Blue Balls
She sits under winter skies at the kitchen table, wordlessly pressing polymer clay onto cheap ornaments from Wal Mart. In the dying hours of the day, when shadows lengthen and Dr. Phil is over, greens turn blue, greys turn silver, and the fuzz on Oprah’s face seems to glow.
Then it’s time to feed the cat and open the mail. For all I know, she sits on the toilet and looks at the Pottery Barn catalog.
****
December 9, 2009 at 1:47 pm
You can see the sellers finger prints.
December 9, 2009 at 1:47 pm
The seller is a pretty talented artist. This, however, is ugly crap.
Great alternative description, Helen!
December 9, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Somebody, quick: get this highly skilled artisan a job writing copy for the J. Peterman catalog.
December 9, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Wow… i would have been satisfied with simply glass… but glass AND glimmer!! Whoa…
December 9, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
When we were zygote
December 9, 2009 at 1:52 pm
I’ll need more than rain to blot this out.
December 9, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I would say “thank god no one’s bought any of these horrible things” but I’m sure someone’s gonna buy them now.
December 9, 2009 at 1:54 pm
mmmmmm… moldy onion
December 9, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Guess that explains what the weather is like on their planet.
December 9, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I think she needs a notebook for her Ideals:
“Those who want to know more about my mystic creation process, read on, and prepare to be amazed by the creative mind! Or mine, anyway.
1. Wake up. Do wake-upey things.
2. Look outside. Notice how very nice the outside is.
3. Get hit by the muse. Or a rock. Or, most likely, boredom. Go craft.
4. Realize I am lacking the (a)materials (b)knowledge (c) both needed to realize my vision.
5. Keep going anyway, because the alternative is pretty…
December 9, 2009 at 2:01 pm
“the alternative is pretty much staring at plants.”
December 9, 2009 at 2:02 pm
So she dropped one of her christmas balls in smurf shit, rolled it in shimmer and now is trying to sell it on etsy?
classy.
December 9, 2009 at 2:05 pm
it’ll sell NOW.
seller needs to stick to drawing and work on that. stay away from ornaments and creative writing.
December 9, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Good god, that description sounds like it’s from The Timothy Leary School of Meteorology.
December 9, 2009 at 2:12 pm
ok. yeah.
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_2&listing_id=17917002
conte crayon is a motherfucker, and she made a pretty buffalo with it.
MOLDY ONION IS INEXCUSABLE. >:(
December 9, 2009 at 2:14 pm
See, what the HELL??! This is someone who *does* have talent (see post 15), and they make…this? Moldy onion indeed. Now I’m really mad.
December 9, 2009 at 2:15 pm
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=17532378 is actually pretty awesome and subversive. Hey all you Deadwood fans: that’s her fuckin’ leg.
December 9, 2009 at 2:17 pm
While I was standing knee-deep in the freshly fallen 14 inches of snow- the heavy, wet kind they call “heart attack snow”- I took a break from shoveling my driveway and looked up at the sky.
I saw something that resembled this ornament. I thought I was hallucinating, so I decided it was time to take a break before I had an actual heart attack.
December 9, 2009 at 2:28 pm
@ HermesGoddess :
Her linework and style is really simple, but that’s the kicker. The proportions are spot on. She makes drawing people look easy.
Drawing people is not easy.
I hope to God she realizes she’s been regretsyfied and sees the ‘PUT DOWN THE MOLDYASS DR. PHIL ONION’ intervention and goes and gets the conte crayon back out.
December 9, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I blame ETSY! Last few weeks they have been sending out bunches of e-mails with “tips for the holidays” spouting crap like “try a new medium, branch out to reach a new audience, blah, blah, blah.” Ends up being that good artists go bad by following ETSY’s hints for success.
December 9, 2009 at 2:35 pm
*snapping fingers* Crazy man, crazy.
December 9, 2009 at 2:41 pm
With any luck, it will rain vodka and Blue Balls will be blotted out of my mind…
December 9, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Addiosix, as always, you have sharp eyes and keen insight.
December 9, 2009 at 2:42 pm
You say “sits on the toilet and looks at the Pottery Barn catalog” like it’s a bad thing. Wait, is it? Uh oh.
December 9, 2009 at 2:43 pm
With apologies to #6 methuselah…
December 9, 2009 at 2:48 pm
#3 you’re right it is J. Peterman-esque!
December 9, 2009 at 2:52 pm
@ Skully :
aw, shucks. Thanks!
Especially considering the kick-assedness of the source
*humble curtsy*
December 9, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Leaves have soft fuzz that glows? What planet is she speaking of? I do not have any fuzzy leaves here.
December 9, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Oh, wow. The shop has multiple styles too. They had to be a hit some where, some time. Maybe they were made as gifts last year but no one was able to tell the artist the truth… that they are ugly. Thinking everyone adored them she made them for her shop. And I’m sure they are not cool in person either.
Why am I even wasting time thinking about it?
December 9, 2009 at 3:16 pm
@HermesGoddess: C’mon, Doc, dance with me!
“People are fuckin’ people…and that is fucked up.”
December 9, 2009 at 3:18 pm
The artists profile is even more entertaining. http://www.etsy.com/profile.php?user_id=5479249
December 9, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Step away from the clay………
December 9, 2009 at 3:22 pm
“Then it rains and the landscape is blotted out. For all I know, the leaves stay blue.”
And then I put down my bong and stave my hunger with a trip to 7-11.
December 9, 2009 at 3:32 pm
It’s orna-mental.
December 9, 2009 at 3:53 pm
My monitor glowed with strange imagery, as a smelly driftwood manger, whale flag, holy cuttlefish, and moldy onion distracted me from tasks at hand, destroying any progress made from hard work done previously this year. Under harsh fluorescent lighting, important issues were neglected in several ways; papers got shuffled, asses got covered, and spreadsheets got swept away with the winter wind.
Then it was 5:00. and my computer was quiet. For all I know, I didn’t do jack shit all day.
December 9, 2009 at 4:19 pm
The truth will save you, Skully. I think it’ll save both of us.
December 9, 2009 at 4:20 pm
God. I watch way too much TV, apparently.
December 9, 2009 at 4:37 pm
I agree that some of the things in her shop are really good…but this one makes me think of a placenta with an umbilical cord. *shudders*
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=36275039
December 9, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Someone left the ornament out in the rain.
December 9, 2009 at 6:16 pm
at first glance i thought they were blue stingrays…then i noticed they were leaves! think i need to get my eyes fixed…i just had to create an account to vote for regretsy as “best humor blog”-i am only vote #6?? come on, people!
December 9, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Oh Helen. You made me cry.
I think I’ll buy this ornament, and put it under my pillow with a spoon so there’ll be a snow day tomorrow.
December 9, 2009 at 7:09 pm
#31 Spechtgirl: Aaaahhhhaahahaha!
“Get hit by the muse, or a rock…”
December 9, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Put the crack pipe down, and step away from the polymer clay and the oven, M’am!
I wonder if she’s figured out how to convert a generic glass ornament into a crack pipe?
December 9, 2009 at 9:36 pm
I like to press my tongue into clay, add glimmer and stick it to blue balls.
December 9, 2009 at 9:36 pm
While I dream a little dream…about fuzzy things
December 9, 2009 at 10:05 pm
It’s partially Etsy’s fault there’s so much whimsicle fuckery in the descriptions. They went on a campaign of “Write a story with your listing” and had that sent out as e-mails, articles, and pretty much all over the place… Who the heck wants “a story” to read about an ornament or a hat or a string of beads??! Lay off the creative writing people and infuse all that whimsicity into your craft instead so we can laugh or be horrified at it!!
December 10, 2009 at 6:19 am
Is polymer clay safe for a cat to ingest? Because you know it’ll end up on the floor in pieces. I can’t wait to see glass and glimmer cat hork on the carpet.
December 10, 2009 at 7:29 am
It would look better if she’d used Floam.
December 10, 2009 at 7:35 am
That blue ball developed herpes – overnight. On the left side. It’s been gettin it somewhere.
December 10, 2009 at 8:20 am
Helen Killer your commentary SLAYS ME. It also makes me a bit sad, as that little vignette reminds me of my unemployment (minus the ornament-making part).
February 6, 2011 at 9:55 pm
At first glance, I thought this was a representation of the planet this seller is from…..imagine my chagrin when it bevame clear this is supposed to be an *ornament*.