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PLEASE DON’T READ THIS

Posted by Helen Killer

82 comments

PLEASE DONT READ THIS! In 1905, gray sky shrouded the anxious northern ocean. In cold wind, she was standing on the cliff, waiting for him. No one ever found her until 2000 when a young girl called Mary found her body and markings on her chest saying: “She is a mystery, with exotic gracefulness” and now you have read this she will appear in your mirror and kill you. To be saved paste this to 5 other videos. THIS IS TRUE
—
In 1905, a young girl named Jenn was standing on the cliff in a cold wind, sky shrouded the anxious northern ocean, when an insane man killed her with obsessive fragrant and puzzling passion and then hanging her in his closet. Now that you have read this message, she will haunt your house for 5 years. Every night you go to sleep she will appear in your closet with exotic gracefulness. Repost 3 times to be saved
—
PLEASE DON’T READ THIS. You will get kissed on the nearest possible Friday by a mystery, with exotic gracefulness, obsessive fragrant and puzzling passion underneath the quiet appearance. However, if you don’t post this comment to at least 3 videos, the gray sky will shroud the anxious northern ocean within 2 days. Copy and paste this to be saved
—
this is a true thing that happens! its not a chain letter! its kinda scary at first but it really works!! paste this message into 3 comments and press ALT F4 and a mystery with exotic gracefulness and obsessive fragrant will appear on a cliff!!! its soo weird

Filed in Annoying Descriptions 82 comments

82 Comments

Add Comment

Dec 4, 2009
11:33 am

#1 Dynomoose :

Pretty shawl. Too bad the description makes me want to set the seller on fire and throw her off that cliff.

Rate this comment: +55

Dec 4, 2009
11:33 am

#2 Kathleen Shimp :

To be fair, Madama Butterfly did premier in 1904. So, it makes some degree of sense with the name of the vest.

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 4, 2009
11:35 am

#3 KarlaR :

I just wasn’t aware that bright-blue blanket-sized shawls worn with micro shorts and argyle knee socks were fashionable in 1905. Hmmmm, guess you learn something new every day. How very historic.

Rate this comment: +45

Dec 4, 2009
11:36 am

#4 priceless :

Ah shit, Helen. You are definitely on fire this week! I don’t laugh out lout easily but this is the second posting today! The Christmas cheer has inspired you, I see…. as well as a few Etsy fuckups (:

Rate this comment: +20

Dec 4, 2009
11:37 am

#5 priceless :

loud… yikes. King of Stupid put a curse on me!

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 4, 2009
11:37 am

#6 hammerhead77 :

Micro shorts & argyle knee socks are the new hot & sassy.

Rate this comment: +22

Dec 4, 2009
11:40 am

#7 Efit :

I’m so completely confused. WTF is going on here? Is it raining on the other side of this Photoshopped pic?
http://ny-image1.etsy.com//il_fullxfull.107458153.jpg

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 4, 2009
11:40 am

#8 whyohwhy :

It’s kind of like a fancy/ornate dog snuggie.

Rate this comment: +27

Dec 4, 2009
11:41 am

#9 IndyJules :

Sorry Helen, can’t do it…can’t make fun of this one. The item is nice and looks well made. I didn’t see any glaring grammar or spelling errors (kudos to the seller for whom I presume english is not her first language since she lists her location as China). Maybe she took a little too much artistic license with the description but I think it’s well done.

Rate this comment: +18

Dec 4, 2009
11:41 am

#10 Bad_Wolf :

Ok, so the description prattles on like an amphetamine addict with Tourrettes… but Regretsy material? Seriously?

I think this is quite beautiful. Enough so, in fact, that I would consider spending $62 on it. I have a weakness for cashmere. I am seeking “wildlife rehab” for it.

And let the “thumbs down” commence.

Rate this comment: +55

Dec 4, 2009
11:45 am

#11 limper :

Yeah… Apart from the fact this is made by the hundreds by underpaid Chinese children, it’s quite nice.

Rate this comment: +15

Dec 4, 2009
11:45 am

#12 sudabaki :

Maybe she can mentor C.U.S.T.O.M. LADY CHATTERLEY’S LOVER. I thought it was the same seller at first.

Rate this comment: +13

Dec 4, 2009
11:46 am

#13 Skully :

“…obsessive fragrant and puzzling passion…” – so this outfit is for weird, smelly nymphos with OCD?

Rate this comment: +19

Dec 4, 2009
11:49 am

#14 typewrittenwhimsy :

I actually just ordered a coat from this design collective, and I agree the descriptions are a bit out there, but their items are beautiful. Their main contact, Gerald, has been a dream to work with. I highly recommend them!

Rate this comment: +26

Dec 4, 2009
11:51 am

#15 Kathleen Shimp :

Yeah, it’s a bit silly what she’s wearing it with, if she wants to evoke the Madama Butterfly thing, but I have to say it isn’t as bad as the Lady Chatterly’s Lover thing.

Rate this comment: +9

Dec 4, 2009
11:53 am

#16 thatbeadgirl :

this seller has been on my favorite list for a long time. LOVE regretsy…but this seller (although the description is a bit funky) really doesn’t belong here.

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 4, 2009
11:57 am

#17 Jea :

I like the shawl. But it looks like she’s wearing it over a sexy schoolgirl Hogwarts uniform.

Rate this comment: +17

Dec 4, 2009
12:03 pm

#18 turtlegirl76 :

HAHAHAHA! She has a “Princess Dudu line” in her shop. Royal shit. Wonderful.

Rate this comment: +2

Dec 4, 2009
12:06 pm

#19 Helen Killer :

Oh for fuck’s sake people, read the category this is in! Did I make one comment about the garment?

Although, it does look like something you’d see on sale at a gas station.

Rate this comment: +48

Dec 4, 2009
12:10 pm

#20 Tabbie :

You had me in stitches, just made me want to send it to all my friends with this subject line:

OMG ~~~~ I TOTALLY DID THIS AND IT WORKS AND ITS SCARY BUT IT WORKS AND IF YOU DONT SEND IT TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS YOU WILL DIE BECAUSE THE GHOST IS ACTUALLY SAMARA FROM THE RING AND ITS AMAZING BECAUSE THIS WORKS! ~~~>><<<

Rate this comment: +24

Dec 4, 2009
12:15 pm

#21 sillymerricat :

Well the funny part is the chain letter that Helen turned it into at the end.

But the combination of knee highs and writing style in the opening paragraph make me feel a little icky!

Rate this comment: +11

Dec 4, 2009
12:15 pm

#22 PJ :

Lady Chatterley and Madame Butterfly. I thought I know the stories but these sellers make me wonder.

Rate this comment: +11

Dec 4, 2009
12:20 pm

#23 DucksNew :

The “he” that the “she” is waiting for, does he sparkle? This seller has too many ideals. Sell me an item not a story

Rate this comment: +22

Dec 4, 2009
12:21 pm

#24 Kathleen Shimp :

I’m somewhat inspired, though, to do a mashup of “un bel di” with the “I’m on a boat, motherfucker” thing, just to be completely inappropriate.

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 4, 2009
12:21 pm

#25 sudabaki :

This listing evoked images of C.U.S.T.O.M. LADY CHATTERLEY’S LOVER. In my opinion that makes it fair game.

Rate this comment: +6

Dec 4, 2009
12:21 pm

#26 takilasunrise :

I think it would look nice as a Christmas tree skirt!

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 4, 2009
12:22 pm

#27 Bad_Wolf :

I disregard the nutty poetry sellers put in their descriptions anyway. I actually have to thank you, Helen, for posting this. I bookmarked some lovely pieces in her shop that I plan on purchasing.

Now you can all burn me at the stake.

Rate this comment: +20

Dec 4, 2009
12:26 pm

#28 Kathleen Shimp :

#23, he doesn’t sparkle, but when he does return, it’s with his new American wife, and they want to “adopt” poor Butterfly’s son that the jerk fathered in his sham marriage to her and leave her with nothing. Yeah, that’s totally not funny, but I’m just sayin’, that opera is such a tear jerker I have a hard time trying to poke fun at a sincere attempt to pay tribute to it, even if it is a bit of a Fail!

Rate this comment: -1

Dec 4, 2009
12:26 pm

#29 sudabaki :

Hasn’t Helen said before, one of her purposes is to drive traffic to seller’s sites? I don’t think anyone needs to burn for liking this. If you liked the hanging baby ornament on the other hand….

Rate this comment: +27

Dec 4, 2009
12:27 pm

#30 NinjaGato :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -4

Dec 4, 2009
12:30 pm

#31 Kathleen Shimp :

I am really conflicted. Is the description all that annoying when you consider the origin of the seller? So many native English speakers do so much worse. But when you have a flowery description with a no-frills, even inconsistent picture, it isn’t quite right.
Sigh. So conflicted.

Rate this comment: +3

Dec 4, 2009
12:30 pm

#32 Bad_Wolf :

#29 sudabaki: Are you kidding?? I hung that baby on my tree this morning within reach of the tiny booby ornaments!

Rate this comment: +18

Dec 4, 2009
12:32 pm

#33 Picklezilla :

#19, Your local gas station has hand crafted shawl-type-things? Mine has mass produced knit caps with rhinestone dollar signs. I kinda feel like I win.

Rate this comment: +15

Dec 4, 2009
12:33 pm

#34 sudabaki :

#32 Bad_Wolf: Maybe that scary ass baby will stop screaming now that it can nurse.

Rate this comment: +13

Dec 4, 2009
12:52 pm

#35 Megan8607 :

Is this what you’re suppossed to wear to go see your best friend that happens to be a bear? “Little blue riding hood?”

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 4, 2009
12:53 pm

#36 Skully :

Did anyone peek under the shawl to see if this is Madame Butterfly or M. Butterfly? Just curious…

Rate this comment: +8

Dec 4, 2009
1:00 pm

#37 norez :

I think it’s really pretty but the model should be wearing a solid black piece underneath to show how elegant it is (were that so, the description would seem far less silly.)
I don’t think this is something you toss on to go to class.

Rate this comment: +2

Dec 4, 2009
1:03 pm

#38 CreepyLittleGirl :

I like the garment. It’s a neat idea. The description reminds me of some of the other English majors I encounter at school. In one class the teacher asked us to define literature. One girl with a Sarah Palin “Bumpit” hairstyle launched into five-minute-long story that involved gravel crunching under carriage wheels. I wonder if she has an Etsy shop?

Rate this comment: +12

Dec 4, 2009
1:10 pm

#39 HelenaHandbasket :

The shawl is lovely, and the florid description seems to have been constructed randomly from their Poetry set of FunkyFrig Magnets.

Rate this comment: +16

Dec 4, 2009
1:17 pm

#40 CreepyLittleGirl :

#39
FunkyFrig magnets? Not fridge? Frig as in friggin’? What the frig? I like it.

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 4, 2009
1:23 pm

#41 customisedfeltvagina :

@11 What, because she’s Asian it must have been made in a sweat shop by ‘underpaid Chinese children’????
Who do you think made your ‘all-American’ jeans and t-shirts? Well-paid American adults?

Rate this comment: +18

Dec 4, 2009
1:35 pm

#42 Dynomoose :

#32 Bad_Wolf Good. The poor little thing needs something to snack on between its meals of human souls.

Rate this comment: +13

Dec 4, 2009
2:11 pm

#43 WhimsyMistress :

I just don’t understand the whole trend towards bad poetry/flowery purple prose in item descriptions. It makes me, personally, MUCH less likely to buy the item, even if it weren’t a bright-blue random-lengths shawl/coat/insert-slashies-here sort of thing.

And yes, I also thought at first it was another item form the Lady Chatterly person.

Rate this comment: +3

Dec 4, 2009
2:17 pm

#44 WhimsyMistress :

*from* Damnit.

Rate this comment: -2

Dec 4, 2009
2:26 pm

#45 Helen Killer :

Picklezilla, I actually meant the area rugs they throw over the chain link fence – the ones with The Last Supper on them or the horses running in the surf. But I don’t have sparkle caps at my gas station, so you win anyway.

Rate this comment: +8

Dec 4, 2009
2:34 pm

#46 HelenaHandbasket :

Bedazzled Dog’s Last Supper area rugs at mine-check and…mate!

Rate this comment: +13

Dec 4, 2009
2:37 pm

#47 Helen Killer :

Damn, Helena. That’s about as good as it gets. Well, no, making a coat out of one of those rugs would be even better. And you could sell it with a passage from Marley and Me, only in French.

Rate this comment: +13

Dec 4, 2009
2:47 pm

#48 mycophage :

I don’t get the chain letter bit (or the title, for that matter) Would someone to whom this is obvious please explain it? Feel free to be condescending and snarky.

Rate this comment: -2

Dec 4, 2009
2:49 pm

#49 WrathOfFoamy :

So it’s supposed to be handmade? I thought it was one of those cheap shawls old ladies wear… The kind you can get at junk stores that also have in stock; one microwave, a bin of ugly polyester socks, and religious statues…

Rate this comment: -1

Dec 4, 2009
2:50 pm

#50 Hank Scorpio :

This milieu will always contain a rich vein of material; at least until they make tracksuits that have been inspired by Fanny Hill.

Rate this comment: -2

Dec 4, 2009
3:00 pm

#51 Feel Free To Customise and Whimsiclise My Vagina :

Just blame that whimsicle idiot who posted a thread saying we would make more sales if we wrote a **story** for each of our items.

This is what happens.

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 4, 2009
3:01 pm

#52 cmuberti :

“You will get kissed on the nearest possible Friday by a mystery, with exotic gracefulness, obsessive fragrant and puzzling passion underneath the quiet appearance.”
This is an exact description of my boyfriend. I don’t need no stinkin’ cut and paste.

Rate this comment: +3

Dec 4, 2009
3:02 pm

#53 Recovering Crack Baby :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -3

Dec 4, 2009
3:04 pm

#54 Recovering Crack Baby :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -5

Dec 4, 2009
3:12 pm

#55 Skully :

Well Phil’s EZ-Fill by our house stocks gypsy danglers, red mittens (Smokey approved), and a freezer full of whimsicles, as well as tree titties and ceiling fan holly leaves for the holidays (glued, not sewn, so fuck that).

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 4, 2009
3:15 pm

#56 Recovering Crack Baby :

Skully- when you say “so fuck that.” Could we first see a picture of what you want us to fuck?

Rate this comment: +2

Dec 4, 2009
3:19 pm

#57 Recovering Crack Baby :

One of my FAV’s is Valentine’s Day and the Stations who have those Panty’s rolled right up like a Rose, right next to the check out so yah don’t forget something for your Schweetie. It always makes yah wonder what kind of a Gal could be so lucky as to get those.

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 4, 2009
3:19 pm

#58 fluffysue :

I tend to assume that people who make up stories about the stuff are crazy, and not people I’d trust with a financial transaction. But maybe that’s just me.

Rate this comment: +12

Dec 4, 2009
3:20 pm

#59 fluffysue :

Oops…*their* stuff

Rate this comment: -1

Dec 4, 2009
4:03 pm

#60 DucksNew :

Sometimes I’m not drunk enough to read these comments

Rate this comment: +15

Dec 4, 2009
4:16 pm

#61 crazycatlady :

Gets my vote for annoying description for sure. All I can think of is Bella cliff diving in New Moon in order to make Edward appear. Yes, I read the book. Yes, it sucked. Yes, I saw the movie but I have a 15 year old daughter so I kind of had to. And yes, that sucked too. Still, feel free to make fun of me.

That said, they have some super cute stuff in their shop so thanks for bringing them to my attention. Santa will be getting me a velvet jacket for Christmas!

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 4, 2009
4:16 pm

#62 Skully :

@ #56 RCB: Don’t take so literally, for I am an enigma, wrapped in a riddle and deep fried in mystery, with exotic clumsiness, fragrant flatulence, and puzzling nonchalance, underneath my simian appearance. MMMkay?

Rate this comment: +16

Dec 4, 2009
6:40 pm

#63 viveca_cynical :

Helen, you rock my vaginal wall socks off!! will you say what!? and have my damn baby? vaginally or otherwise?

Rate this comment: -1

Dec 4, 2009
7:13 pm

#64 sudabaki :

Crap, I don’t know if read I read comment #39 everydaymama1 on today’s Advent thread and subconsciously plagiarized her earlier.

Rate this comment: -2

Dec 4, 2009
7:41 pm

#65 polaroidart :

Dudes, this shop is a well know RESELLER –
http://etsycallout.wordpress.com/2009/07/18/reader-email-lifeisonlyillusion/

from the Etsycallout-
“since two of them are well-known resellers on Etsy (idea2lifestyle and yystyle) I thought I’d take a look at the style they are “copying” the aka style.”

THAT is the problem with this shop.

Rate this comment: +7

Dec 4, 2009
7:42 pm

#66 polaroidart :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -3

Dec 4, 2009
7:46 pm

#67 polaroidart :

Better link.
http://etsycallout.wordpress.com/2009/07/07/reseller-callout-idea2lifestyle/

So, whoever “hearted” this shop..you might
as well go ahead and “unheart” it pronto.

Rate this comment: +4

Dec 4, 2009
9:29 pm

#68 Merchant Adventurers :

@ #24 Well, she certainly is rocking that shawl, but most likely not on a boat. More likely, like a boss

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 4, 2009
9:47 pm

#69 everydaymama1 :

#64 sudabaki : Awww, it’s ok! I think that great minds just think alike

On the topic of this seller… I bought a piece of clothing from them a long way back. The craftsmanship was semi ok, but nothing to go crazy about. Could have spent my $$$ better elsewhere and would not ever buy from there again. That’s my 2 cents!

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 4, 2009
9:58 pm

#70 everydaymama1 :

#67 polaroidart : Ya, I saw that a while back too. Etsy has yet to do anything about the tons of complaints. Gotta love Etsy’s policies!

Rate this comment: +2

Dec 4, 2009
11:07 pm

#71 weberly :

i’m missing out on panty roses? and another thing, are y’all sipping on eggnog?

Rate this comment: 0

Dec 4, 2009
11:09 pm

#72 weberly :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -3

Dec 5, 2009
12:19 am

#73 weberly :

well you might want to walk around the block a couple times before you get a blowjob, that’s all i’m saying.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_2&listing_id=35814398

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 5, 2009
1:41 am

#74 limper :

@41 FYI I am not one to draw conclusions hastily, I was referring to this http://etsycallout.wordpress.com/2009/07/07/reseller-callout-idea2lifestyle/

Rate this comment: +5

Dec 5, 2009
4:53 am

#75 addiosix :

#48 mycophage :

If you’re being serious, then you’ve obviously stayed under the ‘being sent dumb shit by your friends whom you love but occasionally wish to strangle’ radar.

Count your blessings.

In this case, ignorance is beautiful. Bask in it, frolic gleefully in its meadows and streams…

Rate this comment: +2

Dec 5, 2009
10:11 am

#76 Recovering Crack Baby :

Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

Rate this comment: -7

Dec 5, 2009
10:26 am

#77 Petite :

Yep biggest reseller of etsy of all times.

http://flaggyetsy.blogspot.com/2009/03/idea2lifestyle-back-from-dead-just-4.html

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 5, 2009
12:29 pm

#78 Bad_Wolf :

Yeah, this doesn’t seem like the appropriate place to discuss whether or not someone is a reseller. That’s Etsy’s problem. We’re just here to poke fun at the crap.

Rate this comment: 0

Dec 5, 2009
4:55 pm

#79 Skully :

@#57RCB: I buy all of my underwear at the gas station, tighty whitey’s wrapped up to look like carnations.

Rate this comment: +1

Dec 5, 2009
5:21 pm

#80 Recovering Crack Baby :

How many pairs of rolled up rose panties does your Schweetie own Skully? If you can’t find them or need and deer hoof’s- I can hook yah up. It is opening shotgun season today for Deer- I am in my house wearing a helmet and a bullet proof vest for all of the idiots who crawl out of the woodwork on this day. True Story..we have Deer who come to our yard and eat the apples- that is why we planted them. Anyhoo, last year some asshole drove em out of our yard and tried shooting them

Rate this comment: -1

Dec 5, 2009
5:24 pm

#81 Recovering Crack Baby :

….in front of my house from their fucking vehicle. We are on a Big Ass Farm……neighbors are miles away……nobody had permission to shoot anything and it is illegal as fuck to A) shoot from a moving truck B) shoot from the road C) shoot in front of someone’s home…….. I had to share so you understand my bullet proof vest and helmet…… I wear a helmet..yah know for safety.

Rate this comment: -1

Dec 6, 2009
11:21 am

#82 muwhobbit :

The seller is obviously trying to mimic J. Peterman’s catalog, which always has some pseudo-literary BS story for each clothing item. “She hung out with Hemingway in this dress. Now you can too.” etc. Although honestly, I think it’s kind of pretty by itself…not sure why it got paired with argyle knee socks, though!

Rate this comment: -2