BettyMachete :

Ribbed…for her pleasure

Rate this comment: +37

Dec 19, 2009
1:02 pm

#16 everydaymama1 :

I’d pay $55.00 for Helen’s awesome story, but not for a friggin’ pine cone that would be better served as kindling for the fireplace. How is forest floor fodder worth $55.00??

Rate this comment: +12

Dec 19, 2009
1:15 pm

#17 addiosix :

#14 tarabu :

haha, firewood at least would eradicate all of the stuff shacking up inside

this strikes me more as an ‘oh hai! look! a log from the forest, I think I’ll take this home and use it as a sock drawer cozy’

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 19, 2009
1:21 pm

#18 customisedfeltvagina :

needs more vaginas

Rate this comment: +25

Dec 19, 2009
1:25 pm

#19 grumdrumbly :

Leave it to a man to have the answer to “what would be the perfect jewelry stand” be a PINECONE. There must be a part of the male brain that should be able to recognize absurdity, but has been isolated from human evolution for the last ten thousand years.

Rate this comment: +41

Dec 19, 2009
1:28 pm

#20 das_hoot :

A better description story might have been that, upon her husband’s return, the DNR’s Pine Cone Squad came to raid her house. Since the pine cones were too bulky to flush, thinking quickly, she disguised them as jewelry displays. This way, you see, her shit saves the day! Hooray for shit!

Rate this comment: +16

Dec 19, 2009
1:34 pm

#21 Thistle :

addiosix, the first thing i thought of was “damn, this thing must be crawling with vermin”

just what i want in my bedroom.

on my dresser.

holding things that i wear.

that are close to my hair.

in which vermin would burrow in, eating my brain and turning me into a psychopathic zombie bent on the destruction of all humankind.

i believe i would ride a giant squirrel.

Rate this comment: +37

Dec 19, 2009
1:43 pm

#22 Minime :

Dammit! I used to like pine cones.

Rate this comment: +8

Dec 19, 2009
1:51 pm

#23 lilprincess :

Why would you hang your jewelry from a spikey turd?

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 19, 2009
2:02 pm

#24 Elegant :

Just wait….next comes the supersize pinecone dildo.

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 19, 2009
2:04 pm

#25 IscreamUscream :

So that’s a huge pine cone, bordering on squirrel porn.
Then again, squirrels don’t have to pay $55 to get theirs.

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 19, 2009
2:05 pm

#26 Patty has been abuducted by an alien :

Note to seller:

You should dust off the cra- I mean stuff you’re trying to sell before you photograph it. You see, cameras come with this amazing feature called “a flash”. That is a bright “flash” of light that picks up EVERYTHING. If you can’t see it in the poorly lit room, chances are, the flash will make it show.

If you’re too afraid of what’s inside the pinecone to cram a feather duster in there, they also make canned air. Maybe you can blow it… the dust, that is…

Rate this comment: +25

Dec 19, 2009
2:19 pm

#27 ourephemera :

Look at the choice of jewelry on the fucking pine cone.
GROCE.

Rate this comment: -2

Dec 19, 2009
3:21 pm

#28 steph :

LOL! You’re hilarious! Your little story is awesome… I keep going back to read it and I laugh through it every time!

Rate this comment: +3

Dec 19, 2009
4:03 pm

#29 HomeAlone :

alright, don’t pine cones this size come from giant Redwoods? You know, in protected natural forests, the parks where you’re not supposed to take anything out with you because there’s so little of those ecosystems left? Not so eco-friendly…

Rate this comment: +22

Dec 19, 2009
4:40 pm

#30 Toes :

#29 HomeAlone, sorry, redwood cones are really small, and even giant sequoia cones are only a little bigger, about the size of an egg. The cone is question here is probably from a sugar pine.

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 19, 2009
4:56 pm

#31 saucerville :

I am actually worried about sap gumming up my shit. You ever get a drop of that on you? Shit will stick to you forever.

concern numero dos: it’s a pinecone.

Rate this comment: +19

Dec 19, 2009
5:44 pm

#32 MyEyesMyEyes :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -4

Dec 19, 2009
6:05 pm

#33 sheltiepitbullfun :

The yellow paint is gross but I would totally buy this if it was a better color and cost five bucks.

Rate this comment: 0

Dec 19, 2009
6:13 pm

#34 whoanellee :

I think that you can get arrested for stealing pine cones from any forest in California. And I can’t believe that the airline allowed him to keep these on his lap… didn’t they make him stow it under the seat or in the overhead?

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 19, 2009
6:16 pm

#35 elephant grenade :

“Hmm..I think I’ll post the photo of me trying and failing to sell these at a craft fair to people who can actually see them in person. That’ll help!”

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 19, 2009
6:34 pm

#36 Elegant :

Just to note folks…that is not yellow paint. That’s what a sugar pine cone looks like.

http://mossunlimited.net/webshop/images/Web%200648400-R1-027-12.jpg

Rate this comment: +3

Dec 19, 2009
6:45 pm

#37 befuddled :

Helen Keller…the variety of your snarks is truly amazing. So many, many genres.

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 19, 2009
6:54 pm

#38 nightshade909 :

I have some nice ass jewelry and I keep mine in a tupperware container.

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 19, 2009
8:53 pm

#39 HelenaHandbasket :

I always get stuck on a plane next to a guy like her husband, and he invariably INSISTS upon telling me all about his wondrous ideas for giant pinecones saving the ozone, or holding a bunch of junky accessories in the sap-laden petals, or whatever.

Rate this comment: +8

Dec 19, 2009
9:10 pm

#40 It Lives :

I think he was sitting next to me on the redeye.

Either that, or she married my halfwit of an ex-fiance. He was always making “useful” crap like that.

Hey, crap to hang your shit on, I made a funny!

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 20, 2009
10:25 am

#41 sweetbirdofparadox :

Um, has anyone else noticed photo #2?! She has bedazzled the pinecone with random hideous beads!

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 21, 2009
6:36 am

#42 VoteAudrey :

Anyone got a match?

Rate this comment: +2

Dec 21, 2009
8:59 am

#43 Ziukkinna :

Passengers are not allowed to have anything on their laps during a commercial flight. I bet the $55 is to cover the additional baggage fees this idiot accrued.

Rate this comment: +2

Dec 22, 2009
1:46 pm

#44 Paul :

And let us not forget that it is illegal to remove said pinecones from federal forests. Oops, forgot that part.

Rate this comment: +1