So what exactly is a “Michael Jackson Emergency”, and how is this supposed to help? Is it made of asbestos, and meant to be used when your hair catches on fire during a Pepsi shoot? Do you wear it when you don’t want to leave fingerprints on the Jesus juice? Or is it just for when you miss Michael so much, only an object he had no personal connection with will help? Whatever. It’s only $250. You can’t even buy a hit of Propofol with that.

We all know that Michael Jackson’s tragic death had the most profound effect on inanimate objects. So it’s comforting to know that someone is sewing tiny Michael Jackson memorial T-shirts for your Bratz dolls. It’ll ease her pain for a little while, but keep your eye on Blythe. She’s a cutter.

Wow, that is some inviting package, don’t you think? A gold foil box you’d get at Rite Aid, topped off with some recycled ribbon from a Hickory Farms gift tower. We can only hope there’s something equally magical inside, like a free desk calendar from Herb’s Volvo.

I don’t know what the “freebies” are that come with these hideous sneakers, but with any luck they’ll be change of address forms. Because as soon as someone in your neighborhood sees you wearing these things, you’re on the list to get your emo weepy ass kicked every fucking day for the rest of your pathetic life.