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River of Love

Posted by Helen Killer

89 comments

If you only know me from this site, then you don’t know about my deep and abiding love of bizarre music. So it’s with a huge boner that I present the first audio Regretsy, River of Love by Varga.

I would describe Varga as a cross between a drunken David Byrne, and Lou Reed with a head injury. I predict big things for this guy, who really knows his way around a Casio.

I have given you three excerpts from this CD; 15 tracks of fucking awesome which I purchased and downloaded faster than the drum track on almost everything.*

First up, Love Train.

Varga: Love Train (Excerpt)

I am especially intrigued by a synthesized cat sound that comes in at the :08 mark, and appears again every seven or eight seconds.

Next up, I Am the Enemy.

Varga: I Am the Enemy (Excerpt)

I Am the Enemy asks the question, “Who is the enemy?”, thereby ruining the surprise ending. More importantly, this showcases Varga’s uncanny multi-tracking, making you think for just a moment that there are two enemies.

And finally, Only Love.

Varga: Only Love (Excerpt)

Listen carefully for the subtle sound effect at the :17 mark.

I urge you to go and buy River of Love immediately, if only to play without comment during Christmas dinner, thereby cutting the evening short, and allowing you to get back to your porn.

*I actually purchased this from CD Baby to insure I could download it immediately, and not have to wait by the mailbox like Greyfriars Bobby.

Filed in Bad Poetry, Don't Ask Me 89 comments

89 Comments

Add Comment

Dec 11, 2009
4:28 pm

#1 Orlana :

I actually own fairly crappy speakers so at first I was all “ug, my speakers sound like shit” and then I realized that, no, it’s not the speakers. It really sounds like that.

Rate this comment: +69

Dec 11, 2009
4:29 pm

#2 HelenaHandbasket :

The yarking cat on Love Train is the best part.

Rate this comment: +78

Dec 11, 2009
4:34 pm

#3 NinjaGato :

Drunken David Byrne sounds about right.

Why does he have to show us his nasty hairy armpits.

Rate this comment: +37

Dec 11, 2009
4:36 pm

#4 NinjaGato :

His profile says he’s from “Loveland” is that a train ride away from “Stalkerville”?

Rate this comment: +37

Dec 11, 2009
4:36 pm

#5 Frankenkitty :

Finally found some use for that hit of acid I’ve been saving. That baby cat chirp on Love Train made me bust out laughing every time I heard it. One of these days, you’ll have to share Tiny Tim’s version of Stairway to Heaven with everyone.

Rate this comment: +49

Dec 11, 2009
4:41 pm

#6 Patty has been abuducted by an alien :

Its times like this that I’m actually relieved to be hard of hearing.

*turns off Miracle Ear*

Rate this comment: +49

Dec 11, 2009
4:43 pm

#7 ThisJustMakesMeSad :

It’s like Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels made love to to Air Supply…

I wanna see the music video for ‘Only Love’, but in a totally 1980’s throwback style where the singer acts out the lyrics.

Rate this comment: +19

Dec 11, 2009
4:44 pm

#8 Princess Snarksalot :

he wouldn’t be half bad if he wasn’t totally tone deaf…..

Rate this comment: +2

Dec 11, 2009
4:44 pm

#9 gaycatpride :

my cat actually started singing along to track 1, matching vocal tone and everything. frightening.

Rate this comment: +57

Dec 11, 2009
4:45 pm

#10 sudabaki :

I keep reading his name as Viagra which is kind of ironic since his music has the opposite effect.

Rate this comment: +105

Dec 11, 2009
4:55 pm

#11 curlytopnola :

ya know, for a tone-deaf guy with absolutely no sense of rhythm or timing and some space in the basement where his mom lets him set up his keyboard and drum machine (right next to the ironing board but not so far as the freezer), he’s not half bad.

Rate this comment: +74

Dec 11, 2009
4:57 pm

#12 HermesGoddess :

Wow. I thought the seriously douchey picture was bad. Then I read the description, and it got worse. Then I listened to the tracks. Oy vey iz mir.

PS this is even trippier when you have Frankenkitty’s “bunny ascending staircase” photo in your peripheral vision while listening. Or trying not to listen, as the case may be.

Rate this comment: +15

Dec 11, 2009
4:59 pm

#13 hammerhead77 :

tears of laughter. Can. barel.y type…

*composes self*

Helen, music is my preferred form of torture (I think I’ve lost at least one friend by forcing them to listen to Juice Newton’s Greatest Hits & the Delilah radio show on a road trip), and this shit? is by far my favorite thing you’ve put on the site.

Thanks for linking your webpage. It’s a treasure trove of audio agony!

Rate this comment: +27

Dec 11, 2009
5:04 pm

#14 lilprincess :

Haven’t listened yet, but I’m having serious issues with the armpit hair.

Rate this comment: +16

Dec 11, 2009
5:11 pm

#15 Helen Killer :

@ #11, Tip of the iceberg.

Rate this comment: +18

Dec 11, 2009
5:15 pm

#16 Calophi :

I think the synthesized cat is supposed to be a fake sax sound. SAX-CAT!

Rate this comment: +27

Dec 11, 2009
5:15 pm

#17 hammerhead77 :

The acoustics are fan-tastic. It sounds like he recorded it in his bathroom!

Rate this comment: +10

Dec 11, 2009
5:23 pm

#18 Lysanna :

@#10, I’m in the same boat. I love the abortions featured regularly here on Regretsy, but aural abortions are by far my favorite. Thank you so much for the list of mp3s. I used to play a CD of terrible songs on repeat at my old job to entice people to not stay and/or shop. If only I were still there.

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 11, 2009
5:25 pm

#19 porgester :

Really, where to begin?
I started by immediately purchasing this classic.
I have a cunning plan.
I shall use this to empower myself to get to the end of a 10km treadmill walk as fast as possible. When the 10km is up, the ipod goes off. It is a simple plan, but one I have rare confidence in…….

Rate this comment: +46

Dec 11, 2009
5:26 pm

#20 YippySkippy :

I’d venture a guess that Varga got lodged in the funk canal during the birthing process and Venus had to use the vacuum extractor to get him out. It’s obviously something he’s never recovered from.

Rate this comment: +54

Dec 11, 2009
5:28 pm

#21 polaroidart :

“”Shave my Gorilla” reminds you of the untamed part of ourselves that various people will try to tame (shave)”

Hahaha……but seriously, this is crazy,
completely out of sync and crazy sounding.
And the picture is sooo douche bag-y,
hairy pits don’t belong in “Loveland”

Rate this comment: +10

Dec 11, 2009
5:40 pm

#22 Emmakawaii :

“thereby cutting the evening short, and allowing you to get back to your porn.”

Uh, who could jerk off after listening to that?

Rate this comment: +39

Dec 11, 2009
5:50 pm

#23 iamnottheone :

I happen to love “Shave My Gorilla”. Oh what a lyrical wonder. “Good Bye Julie Andrews” indeed.

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 11, 2009
5:50 pm

#24 TheOldGuy :

While this guy is good, nothing could beat Jimmy Mitchell’s “Eres Tu” on your Music I Like link. Here, the singer’s sensitivity toward language reaches the same sublime level as the quarter- and half-tone excursions around the tune. Is that Spanish with an Alabama accent?

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 11, 2009
5:55 pm

#25 nitebyrd :

Gods! I thought it was another “painting” and said “Viagra – River of Love!” I’ve been coming to Regretsy much too much.

Rate this comment: +23

Dec 11, 2009
5:56 pm

#26 Helen Killer :

@ #24, Well fortunately it isn’t a competition or Jimmy would walk away with everything. Have you heard his version of Mack the Knife on that page?

Rate this comment: +6

Dec 11, 2009
6:06 pm

#27 Kurt Starnes :

I hear some The The in I Am The Enemy and some Wire in the other two.

This is good stuff, in a painful way.

Rate this comment: 0

Dec 11, 2009
6:10 pm

#28 TheOldGuy :

De-year. Parly white. Shork. Scorlet billows. Mike-heath. Tugboat putt putt putt. Ol Mikey’s back in town. Sigh-lor. The loin forms on the right, bibe. In fact, all those rich variations of ‘babe:’ Boyb. Bibe. Bayabe.

Viagra wouldn’t stand chance…

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 11, 2009
6:14 pm

#29 denisewalks :

I am totally going to play this during the annual family Christmas dinner. They should be out of here in 30 minutes or less.

Rate this comment: +15

Dec 11, 2009
7:25 pm

#30 BettyMachete :

I’d do him in a heartbeat. That voice made me change my panties.

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 11, 2009
7:28 pm

#31 sudabaki :

#30 BettyMachete :

“That voice made me change my panties.”

Yeah, because you shit ‘em.

Rate this comment: +35

Dec 11, 2009
7:31 pm

#32 hammerhead77 :

#29 – or they might stick around just to see how much worse it could possibly get!

#18 – I still have one of those CDs. I use it when people work my nerves in the car. STFU about my driving or I’ll play the CD! It’s mostly really bad covers (James Galway does The Scorpions’ “Winds of Change” – WTF??).
I wish I could download podcasts of Delilah. That’s my “favorite.” It’s like Jerry Springer with soft rock interludes. I try to guess which P.O.S. song she’ll play for each sad sack…

Rate this comment: +6

Dec 11, 2009
7:41 pm

#33 razberries :

my ears are bleeding!

I too, thought the title at first was a gross art portrait with Viagra across the top…ha!!

and with that 1st song, it does sound like a cat (dying)

has anyone ever heard of Wesley Willis? now that’s some talent..my brother-in-law burned me a copy years ago- now that’s some funny shit

Rate this comment: +6

Dec 11, 2009
7:43 pm

#34 banished :

I can’t believe I’m wasting my 1st post on saying something like, “My river of love looks nothing like that.” or ” Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 11, 2009
8:18 pm

#35 NinjaGato :

I get the feeling that he’s not wearing pants in that picture.

Rate this comment: +26

Dec 11, 2009
8:32 pm

#36 la rêveuse :

I had always wondered what happened to Rick Astley.

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 11, 2009
8:39 pm

#37 spiritwunion :

…Oh. Oh, woman. All this time I’ve managed not to join and start commenting…but I used to work in college radio. Now I’m doomed.

Of course, we’ll all be sorry one day when we’re buying terrible sock monkeys of this guy on ebay.

Rate this comment: +11

Dec 11, 2009
8:39 pm

#38 whimsy :

#33 please don’t insult wesley willis by mentioning him in the same post as viagra here…

though he probably would have appreciated the sonic cat strangling in track 1.

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 11, 2009
8:43 pm

#39 evabowering :

I checked out his website, my favorite sample not included here was the song Touch which contains the lyrics:
“DROPPED HER PANTIES TO THE PURE WHITE SAND

IN THE DISTANCE I COULD STILL HEAR THE BAND” I need this album for Christmas. It’s tops on my list.

Rate this comment: +19

Dec 11, 2009
8:45 pm

#40 jer :

What I love about this is that it’s so bad my brain refuses to retain it.

The upside to that?

I leave for awhile and even when I come back hours later, it’s still as hilarious as the first time I heard it.

Rate this comment: +16

Dec 11, 2009
9:11 pm

#41 popodog :

As enthralling as whatsisname’s work is, your comment about Greyfriars Bobby made me all verklempft. Snif! For those unfamiliar with the story: http://www.greyfriarsbobby.co.uk/

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 11, 2009
9:21 pm

#42 s u s a n :

Please tell me he does weddings.

Rate this comment: +17

Dec 11, 2009
9:23 pm

#43 IscreamUscream :

It’s the soundtrack for “No Exit–The Musical”.

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 11, 2009
9:48 pm

#44 alibee :

I had to register just to comment and say that this post (cat meows/sax blasts and all) made me laugh harder than any post you’ve done to date.

I am actually watching Jim Gaffigan “King Baby” in the background and this post made me laugh harder than the DVD has thusfar. That’s talent, woman!

Rate this comment: +6

Dec 11, 2009
9:50 pm

#45 alibee :

Also, comment #36 is a jerk for comparing the brilliance of Rick Awesome Astley with this drivel. Hmph!

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 11, 2009
10:14 pm

#46 McChicken :

For some reason reminds me of the “We like the moon” song on rathergood.com, even though they don’t sound alike. Except that they’re both really, really bad.

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 11, 2009
10:42 pm

#47 Recovering Crack Baby :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -3

Dec 11, 2009
10:54 pm

#48 Recovering Crack Baby :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -3

Dec 11, 2009
10:55 pm

#49 step away from the jewelry supplies :

Oh my God…the *hwarnk* in the first song almost made me piss myself, I laughed so hard.

And I totally read the first song as “Vagina: Love Train”.

So who thinks this guy is probably a gigantic douchetool? *raises hand*

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 11, 2009
10:57 pm

#50 Recovering Crack Baby :

See what varga did to me- my fav artist that ever existed is spelled BOB SCHNEIDER.

Rate this comment: -1

Dec 11, 2009
11:05 pm

#51 Skully :

“Born from rock, mid-wifed by Venus and birthed through the rhythmic canals of funk, romantic jazz and get up and dance disco.”
Wow, his parents must have some kick-ass health insurance. When I was born, my mom just had a C-section at Kaiser.

Rate this comment: +25

Dec 11, 2009
11:41 pm

#52 Recovering Crack Baby :

Helen Killer your descriptions were the fucking best!!!! My favorite is he really knows his way around a Casio!!!!!!
Waiting with anxiety for the next er..um.. musician?!? You come up with…… until then I will just have to pop Valium to help while waiting.

Rate this comment: 0

Dec 11, 2009
11:59 pm

#53 Street Corner Hooker :

Well, I HAVE made similar sounds to those in Love Train during sex… that’s why I had to reduce my prices.

Rate this comment: +17

Dec 12, 2009
12:03 am

#54 Skully :

So on “Love Train,” is Varga poking a cat in the noggin (a la lolcatscan) every 8 seconds?

Rate this comment: +10

Dec 12, 2009
12:33 am

#55 Thistle :

cant you just see this guy in his mom’s basement, tiny casio wobbling on its stand as he sings into a computer microphone from radio shack…all the while mom’s cat is winding its way around his legs begging for its litter box to be changed….

Rate this comment: +18

Dec 12, 2009
12:33 am

#56 Recovering Crack Baby :

Skully I am not convinced it is a cat. I am leaning more towards a baby sheep looking for it’s mom.

Rate this comment: +11

Dec 12, 2009
2:06 am

#57 istillheartbretmichaels :

This takes me back to the 80’s when my brother would jam out on his casio. Only he was five and never had a lesson. Strangely enough, our cat screeched much like the one in the above track.

I’m leaning towards cat just because of the memory . . .

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 12, 2009
3:03 am

#58 Recovering Crack Baby :

#57-What a memory that must be. My other half arose and I shared the excerpts and my comment relating to our Fun Band and he reminded me it was titled “You Can’t Sing With a Broken Wing.”
Perhaps Varga has a broken wing, just like his cousins we have met.

Rate this comment: -2

Dec 12, 2009
3:54 am

#59 regretmenot :

His CD cover reminds me of a button I saw once: it said
I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 12, 2009
3:58 am

#60 regretmenot :

Arrgh…I just had a listen. I couldn’t even listen to all of the excerpts. A shit-fest for the ears this is.

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 12, 2009
4:07 am

#61 noisecon :

You know, the sad part is he probably asked people he knows if he’s any good, and they’ve all LIED to his face…

But thanks to those lies, we can laugh today!

Hooray for human cruelty!!

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 12, 2009
5:09 am

#62 moi :

Ya know when you make something, & you think its just okay? But you wonder if its actually awesome & you are just being hard on yourself so you put it out there thinking that others will not notice the things that you notice only because you’re so close to it. I don’t know where I’m going w/this, but that is totally the feeling that came over me as I listened. That feeling I get when I wonder if something is better than I think or if its really just crap. So, yeah…that’s all I got.

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 12, 2009
5:40 am

#63 HermesGoddess :

Wow. I came back to this after a night away, and while I have to admit that I couldn’t bring myself to listen to Hairy Pits Viagra again, I did take a stroll through Helen’s/April’s mp3 list. Anyone who can run the gamut from Liberace to Amway to Borat and toss in a liberal helping of German-language head-shakers gets huge props from me. Score one for diversity. Heh.

Also, if you love the good old Catskills type of humor, you really must check it out: http://oldjewstellingjokes.com/

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 12, 2009
5:57 am

#64 BettyMachete :

Watch your back, Varga. Looks like a rainbow catepillar is stalking you…

Rate this comment: +12

Dec 12, 2009
6:13 am

#65 rodgertheshrubber :

He’s created a new genre of music. Hard Listening.

Rate this comment: +35

Dec 12, 2009
6:19 am

#66 rodgertheshrubber :

“Born from rock, mid-wifed by Venus and birthed through the rhythmic canals of funk, romantic jazz and get up and dance disco.”

Way to go, Venus. You’re supposed to keep guys like this OUT of the rhythmic canals.

Rate this comment: +11

Dec 12, 2009
6:26 am

#67 Anothertroy :

Oh, Jesus. You have no idea how happy this made me. Oh god, I love insane music like this SO MUCH and the. the cat sound is going to haunt me until my dying day with how fucking inspired it is.

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 12, 2009
7:16 am

#68 Recovering Crack Baby :

#61- I know EXACTLY what you are saying.I have pondered this myself…………..

How does one not know????

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 12, 2009
7:53 am

#69 WTFisthatanyway :

My dyslexia must be acting up or something but seriously folks, am I the only one who looked at the name & thought it read “Viagra”?

Rate this comment: +2

Dec 12, 2009
8:33 am

#70 hammerhead77 :

#42 susan – You’re in luck. He does do weddings! From the profile:
“…he would play music for clubs, weddings and concerts as well as theatre shows, musicals and pantomines…A lot of work was done in benefit concerts to preserve wild life.”

If you know any zoos planning a grand opening, they can book him too. (I’d love to see what effect the yarking cat song has on the panther pen!)

Rate this comment: +8

Dec 12, 2009
8:43 am

#71 Skully :

@#25 NB: Yeah, each time I see this I think it says “Viagra” and I keep waiting for his dinghy to pop up in the “River of Love.”

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 12, 2009
9:43 am

#72 IscreamUscream :

#65: LMAO.
Bleach for the ears.

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 12, 2009
9:45 am

#73 marimoy :

Oh. My. Ears… bleeding… can’t handle tone-deafness! I can’t believe you bought this! lol

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 12, 2009
10:20 am

#74 kevykev :

I bought this too. What an awesome Xmas gift.
I’ve never used CD baby before
Does anyone know where I might get cover art and liner notes?
Love you Helen xo

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 12, 2009
10:21 am

#75 Skully :

@#56 RCB: You’re right,our dog has a sheep toy that makes the same sound. I imagine Varga singing drunkenly, staggering around in a circle, stepping on that toy every 8 seconds.
@#69 WTF: Sorry, I didn’t see your Viagra comment also. So it’s not just me? I just can’t read this as “Varga” w/o serious effort!

Rate this comment: +6

Dec 12, 2009
10:22 am

#76 whyohwhy :

So cool Helen! Absolutely delightful brillant fun. Love your introductions. My daughter is also a huge collector of bizarre music. She needs to see your MP3 page.

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 12, 2009
10:28 am

#77 Helen Killer :

@ #74, The liner notes and cover art will be in the folder you downloaded from CD Baby.

Rate this comment: +3

Dec 12, 2009
10:59 am

#78 Recovering Crack Baby :

Skully- how many times have you stepped on the sheep since my comment?

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 12, 2009
2:53 pm

#79 studiorose :

Skully sez: “I imagine Varga singing drunkenly, staggering around in a circle, stepping on that toy every 8 seconds.”

This had me in tears. I had to listen to Love Train again with this visual; it’s absolutely perfect.

(PS: Thanks a lot for making me listen to Love Train again, ya bastard.)

Rate this comment: +6

Dec 12, 2009
3:20 pm

#80 spiritwunion :

I couldn’t make myself pay $10 for that album. Just couldn’t.

Now, 99 cents for just the mp3 of “Love Train?” Yeah, baby. The bleating cat-sheep-sax is mine forever!

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 12, 2009
3:52 pm

#81 thatdingo :

His back pocket is deep in the River of Love so we can’t see it, but I think he might be a “left pocket.”

http://www.regretsy.com/2009/10/27/no-sweat/

Rate this comment: +2

Dec 12, 2009
7:08 pm

#82 GreedySkunk :

That link to your bizarre music is fantastic! The German version of “Downtown” brings back a lot of memories.

Have you ever heard The Troggs’ version of the Coca Cola commercial? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlUQfXZGvgc

Rate this comment: 0

Dec 13, 2009
7:29 am

#83 lilprincess :

I may have to have a kid just so he can play at his bar mitzvah.

Rate this comment: 0

Dec 13, 2009
5:34 pm

#84 herzeleid :

I checked youtube to see if I could find awesome video of Varga but all I found was this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sS2WTUz8F3M
If you were to combine the two Vargas they could take over the world.

Rate this comment: -1

Dec 13, 2009
10:26 pm

#85 porgester :

BTW I have bought 5 copies on iTunes – yes iTunes !!! – and gifted them to unsuspecting friends…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Rate this comment: +5