I think absolutely horrifying is more like it. You could easily expand the red zone to include stuff above the nipples too…like the catatonic stare and helmet hair.
Now that I’ve gotten over the initial ICK factor of a raccoon penis I noticed that I missed the shrug made from a car seat cover. Judging from the looks of that guy it was an ’87 Impala that reeks of cigarettes.
This is the first item on regretsy to actually turn my stomach. I feel queasy. I think that each part alone would normally just incite a slight repulsion, but all together and I feel like the tuna fish sandwich I ate for lunch wants to make a return trip.
Hey #40 IndyJules “OK, OK…I will buy this if that boy promises to shower, shave, get a haircut and put a damn shirt on. God! Have I gotten that old!?!?!?!”
I would think the first thing you would have asked him to do was put some god damn pants on.
from the silver oosik listing
“”The zoologist Richard Dawkins speculated in 2006, that the loss of the bone in humans, when it is present in our nearest related species the chimpanzee, is probably a result of sexual selection by females looking for signs of good health in prospective mates. The reliance of the human penis solely on hydraulic means to achieve a rigid state makes it particularly vulnerable to blood pressure variation….
#46 & #50 I am so grossed out that I lost all interest in this “boy” from the waist down so it kinda slipped my mind. Yes, though, pants would be good but not the lace up leather kind.
That said, it must be difficult to manage a successful Etsy store when your model is triple booked with additional photo shoots for American Apparel and the ‘Faces of Meth’ wall calendar.
#52 NinjaGato – Excellent Dawkins reference. If more bored school kids realized that evolutionary biology was all about gonads, we’d have a lot fewer solvent huffers behind the 7-11.
#58 stonemaven – People actually use the phrase “coondong”? People from Slidell, I assume.
#69- Oh god. That racoon stuffed vagina doll just made me throw up my eggnog and toss my Christmas cookies. Sick sick sick sick. Santa better put that weirdo on the naughty list. I wonder if there’s a sick-in-the-head-list? She’s probably on it.
Thank God this website isn’t scratch-n-sniff. The guy looks like he would smell like a combo of garlic, weed and BO. I really blame the seller though. someone’s obviously reading too many creative photography threads on the forums…Why the hell else would she think stripping her boyfriend naked and throwing a cheap fur shrug from the salvation army on him would help sell a necklace?
Sorry to play killjoy, but folks have worn and eaten animal penises for thousands of years. Once upon a time, bacula were the toothpicks of choice. If you want to legitimately sneer at someone at least get some history folks!
While I’m at it, do we really think fashion models in magazines are typically any more clothed?
I will say he looks like he escaped from the caveman frat party in “Back to School.” ‘Everybody get crraaaaazzyyy…’
#85. Just because people have eaten penises and worn them for thousands of years does not make it smarter or cooler. People ate people then too. And threw babies with red hair in the forest. These actions did not make us evolutionary marvels.
Recovering Crack Baby
December 16, 2009 at 11:55 pm
When I first saw the picture, before reading the description,I thought it looked like exposed wires from an old light that once was. Boy was I wrong.
I am considering selling, wholesale of course, to Etsy Creators. I have the hook up for pheasants and their feathers and parts, Racoons.. we got those too. Turkeys, Deer, Sheep…… pig skulls…SKULLY- if you are interested I will give you first chance at the best.
He’s got a mammalian penis bone around his neck; his own penis bone is inches away from stardom; and his ridiculous hipster ‘tude is just plain OVER already.
Racoon penises (peni?) are used in the Hoodoo tradition as an amulet for sexual prowess. I know of a woman who got married wearing a necklace made of at least a dozen racoon penises. I am not making this up.
@ #104 ohdearydearyme – I know! I saw it (Mrs. Fat Girl dress from Manial), along with a creepy woodland old man doll from Budapest and thought: ETSY ADMIN HAS LOST IT.
I really glad you made the pie chart. It gave me somewhere to rest my eyes between the creepy listing and the horrifying blinking picture. It helped to limit the bleeding quite a bit.
I love this 100%. Especially the pearl necklaces joke. At first I thought she meant, these could have been worn instead of pearls had history made some strange catacylsmic shift. But no. Its a cum joke. EVEN FUCKING BETTER.
I also had to Google oosik and learned more about penis bones (and clitoral bones, which, thankfully, have not been made into necklaces) than I ever cared to know. I am wondering how that creature with the 4.5 foot oosik went extinct, though.
And never mind the greasy, unwashed appearance, the third nipple, the David Cassidy happy trail, or the deformed navel, WTH is the matter with his arms? Is that hair or some kind of withering action?
okay I just came across this while randomly browsing through the archives, and, well, is it just me that thinks this guy is hot? I’d totally do him if he took the dead animal penis off.
December 16, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Why in the world would I want a raccoon dick bone hanging from my neck!!!!
December 16, 2009 at 4:51 pm
I don’t like to think of how the penis was obtained or why it wants to scrape this girl’s belly button out.
December 16, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Oooh, sick.
December 16, 2009 at 4:54 pm
So that’s where the term “boner” comes from.
December 16, 2009 at 4:54 pm
The name of the seller is “furburger”. Need I say more?
December 16, 2009 at 4:55 pm
I think absolutely horrifying is more like it. You could easily expand the red zone to include stuff above the nipples too…like the catatonic stare and helmet hair.
December 16, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Team Edward? Team Jacob?
Neither – I’m Team Raccoon Penis Guy!
December 16, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Hipster penis enlargement?
December 16, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Now that I’ve gotten over the initial ICK factor of a raccoon penis I noticed that I missed the shrug made from a car seat cover. Judging from the looks of that guy it was an ’87 Impala that reeks of cigarettes.
December 16, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Clutch my penis racoon necklace!
I mean, cluth my pearls!
Whatever.
December 16, 2009 at 4:58 pm
#6 befuddled – You must have missed his “action pose” on the listing.
Rowr.
December 16, 2009 at 5:00 pm
(To the tune of Rocky Racoon from The White Album)
Rocky Racoon
Will get no more poon
‘Cause you stole the bone
From his phallus
To make your necklace.
You’re so damn feckless,
I hope someday you need Cialis.
December 16, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Alo. My name ees Ivan. Do you theenk I am sexy?
December 16, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Arggh – I did, bootsychoo! We need another slice of pie just for the “smile”.
December 16, 2009 at 5:04 pm
This is the first item on regretsy to actually turn my stomach. I feel queasy. I think that each part alone would normally just incite a slight repulsion, but all together and I feel like the tuna fish sandwich I ate for lunch wants to make a return trip.
December 16, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I think Helen could publish a “Men of Regretsy” calendar. I nominate Hipster Raccoon Penis Bone Boy here as Mr. February.
December 16, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Is that a third nipple down there by his bellybutton?
December 16, 2009 at 5:06 pm
OK…and now I’m picturing this guy in a seedy bar using this “necklace” as his go-to pick-up line. Blecchhh.
December 16, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Ranger Rick? Nope, Ranger Dick!
December 16, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Hmmmm… Materials: Penile bone, shoestring, not fur real gold wire… Cost: $20… Who’s the penile boner now?
December 16, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Ah, you kept so much from us, Daniel Boone, you minx.
December 16, 2009 at 5:10 pm
hey you can get one for FREE…
“$$$ BLING BLOWOUT $$$
Handmade oosik necklace included (sold in shop for $20) FREE with orders of $100 or more!”
yes, I so want to spend 100 bucks in this shop so I can win a free raccoon dick
December 16, 2009 at 5:15 pm
BTW, I think Furburger just coined a new (to me, anyway) term in their store:
“Vintage and handcrafted accoutrements of the former elderly.
I knew buying those ani-aging creams was a good idea!
December 16, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Now we know where the term “hung like a racoon” came from…
December 16, 2009 at 5:18 pm
#18…lmao, looks like caveman here couldn’t fight off an angry duck.
December 16, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Sex sells.
I don’t know what this does.
December 16, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
December 16, 2009 at 5:19 pm
…the silver one is for GIRLS
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_2&listing_id=14634997
December 16, 2009 at 5:19 pm
That’s so dist- I mean, I’m utterly shoc- What the fu-
WHY? Why is he naked for a photo of a necklace? Never mind we’re talking about a dong necklace, but why does the weird pale guy have to be naked?
That (allegedly) sheepskin thing looks like a dog toy.
December 16, 2009 at 5:21 pm
wow. great read. learned a lot. i heard oprah was gonna put this description on her reading list.
seriously if you are going to wear a raccoon penis w/faux gold (but you still look like money) wire wrapping, must you look like the great unwashed?
December 16, 2009 at 5:25 pm
The racoon probably has more boner capability than this model does.
December 16, 2009 at 5:28 pm
One more inch he’d be a king, one less inch he’d be a queen. What a way to compensate.
December 16, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Uh, they have those at the French Market for fifty cents. If anybody wants penis bone, I’ll save you $19.50 and the agony of looking at this model.
December 16, 2009 at 5:46 pm
>*the wire wrap is not not fur real gold but u still look like $$$
not not fur real gold? does that mean it is fur real?
December 16, 2009 at 5:47 pm
This is the most freaked out I’ve even been on Regretsy. Not the necklace as much as the flashing pic.
December 16, 2009 at 5:52 pm
With the fur, all I can think of is Barbarelle…
December 16, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Holy crap, as if it wasn’t scary enough! The animated version of Mr. Furburger almost sent me into cardiac arrest!!!!
December 16, 2009 at 5:53 pm
#33 Dynomoose – do u live in NOLA?
December 16, 2009 at 5:55 pm
When I first saw this, I didn’t know what “oosik” was, and thought gee, that pendant looks like an os penis… O_O
December 16, 2009 at 5:55 pm
See, I told y’all it was “rowr”.
Merci, HK & BD!
December 16, 2009 at 5:56 pm
OK, OK…I will buy this if that boy promises to shower, shave, get a haircut and put a damn shirt on. God! Have I gotten that old!?!?!?!
December 16, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Somewhere in the world, there is a pack of raccoons walking around with their paws over their crotches, wondering where the hell their boners went.
December 16, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Also from furburger’s shop: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=16944692
taxidermy cat toy, trophy-style for your cat’s viewing pleasure…
December 16, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Holy shit, Bronc Drywall, the animation is scaring the crap outta me.
December 16, 2009 at 6:12 pm
#42…yeah, I’m just glad the pic doesn’t go any lower.
December 16, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Hey #40 IndyJules “OK, OK…I will buy this if that boy promises to shower, shave, get a haircut and put a damn shirt on. God! Have I gotten that old!?!?!?!”
I would think the first thing you would have asked him to do was put some god damn pants on.
December 16, 2009 at 6:29 pm
How do you say “wrong” in raccoon?
December 16, 2009 at 6:31 pm
I think things have sunken as low as they can get now, IscreamUscream. I wouldn’t worry too much.
December 16, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
December 16, 2009 at 6:37 pm
#40 IndyJules :
OK, OK…I will buy this if that boy promises to shower, shave, get a haircut and put a damn shirt on. God! Have I gotten that old!?!?!?!
___
lol! Are you not concerned about his lack of pants?
December 16, 2009 at 6:38 pm
The raccoon penis bone necklace will go well with my squirrel blood vial necklace.
December 16, 2009 at 6:39 pm
from the silver oosik listing
“”The zoologist Richard Dawkins speculated in 2006, that the loss of the bone in humans, when it is present in our nearest related species the chimpanzee, is probably a result of sexual selection by females looking for signs of good health in prospective mates. The reliance of the human penis solely on hydraulic means to achieve a rigid state makes it particularly vulnerable to blood pressure variation….
December 16, 2009 at 6:39 pm
…Poor erectile function betrays not only physical states such as diabetes and neurological disorders but mental states such as stress and depression.”
Golly thanks Professor Know It All
December 16, 2009 at 6:45 pm
“AmIHotOrNot”…
December 16, 2009 at 6:47 pm
This is enough to turn me off men for the rest of my life.
December 16, 2009 at 6:50 pm
OMFG, Mr. Drywall- that animation is scary!
love it
December 16, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Please, for the love of god, be wearing pants.
December 16, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I can’t believe I’m going here, but a coondong is a Hoodoo/Voodoo charm for good luck and…potency. Pretty popular in those communities too.
December 16, 2009 at 6:56 pm
#46 & #50 I am so grossed out that I lost all interest in this “boy” from the waist down so it kinda slipped my mind. Yes, though, pants would be good but not the lace up leather kind.
December 16, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Even the furburger shop banner is kicking my gag reflex into high gear.
December 16, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Thanks for the animated version Bronc, you rock!
December 16, 2009 at 7:45 pm
No. No. You do not get to use Richard Dawkins quotes like that. Uh-uh. No. Bad Furburger.
December 16, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Wow Helen aka April, you are seriously on your game today!!!!
December 16, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Snazzy shoulder rug.
December 16, 2009 at 7:59 pm
I’m too sexy for my raccoon penis, to sexy for my raccoon penis, so sexy it hurts…
December 16, 2009 at 8:15 pm
That’s way to big to belong to a raccoon. Oosik is an Alaskan native term and usually refers to seals.
December 16, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Title = Awesome.
That said, it must be difficult to manage a successful Etsy store when your model is triple booked with additional photo shoots for American Apparel and the ‘Faces of Meth’ wall calendar.
#52 NinjaGato – Excellent Dawkins reference. If more bored school kids realized that evolutionary biology was all about gonads, we’d have a lot fewer solvent huffers behind the 7-11.
#58 stonemaven – People actually use the phrase “coondong”? People from Slidell, I assume.
December 16, 2009 at 8:38 pm
I fear Tweaker Boy’s definition of “pants” probably doesn’t extend past assless chaps, so it’s just as well we leave some things unseen.
December 16, 2009 at 8:52 pm
um, i get that this is a raccoon penis bone and all, but how did we skip right over the Raccoon Gingerbread Woman Plush Stuffed Animal with OVERSIZED HANDCRAFTED GRAPHIC VAGINA ?
December 16, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Been there, done that.
December 16, 2009 at 9:02 pm
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
That is all.
December 16, 2009 at 9:16 pm
so ugly even a caveman would wear it.
December 16, 2009 at 9:18 pm
so ugly only a caveman would wear it.
December 16, 2009 at 9:24 pm
And my post totally got deleted…
I’ve apparently committed some sort of transgression…
sorry…
December 16, 2009 at 9:24 pm
#69- Oh god. That racoon stuffed vagina doll just made me throw up my eggnog and toss my Christmas cookies. Sick sick sick sick. Santa better put that weirdo on the naughty list. I wonder if there’s a sick-in-the-head-list? She’s probably on it.
December 16, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Thank God this website isn’t scratch-n-sniff. The guy looks like he would smell like a combo of garlic, weed and BO. I really blame the seller though. someone’s obviously reading too many creative photography threads on the forums…Why the hell else would she think stripping her boyfriend naked and throwing a cheap fur shrug from the salvation army on him would help sell a necklace?
December 16, 2009 at 9:29 pm
As if this guy’s streaming puddle o’ pubes wasn’t creepy enough, it just occurred to me that the seller could be his mom.
“No, you can’t put your pants on yet, honey; I just need to get one more shot.”
December 16, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I think that instead of “necklace”, it should be named a “noose”. Anyone wearing a penis around their neck willingly should be hung.
December 16, 2009 at 9:37 pm
@74, It may have just gotten stuck in the queue. The comments are a little temperamental. Nothing personal, I swear.
December 16, 2009 at 9:39 pm
ok those damn plushies are just gross
December 16, 2009 at 9:54 pm
No doubt an etsy darling
December 16, 2009 at 9:55 pm
and this one sitting on the gross carpet
omg the dna and semen samples that could be scraped from that fur!!
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=17717361
December 16, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Wanna have some more fun with this?
Open a new tab in the browser and play Varga’s “Love Train” while watching animated Jeremy Davies wannabe guy twitching.
(Hey, it made me laugh for about 10 seconds…then again I just returned from a holiday festivity and am not entirely sober…)
December 16, 2009 at 10:09 pm
“I Am the Enemy” works well too…
He twists along with the multi-tracking!
Where (where) could (could) he (he) BE!? (BE?!)
ENEMY WITHIN ME! (shows scrunchie evil face)
December 16, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
December 16, 2009 at 10:28 pm
i was wondering why “furburger” sounded familiar…so wait, Helen, you are putting “repeat offenders” on here, so to speak?
December 16, 2009 at 10:34 pm
#86, I’m actually just looking at the object, not the store. So it has happened once or twice.
December 16, 2009 at 10:46 pm
#85. Just because people have eaten penises and worn them for thousands of years does not make it smarter or cooler. People ate people then too. And threw babies with red hair in the forest. These actions did not make us evolutionary marvels.
December 16, 2009 at 11:42 pm
#38 bootsychoo : a suburb thereof.
December 16, 2009 at 11:50 pm
HE did NOT hear that Al Green was in town.
December 16, 2009 at 11:55 pm
When I first saw the picture, before reading the description,I thought it looked like exposed wires from an old light that once was. Boy was I wrong.
I am considering selling, wholesale of course, to Etsy Creators. I have the hook up for pheasants and their feathers and parts, Racoons.. we got those too. Turkeys, Deer, Sheep…… pig skulls…SKULLY- if you are interested I will give you first chance at the best.
December 17, 2009 at 2:02 am
Oh, great googly moogly, why do I keep clicking the links you all post?
You would think I would know better! *shudder*
December 17, 2009 at 3:14 am
Yes, that’s totally what I find attractive. dicks around your neck.
Sheep skin shrug looks kinda cozy though.
December 17, 2009 at 3:29 am
I’m not joining the cult of microsoft to make a submission, but this sperm art made it to the Etsy frontpage as an eating utensil:
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=33744129&ref=fp_feat_3
December 17, 2009 at 5:22 am
I’m sorry, I am STILL laughing my ass off at the term “coondong” having been bantied about so casually waaaaay upthread.
December 17, 2009 at 7:32 am
He’s got a mammalian penis bone around his neck; his own penis bone is inches away from stardom; and his ridiculous hipster ‘tude is just plain OVER already.
What the fuck is wrong with these people?
Oh. Oh wait. “Okalhoma City.” Okay gotcha.
December 17, 2009 at 7:39 am
Along with Jewelry, Penises, this ought to be filed in Dead Things, Annoying Descriptions. This listing hit the trifecta+1. (quadrafecta?)
December 17, 2009 at 7:52 am
OK. If, like me, you need to google “oosik” to find out what the hell it is, DO NOT click on “image results”. You’re welcome.
December 17, 2009 at 7:56 am
OK, hipster doofus, time to put your ugly buck/newspaper blazer back on, we’re tired of looking at your skinny, greasy chest.
December 17, 2009 at 8:07 am
I wish bathing was considered HipsterChic, and am grateful the internet does not yet come in Smell-O-Rama.
December 17, 2009 at 8:18 am
aaacccckkk!!!! This whole thing is repugnant.
December 17, 2009 at 8:20 am
Does he HAVE to be naked? EWWWW. I hope he’s wearing his buttlace at least.
December 17, 2009 at 8:21 am
Racoon penises (peni?) are used in the Hoodoo tradition as an amulet for sexual prowess. I know of a woman who got married wearing a necklace made of at least a dozen racoon penises. I am not making this up.
December 17, 2009 at 8:22 am
@#91 RCB: Can you get me steer skulls with horns? I’d love to have a unicorn skull also, that would be whimsical.
December 17, 2009 at 9:10 am
Holy crap – the fat girl dress is in the Etsy Finds today…
December 17, 2009 at 9:25 am
@ #104 ohdearydearyme – I know! I saw it (Mrs. Fat Girl dress from Manial), along with a creepy woodland old man doll from Budapest and thought: ETSY ADMIN HAS LOST IT.
December 17, 2009 at 9:25 am
*Manila* altho “Manial” sounds about right.
December 17, 2009 at 9:51 am
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_2&listing_id=19656327
Does anyone notice how BIG this girl’s head is in relation to her body?!
December 17, 2009 at 9:52 am
103- SKULLY- I can get you a mounted unicorn head with bedazzled features- I know of a shop on Etsy that would have them.
December 17, 2009 at 9:52 am
*ATTENTION WANNABE HIPSTER KIDS*
Quit ripping off old Fiona Apple videos with your photo shoots. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFOzayDpWoI
—–
Having said that, I did laugh so hard at the mounted cat toys.
December 17, 2009 at 11:57 am
PUT SOME EFFING PANTS ON!!!! No one needs to see that, REALLY.
December 17, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Wait…are these the same people that make plush animals
with vaginas? You know this *could* promote beastiality,
God forbid.
December 17, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I really glad you made the pie chart. It gave me somewhere to rest my eyes between the creepy listing and the horrifying blinking picture. It helped to limit the bleeding quite a bit.
December 17, 2009 at 4:16 pm
I love this 100%. Especially the pearl necklaces joke. At first I thought she meant, these could have been worn instead of pearls had history made some strange catacylsmic shift. But no. Its a cum joke. EVEN FUCKING BETTER.
December 17, 2009 at 5:41 pm
The question is, how did they get the penis? Also, couldn’t they have done a little touch up and covered over Borat’s zits?
December 17, 2009 at 7:13 pm
what this is screaming for is to be paired up with the butt shield from a few weeks ago…
December 17, 2009 at 7:22 pm
so, so, so very wrong.
December 18, 2009 at 1:21 am
This is a full on train wreck of a shop! I am off to vomit and pass out now!
December 19, 2009 at 8:55 am
This guy is clearly a fan of Elfquest.
December 20, 2009 at 1:30 am
I also had to Google oosik and learned more about penis bones (and clitoral bones, which, thankfully, have not been made into necklaces) than I ever cared to know. I am wondering how that creature with the 4.5 foot oosik went extinct, though.
And never mind the greasy, unwashed appearance, the third nipple, the David Cassidy happy trail, or the deformed navel, WTH is the matter with his arms? Is that hair or some kind of withering action?
“I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so…
June 3, 2010 at 5:47 am
This also needs to go in Dead Things and Self-Gratification, because this person has a serious obsession with sex and uses a Dead Thing to tell all.
August 9, 2011 at 11:06 pm
The toys and gadgets pictured are now just making me rock with laughter. Oh and the comments are funny too!
April 26, 2012 at 10:57 am
okay I just came across this while randomly browsing through the archives, and, well, is it just me that thinks this guy is hot? I’d totally do him if he took the dead animal penis off.