Mongoose 2:15-20

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see the meerkats, which the Lord has told us about on Animal Planet.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who were living in a large underground network with multiple entrances. When they saw the child, they scent-marked the subordinates of the group to express their authority, and this was followed by much grooming and licking of faces.

This is an applique that you have to iron on yourself. It comes in pieces, so you have to iron the layers on separately. And it also comes with buttons for eyes, which you have to sew on yourself. So basically, the only one doing any handcrafting here is you, and I’m pretty sure you could make something that looks more like an Indian if you were blind since birth.

“Welcome! Welcome to my little corner of hell, guarded by a hideous raccoon statue I bought at Lawn Ornament World, and then just painted to look like a fox, because by then I was too stoned to Google a raccoon.”

Yes, it’s pricey. But to be fair, it’s both ugly and depressing, so really, it’s like two coats. Where do you even get fabric like this? A nursing home couch? It looks like something Elizabeth Smart was forced to wear when they took her to hand out bibles. The only thing swinging in this coat is the person who buys it, hanging by the necktie from a ceiling fan.