This is the first book I’ve ever written and is designed to make people be better and feel better – I feel better already and haven’t even read it. Just knowing it has been written puts me at FUCKING EASE!!
Recovering Crack Baby
November 30, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Use Language to your advantage like the seller has. He does not give a fuck, not a single fuck, not a single solitary fuck simply cause he don’t give a fuck mother fucker.
How did I do? Is my language here as advantaged as his description? Perhaps I need to hire the girl who is whoring out her ideals for 19.99 to help…how many days do I get her again for that??
$50? Right…ok so $50 to have someone tell you all the things your mom told you, but with more swearing (unless your mum was like mine). No one is actually going to buy this are they? (if so I am willing to record similar advice so you can make a cd and have a real mum scream at you to clean your shit up and shut up, for a small fee)
Oh this is soooo much better in Lewis Black’s voice! I can picture him with his index finger in the air poking it up and wagging it back and forth as he accentuates each ‘fucking fuck!!!’…
I’m getting this for my kids for Christmas. No more mister-nice-guy. “you want your fucking teeth to fall out of your head?” Yeah, that should do the trick. I know I’m going to brush my teeth right now, motherfucker. Who said positive reinforcement was the way to go?
I think he misspoke. It should have been “Read This Fuckin’ Book Every Fuckin’ Day.” If he’d consulted with the Ideal Lady he would have fuckin’ known that.
Don’t serial killers do this kind of thing? Scrawl their rantings down as if they’re gold? Sure, they keep them to themselves till the neighbors are interviewed to tell us “he was such a quiet person. No one ever suspected a thing till all the neighborhood cats disappeared…”
OMG, I laughed so hard at all these fucking comments; that alone was worth $50. Of course, now the dog won’t stop staring at me and my teenage boys think I am crazy.
Now this guy should be offering “Ideaization” services to his fellow Etsies:
1.Hey Georgia O’Queef! When you’re done with your pussy painting, clean up the fuckin’ bathroom!
2.Nobody’s gonna buy your stupid fuckin’ pizza box flowers! And switch to fuckin’ decaf, twitchy!
3.What the fuck are “Earrings of Pompom?”
After closely examining the additional photos, I now know that I should take care of my body “hygene” and that I’m a “Motherfucker”. Or is it that I should take care of my “body hygene Motherfucker”.
Recovering Crack Baby
November 30, 2009 at 4:22 pm
#20 somethinghomemade Teenage boys?? Dig around and find the fucking shit they write- you are setting on at least a couple hundred bucks worth of fucking ranting and raving. I only charge 2.99 for my Ideals. You are welcome.
Love it! I’m going to get it and make myself a little sampler of some of the best advice. I so need a little sign in my kitchen that says, “Clean that shit up! Cleaning up immediately keeps you place from getting fucked up.” Words to live by!
“Brush that grill and wash that face at the
very least. You want your teeth to fucking fall out
of your head?”
I HAVE to get this book now, because i could
forget to do that..or wait, there is a reminder
to exercise your brain too..
I hear the voice of Justin’s Dad from “Shit My Dad Says”…except, since Twitter is free, I can easily just spend $0.00 to get similar types of (yes!) wisdom. Ergo I have just saved myself (and possibly some of you) fifty large! That is, until Justin’s book comes out, but since that will probably retail for about twenty bucks, I’m still saving $30.
Um. Anyway. That’s all my maths ideals four one nite.
BUT WAIT! “And as usual it is adorned with a piece of quartz, citrine i believe.”
As usual??? The same person who’s telling me to brush my fucking grill and doesn’t like pantie waist[sic] chicken soup crap decorated their journal with semi-precious stones?
Lewis Black and Red from “That 70′s Show” – both are well worth imagining!!! A nice subtle difference between the two: the crazed “I don’t give a fuck if you listen to me” rantings of Lewis Black versus the beleaguered “dammit, Eric, I’m telling you this for your own good,” advice from Red.
BTW: am i the only dumb-ass who got a kick out of “pantie WAIST”? No elastic-waistband advice for me!
Great. Just what I always fucking wanted, a book screaming at me to do shit years after I moved out…’cause I miss my deranged family and all.
Just skip the writing and go yell at yourself.
It’s easy. Just go to mirror and tell yourself to brush your damn teeth. Now clean up the house mother fucker! And don’t forget to take out the fucking trash you loser!
Now..you feel better and you’ve saved $50 bucks, or you’re a depressed, suicidal wreck. In that case, you can blame journal guy.
“Clean up after yourself! The job ain’t done and the party ain’t over until you clean that shit up. Remember cleaning up immediately keeps you place from getting fucked up.”
This would look lovely embroidered on a throw pillow.
#13 – awakenjournaling – Your journals are lovely! I’m just poor. If I had $50 to spend on a journal full of profanity-laden misanthropic rantings, I’d much rather read your fiesta red-and yellow-journal filled with your profanity-laden misanthropic rantings than this beat-up old thing.
Pantie Waist Chicken Soup
(serves 8 of you bastards)
4 pounds of a goddamned chicken
2 quarts of boiling fucking water
some salt and some onions and some motherfucking bay leaves and some other crap
Heat this shit in a pan and mix it all up, but FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS be quiet when you’re doing it. Don’t run your fucking mouth off at the stove. Running your goddamned mouth off all the time isn’t fucking polite.
Enjoy! and then clean the goddamned kitchen up… you dirty…
Well, I was going to point out that the sellers name is one of those “hipster” spellings of delusional – but it it appears the item sold. so maybe its me with the fantasy issues.
i dunno, sam jackson, denis leary, and lewis black are all naturals, but i think this kind of poetry and insight deserves the narrational stylings of david attenborough.
#21 – god, i hope it’s in semen. it’d be like playing detective, only more informative and life-shaping.
Rantings of a Tourettes patient in a cover made out of kitchen twine and old shelf liner from the 1970s and festooned with vintage thumbtacks from the same era – yours for only $10.
Oops, check that:
This item sold out on 11.30.2009
November 30, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I read the listing and, like magic, heard Lewis Black’s voice in my head. I have to say that improved things greatly.
November 30, 2009 at 3:19 pm
#1 toomanycookbooks
hahahaha
The sellers on etsy come in a variety of people. Now Lewis black?
November 30, 2009 at 3:20 pm
want it.
November 30, 2009 at 3:20 pm
in fact; TWO please!
November 30, 2009 at 3:21 pm
This is the first book I’ve ever written and is designed to make people be better and feel better – I feel better already and haven’t even read it. Just knowing it has been written puts me at FUCKING EASE!!
November 30, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Use Language to your advantage like the seller has. He does not give a fuck, not a single fuck, not a single solitary fuck simply cause he don’t give a fuck mother fucker.
How did I do? Is my language here as advantaged as his description? Perhaps I need to hire the girl who is whoring out her ideals for 19.99 to help…how many days do I get her again for that??
November 30, 2009 at 3:22 pm
$50? Right…ok so $50 to have someone tell you all the things your mom told you, but with more swearing (unless your mum was like mine). No one is actually going to buy this are they? (if so I am willing to record similar advice so you can make a cd and have a real mum scream at you to clean your shit up and shut up, for a small fee)
November 30, 2009 at 3:22 pm
If this book doesn’t help, then you can always benefit from this item also for sale in his shop: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=33662253
November 30, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Fuck, I’d buy it.
November 30, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Oh c’mon, be nice to the guy, he’s drunk….
November 30, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Oh this is soooo much better in Lewis Black’s voice! I can picture him with his index finger in the air poking it up and wagging it back and forth as he accentuates each ‘fucking fuck!!!’…
I really love that man!
November 30, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I’m getting this for my kids for Christmas. No more mister-nice-guy. “you want your fucking teeth to fall out of your head?” Yeah, that should do the trick. I know I’m going to brush my teeth right now, motherfucker. Who said positive reinforcement was the way to go?
November 30, 2009 at 3:30 pm
So if I go fill one of my journals with rantings can I get featured on Regretsy?
Or maybe I have to paint the pages with my vagina for that. Hmm…. *looks around for paint*
November 30, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Lewis Black is better than how I imagined it … I was so thinking of Red from That 70′s Show.
November 30, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Now this is a seller with great ideals. He should be charging $20 for advice.
November 30, 2009 at 3:41 pm
I do appreciate the “thought” behind this, but at $50.00? A little much for fucking rantings on paper ;P
November 30, 2009 at 3:42 pm
I think he misspoke. It should have been “Read This Fuckin’ Book Every Fuckin’ Day.” If he’d consulted with the Ideal Lady he would have fuckin’ known that.
November 30, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Don’t serial killers do this kind of thing? Scrawl their rantings down as if they’re gold? Sure, they keep them to themselves till the neighbors are interviewed to tell us “he was such a quiet person. No one ever suspected a thing till all the neighborhood cats disappeared…”
November 30, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Wonder if the recipe for panty waist chicken soup is in there?
November 30, 2009 at 3:44 pm
OMG, I laughed so hard at all these fucking comments; that alone was worth $50. Of course, now the dog won’t stop staring at me and my teenage boys think I am crazy.
November 30, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Why do I fear that he wrote it in semen, and that you’ll have to use a blacklight to reveal the whimsicle gems within?
November 30, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Now this guy should be offering “Ideaization” services to his fellow Etsies:
1.Hey Georgia O’Queef! When you’re done with your pussy painting, clean up the fuckin’ bathroom!
2.Nobody’s gonna buy your stupid fuckin’ pizza box flowers! And switch to fuckin’ decaf, twitchy!
3.What the fuck are “Earrings of Pompom?”
November 30, 2009 at 3:55 pm
OH! “Cleaning up … keeps your place from getting fucked up.” I wish I had known this before. I definitely have to read this book every fucking day.
November 30, 2009 at 4:10 pm
#19 Martini: LOL! Maybe Campbell’s sells “Painty Waist Chicken Soup.”
November 30, 2009 at 4:22 pm
After closely examining the additional photos, I now know that I should take care of my body “hygene” and that I’m a “Motherfucker”. Or is it that I should take care of my “body hygene Motherfucker”.
Wow, this IS deep.
November 30, 2009 at 4:22 pm
#20 somethinghomemade Teenage boys?? Dig around and find the fucking shit they write- you are setting on at least a couple hundred bucks worth of fucking ranting and raving. I only charge 2.99 for my Ideals. You are welcome.
November 30, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Why do I hear the voice of Samuel L. Jackson when I read that description?
“I have had it with these motherfuckin’ self-help books on this motherfuckin’ etsy site!
November 30, 2009 at 4:37 pm
I get the impression that he’s writing from personal experience and his “fuckin mouth” has gotten him into trouble on more than one occasion.
November 30, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Love it! I’m going to get it and make myself a little sampler of some of the best advice. I so need a little sign in my kitchen that says, “Clean that shit up! Cleaning up immediately keeps you place from getting fucked up.” Words to live by!
November 30, 2009 at 4:46 pm
“Brush that grill and wash that face at the
very least. You want your teeth to fucking fall out
of your head?”
I HAVE to get this book now, because i could
forget to do that..or wait, there is a reminder
to exercise your brain too..
November 30, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I hear the voice of Justin’s Dad from “Shit My Dad Says”…except, since Twitter is free, I can easily just spend $0.00 to get similar types of (yes!) wisdom. Ergo I have just saved myself (and possibly some of you) fifty large! That is, until Justin’s book comes out, but since that will probably retail for about twenty bucks, I’m still saving $30.
Um. Anyway. That’s all my maths ideals four one nite.
November 30, 2009 at 4:50 pm
I hearted the shop tho, i like a few things there.
November 30, 2009 at 4:54 pm
#30 polaroidart : My brain fell out when the Idealizing lady was posted… ;P
November 30, 2009 at 4:55 pm
BUT WAIT! “And as usual it is adorned with a piece of quartz, citrine i believe.”
As usual??? The same person who’s telling me to brush my fucking grill and doesn’t like pantie waist[sic] chicken soup crap decorated their journal with semi-precious stones?
November 30, 2009 at 4:57 pm
#34 iamhydrogen14 : But didn’t you know Citrine is the healing stone of fucked-up advice?
November 30, 2009 at 4:59 pm
#33 everydaymama1- mine too,i got a slight
headache too trying to follow the instructions..-_0
November 30, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I think Ms Idealizing and Ms Fucking Self Help could do a collaboration.
November 30, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Lewis Black and Red from “That 70′s Show” – both are well worth imagining!!! A nice subtle difference between the two: the crazed “I don’t give a fuck if you listen to me” rantings of Lewis Black versus the beleaguered “dammit, Eric, I’m telling you this for your own good,” advice from Red.
BTW: am i the only dumb-ass who got a kick out of “pantie WAIST”? No elastic-waistband advice for me!
November 30, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Apparently using spell-check & editing your writing for mistakes are going to be saved for the next book.
November 30, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Is that book cover supposed to be faux bois?
November 30, 2009 at 5:39 pm
#19 – very funny! Panty waist chicken soup recipe! HAH!!
November 30, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Great. Just what I always fucking wanted, a book screaming at me to do shit years after I moved out…’cause I miss my deranged family and all.
Just skip the writing and go yell at yourself.
It’s easy. Just go to mirror and tell yourself to brush your damn teeth. Now clean up the house mother fucker! And don’t forget to take out the fucking trash you loser!
Now..you feel better and you’ve saved $50 bucks, or you’re a depressed, suicidal wreck. In that case, you can blame journal guy.
November 30, 2009 at 6:00 pm
“Clean up after yourself! The job ain’t done and the party ain’t over until you clean that shit up. Remember cleaning up immediately keeps you place from getting fucked up.”
This would look lovely embroidered on a throw pillow.
November 30, 2009 at 6:58 pm
#13 – awakenjournaling – Your journals are lovely! I’m just poor. If I had $50 to spend on a journal full of profanity-laden misanthropic rantings, I’d much rather read your fiesta red-and yellow-journal filled with your profanity-laden misanthropic rantings than this beat-up old thing.
November 30, 2009 at 7:08 pm
I was thinking more along the lines of Samuel L. Jackson. Only with less cursing, and not about snakes, or planes.
November 30, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Morgan Freeman’s voice comes to mind for me, but then again I do think I hear a tinge of Sam Jackson.
November 30, 2009 at 7:32 pm
o.O how about……. “use less profanity, some people find it offensive… which is why its called profanity” that should be in there somewhere
does this strike anyone else as really arrogant?
November 30, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Pantie Waist Chicken Soup
(serves 8 of you bastards)
4 pounds of a goddamned chicken
2 quarts of boiling fucking water
some salt and some onions and some motherfucking bay leaves and some other crap
Heat this shit in a pan and mix it all up, but FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS be quiet when you’re doing it. Don’t run your fucking mouth off at the stove. Running your goddamned mouth off all the time isn’t fucking polite.
Enjoy! and then clean the goddamned kitchen up… you dirty…
November 30, 2009 at 9:43 pm
#48 addiosix : You rock my motherfuckin’ world Chef…
November 30, 2009 at 10:18 pm
#49 martini :
I can hardly take all the credit there.
Were it not for your marvelous setting up of that shit, I could have never come in and motherfuckin’ knocked it down
November 30, 2009 at 10:27 pm
OMG #48. I love that recipe so hard.
November 30, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Oh bloody hell it sold. WHO bought it? Fess up.
November 30, 2009 at 10:42 pm
I didn’t, but I’m thinking I might get in the business.
Gonna need some help from the snarkiest smartass cool kids I can find.
So, whaddaya say? You guys in?
November 30, 2009 at 11:00 pm
#8 babalu :
If this book doesn’t help, then you can always benefit from this item also for sale in his shop: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=33662253
Hahaha..oi vey, he’s giving people *ideals*, not good .
November 30, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Going, going…gone. I knew it would sell!
December 1, 2009 at 12:02 am
Well, I was going to point out that the sellers name is one of those “hipster” spellings of delusional – but it it appears the item sold. so maybe its me with the fantasy issues.
December 1, 2009 at 6:30 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
December 1, 2009 at 7:58 am
Denis Leary would also do a nice job reading that.
December 1, 2009 at 7:45 pm
i dunno, sam jackson, denis leary, and lewis black are all naturals, but i think this kind of poetry and insight deserves the narrational stylings of david attenborough.
#21 – god, i hope it’s in semen. it’d be like playing detective, only more informative and life-shaping.
December 1, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Crack is whack.
I really wanted to add “mother fucker” on the end of that, you know, in spirit of the author.
December 2, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Rantings of a Tourettes patient in a cover made out of kitchen twine and old shelf liner from the 1970s and festooned with vintage thumbtacks from the same era – yours for only $10.
Oops, check that:
This item sold out on 11.30.2009
December 4, 2009 at 10:48 am
This is what happens when Hunter S. Thompson is your life coach.
July 6, 2011 at 8:15 pm
Personally, I picture Carl from Aquateen as my narrator.
Can I get a “books on tape” version of this?