Yule Be Sorry

Posted by Helen Killer 93 comments

Fuck you, Santa.

Filed in Jewelry, Needlework 93 comments
93 Comments
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Nov 23, 2009
9:28 am
#1 whimsiclefuckery :

yeah, I’d love to have Sana croche me a Chrismas presen

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Nov 23, 2009
9:36 am
#2 Jea :

Before I read anything I thought it was an ornament. And I thought,hey that’s pretty. Then I realized it was an earring and I thought. Hm, not so much anymore. Fuck you, Santa. Now that would make a great christmas card.

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Nov 23, 2009
9:37 am
#3 pauldodo :

Do they come in quaver and semi quaver versions?

just askin’

p
x

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Nov 23, 2009
9:38 am
#4 Basher_Keaton :

I think I’d prefer coal to this ugly-ass piece.

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Nov 23, 2009
9:41 am
#5 pleasedontpickme :

I think this person is trying to use a pattern that is free on the web. It looks like it could be them, with a few screw ups and an attempt to fix it by adding all the beads. 2 thumbs up, though, for not being worn in the photograph.

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Nov 23, 2009
9:43 am
#6 Patty :

This makes me glad that my pierced ears have grown closed. I was considering getting them re-pierced, but now I’ll wait till AFTER Christmas.

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Nov 23, 2009
9:44 am
#7 Efit :

First attempts are worth exactly 20 cents (the Etsy minimum) and should be labeled “Oops” or more accurately, “Oops, this is a big piece of Santa shit. Thanks.”

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Nov 23, 2009
9:44 am
#8 Saraf :
this was your first attempt? Really? we couldn’t tell at all…

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Nov 23, 2009
9:46 am
#9 martini :

Deliver my ass… I’m plugging the chimney.

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Nov 23, 2009
9:47 am
#10 reallyscarey :
I’m spellbound…”mesmerized” cotton? WTF!

from the description:
Constructed with Christmas Glitter Varigated 100% Mesmerized Cotton Thread with a fine silver thread running through out.

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Nov 23, 2009
9:50 am
#11 Kimmer-G :

If I convert to Judaism will Santa pass me by?

just askin’

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Nov 23, 2009
9:51 am
#12 pauldodo :

Is it me or do these have a definite ‘Vagina’ shape? The positioning of the big red ’swaroski’ gem is too coincidental….

I need to get out more.

p
x

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Nov 23, 2009
9:52 am
#13 Kimmer-G :

omg #12 pauldodo…I thought the same thing!! But then thought I’ve just been reading too many posts on this site.

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Nov 23, 2009
9:54 am
#14 hammerhead77 :

I wish I hadn’t clicked the link. This is another item description which may send the National Council of English Teachers over the edge.

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Nov 23, 2009
9:56 am
#15 sharon :

My ears are frightened. I think these “earrings” are larger than them. Or my head, for that matter.

Any I feel a need to simply ask: WHY?!

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Nov 23, 2009
9:58 am
#16 elephant grenade :
I don’t Understand what goes through People’s minds when they Randomly Capitalize words. How do they Choose?

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Nov 23, 2009
9:59 am
#17 vangoghbabe :

Ol’ St. Nick will be getting a divorce….

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Nov 23, 2009
9:59 am
#18 HelenaHandbasket :

Why does Santa hate me so that these are just what he would like to deliver to me on Christmas morning?

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Nov 23, 2009
9:59 am
#19 Efit :

@ #11 Kimmer-G – just smear some lamb blood on your front door and you should be fine.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:01 am
#20 The Blue Kraken :

careful Helen Santa might leave you a reindeer poo necklace instead of this.

I just came back from being out Pauldo.. It’s not very coincidental looking. Just tilt your head a little and look again.

It’s spelled Swarovski with a capital s. Proper noun folks, German name. If you have trouble spelling it, you are on the internet.. how much trouble is it to open their site and double check?

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Nov 23, 2009
10:02 am
#21 vangoghbabe :

#15
It’s “Hyperventilate Typing”. Every breath that catches, the effected person capitalizes a letter.
Caused by the excitement of thinking you have talent and can create something so phenomenal that it will sell on etsy and make you millions..or you will have an appearance on Martha.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:03 am
#22 vangoghbabe :

#18 & #11
little white mouse blood if your out of lamb.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:05 am
#23 Stingray Charles :

Fun fact: “Chrismas,” which honors the birth of MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, is celebrated every year on December 17. So you better order These Beauties soon, only 3.5 weeks left. (Ooh, I just felt this thrill going up my leg.)

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Nov 23, 2009
10:05 am
#24 pauldodo :

#21 vangoghbabe : or the clown head wreath.

p
x

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Nov 23, 2009
10:05 am
#25 butterflyqt314 :

I see a face in one of the beads. I think it’s the ghost of Christmas past – and it’s wearing an Italian flag.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:06 am
#26 buffoon :

LOL Mesmerized Cotton- genius. not.

It says earrings, but this photo only shows one. So at least Santa loves me enough to only bring me one unusable freaking “earring” (quotes because, is it really?) and I can stick it in the bin.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:06 am
#27 marimoy :

nothing about this screams “X-masy” to me. Santa is NOT that mean. I would consider them for cinco de Mayo.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:08 am
#28 vangoghbabe :

@Paul
I do remember making the comment that you could interchange the flowers on that wreath…
slap a few poinsettias here and there…nothing or no one will approach your your door.
going to check to see if there are any left…….

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Nov 23, 2009
10:09 am
#29 vangoghbabe :

#25
point taken…Mexican flag colors…
Well grab my sombrero and call me taco.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:09 am
#30 pauldodo :

@VGB
don’t forget the poison ivy.

p
x

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Nov 23, 2009
10:13 am
#31 Stingray Charles :

We celebrate Ludacrismas in September, sorry if you missed it.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:13 am
#32 AnchovyPaste :

Dear Santa,

Please don’t.

Love,

ThePaste

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Nov 23, 2009
10:15 am
#33 gray :

my cat got into my knitting bag once and I am almost positive this is what she barfed up later. way to go.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:16 am
#34 The Mayor of Bethville :

Is that Santa? Or is it……..Santaclops?

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Nov 23, 2009
10:17 am
#35 The Blue Kraken :

Please, lets not go back to the clowns. *shudder* though that would be cool if it kept the Jehovah witnesses away. Like garlic.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=24057047
this might be nice… if i was a stripper and it was late spring

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_1&listing_id=30063438 this one looks MUCH more like a vagina

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Nov 23, 2009
10:21 am
#36 dangerousmezzo :

I love these shoe adornments, too: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=24850426 “They have arrived on the scene and all eyes are on your feet”. No kidding.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:22 am
#37 somethinghomemade :

You all know who will buy these…there is one in every office. She’s about 70, loves her xmas sweaters, sweatshirts, etc., has the big coke bottle glasses (on a chain she bought on etsy) and has the “blue hair perm” happening. She’ll think they are just too “whimsicle” to pass up.
What REALLY gets me is that she wants $18! I can buy sterling silver earrings for less.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:27 am
#38 dangerousmezzo :
From her profile: “The Name “Beachet” is my designer label for my Couture Clothing. … How I settled on the name is fasinating to say the least by all accounts it was fate. .. I took the first three letters of BEAD (Bea) and the last four letters of CROCHET (chet)… Now it gets interesting.. I looked up the name and it does exist and is french ..Then I looked up the meaning of “Beachet” and it is translated “The Butcher” in english. This was so perfect I couldn’t believe it!”

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Nov 23, 2009
10:32 am
#39 ChronicFabulist :

At first glance I thought someone had taken the Italian flag and made an ear vagina out of it. Upon further viewing I decided this was not the case. Naturally my next thought was “Christmas”.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:32 am
#40 Jea :

To butcher with beads and crochet?
Awesome.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:38 am
#41 craphappy :

I often use the word “mesmerized” when I mean “mercerized,” and vice versa.

Just this morning I remarked that the beauty of the sunlight as it passed through my Going Rouge sun-catcher had left me mercerized.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:38 am
#42 The Blue Kraken :

#34 dangerousmezzo BOL maybe she subconsciously gave herself a proper name. Most fitting!

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Nov 23, 2009
10:40 am
#43 babalu :

#11, #8 and #21, SQUIRREL BLOOD would likely be much more effective!

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Nov 23, 2009
10:40 am
#44 babalu :

sorry I meant #18 not #8 – why can’t we edit these after we post??!!!!

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Nov 23, 2009
10:40 am
#45 Efit :

#33 dangerousmezzo – Whoa. Girlfriend has come undone.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:41 am
#46 reqbat :

laughed so hard i snorted, helen.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:44 am
#47 babalu :

#33 – I don’t know what dictionary she was looking in but “beachet” is DEFINITELY not a French word and DEFINITELY does not mean butcher, the correct word is “le boucher”. Not that she does not commit butchery with her “fashion”. Cripes.

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Nov 23, 2009
10:46 am
#48 Stingray Charles :

#33 DM: Hilarious, thanks!

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Nov 23, 2009
10:49 am
#49 vangoghbabe :

#33
Amazing.
Mon dieu

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Nov 23, 2009
10:49 am
#50 Kimmer-G :

I’ll add lamb, mice and squirrel blood to my holiday shopping list, just to cover all the bases.
Thanks regrestians!!

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Nov 23, 2009
10:51 am
#51 greenfuzz :

#10 thanks for alerting me to “Mesmerized cotton” that made my day. Hilarious..

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Nov 23, 2009
10:52 am
#52 vangoghbabe :

Helen…food related products….need to plan a dinner party..

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Nov 23, 2009
10:57 am
#53 whimsiclefuckery :

All right. I know Etsy has WAY too many vaginas for sale, but those of you who think this looks like a vagina need to get out more…

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Nov 23, 2009
11:00 am
#54 Patty :

Crikey, I’ve been reading too many etsy postings because I didn’t even notice the misspelled words!

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Nov 23, 2009
11:06 am
#55 Stingray Charles :

#47 WF: In the words of the great Rob White, Etsy admin.: “All this vaginart makes me wanna yank my doodle, sweetheart.”

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Nov 23, 2009
11:14 am
#56 YippySkippy :

@#20 – LMAO! VanGogh, thanks so much for the explanation on random capitalization! I know lots of people who are afflicted with that disorder.

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Nov 23, 2009
11:15 am
#57 flare :

It’s like a gift from Hickory Farms – the gift that says Fuck you very much!!

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Nov 23, 2009
11:22 am
#58 srahfox :

Oh lord! I follow free patterns all the time, but then I know how to read them.

Yeah, the beads don’t look very Swarovski to me. I use to sell the stuff.

Oh… FYI Swarovski isn’t German. The creator was born in what is now the Czech Republic. The factory is located in Austria. This is your random bit of knowledge for the day.

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Nov 23, 2009
11:29 am
#59 GoldenAppleofDiscord :

Yet another reason I’m thankful I’m Jewish and have Chanukah.

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Nov 23, 2009
11:37 am
#60 badcrafter :

Aside from looking like feet without toes, and being just sort of ugly in general, I didn’t think they were that bad. I mean, in comparison to other stuff I’ve seen on here.

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Nov 23, 2009
11:45 am
#61 DucksNew :

It’s nice as a tree ornament, not so much as an ear ornament.

@ Patty, no Christmas gift for you lol

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Nov 23, 2009
11:53 am
#62 meanbeads :

I really feel that the “View in a room” feature needs to be expanded to “View on a person”.

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Nov 23, 2009
12:07 pm
#63 Stingray Charles :

#62 MB: Yeah, how about an interactive feature that would let us dress models in Etsy attire? Also looking forward to View it in a Womb, View it in a Tomb, View it on the Moon, View it on Orlando Bloom…

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Nov 23, 2009
12:14 pm
#64 vangoghbabe :

@Stingray
view it on a butt,
view it on a nut
view it on a vagoo
view it on mr. magoo

(I got desperate on the last)

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Nov 23, 2009
12:14 pm
#65 pauldodo :

#63 Stingray Charles

You missed out ‘view in a catacomb’ for the goth and emo items.

p
x

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Nov 23, 2009
12:17 pm
#66 grodelated :

oh god, it’s Cthulhu, eater of worlds!!
but why is he wearing glitter and dangling from some idiot’s earlobe?

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Nov 23, 2009
12:25 pm
#67 everydaymama1 :

If someone gave me these I’d stick them right up their chimney!

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Nov 23, 2009
12:25 pm
#68 i am bean :

Be nice people…someone’s Gran made this (probably)

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Nov 23, 2009
12:28 pm
#69 Wanderlustbling :

Apparently these “will go wonderful (sic) with you holiday ensemble.” This is assuming that your holiday ensemble also includes a sweatshirt with a lace collar and a picture of adorable kitties playing in bows and wearing Santa hats.

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Nov 23, 2009
12:34 pm
#70 everydaymama1 :

And what dictionary in fantasy land gave the definition for Beachet? It’s not a word! I looked it up in 6 languages… NOTHING! Wah-la!

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Nov 23, 2009
12:40 pm
#71 Stingray Charles :

#64-65 LOL: I really hope my daughter doesn’t ask me to read her Green Eggs and Ham tonight, “I would not eat them on a butt, I would not eat them…”

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Nov 23, 2009
12:56 pm
#72 vangoghbabe :

#71…”off my nut.”
okay, your nut…

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Nov 23, 2009
1:12 pm
#73 Stingray Charles :

#72 VGB: Yeah, could get weird…Horton Hears a Vagoo…

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Nov 23, 2009
1:21 pm
#74 IndyJules :

Dammit Wanderlust, how did you know what I was going to wear to the party?!?!? That’s it, I had a $10 Applebee’s gift card for you but just forget it, mister!

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Nov 23, 2009
1:54 pm
#75 frostypumpkin :

This looks like a roadkill rooster… But if there’s “mesmerized cotton” then that’s gotta be special! I think I’d mesmerize everyone with those at the office party!

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Nov 23, 2009
2:36 pm
#76 regretmenot :

The gift that says I love you…..very little.

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Nov 23, 2009
2:52 pm
#77 NinjaGato :

Her first attempt at making crochet earrings should certainly be her last.

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Nov 23, 2009
3:10 pm
#78 Bad_Wolf :

These looks a lot like something my Finnish grandmother would give me for Christmas… and I’d have to pretend to love them.

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Nov 23, 2009
3:34 pm
#79 Feel Free To Customise and Whimsiclise My Vagina :

who would have thought that was her first attempt?

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Nov 23, 2009
3:49 pm
#80 WTFisthatanyway :

If Santa brought that shit to my house you’d be auctioning off bleedingsanta.com!

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Nov 23, 2009
4:00 pm
#81 sweetbirdofparadox :

I’m guessing she’s only posting a picture of the one as opposed to the pair because her crochet “skills” went awry and the other looks nothing like this one…

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Nov 23, 2009
5:46 pm
#82 BettyMachete :

Bedazzled tampon if you ask me.

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Nov 23, 2009
6:16 pm
#83 Bellmer's Dolly :

At least it isn’t “crotched”. I’d hate to think of this beauty dangling off some naughty bits.

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Nov 23, 2009
6:34 pm
#84 NinjaGato :

#68 i am bean :
Be nice people…someone’s Gran made this (probably)

If my grandma made this I would still make fun of it. By the way not everyone who attempts to knit and crochet (and some who are actually quite good) are old. I’m 25 and had knitted for 10 years until the carpal tunnel kicked in.

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Nov 23, 2009
7:24 pm
#85 jwheeler :

Well, Santa IS a malicious bitch, so she’s probably right..

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Nov 24, 2009
5:48 am
#86 i am bean :

@ #83 NinjaGato:

It’s not the fact that it’s knitted or crocheted that makes it look ‘Gran’…it’s the whole styling and look of it that just screams out to me ‘CHURCH CHARITY FUNDRAISER’..and who usually runs those? You guessed it…Grans! (awww bless ‘em)

Just saying.

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Nov 24, 2009
6:08 am
#87 freckleyredhead :

How much you want to bet these are coming soon to an Etsy Christmas gift guide near you.

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Nov 24, 2009
9:39 am
#88 somethinghomemade :
Spell check is all well and good, but never a substitute for proof reading.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_1&listing_id=24055022

“Perfect for a center piece, a sick relative in a car facility.”

How bad a relative do you have to be that your “loved ones” take you to the mechanic instead of just sticking you in a nursing home?

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Nov 24, 2009
2:45 pm
#89 crapgawker :

If she photographs them on a windshield and/or next to a car tire I will buy them.

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Nov 24, 2009
6:12 pm
#90 starrydreams :

OMG. This has sold?!!! Maybe it’s the wine talking but I have to ask the question- What am I doing wrong??!!! I have no vagina’s, penii (plural for penis in my universe), etc. Should I create a WTF line???!!!! http://www.starrydreams.etsy.com

Just another working stiff….

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Nov 24, 2009
7:34 pm
#91 michelleames :

Looks like Santa threw up a little cranberry, eggnog, and pine tree.

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Nov 25, 2009
10:09 am
#92 nitebyrd :

Being that I have an Etsy shop and that I make items to sell, I always try to cut other “artists” some slack. In this instance, I just can’t. Santa would only bring these if he had been taking some hardcore drugs.

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Nov 26, 2009
7:53 pm
#93 MyEyesMyEyes :

Cotton my ass, that stuff is Red Heart acrylic if I’ve ever seen it. I hope the buyer doesn’t stand too close to a candle at a holiday party because those damn things will melt.

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