Why in the world would I want a raccoon dick bone hanging from my neck!!!!
I don’t like to think of how the penis was obtained or why it wants to scrape this girl’s belly button out.
So that’s where the term “boner” comes from.
The name of the seller is “furburger”. Need I say more?
I think absolutely horrifying is more like it. You could easily expand the red zone to include stuff above the nipples too…like the catatonic stare and helmet hair.
Team Edward? Team Jacob?
Neither – I’m Team Raccoon Penis Guy!
Hipster penis enlargement?
Now that I’ve gotten over the initial ICK factor of a raccoon penis I noticed that I missed the shrug made from a car seat cover. Judging from the looks of that guy it was an ’87 Impala that reeks of cigarettes.
Clutch my penis racoon necklace!
I mean, cluth my pearls!
#6 befuddled – You must have missed his “action pose” on the listing.
(To the tune of Rocky Racoon from The White Album)
Will get no more poon
‘Cause you stole the bone
From his phallus
To make your necklace.
You’re so damn feckless,
I hope someday you need Cialis.
Alo. My name ees Ivan. Do you theenk I am sexy?
Arggh – I did, bootsychoo! We need another slice of pie just for the “smile”.
This is the first item on regretsy to actually turn my stomach. I feel queasy. I think that each part alone would normally just incite a slight repulsion, but all together and I feel like the tuna fish sandwich I ate for lunch wants to make a return trip.
I think Helen could publish a “Men of Regretsy” calendar. I nominate Hipster Raccoon Penis Bone Boy here as Mr. February.
Is that a third nipple down there by his bellybutton?
OK…and now I’m picturing this guy in a seedy bar using this “necklace” as his go-to pick-up line. Blecchhh.
Ranger Rick? Nope, Ranger Dick!
Hmmmm… Materials: Penile bone, shoestring, not fur real gold wire… Cost: $20… Who’s the penile boner now?
Ah, you kept so much from us, Daniel Boone, you minx.
hey you can get one for FREE…
“$$$ BLING BLOWOUT $$$
Handmade oosik necklace included (sold in shop for $20) FREE with orders of $100 or more!”
yes, I so want to spend 100 bucks in this shop so I can win a free raccoon dick
BTW, I think Furburger just coined a new (to me, anyway) term in their store:
“Vintage and handcrafted accoutrements of the former elderly.
I knew buying those ani-aging creams was a good idea!
Now we know where the term “hung like a racoon” came from…
#18…lmao, looks like caveman here couldn’t fight off an angry duck.
I don’t know what this does.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Well it’s a better use than as a “pecker pick”!
…the silver one is for GIRLS
That’s so dist- I mean, I’m utterly shoc- What the fu-
WHY? Why is he naked for a photo of a necklace? Never mind we’re talking about a dong necklace, but why does the weird pale guy have to be naked?
That (allegedly) sheepskin thing looks like a dog toy.
wow. great read. learned a lot. i heard oprah was gonna put this description on her reading list.
seriously if you are going to wear a raccoon penis w/faux gold (but you still look like money) wire wrapping, must you look like the great unwashed?
The racoon probably has more boner capability than this model does.
One more inch he’d be a king, one less inch he’d be a queen. What a way to compensate.
Uh, they have those at the French Market for fifty cents. If anybody wants penis bone, I’ll save you $19.50 and the agony of looking at this model.
>*the wire wrap is not not fur real gold but u still look like $$$
not not fur real gold? does that mean it is fur real?
This is the most freaked out I’ve even been on Regretsy. Not the necklace as much as the flashing pic.
With the fur, all I can think of is Barbarelle…
Holy crap, as if it wasn’t scary enough! The animated version of Mr. Furburger almost sent me into cardiac arrest!!!!
#33 Dynomoose – do u live in NOLA?
When I first saw this, I didn’t know what “oosik” was, and thought gee, that pendant looks like an os penis… O_O
See, I told y’all it was “rowr”.
Merci, HK & BD!
OK, OK…I will buy this if that boy promises to shower, shave, get a haircut and put a damn shirt on. God! Have I gotten that old!?!?!?!
Somewhere in the world, there is a pack of raccoons walking around with their paws over their crotches, wondering where the hell their boners went.
Also from furburger’s shop: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=16944692
taxidermy cat toy, trophy-style for your cat’s viewing pleasure…
Holy shit, Bronc Drywall, the animation is scaring the crap outta me.
#42…yeah, I’m just glad the pic doesn’t go any lower.
Hey #40 IndyJules “OK, OK…I will buy this if that boy promises to shower, shave, get a haircut and put a damn shirt on. God! Have I gotten that old!?!?!?!”
I would think the first thing you would have asked him to do was put some god damn pants on.
How do you say “wrong” in raccoon?
I think things have sunken as low as they can get now, IscreamUscream. I wouldn’t worry too much.
Yup, he’s about to give someone a pearl necklace alright.
#40 IndyJules :
OK, OK…I will buy this if that boy promises to shower, shave, get a haircut and put a damn shirt on. God! Have I gotten that old!?!?!?!
lol! Are you not concerned about his lack of pants?
The raccoon penis bone necklace will go well with my squirrel blood vial necklace.
from the silver oosik listing
“”The zoologist Richard Dawkins speculated in 2006, that the loss of the bone in humans, when it is present in our nearest related species the chimpanzee, is probably a result of sexual selection by females looking for signs of good health in prospective mates. The reliance of the human penis solely on hydraulic means to achieve a rigid state makes it particularly vulnerable to blood pressure variation….
…Poor erectile function betrays not only physical states such as diabetes and neurological disorders but mental states such as stress and depression.”
Golly thanks Professor Know It All
This is enough to turn me off men for the rest of my life.
OMFG, Mr. Drywall- that animation is scary!
Please, for the love of god, be wearing pants.
I can’t believe I’m going here, but a coondong is a Hoodoo/Voodoo charm for good luck and…potency. Pretty popular in those communities too.
#46 & #50 I am so grossed out that I lost all interest in this “boy” from the waist down so it kinda slipped my mind. Yes, though, pants would be good but not the lace up leather kind.
Even the furburger shop banner is kicking my gag reflex into high gear.
Thanks for the animated version Bronc, you rock!
No. No. You do not get to use Richard Dawkins quotes like that. Uh-uh. No. Bad Furburger.
Wow Helen aka April, you are seriously on your game today!!!!
Snazzy shoulder rug.
I’m too sexy for my raccoon penis, to sexy for my raccoon penis, so sexy it hurts…
That’s way to big to belong to a raccoon. Oosik is an Alaskan native term and usually refers to seals.
Title = Awesome.
That said, it must be difficult to manage a successful Etsy store when your model is triple booked with additional photo shoots for American Apparel and the ‘Faces of Meth’ wall calendar.
#52 NinjaGato – Excellent Dawkins reference. If more bored school kids realized that evolutionary biology was all about gonads, we’d have a lot fewer solvent huffers behind the 7-11.
#58 stonemaven – People actually use the phrase “coondong”? People from Slidell, I assume.
I fear Tweaker Boy’s definition of “pants” probably doesn’t extend past assless chaps, so it’s just as well we leave some things unseen.
um, i get that this is a raccoon penis bone and all, but how did we skip right over the Raccoon Gingerbread Woman Plush Stuffed Animal with OVERSIZED HANDCRAFTED GRAPHIC VAGINA ?
Been there, done that.
That is all.
so ugly even a caveman would wear it.
so ugly only a caveman would wear it.
And my post totally got deleted…
I’ve apparently committed some sort of transgression…
#69- Oh god. That racoon stuffed vagina doll just made me throw up my eggnog and toss my Christmas cookies. Sick sick sick sick. Santa better put that weirdo on the naughty list. I wonder if there’s a sick-in-the-head-list? She’s probably on it.
Thank God this website isn’t scratch-n-sniff. The guy looks like he would smell like a combo of garlic, weed and BO. I really blame the seller though. someone’s obviously reading too many creative photography threads on the forums…Why the hell else would she think stripping her boyfriend naked and throwing a cheap fur shrug from the salvation army on him would help sell a necklace?
As if this guy’s streaming puddle o’ pubes wasn’t creepy enough, it just occurred to me that the seller could be his mom.
“No, you can’t put your pants on yet, honey; I just need to get one more shot.”
I think that instead of “necklace”, it should be named a “noose”. Anyone wearing a penis around their neck willingly should be hung.
@74, It may have just gotten stuck in the queue. The comments are a little temperamental. Nothing personal, I swear.
ok those damn plushies are just gross
No doubt an etsy darling
and this one sitting on the gross carpet
omg the dna and semen samples that could be scraped from that fur!!
Wanna have some more fun with this?
Open a new tab in the browser and play Varga’s “Love Train” while watching animated Jeremy Davies wannabe guy twitching.
(Hey, it made me laugh for about 10 seconds…then again I just returned from a holiday festivity and am not entirely sober…)
“I Am the Enemy” works well too…
He twists along with the multi-tracking!
Where (where) could (could) he (he) BE!? (BE?!)
ENEMY WITHIN ME! (shows scrunchie evil face)
Sorry to play killjoy, but folks have worn and eaten animal penises for thousands of years. Once upon a time, bacula were the toothpicks of choice. If you want to legitimately sneer at someone at least get some history folks!
While I’m at it, do we really think fashion models in magazines are typically any more clothed?
I will say he looks like he escaped from the caveman frat party in “Back to School.” ‘Everybody get crraaaaazzyyy…’
i was wondering why “furburger” sounded familiar…so wait, Helen, you are putting “repeat offenders” on here, so to speak?
#86, I’m actually just looking at the object, not the store. So it has happened once or twice.
#85. Just because people have eaten penises and worn them for thousands of years does not make it smarter or cooler. People ate people then too. And threw babies with red hair in the forest. These actions did not make us evolutionary marvels.
#38 bootsychoo : a suburb thereof.
HE did NOT hear that Al Green was in town.
When I first saw the picture, before reading the description,I thought it looked like exposed wires from an old light that once was. Boy was I wrong.
I am considering selling, wholesale of course, to Etsy Creators. I have the hook up for pheasants and their feathers and parts, Racoons.. we got those too. Turkeys, Deer, Sheep…… pig skulls…SKULLY- if you are interested I will give you first chance at the best.
Oh, great googly moogly, why do I keep clicking the links you all post?
You would think I would know better! *shudder*
Yes, that’s totally what I find attractive. dicks around your neck.
Sheep skin shrug looks kinda cozy though.
I’m not joining the cult of microsoft to make a submission, but this sperm art made it to the Etsy frontpage as an eating utensil:
I’m sorry, I am STILL laughing my ass off at the term “coondong” having been bantied about so casually waaaaay upthread.
He’s got a mammalian penis bone around his neck; his own penis bone is inches away from stardom; and his ridiculous hipster ‘tude is just plain OVER already.
What the fuck is wrong with these people?
Oh. Oh wait. “Okalhoma City.” Okay gotcha.
Along with Jewelry, Penises, this ought to be filed in Dead Things, Annoying Descriptions. This listing hit the trifecta+1. (quadrafecta?)
OK. If, like me, you need to google “oosik” to find out what the hell it is, DO NOT click on “image results”. You’re welcome.
OK, hipster doofus, time to put your ugly buck/newspaper blazer back on, we’re tired of looking at your skinny, greasy chest.
I wish bathing was considered HipsterChic, and am grateful the internet does not yet come in Smell-O-Rama.
aaacccckkk!!!! This whole thing is repugnant.
Does he HAVE to be naked? EWWWW. I hope he’s wearing his buttlace at least.
Racoon penises (peni?) are used in the Hoodoo tradition as an amulet for sexual prowess. I know of a woman who got married wearing a necklace made of at least a dozen racoon penises. I am not making this up.
@#91 RCB: Can you get me steer skulls with horns? I’d love to have a unicorn skull also, that would be whimsical.
Holy crap – the fat girl dress is in the Etsy Finds today…
@ #104 ohdearydearyme – I know! I saw it (Mrs. Fat Girl dress from Manial), along with a creepy woodland old man doll from Budapest and thought: ETSY ADMIN HAS LOST IT.
*Manila* altho “Manial” sounds about right.
Does anyone notice how BIG this girl’s head is in relation to her body?!
103- SKULLY- I can get you a mounted unicorn head with bedazzled features- I know of a shop on Etsy that would have them.
*ATTENTION WANNABE HIPSTER KIDS*
Quit ripping off old Fiona Apple videos with your photo shoots. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFOzayDpWoI
Having said that, I did laugh so hard at the mounted cat toys.
PUT SOME EFFING PANTS ON!!!! No one needs to see that, REALLY.
Wait…are these the same people that make plush animals
with vaginas? You know this *could* promote beastiality,
I really glad you made the pie chart. It gave me somewhere to rest my eyes between the creepy listing and the horrifying blinking picture. It helped to limit the bleeding quite a bit.
I love this 100%. Especially the pearl necklaces joke. At first I thought she meant, these could have been worn instead of pearls had history made some strange catacylsmic shift. But no. Its a cum joke. EVEN FUCKING BETTER.
The question is, how did they get the penis? Also, couldn’t they have done a little touch up and covered over Borat’s zits?
what this is screaming for is to be paired up with the butt shield from a few weeks ago…
so, so, so very wrong.
This is a full on train wreck of a shop! I am off to vomit and pass out now!
This guy is clearly a fan of Elfquest.
I also had to Google oosik and learned more about penis bones (and clitoral bones, which, thankfully, have not been made into necklaces) than I ever cared to know. I am wondering how that creature with the 4.5 foot oosik went extinct, though.
And never mind the greasy, unwashed appearance, the third nipple, the David Cassidy happy trail, or the deformed navel, WTH is the matter with his arms? Is that hair or some kind of withering action?
“I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so…
This also needs to go in Dead Things and Self-Gratification, because this person has a serious obsession with sex and uses a Dead Thing to tell all.
The toys and gadgets pictured are now just making me rock with laughter. Oh and the comments are funny too!
okay I just came across this while randomly browsing through the archives, and, well, is it just me that thinks this guy is hot? I’d totally do him if he took the dead animal penis off.
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